here is what yeats writes:
"Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
that is lovely, no? and it's really about love. and i've got nothing to say about that. but i do have much to say on being poor at this point. i am now all settled in my new place with my new job and i make very little. very little. i've been more in debt before, but i've never really been this poor before. never have there been so few pennies coming in each month. but also, i can't remember when i've been this content.
and so while i have no love, i guess i will say to the world in general "i have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."
meaning "please don't mess with me world! please please please. it's taken me a long time to get here to this place where i don't want to curl up in a ball and die, so please please, please do not mess with me anymore. if you should feel the urge, please step around me and keep on walking."
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
next question
yesterday the question was "where am i?" and now today the question is "who am i?"
remember yesterday when i talked about if i made a mistake around here it is no big thing. it's just assumed that the mistake was innocent?
well, last week i made a mistake. not at work, but in my personal life. not a big mistake really, but an error. it was simply an error. and i didn't know i made the mistake until this morning. and when i found out, i was upset. with myself. and it didn't help that another person who was affected by this error in a peripheral way was upset with me. so if you would have asked me this morning who i was, i would have answered you "well, i'm an idiot."
so tonight at work, i also made a mistake and i was actually quite confused by it. and embarrassingly, i was right up there in front of people when i made it. and i was a bit upset with myself again. but then after the evening was over, i was driving home with someone and i told him i was so embarrassed about making the mistake. and he said "no, no, don't be embarrassed. i think you are awesome. so you made a mistake, sure, but you stepped right up and you took ownership of it and you forged right ahead and on with things. you smiled and took charge of things and you put it aside and moved on and ahead. i admired it. i admire you a lot for that."
so if you would ask me the question now "who are you?" instead of saying "well i'm an idiot" i would say "well, i'm a tenacious human being."
but isn't it fascinating how other people's reactions to you can make or break how you feel about yourself? or is this just me? am i too sensitive to how others see me that it can make all the difference to me how they react to me?
i don't know. but what i do think is that it all reinforces that we all need to remember to be as kind as we can be to each other. because i think for the most part unless you are mitt romney or tony bennett (the super not the singer) or mitch daniels or someone like that- you probably are just trying to do the best you can and you probably aren't out to destroy someone else's life even if you do make a mistake. evil was most likely not your intention. and you deserve to catch a little break and maybe even be admired for your ability to own up and move on.
who am i? i'm a person who is super grateful to be where i am and for the people who are here with me.
remember yesterday when i talked about if i made a mistake around here it is no big thing. it's just assumed that the mistake was innocent?
well, last week i made a mistake. not at work, but in my personal life. not a big mistake really, but an error. it was simply an error. and i didn't know i made the mistake until this morning. and when i found out, i was upset. with myself. and it didn't help that another person who was affected by this error in a peripheral way was upset with me. so if you would have asked me this morning who i was, i would have answered you "well, i'm an idiot."
so tonight at work, i also made a mistake and i was actually quite confused by it. and embarrassingly, i was right up there in front of people when i made it. and i was a bit upset with myself again. but then after the evening was over, i was driving home with someone and i told him i was so embarrassed about making the mistake. and he said "no, no, don't be embarrassed. i think you are awesome. so you made a mistake, sure, but you stepped right up and you took ownership of it and you forged right ahead and on with things. you smiled and took charge of things and you put it aside and moved on and ahead. i admired it. i admire you a lot for that."
so if you would ask me the question now "who are you?" instead of saying "well i'm an idiot" i would say "well, i'm a tenacious human being."
but isn't it fascinating how other people's reactions to you can make or break how you feel about yourself? or is this just me? am i too sensitive to how others see me that it can make all the difference to me how they react to me?
i don't know. but what i do think is that it all reinforces that we all need to remember to be as kind as we can be to each other. because i think for the most part unless you are mitt romney or tony bennett (the super not the singer) or mitch daniels or someone like that- you probably are just trying to do the best you can and you probably aren't out to destroy someone else's life even if you do make a mistake. evil was most likely not your intention. and you deserve to catch a little break and maybe even be admired for your ability to own up and move on.
who am i? i'm a person who is super grateful to be where i am and for the people who are here with me.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
where am i?
well here i am, right here. in a new undisclosed location. in a new and exciting undisclosed location. with a new job, a new home, and hopefully a whole new life from here on out.
one that doesn't include having my heart ripped out of my chest and turned inside out like a sweater pulled off too fast, then thrown on the pavement and ground into pieces with the heel of a shoe.
that's never going to happen again. not in this new life. no sir.
so here i am. and while i have had some trying times setting up this new life- (for instance, right now my new tv is lost in transit and last week, between apple and verizon i lost all my contacts, my music, and my pictures) for the most part everything is quite rosy.
i have a new bike, some new furniture, a nice sweet little apartment, a job with nice people and not too much pressure.
i thought to myself today how luxurious it is to not have to write 6 emails, answer 5 phone calls, and make 8 thousand decisions before i even got in the car to drive to work. seriously, how nice is this new life where i can just get in my car (or hop on my bike) and drive/ride less than a mile to work. how nice is this life where people seem glad to see me each morning and i don't have everything i say challenged or questioned. how nice is it that people actually seem to work together and my work gets complimented regularly? and if i make a mistake, it's considered honest and not assumed to be somehow an indication of an attempt to do evil? how nice is it that people check to see if i need anything or need help with anything? and how nice is it when your new grocery store has an oenologist who seems to understand your tastes and your budget exactly? how crazy good is it that i don't have to travel further than a few blocks to buy a shower gift or a box of kleenex or a shoe rack? how perfectly awesome that my new doctor only deals with what i ask him to deal with and says not another word? how outstanding is it to hear from your old job that people are wondering "who was the idiot that let her get away?"
and so i ask myself "where am i?" because this certainly can't be life for me on this earth. it's certainly not been my life uptonow. and i'm wondering "is this heaven?"
one that doesn't include having my heart ripped out of my chest and turned inside out like a sweater pulled off too fast, then thrown on the pavement and ground into pieces with the heel of a shoe.
that's never going to happen again. not in this new life. no sir.
so here i am. and while i have had some trying times setting up this new life- (for instance, right now my new tv is lost in transit and last week, between apple and verizon i lost all my contacts, my music, and my pictures) for the most part everything is quite rosy.
i have a new bike, some new furniture, a nice sweet little apartment, a job with nice people and not too much pressure.
i thought to myself today how luxurious it is to not have to write 6 emails, answer 5 phone calls, and make 8 thousand decisions before i even got in the car to drive to work. seriously, how nice is this new life where i can just get in my car (or hop on my bike) and drive/ride less than a mile to work. how nice is this life where people seem glad to see me each morning and i don't have everything i say challenged or questioned. how nice is it that people actually seem to work together and my work gets complimented regularly? and if i make a mistake, it's considered honest and not assumed to be somehow an indication of an attempt to do evil? how nice is it that people check to see if i need anything or need help with anything? and how nice is it when your new grocery store has an oenologist who seems to understand your tastes and your budget exactly? how crazy good is it that i don't have to travel further than a few blocks to buy a shower gift or a box of kleenex or a shoe rack? how perfectly awesome that my new doctor only deals with what i ask him to deal with and says not another word? how outstanding is it to hear from your old job that people are wondering "who was the idiot that let her get away?"
and so i ask myself "where am i?" because this certainly can't be life for me on this earth. it's certainly not been my life uptonow. and i'm wondering "is this heaven?"
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Hercules
To my very dear friends who are facing tough times, I'd like to say I am in awe of your toughness (combined with compassion) and convinced of your ability to get through this.
Why am I convinced? Because you have no thought of not sticking together through these tough times. No thought on turning your backs on each other. You are in this together. That's a given with you. That makes you Hercules.
Love you!
Why am I convinced? Because you have no thought of not sticking together through these tough times. No thought on turning your backs on each other. You are in this together. That's a given with you. That makes you Hercules.
Love you!
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