ad endum

yes, i know i spelled it incorrectly.

so the other day i wrote about how i didn't get how the parents of mentally ill children (adult or otherwise) could just abdicate from their responsibility to monitor and take care of their children. i was speaking of the tragedy in california, of course. and today, i heard on npr a discussion saying about people with mental illnesses, their families, and the difficulties in such. and they were saying that in the california case, the parents really did all that they reasonably could given that their child was an adult. they also made the point that you can't really expect law enforcement to be of much assistance unless we did a better job of staffing police departments with people trained in handling people with mental illnesses and even then, we can't expect a perfect world- that even trained professionals make errors in judgement. they also discussed at what point others have the right to take away the rights of mentally ill. it's all pretty jumbled and murky really.

and so i've been thinking about that for the better part of the afternoon. and i still go back to parents. in that they need to be more proactive rather than reactive as the california parents were. by that i mean, while we all want our children to be independent as adults, i think we need to face the fact that there are some children/people who aren't going to be independent as adults. the other day, i gave the example of cognitively challenged children/adults. i think we also though, have to seriously consider this in terms of the issue of mental illness. i'm not talking about depression or anxiety disorders and such, but i do mean mental illnesses where you have any degree of psychosis or breaks with reality. i think in those cases, there always needs to be guardianship. and close monitoring and even in-residence care-taking or supervised adult living.

many years ago, in my small town, there was a man who was perhaps late 30ish or 40ish at the time. and he was schizophrenic. (and no, i didn't lay-diagnose him, i knew his family and they were open about the diagnosis.) anyway, he lived independently and even while it was a small enough town, his family really never knew exactly where he was or even how he was at any given time. and sad to say it, he just kind of had that "vacant" look, like he was somewhere else other than where he physically was, whenever you'd see him. and he's often be talking or mumbling to himself or to people who weren't there. and quite honestly, he scared people. he scared me, i'm ashamed to admit. but here's the thing. as the parent of two small children, it made me uneasy as all hell to be in the same store with him when my children were there. fair, not fair, i can't say. but it's how i felt about him. to the degree that one time when i was taking my kids out to get ice cream, we entered an ice cream store and i saw him and on seeing him, i turned my children around and said, "we're going to Dairy Queen instead."

explaining the incident to my then-husband later, i admitted my shame for feeling that way and my actions, but my assertion that my first duty was to keep my children safe. and i said, "i'm just afraid that something in his imagination will set him off someday and he'll take out a whole store or something."

turns out he didn't. what he actually did one day some 8 or so years later was hang himself. taking out only himself. thankfully. and sadly.

but you know? what an exceedingly lonely sad life for him. to have people be so afraid of you, they won't even share the same air with you. and i think, how much better would it have been for him to have lived with his family or in a supervised setting, where it could be assured that he would take his meds and it could be assured that he'd have people to interact with him. i guess what i'm saying is that he'd have had a better life without all that independence. and with others assuming some of his responsibilities. and i can't think that had his family or a companion been with him when he was sitting at that ice cream shoppe, that i would have been afraid of him.

did you ever see the movie, benny and june? i loved that movie. and it was rather about this subject. the brother did not want to let his sister (who i think was schizophrenic) have independence. he kept hiring housekeepers who she would drive away. then one day someone showed up who wanted to actually be a family member who would take care of her. (good old johnny depp) at first the brother doesn't trust that. but in the end, it's real. and i realize that this is just a fairy tale story. that you can't realistically hope that an offbeat, quirky hippie is going to show up and love your sister through her life. but seriously? i give the brother high praise for never abdicating his responsibilities until he found someone who could be trusted.

a good day for me

some days are good; some days are bad.

this one started in the middle. and stayed that way up until this evening. when i went to my evening class and discovered that our student who went to take the big test, passed! which i was thrilled about, naturally, but then when the life coach lady asked him what specifically he thought helped him pass, he answered right away, "oh it was xxxxx helping me with my math." and he looked at me and said, "thank you, i will never forget you helping me. i would never have passed without you sitting down with me the week before."

and that made my day. wouldn't it make yours? and it's doubly crazy for me, because well, you know, math and i are not always friends. but apparently, i'm good at teaching it. again, i think it's because i know exactly how you can screw it up, and so i know how to help people steer around those things.

so that really helped my day along.

but then it got even better. i was standing in the classroom waiting for something, and out of the blue, one of the students said, "you must never eat junkfood. you're so thin." and i said, "no, i eat junkfood all the time, and i'm not thin anymore. i used to be."

and she says, "no, you're thin. good thin. not creepy thin. you look damn good, girl."

and i said, "ha, for an old broad, you mean."

and the two young students who were standing near us started laughing. i looked at one of them and laughed as well. and about 3 of them at the same time, said something to the effect of "get off it, seriously you look really good and you don't look old."

anyway. i think they're nuts. or perhaps blind. but they sure helped make my day.

Memorial Day

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”

this is a quote from anais nin. she was a writer of (among other things) erotica. it seems she was a pretty good writer at that.

whatever. i think her quote is astoundingly true.

but i'm not in the mood to dwell today on things that went wrong. that's old and boring. and i do believe i'm just this side of over being ridiculous. i know what you're thinking. you're thinking, "it took you long enough." but it is what it is.

today is Memorial Day. a day of parties and gatherings. a time of remembering people who paid with their lives in wars that our country fought. i can't honestly say that all these people died for our freedom, because the more i read, the more i'm understanding that our wars have not really been all about preserving our freedoms.

so, i'm doing the remembering and not the gathering part.

the first Memorial Day celebration was in waterloo, New York with a speech given by the not yet president, james garfield. james garfield, of course was assassinated early into his presidency. probably for being such a force for civil rights for african americans.

waterloo, ny seems likely named for the place in belgium where napoleon was defeated. people say napoleon was a fascist, but i kinda more think he was a self-interested sociopathic, murdering dictator.

interesting how practically everything you can think about has some relationship to either love or war, huh?

and funny the things that cause wars. and funny- the thoughts and people who are made by wars.


“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.”

from "a farewell to arms." a novel about love and war, of course.

things i don't get

there are lots of things i don't get in this world. like why you would keep such loose tabs on your child (adult or younger) when you know he or she is mentally ill. i also don't get why we still allow the sale of guns at all. there's just really no legitimate need to have one. let people go to gun ranges and shoot at targets if they want to play. let hunters check them out for use if and only if they've passed stringent psychological tests. and don't give me the crap about needing to protect yourself from the government. let's face it, if the government wanted to wipe you out, they would. they've got all kinds of bigger, more devastating weaponry than you'll ever have even if you have a whole arsenal of guns.

another tragedy. this time in california. seriously, what's it going to take before people wise the hell up?

i do not want you to think that i blame parents of mentally ill children. i don't. i know that's a miserable fate to have a child who suffers in that way. i know it's hard to help them find good treatment, and good living situations. But for pete's sake, people, don't set your child up in an isolating, too challenging for them situation, walk away, and then hope for the best. the best is very rarely going to happen. it may just mean you need to be a full time parent forever. and if that's so, get help for yourself, yes, but don't abdicate your responsibilities. if you have a child with a cognitive disorder and they have the mental age of a child, you are not allowed to just set them up and walk away these days. you remain a supportive and involved parent to the degree that you need to and you prepare for when you die they have guardians to take over. so why should you be able to do walk away and live your life like you don't have a mentally ill child? why do you feel right about that?

i just can't stand hearing about another adam lanza, another Dhzokar Tsarnaev, another dylan Klebold.

i do not know how the parents of their victims don't explode with grief. or for that matter, explode with anger at those who could have possibly (with a bit more supervision and involvement) prevented these tragedies. i just don't get it.

my happy little library

so i never was one to go to the library much. not that i don't love the fact that there are libraries or that i don't like to read, but i was usually more content to either buy books i wanted or borrow them from friends. perhaps i am just lazy. but i can no longer keep a large collection of books here in the tiny apartment. and while i have and love my old timey kindle, i have recently gotten into going to the library and borrowing books just for an outings sake. there is this little branch library that is so near where i live, it's ridiculous. i can ride my bike there. and i plan to do so often this summer.

because i just plain like this little library. it's not very big. and it's not very fancy. so it's not overwhelming. and the people there are the nicest library people, i've ever encountered. and even though it's small and they don't have everything, they are connected with the main branch downtown- so in a matter of a day or so, they can get you most anything you want.

a friend recently remarked to me that it really doesn't take much to make me happy. she said, "you're really content with just the small things in the world and with almost nothing, aren't you?" and i think she's right. for the most part, i really am these days. and one of the "small things" that really pleases me is this little library.

splash

so, on the building message board they have posted that the pool is open. and i can tell it is. because i can see it from my balcony. and it's been kinda, sorta warm on and off for the past couple weeks. and apparently, they've installed a new grill/firepace poolside. and so it seems like perhaps it ought to feel like "it's time." but it just does not seem like swimming weather yet.

i can't figure it out. am i so conditioned by years and years of august to june school imprisonment, that i can't accept that it's summer until some last bell rings?

i don't know. but it is just SO nice not to be a frantic, frazzled mess- rushing to get a thousand things done before mid june. it really is like i'm experiencing a whole new season that i'd forgotten about.

it's just grand really. and apparently, the pool is now open and just waiting for me. yay!

acute coryza

so that's apparently a term for the common cold. of which i have. and i went out and bought some pineapple juice. because apparently, it's a great cough remedy.

not that i have a cough yet. but i'm prepared. because i know it's coming. it's what always happens after the sneezy, stuffy head phase.

as i told you, i'm quite grateful that i have this cold now. then i don't have to worry about being ill for my trip. but dang, it made last night and this morning rough. i just don't function well, when i'm congested. you could ask me my name, and i'd barely know it.

you know i've thought about it. and i actually think there has to be some good reason for people to get colds. i think they protect you from something or other that's far worse.

so i'm having this health care crisis. i need to make an appointment to get some more thyroid medicine. but since my new doc has joined up with this health care team, he switched from being a nice and disinterested old doc to this "what new diagnostic test can we give you?" health care provider.

see, what i've learned over the years is that it's just not good to hand yourself over to these health care people. they'll sign you up for whatever is the latest craze. they'll diagnose and procedure you right into death.

and i don't want that. i want my thyroid medicine. i know from experience that i cannot go without that. but i just do not want a heart scan, a lung scan, a Pap smear, a full chemistry lab, a mammogram and a colonoscopy. and so maybe i'll die without all those things. but i'll tell you what, i'll probably die with all those things as well.

and i just think that in the meantime, as long as i feel well, i'm doing just fine and that we should just do things naturally and you should leave me the hell alone. if i'm feeling sick, i'll call ya. if i'm not, give me my thyroid medicine and leave me alone and i'll be just fine. thank you very much.

in the meantime, i've got my full box of kleenex, my pineapple juice at the ready, and my vicks. and my acute coryza will go do it's job and then go away.

kinda sick and sorta good

good evening. it kinda seems like morning. i woke up with a bit of a cold. then after work i came home and i haven't left the sofa except to get food and orange juice. and an occasional trip to the bathroom. i don't really feel that bad, just stuffy with chills and fever, but i've become convinced in my second life here that if you stop and take time to actually rest when you're sick, you don't end up being as sick and you aren't sick as long.

i truly think that sleep is a great cure for about all that can ail a person. or at the very least, a preventative for lots and lots of things.

and so being a couch potato seemed the very right thing to do. and i'm just so very glad that i have time enough to be one these days.

i'm also kind of glad i have a cold now, because it assures that i'll be healthy and feeling well by the time i go on my trip.

so it's all good. good. but not perfect.

but that's ok. i just got a super nice friendly lecture on that i'm appreciated for being just good. and that i don't need to be jealous (as i confessed to be) of perfect people. because no one really likes perfect people anyway.

hipsters

so the hipsters of the world amuse me. they are so hip. what with their vegan-ness and their messy hair. and their organic pressed juice. oh and let's not forget their music and their progressive political views, their ironic t shirts and their social causes. they're quite sweet. really they are. you might be thinking i'm making fun of them. but i'm not. i do think they are cute. as all hell.

there is just one thing that bothers me about them. and it's that they're exclusive. by that i mean that not just anyone can be one. you have to be a certain kind of person. do things in that certain cool hipster way. and i'm thinking you have to just on this side of anorexic as well. and if you're not that, you aren't one of them. let's face it, they're cooler than you. they're better than you. and they know it. and they are very secretly very glad of it.

i'm just wondering what they are going to be like when they are 45. i'm not thinking it's a very pretty picture. i hope they don't care though. i hope they'll be still too hip to care.

husband of the year

so one of my very best friends is a special education teacher, like i used to be. and she's very good (and i truly mean, very good) at what she does. she's not just good, she's gifted. and i met her on the job some time ago. and she tells the story today about how when i first came to consult with her, she liked me right away, but that she'd never met anyone who so completely had no interest in being friends. and in my defense and hers, it wasn't that i didn't like her immediately; i did. but quite honestly at the time, my life was pretty hectic. really hectic. and i simply didn't have the time. so for roughly two years, we worked together, but i was mostly all business. but she kept inviting me to do things, and eventually, i gave in. and i'm so glad i did, because quite honestly, she's been a big part of helping me recover from the state i was in. simply by being there. and making me laugh. and never making me talk about what almost killed me. in fact, to this day, what little she knows about it all was sourced from other friends. she's asked nothing and i've told her nothing. anyway, she'll tell you today that she'd never worked harder to be friends with anyone. and once she asked me why i decided i wanted to be friends with her finally. and i told her that quite honestly what won me over was how very good she was at her job. that's how good she is.

but so anyway. this story isn't about me. or her. it's about her husband. and yesterday, on facebook, she reposted something about education, that i had posted and this random jerk started in on her, citing all the lame things people have been told to think about teachers and about teachers unions. and in so many words, he called her and every other teacher (but her specifically)- stupid, whiny, overpaid babies.

i saw it and made a mild comment about how breathtakingly ignorant he was. and that was ok. but THEN, her husband chimed in with a comment back. and he WAILED on the guy. just wailed on him to defend his wife. and her profession. and it was the most artful smackdown ever! he went off the rails on the guy.

it was a thing of beauty and a testament of love. and in my eyes, it was romantic as all hell. because you know? that's what you want in a spouse. someone who comes absolutely UNGLUED when someone tries to hurt you or demean you.

and it's not like they've not had their ups and downs and fights galore. neither one of them holds back when they are angry with each other. there's none of that stupid, politically correct, polite telling the other stupid stuff about how they feel. they just full out hurl at each other. it's rather like they love each other so much, and they care enough about their relationship to such a degree that they aren't going to run away or sulk, they are going to stand up to each other and fight it out. it means that much to them. and it's messy. but. they both always win in the end.

but WOE to the person that attacks the other one like this jerk did. and for that- i nominate my friend's husband for husband of the year.

anti bucket list

so here are the things that i don't really ever want to do again in my life before i die:

i don't want to go to any big parties. of any kind. a nice gathering of friends, ok. but no big parties, i don't care how fancy they are or who is there. weddings are the only exception.

i don't want to own an animal again. not unless i have a co-owner. but all by myself, nope.

i don't want to ride on a bus again. for any reason.

i never want to shovel a driveway out in the winter again. not on a regular basis anyway.

i don't want to plan another event in my life.

i never want to schedule or run a meeting ever, ever, ever EVER again.

i never want to be in charge of anything ever again. ok myself. i would like to be in charge of myself. but that's all.

i never want to be president, Vice President, or secretary of any organization of any kind ever again.

i never want to chaperone anything again.

i never want to give a presentation or inservice ever again.

i don't ever want to drink too much or have a hangover ever again.

i never want to compete in any way ever again.

i never want to write a grant or a proposal ever again.

i never want to be evaluated or do an evaluation of anyone again.

and the good news is - that likely i'll probably never have to do any of these things ever again. one nice thing about being old, i guess. you can just say, "no."

dislike

so, there's no reason why you have to like everyone, right? it's not a sin, right? it's not even mean is it? to intensely dislike someone, it's not wrong. as long as you do nothing to hurt that person you don't like, you can feel however you want to feel, right?
you don't even have to have a good reason for not liking that person. in fact, if you want, it can be a really bad reason. or even no reason at all.


actually, i'm quite surprised at all the people who i really do like.