tak a cup o' kindness

happy new year. almost. in a few hours, it will be 2016. how do you feel about that? i'm ok with it. i don't expect it to be much different than 2015, i guess. probably the same equal amount of bad and good as this year.

are you ringing in the new year at a party? i'm not. i'm home. wearing my flannel jammies and a baggy old sweater and some old slippers that my daughter once gave me. i cooked myself an early dinner of some lobster (yeah, really, it was on special) and am now enjoying a beer. i'm listening to a jazz album that i bought at the half priced bookstore today to play on my new little retro record player. i'm quite cozy. if you were here, you'd be cozy too. after this album plays, i'll put on my charlie brown christmas album that my daughter and her husband bought me. also, i spent a good part of the day at the library choosing several books to pick from for tonight's reading. oh. and one more thing, to set the scene- i have not taken down my christmas tree (because after all, i only quit celebrating it just yesterday.) so i have the regular lights off and am writing by the tree lights.

a friend texted me a bit ago and asked me what i was doing tonight. i told her and added, "please don't worry about me, i don't have any cats."
she knew what i meant- that i wasn't all lonely and sad with cats crawling all over me. and i'm not. there were a few things i could have done tonight. if i hadn't wanted to stay home. and i think you're only really lonely if you have absolutely nowhere you could go.

but i was out and about most of this week and i'm going out tomorrow night and have a full weekend planned. so, it is by choice that i'm hanging out alone tonight.

so here is what i'm musing on all alone in my cozy new year's eve nest:

i had a quick chat with another friend earlier tonight as he was getting ready to go to a party. out of the blue, as we were saying "later"- i told him to have a cup of kindness for me. i guess, in my head i was thinking about the auld lang syne song because it's new year's eve. i don't know. it just popped out. so. i've actually always rather liked that song. it seems kind of sweet. in a sweet sort of way. and so i looked it up to listen to it on youtube and found a version sung in "old english" or funky scottish or something with a translation and the line i quoted to my friend turned out actually to be "we'll tak a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang's syne."

for old time's sake.

and when they put it that way, i understand the song differently than i ever have before. before i always thought people were looking back on the year or years gone by with wistfulness and longing with a twinge of sadness because the year was coming to a close. they hated to see it go. but when they put the word yet in there, it changes the meaning for me. it means that the past may still yet be too painful or close to look back on with kindness or longing, but let's drink to feeling better about it someday.

and of course, that interpretation may be all wrong, but i have to say i, personally, rather like it. because you know? there are a number of things in the past that i've not really ever come to grips with. and really, if i had my druthers, i'd forget about completely. to say it more clearly, i'm still unsettled and unhappy about some of the past. i'm still angry and don't look fondly upon some of it. and i still regret some things as well. at the same time, times gone by deserve some reverence. because it's stuff you lived through. so "we'll tak a cup o kindness yet" sounds hopeful, doesn't it? like someday the rerun of your past won't be like some horror show to you? and more like a hazy montage with some nice jazz music playing as it runs on the screen.

but you know? i just was looking up the burns' poem that the song was based on and it seems it is really the pining of a broken hearted soul- whether it was actually written by burns or whether it's an old Scottish folk song. it's certainly sad.

"since you have rob'd me of my Heart; It's reason I have yours: Which Madam Nature doth impart to your black Eyes and Browes: with honor it doth not consist, to hold they Slave in pain. Pray let thy rigour then resist, for Old long syne."

He's begging her to come back. because of the times they had.

"But since that nothing can prevail and all hopes are in vain; From these rejected Eyes of mine still showers of Tears Shall rain: Though thou wast Rebel to the King and beat with Wind therein, Assure thy self of welcome Love, for OLd long syne."

he gave up. sad. all the more reason for a "cup o' kindness"

and i suggest we all tak one. (-:

and so just now i read that Japanese department stores play this at closing time to shoo customers out of the store. maybe the best use of the song i've heard yet.

anyway. time for another beer. time to start on a book. Happy New Year to you.

Dumb

This morning was a delicious Sunday. Slept until 9:30 and then drank four cups of coffee while finishing a book I'd been reading. I read without stopping,, except to refill my coffee cup, until well into the afternoon.

Then when I finished the book, I thought i ought to go over and put my time in on the treadmill and exercise bike. Never occured to me to eat. I never even thought about it or felt hungry. So, I go get on the treadmill and along about 25 minutes in, I start to feel light headed. But I think- good grief, I can finish five more minutes.

Except i couldn't. I felt myself starting to swoon and promptly go off and sat down on the floor and put my head down. I started sweating and my heart was pounding. i just thought I'd wait it out.

So as it happened, there was another girl in the fitness room, a girl I nod to on a regular basis. and apparently even though her back was to me, she sensed something was wrong, got off her treadmill and came over and said, "hey, you ok?"

And because I really couldn't deny it, i told her no. And I asked her to get me some water, which she did. And then she got this old fan they keep at the back of the room and aimed that at me.

When i came to a bit, she insisted on walking me back to my apt. And gave me her phone number and made me promise to call 911 first and then her if I felt faint again. I promised I would.

I texted her later to tell her thanks. And then even later she texted again to check in on me. She was so very nice. And i just felt dumb.

Really, you can't not eat, drink only coffee and lay around half the day and then go get on the treadmill. That's just plain STUPID.

And dumb.

Anyway, I drank a lot of water and ate and then felt just fine. And actually wanted to go back to finish my workout. But I just felt too dumb to show my face there again today.

Hopefully, tomorrow, I will be smarter.