bad grandma

so we're on the airplane finally- after being told at first we were among the 14 people being held off the airplane because of heat index issues. they needed the plane to weigh less. but at the last minute, they figured something out and we were told to board. it was more than a little nerve-wracking to be told it's ok, when they'd just gotten done explaining how it was unsafe. but ok. the pilot himself even came out and said it was ok.

but it's always a turbulent climb out of the denver airport because of the airflow and wave action and you don't want to crash into the side of a mountain and all that. and it was a little tense. and my poor daughter in law who is as scared to fly as i used to be is almost in tears in the aisle seat. and my grandson is sitting with her by the window and holding her hand. i am in the seat across the aisle one row ahead. and i turn to try to make sure they are ok. i tell my daughter in law that i can see ahead to the flight attendant who is sitting in her little jumpseat looking positively bored that it's really ok, that it's all so normal that the flight attendant looks very bored. she nods her head, but i can tell she's barely hearing what i have to say. i understand. i used to be that afraid of flying as well. i got over it finally though, when i realized that i didn't care all that much whether i lived or died. that kind of feeling makes one quite calm actually.

but i will stop here and say that i was a bit nervous myself. for two reasons- one, although i don't care much if i die, i do care that my family lives. and that especially my grandson gets to live. the second reason being is that i am a person who likes things to be settled. and there is still something in my life that does not seem settled to me. and so i was kind of reflecting on if i were going to die, how exactly i would wish that situation to be settled. and i used to think that i'd want the chance to tell someone that i forgave them. BUT- oddly- in the moment of slight panic, i didn't feel that way at all. and what i thought was, if i could- i would tell that person that they were a complete and utter jerk to me. and that i would never forgive them and they could just live or die with that.

so much for me being a nice person, i guess. (-:

but back to my grandson. he's holding his mom's hand. she's too upset to even look at him. he looks at her and she doesn't look back, she's too scared. and he looks up at me and says, "Grandma?" and i THINK he says, "I don't know what to do." and i think he's asking that he doesn't know what to do to help his mother. So, i tell him, "you are doing a good job taking care of your Mom. It's ok." and then he says something else, that i don't really hear, so I repeat and say, "Just hold her hand. You are doing a good job."

so eventually, the climb is over and it's pretty clear sailing the rest of the way home. and we land safely. and i tell my grandson that i was so proud of him for taking care of his Mom, when she was scared. and he says, "but Grandma, I was scared too, that's what i was TRYING to tell you!"

and i feel horrible because here the kid was trying to tell me he was scared, but i was too deaf and stupid to understand. i just thought he wanted to know what to do for his mom. i told him i was sorry, that i had misunderstood what he was saying. and that he was very brave. because that's what being brave is- getting through what scares you.

but i still feel like a bad grandma. i mean really, if i didn't exactly hear what he was saying, instead of assuming, i should have at least said, "what?" and then i could have said, "we are just fine. i know it's scary, but really we will be fine. we'll get through this, this turbulence is normal and we'll take care of each other through it. just hang on." i could have said something more reassuring and calming to him. i mean really, that's what you need to do when someone is upset and worried.

and so we lived. to see another day. and i just hope that the next time he might look to me for calming reassurance, i do a way better job.