My Bewildered Best

shifting gears

2012-02-12T23:22:00.002-05:00

i had occassion this evening to recall learningto drive a stickshift car. and the person who taught me.

i was trying to explain to someone how uncomfortable i am discussing things over the phone or trying to send messages back and forth. how it lacks that reassurance especially when you're in uncomfortable or unfamiliar territory.

and i came up with the analogy of learning how to drive, how when you were learning to drive, you really wouldn't have liked having a headset on with instructions being piped into your ears while trying to get up an interstate ramp. more reassuring is the driving instructor there with you- giving you instructions based on what you are both seeing. hopefully in a nice calm voice.

anyway, i got to thinking that i might feel this way because i really had a really nice driving teacher. who was actually sort of a boyfriend. before i took even the first driver's training class, he would take me out in his car onto back roads and he guided me through stops and starts and pushing the pedals with exact timing.

and i think back now- he was especially patient and kind. and he had a really soft voice too. which is a nice feature in a person who is teaching you to drive. or really anything. he was just a really nice person actually.

and why didn't things go anywhere with him? hmm. well because in addition to being nice, he was also kind of a wild person too. he did like to race that car of his. . and i think he had more speeding tickets than any other person on earth. etc. and my mother didn't like him. and well, he wasn't the type to go to college and all that. (not that he was stupid or anything, he really wasn't. his older brother in fact, i believe is a mensa member and i think he was actually smarter than the brother.) but anywayjust he had no desire to go to college. just wanted to work with his hands. which he still does to this day. and he's married and has a daughter and he's stil really nice. and he has a nice life.

anyway, he's a person that when i think of him, i think of him fondly. i don't think i loved him, but i liked him a whole lot and i''ve always been grateful to him for teaching me how to shift gears. my old renault and my old audi and even my old saturn thank him too.

anyway, nothing really earthshattering here to say. just having a little reminiscence.

oh and. he was maybe the best kisser out of anyone i've ever kissed in my whole life. there was that too.

crap du jour

2012-02-11T01:46:00.003-05:00

i wrote a post yesterday. a good long post. and i had the post up for all of about an hour and then i got back on line and took it off.

i'm not sure why. well i sort of know why- it was because i was talking about something that had upset me a whole lot. and i felt like spilling it all out. and so i did.

but then later, you know? i just didn't feel like having the whole world (as if the two or three of you that might read this blog are the whole world) know about it. so i took it off.

the venting was over. it did me good, but after that i didn't feel the need to have it recorded in history. which when i think about- maybe about two, possibly 3 of all the post i've ever written ought to be saved in my history. really pretty much of it all is just for lack of a better word- crap.

perhaps i ought to rename this blog "crap of the day"

but oh well and nevermind. except for hmm. i got to thinking. what about someday my grandson reading this crap, say he stumbles upon it- what's he going think? "wow, my grandma was some mixed up kind of nutjob. and boring to boot."

i mean really, is this blog all about the annoyances and trials of my puny little life what i want recorded for posterity? really? do i really want my ancestors to know that i wasted a decade of my life pining over someone who treated me in the end with all the consideration you might give a gnat because i had the audacity to be upset? i mean really, what does that say about me and the life i led?

the only thing i'd be is a cautionary tale- as in "don't live your life like this looney tune did."

it all kind of makes me shudder. and maybe someday soon, i'll desert this blog. and never be heard from again. the crap du jour will cease to be spewed.

which gets me to thinking- if i do that- should i go out with a whimper or a bang? should i go out quietly and suddenly like the end of john entwistle's "wonder what will happen when the sun goes out?" or should i spill it all - loud and clear like dynamite. and just explode out what i'd really like anyone who might ever read this blog to know. maybe a sort of crap atomic bomb.

hmm. something to ponder.

i had this odd encounter the other day. i stopped into a school library looking for one of my "charges" and the librarian there who i only know by sight told me that my student was absent. and she then asked me "i've always wanted to know about your job." and i told her a reader's digest version. and she said "wow, that's really something." and i shrugged and said "oh it's not much, it's just what i do." and she said "but really, that's impressive." and i said "well thanks, but seriously, it's not like it's rocket science or curing cancer." and she said "still, it's pretty important." and i said "well thanks." and then she says "so tell me- what do you do when you're not working?" and i'm thinking- "is this lady gay? is she hitting on me? what the hell?" and i say "what do you mean?" and she says "well, your job has to be stressful, what do you do for you? like do you paint?" and i laughed and said "oh no, i have no artistic talent." and she says "well but you must do something to center yourself."

and i said "well, i read a lot. and well, i guess you could say i write a bit. just for myself." (which honestly, yes i spew on here but i also write stuff just for myself too) and she said "oh i KNEW it!" i knew you'd be a writer."

and i said "well i'm not a writer really. i just write stuff. that doesn't make me a writer." and she says "well don't you ever want to publish anything?"

and i said "no" and she says "why not?" and i said "well i'll tell you what- everytime i even think about writing for publication, have an idea about something i'd like to write- i read something. and i always find someone who says it much better than i ever could."

so then she took a piece of paper and she wrote down a name. and she says "read this author, then think about writing some more."

i say "ok. thanks. that's nice of you to share that with me. but hey, i really need to get going now." and i left.

thinking "wow, that lady is odd." and i stuffed the paper in my pocket. and to be honest i haven't gotten it out of the pocket in the laundry basket yet. and i'm not sure if i will. i may just wash the name away. because i've really got no ambition to write. i really don't know that i have anything to say worth saying.

and that's pretty much what this blog is about i think. that i have nothing much worth saying at all.

counting down

2012-02-08T22:26:00.002-05:00

many people have asked me if i'm counting down the days until the end of my job. and i'm really not. first of all, i don't really have to because one of my good friends is doing that for me. on random days she'll call me up or text me and say "you have x days left." and so i don't really need to count and i haven't been inclined to.

what i will start counting down in the next few months are the conferences.

to say that i hate the conferneces is an understatement. first because they are horrendous to set up (in my specialty area) because there are so many people involved, second because the system we have to use now is non-intuitive, bulky, and clumsy to use and it makes the process a hundred times harder, when it's already hard. 3rd, i do a LOT of prepwork for each conference and part of that prep work involves gathering of information, writing things up and rounding up other people to pitch in their parts. 4th, there's a tremendous amount of anticipating the parent and staff questions and concerns and having answers at the ready. getting all the bases covered is exhausting in itself. and finally, the actual meetings themselves- they are grueling. (although they'd be much more grueling if i didn't prepare.)

anyway, march through may is conference "season" in my field, to review progress and make plans (the best yuo can) for the year ahead. and i've always "joked" with the therapists i work with that this is the season of NO sleep. parents are emotional, teachers are anxious, administrators are demanding. everyone is busy, everyone is tired, everyone has their own agenda, everyone is short tempered but holding it in professionally so the tension can't be cut with a knife.

and i hate it. and i will not miss even one tiny aspect of it. and if i've got it figured correctly, i will particpate in 30 more of these things by the end of the year and be in charge of probably 20 of them. and i will X them off with great big glorious Xs as i knock them off.

and i will not ever ever ever ever miss them. it's the best part of the whole retirement from this career. a dreaded hated aspect of spring. that will officially be counted off and never again exist in my life again! yeah!!!!!

cruel fate

2012-02-04T21:56:00.003-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hhl3BN2iOWw&feature=youtube_gdata_player

todd park mohr

cruel fate

extremely heavy and incredibly slippery

2012-02-03T23:13:00.003-05:00

it's been an interesting week. a lot has happened. not to me exactly but to various friends of mine. i am stuffed fairly full of "confidences" from various friends. some bad, some good, some nobody is sure yet what it is.

but what occurs to me is that a whole lot of people either trust me or they find me to be a good listener. or in some cases, they seem to value my advice a good deal.

this is flattering certainly, but it sure puts a lot in my head and heart that is heavy and somewhat slippery to hold.

and it does occur to me that i don't think i have ever betrayed anyone's confidence in me except once in my life. and i didn't even mean to then, except for it was too heavy for me to hold and because the person i was with was extra perceptive. and they guessed and i was too upset to hold on and hold it in. and as much as that person doesn't forgive me for being human, i don't forgive myself, more so.

but so anyway, all of it makes it hard for me to sleep.

Song du jour

2012-02-02T00:44:00.000-05:00

Big Head Todd and The Monsters - Broken Hearted... by Warner-Music

stupid is as stupid does

2012-01-31T22:42:00.002-05:00

more than just a line from forrest gump.

it's really true. i know someone who is about to do something really stupid. why? not because he's a stupid man. he's not a stupid man. however, out of pride and fear of a lack of control, he's in the process of doing something REALLY stupid.

sound like anyone you know? ha. sure sounds like someone i used to know.

and well, there is no stopping men like these. they are just bound to be stupid. they'd rather be stupid than admit they are wrong. and they may all end up ok in the end. maybe so. but they'll never have what could have been great.

stupid is. as stupid does.

a change in plans

2012-01-30T23:29:00.002-05:00

you might not know this about me- from all my scattered unorganized chaotic thoughts you see me write on here. and you might not know it from looking at the inside of my car or my office, but i'm a very structured person. and even organized in my own way. i might be messy. but you see i cannot function very well without a plan. and a well-thought-out plan to boot. i set up my schedule meticulously and with specific reasons in mind and i build in extra time for the things that will inevitably come up because i deal with people who are always unpredictable.

a few things i can't stand are being late, being unprepared, or people not following through. so i guard against doing those things myself.

which is not to say that i don't forget stuff. i do forget stuff. but i'm organized enough and i have my schedule planned out enough that if i do forget stuff, when i forget- and then remember- i have enough breathing room usually to take care of things. there is most usually no last minute rush.

so i have a set routine. this makes sure i get things done before the week is over. . which i find helpful in a job such as mine where no routine is set for you. you have to be disciplined to do my job. and principled. because if you're not, you could literally waste away all your time.

but you know what i did today? i threw out my routine. i sent emails out rescheduling my usual appointments and i spent the day doing other things that were on my plate.

it felt unusually spontaneous.

none of this is really blogworthy i know- but it is so highly unusual for me- that i feel like mentioning it.

oh and if you care and if you're wondering- i'm feeling a bit better about things. still a bit down. but i was buoyed a bit today by two different people (for two different reasons) seeking out my help. i don't feel like such a loser as i did yesterday, i guess.

subdued

2012-01-29T17:38:00.002-05:00

"what's wrong?"

"nothing, nevermind."

you see, i have a whole lot of stuff to say. some feelings to vent. but nowhere really safe to say anything or feel how i feel.

so i've been a bit subdued.

and if you ask me "what's wrong?"

i'll say "nothing, nevermind."

and then i'll smile and change the subject. and that will be that.

i got nothin'

2012-01-25T22:10:00.002-05:00

nothing to talk about, that is. i don't want to discuss politics, my work, my lack of life, my upcoming life changes, religion. none of that.

so i got nothin' to talk about.

except for i ate lunch with a bunch of kindergarteners today. they were charming. they made me laugh. but they ate next to nothing.

which made me remember my elementary school days when you had to eat whatever was in front of you. and it didn't take all day either.

so i'm trying to figure out what it is about these days that is different than those days. do people now consider it child abuse to make kids clean their plates? would parents now throw big fits if you insisted their babies eat? i mean i remember choking on rice with brown sugar, ham and beans, cornbread, salmon patties and prunes and all kinds of awful stuff because you'd be in trouble wasting your parents' hard earned money and risking the principal's ire if you didn't. but these kids won't even eat a ham sandwich and celery with peanut butter. and they pick from 3 flavors of milk. we got one.. it was called white.

their teacher told me later, that while they didn't eat at lunch, they all also claimed they were starving all day.

i know school lunches should be healthier. but healthy is not going to do kids any good at all, if they don't eat. but you can't feed them chicken nuggets and fries everyday either. i don't know what the answer is.

i'm trying to think of one. but i got nothin'

my response.

2012-01-24T22:01:00.001-05:00

in the words of jack kerouac, i'll answer "what did obama say tonight? and what did mitch daniels say afterwards?" - "i don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.

it just seemed like it was going to be a lot of ridiculous words all strung together.

seriously, i watched the Shawshank Redemption instead. It was a much better use of my time.

after all, "if you're not busy living, you're busy dying."

trial and error

2012-01-22T14:28:00.004-05:00

maybe you wouldn't know it from how i whine on here all the time, but i truly try to stay positive. i wouldn't say that it's the same as staying optimistic because i don't have any hope that any good will happen. but i do sincerely try to remain positive and of the mindset that even as unfair as i think some past events and some present events are- that i won't let them defeat me. and i won't succomb to vengeful thinking. that i'll do my best to try to forgive even if i can't actually do it and that i try to stay of the mindset that i will endure.

but you know sometimes stuff just pisses me off. and i think "wow, why do i even try to maintain?"

recently someone asked me out. and basically, i answered this person as honestly as i could and said "yeah, i don't know, let me think about it." and apparently that ticked him off and get this- he rescinded his invitation.

which prompted a friend of mine when she heard about it, to call me up and say "what the hell is wrong with you? he's a nice guy, even if he's not the one and can't you see that he was protecting his pride?"

and i answer "but i was just trying to be honest with him, that i just didn't know if i wanted to go out with him or not. he's so different than me. he's politically conservative, he's religious etc. - everything that i'm not."

she says "he didn't ask you if you wanted to get married, he asked you to go to dinner, you ass. call him back up, apologize and ask him out so he knows you mean it. seriously, you have to stop thinking "mr. perfect" is ever coming back. he wasn't perfect, he proved that by leaving you when you needed him most, he proved that by turning around almost immediately finding someone else and marrying her, so quit sitting by yourself all the time and go out with someone/anyone if you have the opportunity."

and i wasn't sure how i felt about that. i mean, first of all, really? i don't answer him because i'm legitimately not sure and his ego gets so offended that he can't give me a spot of time? why do i want to deal with a person as either insecure or egotistical as that? and besides that, really and truly- i can't see that i'd like the guy given his conservative and ultra religious views and why waste his time or my time?

and then while i'm pondering all this over, another friend tells me how a mutual acquantance whose husband died a little less than two years ago is already in a relationship and pondering marriage to that person. and when i hear that i'm inclined to ask the same question my friend who called asked me - "what the hell is wrong with me?" am i the slowest person in the world?

so i go out to dinner last night with two other girlfriends and i tell them how the other friend had called me up and given me hell about not going out with the guy and i ask them, "be honest, is there something wrong with me?" and "should i do what she says and call that guy back up?"

and both of them disagreed with the other friend, citing that i don't really need to involve myself with someone so needy that he can't understand that i might need a little time to think. and the one also said "i'll tell you what's wrong with you."

and i say "ok, what?" and more or less she tells me more or less that there's nothing whatsoever wrong with me, except that i have definintive ideas about what i want in a person and there is nothing wrong with that and why waste my time on losers, - but that i'm never not ever going to find that person here.

i didn't ask them about the other friend's accusation that i was still pining for "mr. perfect." i'm not sure now if that's really the case or not. i mean i can say that it isn't. i can tell myself that it isn't. but can i truly say that's true? i don't know.

because i have to tell you, that it is true that when i think of him now, i mostly just feel anger. the kind of anger that if i were the count of monte cristo, i'd consider the revenge of destroying his life. that kind of anger. and that's good and bad. because for a long time i used to excuse him because i loved him. i blamed everything on myself instead. and i have to say the farther i get away from it, the less i blame myself and the more i blame him. and i think that as "perfect" as he was, he was a jerk. and so i think now that if i'm angry with him, it means i don't love him anymore. but then there is the point that if i truly didn't care about him- i wouldn't even feel the anger. that i'd feel nothing whatsoever.

so i don't know. except for i know that it's a good thing for him that i'm not the count of monte cristo. (-: and that i try every day to be positive rather than negative. and that i don't consider myself any kind of emissary of god, righting the wrongs of the world, as romantic a notion as that seems sometimes.

but hmm. i'm still trying to figure out- should i prove to myself and everyone else that i'm over "mr. perfect" and suck it up and see if the guy would still want to go out? even if i think it's a waste of time?

by the numbers

2012-01-20T22:29:00.004-05:00

today i had the experience of procturing a math test for a 3rd grader. i was pleased to discover that i actually can do third grade math.

you're laughing? well, you see, i'm rather bad at math. other than that flaw i'm completely charming though. ha ha.

anyway, bad as i am at math, lately my whole life seems to be centering around math. figuring out interest rates and adding and subtracting and multiplying and dividing sums and products and stuff. . i'm trying to decide what to do with a number of things. accounts and policies and such like.

actually i'm trying to do two things. one - i'm trying to cut down my expenses to the barest of minimums. and two, i'm trying to figure out just how poor i am and how poor i will be. i need to figure out what numbers i'm going to have to live by.

and yes. no matter what i do, i'll have to work til i drop dead, i'm sure- but i really want to know how much of a job i'll absolutely haveto have. because quite honestly, i'm starting to think i'd prefer living poor as dirt to working too much. i'm tired and you know what? as i've lived quite minimally in my little room in the last couple months, i'm actually rather liking it. and i'm starting to think in terms of that when i move out of here i could live quite happily in a small, cheaper studio apt rather than a bigger apt. and that would save me lots and lots. i plan on getting the car paid off in the next tew months. and i am planning on keeping dear ruby for damn near forever or until she actually gives up on me. i'm shopping the dollar store. not just for fun anymore- but for real.

good grief, i may even start being one of those coupon clipping people. i did watch this tv show a few weeks back that featured a woman who actually got money back from shopping by using her coupons. of course she was at the grocery for 8 straight hours. but hmm? what's the lesser of evils? couponing or working?

miserable here, but horrible elsewhere

2012-01-14T12:48:00.003-05:00

sometimes stuff is just plain funny. like when you pick up your newspaper and read the headline "Miserable Here, But Horrible Elsewhere"

i mean really, is that about the funniest thing you've ever seen in print? i mean, which is worse? to feel miserable or to feel horrible?apparently my newspaper knows- that horrible is worse than miserable. i wouldn't have known that, i thought they had more or less the same rank. it seems you learn something new every day.

however now that i'm thinking of it, if there actually were a ranking, i go with with miserable being worse than horrible. it would go (in ascending order) - awful, horrible, and then finally and worst of all- miserable. but hey, what do i know about states of misery?

except i know a lot. having felt all of these things in my life.

yesterday when i was at work, i came back to my office that i share with another girl and she and this other colleague were in there talking. and after they greeted me, the "visitor" asked me "how many years have you been divorced?" and i said "hmm, i forget" and then counted up the years. and the "visitor" shared that she had been divorced but 3 years. and she and my officemate had been talking about the miserableness that is singlehood. my officemate is fairly recently remarried, having met her current husband on line. and they were discussing the horrible world of dating and/or finding a partner.

the "visitor" was lamenting that in our little rural area there was just no one of interest to even date, let alone think about having a full out relationship with. i agreed. she then asked me if i'd had any relationships since being divorced. and i answered. "yeah two, but one was brief and i wasn't really "into" him." and she said "the other?"

and i said "well the other damn near killed me. and i mean that literally, i was absolutely crushed and then torn in two when that ended, but i really don't care to talk about it ever now." my officemate who really knows very few of the particulars of that situation having just been hired a few years after it was over, nodded her head vehemently and said "oh yes, that was terrible." i looked at her quizzically, thinking "what the heck do you know about it and how miserable i was?"

and as if she read my mind, she said "xxxxx, i know it was horrible for you, even though you haven't said a lot about it. i knew that it broke you up way more than your divorce did." leaving off, the obvious that it was rather general knowledge for awhile around here that i might just drive my car into an oncoming semi at about anytime.

and as the conversation then progressed to we'd rather be alone than to have settle for people that bore us or who we aren't "into," and whether we'd ever do like my officemate and find someone and remarry, i thought to myself how my general condition had been upgraded or downgraded (however you want to look at it) from completely miserable to rather terrible to merely awful. and in fact, i might even go as far to saying now that i'm retiring from this job that was killing me to downright tolerable. i realized that i am in the tolerable state when the "visitor" reflected how often on the weekend, she just gets a book and a bottle of wine and spends her evenings crying.

i said without thinking "oh, i never cry anymore. i won't let myself because it just makes me feel worse now, but there was a time when i had no control over it, so i guess i'm better."

don't get me wrong, there will NEVER be a time in my life ever again where i'll be "right" again, but on the other hand, i have definitely learned how to live with my heart being ripped out. and i am doing all right. and to the point to where i don't much care anymore if i ever am in another relationship or even ever date again.

anyway, to wrap all this pondering of the state of things up- in thinking about the general horribleness of the dating world, i can reflect that once upon a time the headline "miserable here, but horrible elsewhere" might now read "tolerable here, but miserable and horrible elsewhere."

Stupid fatigue

2012-01-09T22:51:00.002-05:00

So I read this article about how teachers can suffer from compassion fatigue.

And it seemed to me that this may be part of my issues that are causing my wish to retire from education. And I think because I deal with medically fragile chilldren and their families -that this makes sense. I have to stay calm, kind and professional throughout a lot of circumstances and situations fthat are difficuLt and often heartbreaking. And it does wear on a soul after awhile.

So I tell a friend this and she says "no, I just think you're suffering from stupid fatigue- having to put up with all those stupid people that are in our field these days."

I think she might be right.

Defying the law of gravity

2012-01-08T20:06:00.002-05:00

There's an old birthday joke that goes "what goes up but never comes down?"

The answer- "your age"

So each birthday then is a defiance of the gravitational pull, right?

Ok, yes, that was corny. But hey on your birthday (or even on the day after) you are allowed.

Yes I had a birthday and yeah I'm a little torn about being older. I don't like having wrinkles or being so worn out after a night of celebrating. I don't like that with each year added, the possibility of me ever finding love again, goes down. I don't like that it's harder for me to learn new things than it used to be. And I don't like that regret I feel for wasting my now precious time on bad ideas and bad people. I don't like that I can't get that time back. I don't like remembering any time that I didn't at least try to be kind.

But

I do like that I am now able to retire from education. (even if I have to find new employment). I do like that given some of the sad experiences I have, I am pretty bulletproof these days. I do like that I have acquired along the way some very loyal and wonderful friends. I do like that I think I'm a much better and more kind a person than I was when I was younger.

So it's a mixed bag, this defiance of gravity. Some good, some bad.

better than laying blame

2012-01-03T12:51:00.005-05:00

so you need to know first off that i am completely against the so-called "reform" movement in education these days. it is based on ridding the profession of collective bargaining rights, implementing merit pay systems, minimal teacher training, judgement of school employees on student test scores, privatization of schools and using public dollars for private enterprises, and competition.

to say i'm against it all, is an understatement. i know it is wrong with every fiber of my being. and i hate it with my all my heart for what it will do to my profession and the effect i think it will have on students. and it's a big part of the reason i'm really glad for the opportunity to retire.

but having said all that, i find it difficult to place the blame on a young teacher's suicide on the intimidation she felt from the school system she worked for that was pushing it's staff really hard. apparently after the teacher's death, her colleagues started standing up saying that they all felt pressure of the kind that caused this girl to step out in front of an oncoming semi. they did stop short of directly blaming the system for her suicide, however her grieving parents did not. they flatly felt the system and her principal were to blame. they all (the parents and the teachers) felt that the young teacher loved her students very much and that she was blameless.

and it's not that i don't believe the environment she worked in was poison and toxic and intimidating. i'm starting to see schools like that all over the place. and it IS ugly. and it not good for anyone- employee or student. , but i can't say that this is what would cause a suicide either.

and it's not that i blame the girl herself either. i'm not sure she was clear thinking that this was a good solution to show to the student's she claimed to love, but i also know that she was not thinking clearly. i'm not saying she wasn't strong or that she was crazy or anything like that. i do not think that people who are suicidal are crazy. i just think they are in extreme pain, is all. too extreme of pain to think clearly. and that can be for tons of reasons and a complicated interwoven set of reasons.

and basically, there really is no real reason or at least any good one. no real place to lay the blame. even if i too would be tempted to blame the reform movement myself. i hate them that much. but again, i can't blame them for this girl's action.

but what is the solution to someone in this desperate state of mind? well to me the solution is to try and raise children who will turn into adults who have skills or resources to be resiliant against things that are not right or not fair. people who KNOW they are ok, even if the whole world as they know it turns against them. because here's the thing i know- life IS unfair. and things WILL go wrong. that is maybe the one certainty that i have in this world. and i know that i personally could have used much more of this resiliance in the past. i also think that now i do have it. and so how did i develp it? how can we develop resiliance in our children? and it's not too late to develop it in adults, even if it's too late for this girl.

so maybe instead of fighting about the blame, what the teachers ought to be doing and what this administration ought to be doing is putting together some kind of program in this young teacher's honor to develop resiliance in the students. because make no mistake- all of these kids will have tough times in their lives. some of them will have lives that suck entirely. and well you know? it can't be everyone's answer to walk out in front of trucks. i'd so much rather see them take this tragedy and turn it into something good than turn this girl into some kind of martyr for their cause.

for the sake of old times

2012-01-01T19:09:00.002-05:00

this is roughly what auld lang syne means. in case you were wondering.

and here is the first verse-

Should Old Acquaintance be forgot,
and never thought upon;
The flames of Love extinguished,
and fully past and gone:
Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold,
that loving Breast of thine;
That thou canst never once reflect
on Old long syne.

apparently the questioning lament of someone who lost at love at the ending of the old year and the beginning of the new.

then in the next verse the "loser/lover" goes on to say that when he thinks of the lost love, it chases away all his grief.

and that sure would be nice. if one felt that way. because i pretty much just want to gnash my teeth when i think of a love that went wrong.
i'm definitely not a believer in that old adage "better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." i truly would much rather have never felt the high than to have felt the low that followed. and well, you know? i truly truly truly hate reflecting on that time in my life now. i don't want to reflect on the old lang syne at all.

it really just makes me feel bad about myself. that i was so stupid and that i trusted him in the first place. and that i embarrassed myself begging and pleading to a coldy deaf heart and ears. for so long. and embarrased that i tried everything i could think of to get him to listen. i mean how stupid was i, thinking i'd find some magic words to get him to change his heart and mind that he'd already made up. not based on truth but based on some kind of jumbled up mistaken notion.

but "oh no" he was not a man who could ever consider that he might possibly on occasion be wrong.

anyway i guess my only pondering about whether he ever thinks of me still- has less to do with wishing he'd remember me but rather that i'd prefer he not even remember me at all to the erroneous way that i'm sure he still thinks about me that to this day still makes me angry as fire.

so in answer to the question "should auld acquaintance be forgot?" my answer is "YES."

really, because mostly when i think of that time now- i want to spit on the ground.

Nothing but the dead

2011-12-28T22:47:00.003-05:00

When I was little I used to believe that when someone you knew died they would have an audience with God and they would tell god what they thought of you. And each successive person in your life would do the same until by the time of your own death, god would add it all up and on that basis decide whether you'd go to heaven or hell.

I also believed that just after a person died, they somehow had some influence on making either nice things or bad things happen for you, depending on how they felt about you as they died. I guess that was incentive to be nice to dying and/or old people.

Pretty goofy huh? Yes, I was a strange child. And yes it makes me laugh now. Especially since now my belief is that when you die- you aren't much but worm food. And that a deity is a most unlikely reality. And therefore you won't be talking to or affecting good or bad for anyone post Mortem. I believe now that the only influence that the dead have is the impact or impression they made on you when they lived. To me that's all that lives on.

I don't get why that's not enough for people.

Take what you can

2011-12-27T23:25:00.002-05:00

Give nothing back.

Yes i just watched one of jack sparrow movies. I do enjoy some swashbuckling action adventure sometimes.

I plan to go see the new Sherlock Holmes movie too. The first one was great.

I actually rather like watching movies sometimes now. I didn't always and I can't say I really like a lot of them still. But I do like a good story so long as there isn't a whole lot of romance involved.

I've been reading " the count of monte cristo". And wow I'd like to see that tale of revenge as a movie.. Now I'm wondering if it is already. A quick google check says "yes.".

So hmm. Guess, I'll rent it after I finish the book. I have images in my head of what the characters look like and I don't want to spoil those before I get to "the end."

Public displays-bah humbug

2011-12-26T19:59:00.002-05:00

You maybe wouldn't know it because I whine on like a banshee on here, but I'm just not a real big fan of public displays of anything. If you're happy, mad, sad, frustrated,, depressed, furious, in love, or believe in a deity- Fine. Good. Bully for you - but really, nobody at the walmart or the facebook or the local hair salon needs to hear about it or witness it. It won't make it any more real or less real for you if you impose it on the rest of us.

I'm not saying you can't express how you feel, but for Pete's sake- tell a close friend, your priest, your trusty dog, or a therapist if your boyfriend dumps you or if your husband bought you a pumpkin sized diamond or your god died for you. Or hey, if you feel like slitting your wrists - call a hotline. or hey call me and I'll feel honored you chose me to help you through your tough time- but PLEASE don't post it on a you-tube, go on dr. Phil, stick a "pray for me" sign in front of your house, or testify at church.

Really, I mean it. If your barn burns down or your Insured house washes away in a flood, or your cat gets hit by a car- we don't need to see your pain and grief on a billboard. You're probably going to recover. Try being truly homeless and living in a car or losing your child to cancer or starving, then ok, you've a right to a pd.

If your child invents the cancer vaccine or your wife creates word peace, we don't need to see your pride and joy pasted on your public fb wall. I'm real proud of some people too, but you know? Bragging, it's not pretty.

If you''re in love, I beg of you, try to remember you are two separate people and leave some space between you. Quit telling us all how happy you are to have found each other.. You ever think how that makes those of us losers without love feel? Well, I'll tell you- it makes us feel lousy. So tell your mom or your pop or your granny- they'll be real glad for you- but don't push it on the rest of us.

There is only one exception to all of this as far as I'm concerned and that's if do something funny- broadcast away. We can all stand to laugh more.

Lightness of being

2011-12-20T22:18:00.005-05:00

Yippee! Almost Solvent. The mortgage and the heloq are paid in full. In one week all of the kids' student loans will be paid off. Except for the one that the mutual fund account will pay. That leaves the car payment and in a few months, I think I can get that accomplished. I even paid for the roof to be fixed.

Retirement is looking more and more like it will actually be possible. So many monthly payments I will no longer have to make. Yes I'll still need a job and I will live poor but some heavy heavy weights are off my shoulders.

Weights that have been there a very long time. It feels crazy weird to me. Wonder if I'll lift off the ground in a strong wind, I feel so much lighter.

All I want for Christmas

2011-12-17T23:57:00.004-05:00

Yeah. I don't really want anything for Christmas. Not anything I can actually have anyway.

I mean I'd like a million bucks, an unlimited supply of wine, to travel extensively, true love, and word peace. But you know, none of that's going to happen. Ah well. Such is my life..

But its not like I won't like anything I'll get. I'll likely be most pleased with anything I receive. But as for actually wanting anything this year- there's nothing I can think of to want.

So the reason I was thinking on this was because I went out to dinner with two friends tonight and the one was asking me if I was feeling like I was 20 again and about to strike out in life what with my upcoming retirement and move.

And I laughed at the thought and said- "yeah no."

She said "Why not?"

I said "well because back then I was all full of hope that all kinds of good and fun and exciting things were going to happen in my life and now all I really hope for is that I'm going to survive."

The thing is that I can't actually say I'm unhappy anymore. I'm really not. It's not exactly that I'm happy really, but I guess it's that I don't have the ever present desire to crash my car into a tree anymore either. I guess that's improvement.

Anyway, my friends were kinda either dismayed or surprised that I was'nt feeling more excited but they didn't press the issue until later on the way home. Indirectly.

They started discussing this guy they know fairly well that is around their age. And they were talking about they didn't understand why he wasn't dating. They speculated that he'd never gotten over a broken short-lived marriage. The one friend saying "but my god- it was nine years ago. Doesn't he want more in life than going to work and home again?"

And I'm not saying anything. I'm thinking at this point they are trying to say something to me. I realize they probably weren't but I felt like they were. There was a pause in their conversation. It felt way to empty and heavy to me. So I broke the pause and said "well you know it might be that he just hasn't met anyone he has any feeling for."

"no" they said. One of them continuing and the other one agreeing that it wasn't that, but just that he was too broken to even try anymore. And it was a shame.

I still felt like they were talking about me. I started thinking- that it's not that I'm so broken anymore, it's more what I said about their friend, that it's just that I can't really see anyone that I would be interested in and I don't expect anything or anyone i might feel that way about to walk into my life. And in the meantime, things are really a fair amount of tolerable for me. My day to day life is pretty good especially as i am retiring and i don't have to take a lot of th is stuff too seriously anymore. And my kids seem to be doing well. My grandson seems well adjusted and happy.I've got good friends to hang with- there's really nothing more that I can reasonably expect to want that I don't already have.

Anyway I think that this Christmas will be nice. I think that I'll get lots of nice things that I'll like. I can't really say that I want anything more.

in my next life

2011-12-15T22:59:00.002-05:00

wow. in my next life- i'm going to be a stockbroker. why? well for pete sakes they take hour and 1/2 lunches.

wth? who can take an hour and 1/2 lunch? who's got that kind of time in a work day?

i admit it. since i've started my quest to be a healthy person, i'm eating lunch more than i've ever eaten lunch before. but you know what it is? it's yogurt with granola and sometimes fruit at my desk while i'm checking and answering work emails or making phone calls. and sometimes it's around 10:30 in the morning, occasionally it's actually around lunchtime and more often it's about 3:00 in the afternoon by the time i get to it.

but i can't think that in all my 30 plus years of work that i've had an hour and 1/2 lunch more than 10 or 11 times. and that's only when i've been sent to some workshop or other.

but today i'm returning a call to the stock broker guy at about 11:45 and his secretary tells me "oh he's gone on his lunch. he usually gets back a little after 1, i'll have him call you."

and i say "yeah no, i'll be out in a school, tell him i'll call him back around 1:30."

ok, maybe he goes in at 5:00 a.m. and maybe he works until 7:30 at night. but you know i kinda doubt it.

well, anyway, i still think i might be a stockbroker. it has to be better than this gig. course i might have to actually know something about stocks.

ha. now- an aside tonight. i had my first tiny bit of nostalgia recently about leaving my job.

first on sunday i ran into an assistant that i used to have way way back in the old days when i still taught. and she was a terrific assistant. but sadly now she has alzheimers. and she was out at a restaurant with her family and sometimes she'll know you know and sometimes she won't. sunday was a good day and she knew me. and she just beamed when we were talking. she said "we used to have such a good time, didn't we?"

and i thought "you know? we did have a great time!" we used to laugh and laugh. and we also used to work our asses off. but it was fun too. exhilarating really. we really enjoyed those kids. and i feel like they were well served. it made me feel rather sad to think how fun it used to be and how very unfun they've made it all these days.

i mean, not that having fun is the object of work- but i'm really not sure why work with children should have to feel like drudgery. so i'm a little sad and missing the "olden days."

then also, a colleague has asked me to do a few language lesson with her class before i retire. i used to do them with her class for a few years and she wondered if i might come in a few more times before i retired. and we decided "christmas week" might be a fun time.

and so i was getting out some old notes on activities i was thinking about doing and as i was looking them over, i was rather taken with how much work i used to do planning things when i taught. i kept detailed notes and drew diagrams to outline the things i was planning on doing and why. (what i wanted the kids to learn, how i wanted things set up, lists of materials to gather etc.) and i noticed that after i presented the lessons, i'd write in notes about things i might change or do differently next time. i'd forgotten how diligent i was.

but as i was remembering all these things- i started thinking how that part of my life is essentially over. and thinking that i will miss it some. and i'm rather glad my collegue/friend is allowing me the chance to play teacher a few more times.

not sure if i'd be sad about giving up being a stockbroker. i might miss the long lunches.

duck for dinner

2011-12-11T21:45:00.003-05:00

i did have a scrumptious dinner last night. i went out for a "christmas" dinner with 3 of my close friends and we went to one of my favorite restaurants. and there i had what is perhaps one of my very favorite foods in the world- duck.

and even while i was very happy with the choice of restaurant, i didn't pick it. we had jokingly decided that from now on that whenever we went out- whoever had the suckest life at the moment- would get to pick the restaurant.

and my friend got to pick because in the past year she lost her job, lost her father, was diagnosed with bladder cancer, has had numerous infections, mishaps in surgery and in fact is scheduled for another corrective surgery again this week. oh and also one of her closest friends is dying of cancer.

she "wins." this time.

so we decided that for now- she has the worst life. she quipped that she would likely always get to pick the restaurant because she didn't forsee her life getting any better soon.

but we told her not to worry- none of our lives were big beds of roses. we'd sure we'll get to share the honor.

anyway, when it's my turn again- i may just opt for duck again. i mean if your going to stuck with a sucky life you might as enjoy it with duck. don't ya think?

home sweet not home

2011-12-08T23:22:00.002-05:00

this may sound odd. and don't misunderstand me- i'm not unhappy here at all and everything is really nice back here in my old home. it's kinda fun actually. and it's actually quite homey.

but the wierd thing is that it doesn't feel like MY home to me. it feels like someone else's home that i'm living in.

which is fine. because that's technically (almost anyway) what it is.

anyway, no matter what else it is- it's temporary. and i keep wondering where i'll go next.

it feels nicely uncertain.

So, how ya been?

2011-12-07T22:40:00.002-05:00

Yes I have been elsewhere. Doing other stuff. Like settling back in my old new home. Resisting the urge to smack some people who are rude and demanding and ridiculous at work. Trying to conjure up 16 hundred bucks out of thin air to fix the roof. Writing reports. Looking over retirement info. Walking the new dog. Watching the news. Reading. Christmas events. Dance class. Wrapping christmas presents. Oh and yeah- sleeping. I've been so tired.

If I do nothing else this weekend, I hope I can sleep. Lots. I also hope to finish the Christmas shopping.

Anyway-that's all I've got to report. Life is dullish. How about you? How ya been?

"what the hell has my ass got to do with magic?"

2011-12-03T23:30:00.004-05:00

yes, i will eventually get to the "worst nine dollars ever spent" story. (alternately entitled "eggiwegs- i want to smash them.") but....

my mind keeps wandering. and right now, it's filled with yet another head cold, a decent amount of wine, some fatigue, and a friend's thoughts on facebook.

because here is what she said after all i did was wish her a happy birthday- "thanks, you wild woman, you! Just thinking of your name often makes me smile because you are so smart and capable and yet you still like to stir things up and make the world aware of the inequities in the educational (and other) systems. I think you are kinda like a female Don Quixote....do you own a donkey or a sword??"

now the friend who takes the time and trouble to say this- is not really even a close friend. we're on good terms, obviously- but she's not one of my "besties" or anything. and i'm a little taken aback by her assessment of me. she seems to view me as some kind of well-meaning but inept "hero" or something.

and i'm nobody's nothing really. and i sort of wonder who i am.

because really- who exactly are we except the reflection from others' eyes?

who am i? i do often, quite often, feel like the hapless don quixote. hence why i love the book.

but who am i? i mean there's a man out there in the world who thinks i'm the devil incarnate because i dared to be upset about something.

and there's my mother who thinks i'm not what she wants me to be.

and there's everyone else who thinks i'm something or other...

one time i was talking to the mother of one of my students. and she told me that she and her husband had been talking about me because they were so appreciative of the things i'd done for their daughter and she told me her husband told her "you know- she's really something- she is whoever she needs to be."

i said "what?" and she said "well, if you need to be tough to get something accomplished, you're tough. if you need to be patient, you're patient. if you need to be funny, you're funny. if you need to play dumb, you play dumb. you do whatever you need to do- to make things happen. xxx and i really appreciate that about you."

and i suppose that was a compliment. i do know she meant it as one. and now this friend on facebook, she calls me don quixote. tilting at windmills and such. so i must be some kind of mix of pragmatic and ridiculously idealistic and hopeful.

which makes me think of another conversation i had with another friend lately. who said "you and i, we can't quite get it through our heads that people are not going to do the right things. we are always expecting people to do the right things but they so seldom do and then we're upset. when are we going to learn?"

i didn't tell her- i've already learned. i'm not hopeful. and i don't expect the best from anyone. tht's been beat the hell out of me. i don't trust anyone to do anything. or treat me kindly. i think what fools her is that i still try to act as if they will. or might.

because you know? it all boils down to no matter what or who anyone else is- i have the choice to try at least to be who i want to be. no matter what they do.

and i want to be kind. and i want to be strong and stand up for what i believe in. and i want to be whoever it will take to make things i want to see happen- happen.

so call me whatever you want to. maybe i'm that. maybe i'm not. i can only do what i decide to do. that's the only magic, i've got.

home again, home again, jiggety jig

2011-12-02T00:12:00.002-05:00

no, i have not been to market. unless you want to count the trip to the grocery store to rent the rug doctor rug cleaner. to clean the carpets of the house that sold and we have to hand over to the new people on saturday.

and almost everything is moved out of there. and most everything i own is either in a storage facility or here in this room- my daughter's old room- at my old house. i am now sort of a renter in my old house. which for a few more weeks will still technically be mine, but then it will be off of my hands and belong in full to my son. yeah.

later on, after the school year is over and i'm officially retired from that gig and i figure out what/where my next destination is- i'll move out again and into some place of my own.

but for right now tonight, after rugdoctoring and schlepping stuff here, and unpacking and rearranging and putting things away enough that i could get to the bed and then finding my monkey jammies to put on (yes i have monkey jammies, courtesy of my niece) - i am finally settled in bed in my temporary room in my temporary house.

i'm home again, home again- jiggety jig. sort of.

pound puppy

2011-11-30T22:48:00.002-05:00

so this is arthur. arthur has joined my family. he is from the pound. he is two years old. he was supposed to be a christmas puppy for my grandson, but my son- well he couldn't wait. when he called the pound to ask them to "save" the first beagle-like dog they got- they said "we've got one now." and so here he is.

right now- i feel kinda bad for arthur. he's very sweet, but i think the month that he spent in the pound has kinda traumatized him. and now all the newness. and a six year old that he's not accustomed to. and a baby cousin who came to visit. and worst of all a bath. he seems a bit overwhelmed by it all.

he's friendly enough, he comes right up to you and wags his tail. and later when i went to see him a second time- he fell asleep with his head on my leg.

i'm glad he's here. i liked him instantly. and i know he will be loved well.

we're going to rock on to electric avenue

2011-11-29T23:57:00.002-05:00

sometimes life is a little strange. in an enchanting sort of way.

so last sat night while my daughter was in town and in the country, we went out to the nearest "bigger" city for dinner. and following dinner we went to a club to hear a band.

but my friend who was driving took a wrong turn on the way to the club.

which turned out to be a very charming mistake. because we stumbled into this old rundown neighborhood and on to electric street. (sadly it wasn't actually electric avenue- but seriously it was electric street) and on electric street was this old house with a usually empty lot beside it. and the house, the yard, and the entire "empty" lot were filled with these collections of antiquey light up christmas decorations- as in the picture.

the best part though was that the decorations were in groupings. all the carolers together, all the teddy bears together, all the santas together, all the gingerbread boys together... etc.

snd so my friend pulled over the car, my daughter and i hopped out and took pictures and my daughter even went up and talked to the owner of the house (who was out checking on his extravaganza) and he told her that he wasn't even finished yet.

anyway, we got back in the car and laughed and laughed about the name of the street and we sang a little chorus of "we're going to rock onto- electric avenue..." and we wondered about the insanity of all these hundreds and hundreds of vintage decorations on display in a nowhere part of town. and we complimented my friend for taking her "wrong" turn that turned out to be so enchanting.

i guess maybe it's just the odd things in life that get you through sometimes, you know?

cuz -as you might know- i don't really like christmas all that much, but i have to tell you- i plan to "rock back to electric avenue..." and enjoy a little more electric christmas before the season's over.

only wish my daughter could have stayed a bit longer so we could rock on back together.

me and my apprentice shadow

2011-11-23T23:59:00.004-05:00

so there's not much to do here in the small town. but my daughter seems happy to be home and she announced when she got here that she wanted to learn how to cook a turkey. apparently, she's going to try this at home in japan.

and so we dubbed her the official turkey apprentice. and this evening we've been doing the prep work for roasting the birdbeast (and it IS a beast- this turkey is huge) and the trimmings. she's doing good work.

but earlier today she wasn't so much an apprentice as she was my shadow. this morning she tagged along with me to work. and well, you have to know that the days before holidays in schools are not great days for consulting with staff or remedial work or observations or evaluations, and on top of that 2 of my students who i serve direct were home sick today- so as work days go, it was not a real exciting or busy day.

but my shadow- she trooped along cheerfully behind me as i did some light "rounds" checking on some of my charges. and at one point i said something to the effect that it wasn't a very exciting day. and she said "no, but i'm enjoying tagging along and wow, people really do like you, don't they?"

i said "what?" and she answers "well, everywhere we go, people really seem glad to see you and they want to stop and talk to you."

i found this highly amusing. i'm not sure whether she was surprised this might be so or not. i guess i never thought about whether people liked me or not- i just do my job. but i guess in reflection, it kinda shows how hard i work at my job. because you know? i'm not the most outgoing of people and having to talk to people all day is taxing to me and if people like to talk to me it must mean that i'm conveying to people that i want to talk to them too. even if that doesn't come naturally to me or it's not really true.

no wonder i'm tired at the end of the day.

anyway, my apprentice and i are now boiling eggs. after that, we're calling it a day.

tomorrow i'll share about the worst 9 dollars ever spent.

a twinge

2011-11-22T23:55:00.003-05:00

there was a break in the family action for me tonight as my daughter took off with her dad and brother for the evening. and i thought i'd better use the time wisely as the movethehellout day is coming up very quickly.

and so i resumed packing. and the first part wasn't too hard as i just started putting away summer clothes into tubs to put in storage. didn't bother me. summer's over- big deal.

so then i thought "ok, take down the pictures on the walls." and i did. but- that got to me. i felt a twinge. a twinge of sad that i'm leaving this little house. because as i've told you, i've really liked it here. it's maybe the first place i've ever lived since right after college that felt like mine to me. that felt homey to me and that i looked forward to coming home to when i was out or away. .

and it's striking to me that i didn't feel the first touch of regretful sentiment or sadness leaving the other house. i was downright happy to leave it. i could not have cared less. but i am feeling sadness at leaving this one.

and i know it will be ok. when i finally land where-ever it is i'm going, i'll be fine again. but for now it seems a bit unsettling.

but the next part won't be so bad i guess- it will be all the kitchen stuff. that isn't really mine anyway.

Goats

2011-11-20T23:48:00.002-05:00

So we went to church today as my daughter is home and it makes my mother happy to have her family at church. And the sermon was about judgment day issues and how you really want to be a sheep or a lamb of god and you really don't want to be a goat. Sheep-good. Goats - baaad. So my daughter and I summed it up. And cracked ourselves up.

But really he was talking about a 3rd category of being and that was that of being a person in position of receiving grace. I,m not really sure if I can convey exactly what he was talking about, but it had something to do with not worrying so much about whether you are a sheep or a goat and just be glad you are a soul given grace.

And yes this is nice, if you can follow it, but I got to thinking "you know if I were god, I'd probably go for a system that was a shade or two easier to follow. Something less mysterious and obscure." Because I gotta tell ya and god should know- most your people in this world are not all that bright and leaving it up to them to figure all this stuff out with their own wits is kind of a lot to ask. And It's probably why a lot of people go for that simpleminded fundamentalist stuff. It's simply easier to grasp the concepts. Hell is hot and terrible, you don't want to go there so follow these ten simple rules and you won't. Heaven is all fluffy white with pretty music and your dead grandma with gumdrops and maybe even your favorite puppy and you do want to go there. Follow these ten simple rules and you will. Easy as pie.

There are all these best selling stories now about people dying and coming back to life to tell us about the wonderfulness of heaven or to warn us about the temperature of he'll. And well you know? Again seems to me that it might just make more sense to let us all have proof with our own eyes rather than make us judge whether a five year old had great dream or if it was real. Because here's the thing about 5 year olds, they don't really have that fantasy/reality thing figured out completely yet. So you can't really trust em. And why should you have to?

And I don't know. I guess part of it is that I don't really get why a god wants you picking him based on fear of a horrible opposite in the first place. That's a god that seems a little insecure to me.

But what do I know? I'm a goat.

error, your request could not be processed.

2011-11-17T19:38:00.000-05:00

so my blog is telling me tonight. and i don't know what that means as i didn't request anything. so we'll see if anything comes of that.

so what was i going to talk about tonight? well there's the thing- i had nothing in mind. most days when i get on here, i've something in mind to yak about. tonight -nothing.

so i'll give a news report.

bad news- the homeowners does not cover the roof. because there is no hole in it. and the warranty doesn't cover the roof because the shingles are fine. so sigh. i'm going to have to conjur some money out of thin air. sigh.

good news- my daughter is in the country. although i won't see her until tomorrow night. looking so forward to that!

minor news- i bought the turkey tonight. a huge huge very big turkey for maximum leftovers for us all. 16 bucks off!

weather news- it's gotten cold cold cold. winter coat and i have to find a hat cold. and oddly i am not minding it that much so far. it beats the rain, i guess.

work news- i'm being driven to distraction with this new program that we have to use. it's ill-designed for some other purpose than putting together good plans and if i hadn't already decided to quit, this would do it, i think. oh and there is also much talk about the disbanding of our organization and having the districts "own" us next year. it's nice not to care too much about the pros and cons of that.

moving news- 17 days til i have to vacate my sweet little house. but it's all good, i think i'll enjoy hanging with my grandson for awhile until i find my destination. he really is pretty fun. and complimentary. the other day i said something about being an old grandma. and he sincerely and non-patronizingly said "old? you're not old." he seemed genuinely incredulous that i'd say i was old. then later he said "you're my oooollldd grandma." anyway, i've done precisely no packing. (-: but i've decided to put my daughter to work on it with me while she's here. i'm going to bribe her with wine and a spa day.

immediate news- i need to go fold some laundry, empty the dishwasher and pack for the weekend. so that's it for the news.

good night. may your requests all be processed. unlike mine.

just some thoughts-

2011-11-16T20:50:00.007-05:00

today i was chatting with a person that i'm loosely friends with. and she is the 2nd wife of a guy i went to high school with. sadly this summer, one of his sons died in an accident.

i'd gone to the funeral but i don't guess i'd paid much attention to how the families were sitting or all the events, but today the stepmom (who i was chatting with) was sharing with me how very hurt she'd been by some of the arrangements. the arrangemets being made by the kid's mom.

and she shared with me that while she'd never tell her husband this, that she was very very hurt and angry that he didn't stand up about some things to his x-wife. she thought it showed disrespect that he didn't stand up for her as his current wife.

and well, as i understood it, she wasn't really asking for much really. she was asking to sit with her husband. and she was asking that her children who were stepbrothers and sister to the kid be sitting directly behind where she and her husband were sitting. (mind you- all of these kids, including the deceased are between 18 and 27)

and i wouldn't have thought that was that big of a wish.

but on the other hand, i'm not sure i would have been so upset by the whole thing really either, not enough to be mad at my grieving husband for not standing up for me. i think i would have tried really hard to understand that grieving often and usually brings out the worst in people (as in the mom's excluding actions) and i don't think i would have expected anything at all from my husband during that time when he was probably numb. or even now. because i'm sure that even now is still way too raw for him.

but then again- as the kid's stepmother, she was and is grieving too.

i wonder how the holidays will go for all of this family. because the holidays- especially the firsts after a death are really horrible. with memories flooding back and that empty seat at the table and all. i wish them all some peace.

Fixing a hole where the rain gets in...

2011-11-15T21:39:00.002-05:00

And stops my mind from wandering where it will go..

In case you've never heard this little beatles ditty, here you go....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0I2ZrBuFdQ&feature=youtube_gdata_player

It's a little tune about a person deciding he doesn't want to worry about other people's goofy opinions of him and he doesn't want to dwell in despair and let his problems or other people's opinions of him rain down on him all the time and so he's "fixing a hole where the rain gets in" and he's "painting his room in a colorful way" and that makes him right with himself and "where he belongs" and so he's free to let his mind wander and dream up what he wants.

And I'm put in mind of this song today because of a literal event - my roof has sprung a leak literally. And in trying to cheer myself up over this unexpected expense that now looms- I'm remembering all the really good things that are happening right now- Martin Seligman style.

Two positive thoughts for every 1 negative.

So my brain is trying to fix things in both the figurative and the literal sense right now.

And I'm working on trying to maintain this philosophy from here on out in my life.

So just a little warning to you all- don't you even try to "rain on me" I know i'm right and you can just stay away from my door now because I'm not letting you in anymore if all you're going to be is negative and believe the worst of me. I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in.

I should have done this years ago.

Shopping revisited

2011-11-13T21:43:00.004-05:00

If you know me, you'll know I'm not a great lover of shopping. Except I've realized lately that this is not exactly true. With the right people or under the right circumstances, I've found I actually rather enjoy shopping.

One of the reasons I used to hate shopping is that whe I was married, I was made to feel guilty if I ever bought anything and let's face it- it's hard to window shop all the time or even try on stuff that looks great on you but have to leave it at the store because you don't want to deal with the hassle. This guilty feeling that I shouldn't have or buy anything stayed associated with shopping clockwork orange style for many years.

Another bad association with shopping was that both my mother and my grandmother were tireless shoppers. I'd be long done and they'd still be pushing on to yet another store. It was a crime to leave anything unturned. I was dubbed by them as a spoilsport. I'm sorry but really three hours at a stretch is my absolute limit. They knew no time boundaries whatsoever. They should have just plopped me in a bookstore and returned for me when they were done. We'd have all been happier.

on Saturday I actually went to do a little Christmas shopping. I realized that I wouldn't have much time for it in the coming weeks. I decided to go by myself so I could follow my whims and not have to deal with anyone else's. I also didn't feel guilt because I wasn't buying for myself. And there were good sales so I didn't have to worry about my poverty level too much. Oh and when I was tired of it- I just stopped. Because I could.

Anyway all the anxiety factors out of the way, I actually enjoyed myself quite a bit. My only regret was not stopping and treating myself to a glass of wine when I was finished. And I even think that if I can squeeze some time in in a few weeks I may do it again but next time have that glass of wine.

What would be really nice though is if someone could just drop a whole of cash in my lap though. That would make it even more fun.

Judgment days

2011-11-12T23:26:00.003-05:00

“Make no judgements where you have no compassion.”
― Anne McCaffery

I was driving today and flipping the radio and caught part of some radio show. And the guy talking was saying that we tend to judge ourselves by our intentions but judge others for their behavior.

I suppose this is sort of true, but I've found that even if someone does something I don't like, if I know why they did it and I know they meant well, then I tend to "forgive" them.

My grandson told me yesterday that the librarian at school had yelled at him for throwing a book up in the air. He told me that she said he'd done it twice but really he'd only done it once.

He then asked me not to tell his mom or dad. He seemed much afraid of them judging him to be a bad boy. He even said "I'm not bad. We were playing.".

I told him "of course you're not bad, you just did something you shouldn't have. Don't do it again ok?"

I thought his confession to me was a little sweet. I'm glad he trusts me not to judge him enough to confide in me. I think he is like all kids in that he instinctively worries about his parents' judgment but trusts his grandma to love him no matter what.

And I was just wondering if my own children ever felt much fear about what I would think of them. I suppose they did but they never really had much to fear from me I guess. I never once actually ever thought of them as bad. Sure sometimes I wasn't happy with them but i always knew they were good and well-intentioned people.

What must it be like to be a little child and you have parents who really don't believe in your goodness? Horribly sad I think.

I mean even as an adult it pains me to have people misunderstand my intentions and judge me solely on their perception of me or the result of an action that didn't turn out as intended.

Anyway. I think if you must judge someone, compassion should rule the day. And if you must judge a person's behavior, it's also a good thing to understand the intent or the reason.

"ok". He said.

weighing in

2011-11-11T19:42:00.002-05:00

awhile back, i talked about how i don't pay all that much attention to what i eat. and i have never paid that much attention to how much i weigh either, but this summer when i was finally feeling decent again, i sort of realized that i'd put on some pounds. and despite this goofy doc i have who thought my weight was fine- i resolved to keep better "pick up" foods on hand and to be more diligent about daily exercising.

so i keep things like edamame and apples and celery and granola and yogurt on hand instead of chips and such. i switched my bread to whole wheat. went to low fat cottage cheese. that kind of thing. i still eat whatever the heck i want when i'm out- but at home, there's generally nothing but healthy to choose from.

and then there's my wii fit. i spend at least a half hour at it everyday, but most of the time a full hour. doing yoga and strength exercises and aerobics and such.

and i gotta tell you, i'm fairly fit right now. when i'm not sick, i feel pretty great. i'm back to the weight i was before my thyroid went all wacky and such and i got all sick. and to almost the weight i was before my friends and some of my family went on their campaign to make sure i ate and ate too much after my heart was broken and they were afraid i'd starve to death.

and now things that fit much too tightly last year, hang loose on me this year.

and just in general- i feel darn good and i think i look decent as well. for an old broad.

but today when i did my wii exercises, the healthy hint was about bmi. body mass index.

and according to my wii, not only am i 20 pounds underweight, my bmi is down 4 and a half points from where it says is healthy for me.

which didn't really bother me until the hint of the evening. which was that i should get my bmi up those points because that is the point where my body is resistant to illnesses.

but here's the thing. that's the bmi i had when i started my "health routine." so does it make sense to put weight back on if now i'm eating healthy and exercising regularly? and really, i have to say- i really look better now than i did for some time.

because to get the bmi up- i'd have to put on more muscle. and quite honestly, i just do not have more time in my day to exercise anymore. nor do i think that much exercise is good for a person. i'm sorry all you marathon/triathalon people, i think in your quest to prove your fitness and awesomeness, you're actually torturing your poor body.

so i think i'll just dismiss all that good japanese advice and keep up my routine as it is. bmi bedamned.

bummer

2011-11-09T22:05:00.003-05:00

sometime this afternoon, the weather took a turn from the mild to the crazy. as in blustery and dropping about 20 degrees. my recycling bin blew away even. thankfully, some kind neighbor returned it to my doorstep- because i'm fairly certain "they" come and kill you if you lose one of those.

but to go on, i had several plants out on the back patio and it occurred to me that i should go fetch them in as well.

so i was doing that and i was looking at the crazy dark sky. and i thought "wow, it looks like it could snow" and then i thought "oh i bet it's great here in the winter" pretty and all that looking out the window at the snow.

and suddenly i realized that i am not probably going to be here during any snowy days. and i'm also going to be really sad about something. i realized that i would not be able to ice skate on the pond behind my house as i anticipated taht i'd be able to do this year.

seriously, i was looking forward to that. how cool would it be to be able to lace up your skates on your back porch and walk a few feet and skate away? i could almost hear the charlie brown christmas special music playing. and i had been thinking about making a little fire in the firepit thing to come warm up when i wanted a break and having hot chocolate or maybe irish coffee at the ready when i came in. and it was going to be delightful

but unless it gets EXTREMELY cold soon and the pond flashfreezes- i'm going to miss my private home winterwonderland. bummer.

exhaustion

2011-11-08T22:07:00.002-05:00

i have some.

i've not had two sticks of free time since last friday night. i haven't been to bed before 1 and sleeping in hasn't happened either.

and i'm tired.

and it would be one thing if the cause was something related to fun. but most all of it has been related to working.

and it's not that i don't like working. or even that i'm not used to it really, but i gotta say- tonight i am just plain tired.

and that got me to thinking about my father. and thinking about how really extraordinary he was. how much he worked.

and then i started thinking- why? why did he care so very much? to work himself past the point of exhaustion almost everyday- day in and day out? seriously, a lesser man (or let's say woman in this case) would have been done in by my age let alone work beyond full time until he died at the age of 78.

i guess it was just the way he was wired mixed up with the way he was raised. he truly cared. and felt true responsibility about his profession, about his business, about his community, about people. about supporting his family. and he was the definition of integrity. he never quit. he never did anything half-assed. he never gave up when things were hard or he was tired or in pain or sick. it just wasn't in him to do that ever.

on sunday i sold a bunch of my books to a half-price re-sale bookstore. and as the guy went through my books, he handed me back various things that were stuck between pages. sigh- one book had some rose petals. he asked if i wanted them. and before i thought, i said "no, toss them, they have no meaning anymore. in fact they have worse than no meaning- they remind me of someone with no ..... " and i stopped before i finished the sentence. i felt a bit silly starting to bare my soul to a bookstore clerk about how bitter i feel about this person now. about how in my mind he's the polar opposite of my father.

and i sort of smiled in embarrassment

the guy simply answered "i understand." and he threw the petals away. and he resumed turning through the books and he pulled out a wrinkled old pink message slip. and he says "toss this too?" and i said "NO! i want that!"

he seemed surprised but didn't say anything and handed it to me. i didn't bother to explain to him why i was suddenly so emphatic about keeping what looked like trash next to "keepsake" rose petals. i said "thanks" and just stashed it in the pocket of my jeans.

the reason i was emphatic about keeping it- was because i recognized my father's atrocious handwriting on it. and there was something about seeing it - that made me feel like he's still here in a way- in a way that even looking at a picture of him never does. i guess because handwriting comes from within a person or something. a picture is just the shell of a person- the outside. handwriting is from within and tells a tale of what makes a person that specific person.

later on sunday night before i went to bed- i got that paper out. to see what was written on it. and it was "nothing" really. on the one side a note about what the caller wanted and on the back a list of stories for a friday paper and a list of stories for a saturday paper. some numbers. some odd notes and names. written all scattered in different directions.

nothing "personal" to me.

except for that it is personal to me. because the date on it is about a year before he died. and you can see the plain and simple integrity in it- because- he was even probably sick at that time, in fact, if i remember correctly- he'd not been out of the hospital for two very long before this date on the message slip. and yet the paper was chock full of getting on with his job and getting things done and planned out and details that are probably non-important to the world now- but he cared about them immensely at the time- enough to write them down. to make sure they were done.

and thinking about his dedication and his determination to put his all into everything even when he was sick and tired- well- it makes me feel a bit lame next to him. i don't even have the right to call what i'm feeling right now exhaustion at all.

is that you baby....

2011-11-05T21:46:00.002-04:00

or just a brilliant disguise?

it is ironic that i heard this song the other day. and was thinking when i heard it that it was a truly brilliant song even while i am a reluctant bruce springsteen fan.

but the point is not my love/hate affair with bruce- the point is that there are some of us who wear disguises every day. to the point where we don't even know if it's all an act or not. and we get so good at it, we don't even know we are doing it.

on almost every teaching evaluation i ever had, the word genuine appears. as in "your genuine love of your students shines through..."

and that is true. with them. i am at home and genuine. i do legitmately feel it when i'm with students. i'm genuine. i'm sincere. i'm me.

but i gotta tell you. the rest of me is mostly a fake. in most other situations, i just try to do what i know is socially appropriate. but i don't really feel it.

i laugh because i know i'm supposed to- even while i don't think it's funny. i say "oh i'm so sorry" when i hear some is sad- even while i don't really care one way or another.

my motto is pretty much "fake it to fit in."

why is all this on my mind? well tonight i was an actress. i got asked to participate in a murder mystery dinner. i was cast as one of the suspects. and well, i don't mean to brag- but i think i was pretty good.

people came up to me and said "wow- you were amazing!" and "i had no idea you could act, you were awesome!" and "acting xxxxx, that's your next career!"

a few people asked "weren't you nervous?" and i lied and said i was.

but truth was- i was not.

and i was thinking about that. why i wasn't nervous. i think most people are on stage- but i really wasn't.

and it occured to me that it's because all day long almost every day- i put on an act. the truth is i'm used to it. i do it everyday and most minutes of my life. so what's to be nervous about?

anyway, as bruce sings "is that you baby or just a brilliant diguise?"

an evening at home

2011-11-04T22:10:00.002-04:00

often i'm sad and lonely when i have to spend a weekend evening at home. i think of how everyone else in the world has a life of some kind and i don't. and i feel all "aloner" in the world.

but it's been a busy week with two evenings working on a grant with some co-workers, a dinner out and then another evening at a play practice. and also- it's now official- in a month's time- i'll be homeless.

well, no i won't actually be homeless- i have a place to stay until i decide what/where i'm going to go. but i won't be living alone for awhile.

i guess even as much as i hate being on my own in the world- i also rather relish my alone time too. and i've genuinely enjoyed living here in this cozy little house and coming home reading the paper while i eat dinner, doing my wii exercises, and then settling down to do work or talk on the phone or bang around on the computer or sometimes watch a bit of tv.

i guess i wonder a little if it will seem strange living with people again. if i'll feel crowded or something. and as my days of living alone for awhile get more limited- it feels nice to spend the evening in. even if it is a weekend and everyone else belongs somewhere with someone and is doing something- tonight it's just nice to be lazing around in my sweats doing nothing with no one.

oh wow

2011-11-01T21:52:00.003-04:00

so i just read this article about the eulogy that steve jobs sister gave. in it, she shared that his last words were "oh wow. oh wow. oh wow."

now i'm assuming that if she felt the wish to share this that the intonation was one of excitement or enthrallment not panic or dismay.

so you gotta wonder what that was all about. i'm sure the religious among the 7 billion of us in the world would say this was an indication of mr. jobs' view of some wonderful afterlife.

someone else told me that she'd read that jobs was uncertain about the existence of a god. but that it also didn't seem to appeal to him that when you died there was just nothing,,, like a turned off light switch. one day on. next moment- off.

i've been present at the deaths of a few people in this world. and of course heard stories from other people about being with loved ones at their deaths. but i don't believe i've ever heard of anyone uttering "oh wow" before. and i've never heard of any of them saying something like "hi jesus, so that's what you look like!" or "grandma! so great to see you- did you bake any cookies when you heard i was coming?"

so i don't know.

all i know is that i don't really find the idea of an afterlife comforting. i'd really much rather that there be a big nothing at all. i might feel differently if there were anyone i wanted to spend eternity with that i'd get to spend eternity with. as in a great love in the world. but i don't have that.

and of the people i've loved that have died. i'm not even really sure what i'd say to any of them at this point. i guess the first thing i'd ask them if it weren't already revealed to me is "what the hell was that life thing all about anyway? what the hell was the point? because here i am all dead and stuff after all that life stuff and i apparently missed the whole point."

so maybe old steve was reacting to someone telling him the point of it all. and maybe he was reacting to that. as in "oh wow, i'd have never guessed that in a billion years."

or maybe st. peter was playing angry birds on an iphone.

who knows?

fingers crossed!

2011-10-31T22:29:00.002-04:00

it seems we might have the house sold! if so, YIPEEEEEE!!!!

we have a verbal confirmation and i guess the deal signing will be later this week!

just think! with any luck- i could be homeless by the holidays!!!!! AND something close to solvent to boot!!!

true- i'll have nothing. but hey! what do i need?

it's like the greatest weight has just been lifted right off of my shoulders!!!! i'll be carefree!!! footloose!

yes, eventually, i'll need to find a place to live but oh my- to be responsible for nothing but the very basics in this world??? it's a priceless feeling!!!!

cats and dogs

2011-10-30T18:58:00.002-04:00

no i am not an animal hater. cruelty and abuse to animals makes me sick.

i've had a number of cats and dogs over the years that i've loved.

but neither am i an animal lover. i don't have any trouble turning down the frequent requests i get to take a kitten or a puppy that somebody else doesn't want. i have no wish to become a spinster with a cat to keep me company. in fact that's one of my frequent nightmares- that i'll become one of those cat ladies. or even a dog lady. those people freak me out and i don't want to be one.

i also do not think it's a tragedy when stray dogs or cats have to be put down. i prefer that to them living in neglectful circumstances or abuse. i kinda had to agree that shooting the wild animals that the suicidal guy let loose on the streets of ohio had to be done. i didn't lose any sleep over it. in fact, i figured they were better off being out of their captive neglect situation. i don't really care other than that they not suffer, i don't guess. the world still spins.

and i also would not spend thousands on cancer treatments for a pooch.

so i guess you can't say i'm an animal lover at all.

that said- when i accidentally ran over our cat, i did spend thousands i did not have on an attempt to save her. but that might have been the guilt talking. rather than some kind of thought that animals are people

or it might have been the desperation. it was at a time in my life when i did not think i could take another part of my life being lost to me.

in fact the whole reason i ran over the cat to begin with was because i was frantic that something had happened to my son. and so began the unfortunate series of events that led to me running over the cat. but i certainly am glad that in the end it was the cat i lost and not the son.

the loss of the cat, i ultimately survived. the loss of my son, i don't think i ever could. that's how much animals don't mean to me in the end.

but ok- this afternoon i was looking out my back window and the dog that lives next door was being visited on the other side of his fence by the dog that lives across the pond who occassionally escapes captivity.

and it was interesting to me, because they were playing. they were pushing a ball between the fence back and forth to each other. and between each push there was much jumping and wagging of tails. and if dogs could be thought to smile- it appeared to me that they were smiling.

and i have to say that's amused me for the better part of the day.

and it's got me to thinking- what are animals anyway? are they meat? are they junior people? are they something better than people? are they something worse than people? do they secretly laugh at us? do they secretly hate us? do they wish they were us?

i'm not sure whether i like dogs better than cats or cats better than dogs. i like cats because you don't have to tend to them too much. they are more independent and i think they are kinda selfish.

dogs on the other hand seem unselfish. and loyal. they seem to want you to like them most of the time. and most dogs seem to like me and want my attention if i walk into a room. but on the other hand, while they are better company- they seem less willing to tend to themselves on a day to day basis. they're more of a bother.

so i don't know. i was amused recently when a friend told me his cat went missing. i said i was sorry. he said it was ok really because he didn't really miss it much and that he thought it had been eaten by something. i was surprised at his lack of concern. because he used to talk about how much he liked the cat. he told me that he had gotten over that- that it had become a nusiance to him so he was just as glad it was gone.

and i got to thinking abuot that too. and i thought- the whole trouble with dogs and cats in my eyes is that i do like them. and if one that i care about goes missing or gets eaten or run over by a semi- or my own vehicle- it makes me sad.

and it occurs to me that over my terror of becoming a cat lady, what the problem is why i really don't want an animal ever again- is that i don't want to lose one. i'm sad adverse. i'm risk adverse. i don't want to lose anyone or anything i care about- ever again- even if it is just an animal. whatever the heck they are.

going to be the last one standing...

2011-10-28T22:18:00.003-04:00

i've just spent quite the exciting evening. with my grandson.

let's see. we made cupcakes. then we carved a pumpkin. set it outside with a candle and oohed and ahheed over it's scariness. next we drank apple cider. and ate pretzels.

we iced our cupcakes. we each ate one.

then we danced to songs he picked out from youtube. and of those songs we must have sung and danced to the song "dynamite" at least 25 times.

"we're going to rock this club, we're going to go all night, we're gonna light it up like it's dyn-o-mite. cuz i told you once, now i told you twice, we're gonna light it up like it's dynomite....... i put my hands up in the air sometimes singing hey oh, gonna let go....."

fun lyrics and tune to twirl and run and body slam into the sofa by. but the favorite part was when the lyrics "gonna be the last one standing.." were sung- i had to make sure i was sitting, so he could be the last one standing. which we hadn't planned to choreograph- but on maybe the 5th time around playing the song- it happened by chance and my grandson catching the humor in it when it happened- insisted upon all the other 20 times.

because well. when something's good, it's good.

then finally we moved on to another song. and heaven help me it was some justin beiber song. and while twirling the 6 year old around to the tune, his head struck my knee.

ouch. so then we got out the sponge bob ice pack until all was well again.

then we settled down on the sofa for another cupcake, some popcorn and some more cider and started watching "chopkick panda" about a fat panda's search for self respect and an amulet.

we paused midway to go to the bathroom and brush our teeth. we resumed our asian drama and now one of us is sound asleep.

ha. guess i'm the last one standing tonight.

average below it.

2011-10-26T21:35:00.003-04:00

i read that the average person laughs 13 times a day.

hmmm. so much for being average. i don't think i laugh near that much.

although i did have a fairly nice day today. so let me think. how many times did i laugh today? and what did i laugh about?

i laughed today when i ate lunch with some friends and one of them got up and demonstrated the hustle. i thought that was kinda funny.

i laughed at jack donaghy dressed as the gordon's fisherman on an episode of 30 rock.

i laughed when a co-worker while taking me to find someone in a school told another co-worker who stopped him and asked him where he was going- that he was helping the elderly.

i laughed at a picture that a student drew that he entitled "bacon lord." it was a pic of a piece of bacon dressed like a king (crown and robe) standing in front of a castle holding a sceptor.

and that's all i can think of. 4. i laughed 4 times.

so it's true. i'm way below average.

i am pleased

2011-10-25T22:13:00.002-04:00

to announce that suddenly at 2:55 this afternoon while i was sitting at an inservice learning about technology for people with low vision, i felt better!

my sore throat was gone, i wasn't coughing. my nose wasn't stuffy or running. i wasn't exhausted. no headache. no flippy floppy stomach.

i felt fine. and all of the sudden i realized it.

yes. that's big news. because well, i've felt like the bottom of someone's shoe for over a week now.

so how boring is your life- when you're thrilled simply becaues you don't feel like crap?

well whatever- i am pleased.

and well ok. my voice still isn't quite right yet. but i'm pleased enough.

more waiting

2011-10-24T20:23:00.002-04:00

sigh. their offer was too low. so we countered. now we wait again.

and as you know- i hate waiting.

so in the meantime what shall we talk about?

the death of gaddafi? the earthquake in turkey?

or how about obama's unvailing of his big plans in las vegas?

the colts' terrible worse than losing loss to the saints?

msu's big win?

the sick joke that is the republican party?

how about occupy wallstreet?

other than those things i don't really know what's going on in the world. i've been sort of out of it for about 5 days.

anyway, pick your topic and we'll talk.

maybe that will pass the time.

crazy amish?

2011-10-23T15:30:00.003-04:00

my good friend xxxxx is the mother of a mentally ill adult child.

and as much as i feel for her- i believe strongly that when she doesn't make him live with and be responsible for his actions, she is doing him no favors at all. she always makes excuses and concessions for him and it's breaking her up both financially and emotionally.

there's no point in telling her this. her husband (not the kid's father) has tried valiantly. he's tired of seeing her almost kill herself and almost ruin themselves financially for the kid's sake. and he's tired of the kid always choosing the wrong actions anyway and landing in more trouble. and he's tired of the toll this takes on his wife, her job, and their marriage.

and the kid gets no better. the only relief they have is when the kid (because all her efforts to keep him out have failed) is in jail. but then- as soon as he's out, she sets him up with a new place to live and job interviews.

and the husband gently tries to reason with her. but she can't let go. and let chips fall.

he's even taken her to counselors who tell her the same exact things as he does- but she can't let go.

now i do understand. there is this natural propensity in a mother to want to cushion, protect, and excuse her baby. no one wants to see their child locked up whether it be in a residental facility or a jail. especially when you realize the kid sometimes can't help it.

BUT- you can't let one child usurp the whole family like this child has done. and you can't completely support and also make exceptions for and excuses for a kid like this- forever and ever. not unless you're rich. and of course most of us aren't.

so then i started thinking about the one population of people that i know who ALWAYS and with no state or federal assistance and with few riches always take care of their own incapacitated adult children. that would be the amish. but then it occurs to me that i've known a whole community of amish people through my work and i've known many many of their children who have been either physically or cognitively incapacitated, but i actually have never known or even heard of a single one of the amish (adult or child) to be mentally ill. (no psychoses, no bipolar issues, no schizophrenia etc) and i would bet you money that if i looked through all of our cooperative's files there would be NO amish among the emotionally disturbed cases.

not a single one. not a SINGLE one. there are no mentally ill among them that i know of. not even mildly emotionally disturbed. yes,there are alcoholics and there are gamblers and there are adulterers (these people aren't perfect) and yes, there is an occasional suicide. BUT honest to pete, i don't know of any of them that are mentally ill. there are no crazy uncle alan's locked up in the closets. there are no unhinged ones with guns that walk into their schools and try to blow everyone's innocence away. there is nobody of able body who can work, not working and contributing towards the family.

and i wonder why that is? Is mental illness not in their genes? or do they do the things in their family lives that turn those genes off? because the amish, are very strict with their children about what is and isn't acceptable behavior and there are consequences given. it is a "spare the rod and spoil the child" society. (although i have to say the rod is not wielded often in most of their families. they just make it very clear that it will be if warranted.)

anyway, it occurs to me that someone should study this. find out if my perception of the amish is actually true. and then if it is, they should figure out why. because it would seem to me a pretty significant thing for us english to find out.

"the waiting is the hardest part"

2011-10-22T18:55:00.002-04:00

i have always loved tom petty. so i do like this song.

i do not however, like waiting. and as much as i like ketchup- anticipation.

see, here's my life. everything i've ever hoped for and waited for never turns out as i dreamed. but that "wait" part gets me everytime. the part where just a teensy, tiny, itty-bitty little bit of hope comes in. that i can dash down. that i can't squash like a bug. to keep it from crawling on me.

because EVERYTIME it does, then my dreams get squashed.

and so on a routine basis, i block hope right out of my life. but sometimes i can't help it.

you maybe incredulous that nothing has ever worked out for me. and well ok, there have been somethings. but nothing major.

and there's a part of me that thinks "hey, since i can never have the major things that i want, then couldn't i at least have all the other stuff that makes life good?"

so here's what i'm waiting for- we had a house viewing today and the people seemed to like the house. but they were of the really religious sort and so they said they needed to go home and pray about it before they could put an offer in.

and due respect to people who have this importance in their lives, but i'm on pins and needles here while they wait for their sign.

because what could happen if their maker gives them the "go" light? well, then my son can buy my house and with the difference between what i owe and what i've paid, i'll have enough left over to pay off a good chunk of student loan debt for my children.

and THEN i'll be able to live cheaper. and then it won't be such a tremendous gamble for me to retire. i can live cheap and have a meaningless job that doesn't suck the life out of me. a world of weight off my shoulders.

and so here i am. waiting for the prayers of some complete strangers to be answered by the god they believe in so that i can have a different, better life.

and the waiting... is the hardest part. i just wish some thunderbolt would hurry up and smite my dreams, so i could be done with this part.

the nice thing

2011-10-21T20:47:00.002-04:00

the nice thing about being sick is that nobody expects much of you. i did go to work today. i probably shoudn't have but i had a conference and i had to finish an evaluation and i'd promised someone two weeks ago that i'd do something for her. and well, you know how it is- you think you can make it.

and i could. and did. but only because i only did those three things and one more and sent a few emails instead of the usual 50 or so things i do in a day. i only worked from 7:30 to 3 and called it a good day before coming home and collapsing.

and all day long, people kept saying "ah, you poor thing! you get some rest this weekend!"

and i was supposed to be at my brother's this weekend, but they didn't want my germs. and so i just bought myself two glorious days of doing practically nothing.

well ok. tomorrow i have to vacate the premises for an hour or so for the house to be shown. but i think i can handle that. and then i can go back to doing nothing at all. and no one will expect me to do any more than that. cuz i'm sick. and that's really nice.

it's starting to make me feel better.

the sin of being sick

2011-10-20T16:27:00.002-04:00

when i was a little girl, i used to have this issue whenever my family would go out for dinner. somewhere between ordering the food and it's arrival, my stomach would do flip flops and i would become nauseous. and then when the food would get there, it would be repulsive to me. and i would only eat it if forced and then i was miserable.

my mother in particular seemed to have no sympathy for this phenomenon. and she would become visibly irritated with me. that always compounded how sick i felt because when you're little, your parent's irritation with you is enough to make you sick all by itself.

so this scenario continued, my mother almost always telling me she was convinced that i was ruining our nice night out on purpose, until one time when i about 9 my grandmother happened to be with us. and when my mother inevitably started to complain about my unreasonable behavior, she said "you know, i used to feel exactly like that. it used to help me if i'd eat something light before we went out."

and then "voila" my mother suddenly seemed to realize that i wasn't just being a junior ass- that i actually was physically uncomfortable. and then sympathy and crackers appeared before any dinner out.

but the thing that sticks out for me with this- is that my mother would not believe me that i was feeling sick before my grandmother spoke up and told her it was real.

and it occurs to me that my mother also never had much sympathy for me when i indicated to her that i might have the flu or a cold or a stomach upset. i always felt like she thought i was purposely making myself sick to ruin her day or something.

now that is not to say that once she believed i was sick (proof being a bucket full of vomit or a fever over a hundred) that she wasn't kind to me. and didn't take care of me. in fact, once she believed me- she was very caring. reading me stories, bringing me soup and 7 up and pillows and towels etc.

but convincing her i was sick enough to warrant some kind of consideration, well that was another story. and convincing her that i was sick enough that she might have to alter her day was another story indeed.

and it always made me feel a bit sick about getting sick. like it was some kind of weakness or something. tough people don't feel sick or get sick. that's all there was to it.

and i still feel that way as an adult. i feel that you are not ever supposed to get sick- as i am today. and it utterly surprises me when people say things such as "what can i get you?" or "you need to stay home from work." or "aw, i'm sorry, no problem, we'll reschedule our meeting." or "oh, i didn't know you were sick, don't worry about it, i'll take care of it."

because the first thing i expect to hear from them on telling them that i feel sick or am sick is "you're fine, suck it up." as if being sick were an unheard of phenomenon or even a sin when actually it's just a mere human condition.

and it's certainly not something that you create on purpose just to ruin someone else's day. and unless you're a jerk or something- it's not something you invent to get sympathy or excused from something.

but even while intellectually i know this about being sick- that it's ok to be sick- tomorrow mornning i'll probably go through the same agony as today of having to admit to myself that i'm too ill to go to work and then reluctantly calling people to tell them i won't be there. and more than half expecting them to be terse with me about it. and i'll feel twice as sick because of my expectations of their reactions.

and then i'll again marvel that their reactions will actually be kind. and they'll say things like "hope you feel better soon." and mean them. i'll marvel that they won't treat me like a big sinner. it will be wierd.

chivers

2011-10-19T19:38:00.002-04:00

you know how sometimes when you're getting sick, instead of being fevery, you have chills?

well i know. and i call them the chivers.

i have the chivers. i have on long underwear, sweats, a tee shirt, a sweatshirt, socks, sock slippers, and a soft fuzzy bathrobe. and i'm curled up under a blanket.

and i'm chilled and shivering.

my sore throat of last night is gone, but my sniffles are still here and i can feel my chest getting congested. on top of that, i have absolutely no voice.

i had a voice all day. then this afternoon while i was reading test questions to a student with visual impairments, my voice started to crack. my student says "you're getting a little squeaky." then by the end of the test, my voice was reduced to a whisper. by the time i took him back to his classroom, there was just nothing.

i open my mouth. nothing. a big fat nothing.

so i'm a disaster. all curled up on my sofa, my kleenex box and my glass of water in arms reach, with the chivers.

and now my right foot has a cramp in it. would that be the crivers?

i'm sure.

2011-10-18T22:59:00.002-04:00

i'm fairly sure that i had something in mind that i wanted to write about tonight. i remember thinking much earlier in the day- "can't wait til i get a chance to write."

but i'll be damned now if i remember what it was. of course, i'm damned anyway. but you know what i mean.

i have had an awfully busy day today. and it did start fairly early. and as usual it was an eclectic mess of crazy things. and i do have a pretty nasty sore throat and stuffy nose.

i don't suppose any of those things contribute to a healthy reliable memory.

but they do fill up a few sentences- in a blog that was supposed to be about something else- that surely was much more interesting than this.

good night.

immaterial girl

2011-10-15T21:30:00.002-04:00

incorporeal - unimportant - inessential - insignificant

those are synonyms for immaterial.

and that's funny. because while all these words are true about me (well maybe not incorporeal) that wasn't what i was thinking of.

what i was thinking about was the importance or unimportance of stuff in my life. because while i really really love this house i'm living in- we got a phone call tonight saying there was some interest in it- and i was thrilled! to think about losing my new house.

and that got me thinking about what things i really care about. and yes there are a few things around here that have meaning to me- but it's really amazed me that of all the things i packed in boxes from the old house- that are in storage- i haven't missed any of them really. i've really ceased to care about them completely.

so i really think at this point i could reduce the things i'd care about losing to my computer, my wii and wii fit, and my phone. other than that about all i'd need is a pair of blue jeans, a couple tee shirts, a sweater, a pair of boots, some sandals, a dress, a pair of heels, and a coat. and yeah, well sure, i'd like a bed to sleep in and a towel, a fresh toothbrush and some shampoo and soap. oh yeah and my car.

but there isn't really any thing i'd have that i'd cry about if i lost. nothing much really is material to me.

i'm the anti-madonna. the immaterial girl.

the impossible

2011-10-12T21:00:00.005-04:00

reason with the unreasonable-

don't try to do that. ever.

it can't be done.

"why?" you ask.

BECAUSE IT CAN'T BE DONE.

and you'll just end up wanting to tear your hair out.

all the other kids

2011-10-11T23:19:00.005-04:00

have you heard this song? "pumped up kicks" by foster the people?

one day i'm driving down the street and i suddenly realize there's this catchy little tune on the radio. and the chorus is "all the other kids with their pumped up" and i can't understand the next word. and what's more i can't understand the rest of the lyrics except "you better run."

and i'm trying to imagine out what the song's about. but damn my hearing- i can't figure it out. i hear the song about 5 more times in the next two days. and i still like the catchy little tune- but i still can't figure out what the words are.

so then i'm with a friend who is younger and she has kids and i'm thinking she'll know. so i ask her about it and she's never heard of it. i tell her she's as unhip as me, the old lady.

so since my youthful friend didn't know- i decide to google it. and the next word in the line is "kicks" as in shoes and the song is actually about school shootings.

and i'm sure that "foster the people" is not the first group or composer who has taken a sad theme and set it to "happy" music. and there are probably songs that take the opposite approach- setting happy themes to "sad" music.

but even if it's an "old trick"- i rather like it. i rather like the oddness of it. and i think it makes the meaning of the lyrics even more effective. to juxtapose the horror of an outcast loner seeking revenge on the world for the alienation that he feels against the seeming happiness of the rest of the world. it's clever, i think. or maybe striking is a better word for it. whatever it is- it's not the same old. and i like that.

and well, if you think about it- you really just kind of have to like the name of the group too. "foster the people" i have no idea what's behind the name but you have to like the word play of it. at least i do.

huh. maybe that's what i'll do for my next career- become a lyrics writer.

eating to live or living to eat

2011-10-07T22:07:00.002-04:00

this post is not really the weighing of the importance of food in my life. while i like food, you could safely say that i lean toward the eating to live side. in that i'll forget to eat, if i'm busy and all that.

what this post is about is a variation of that though. and i was thinking of it today while i was driving home from out of town where i was learning new skills for the job that i'm about to ditch.

i was thinking about how i still really do love keeping up in my field. i find it intersting and stimulating and i can't wait to go in monday to apply what i've learned to see if it helps the students i watch over. but then i got to thinking that this may be the last that i'll do such a thing. depending on what i end up doing to keep a roof over my head.

and see what i couldn't decide upon when i was thinking about my job after retirement from this one- is whether or not to apply for things that are intrinsically meaningful to me or whether to just get a job that brings home some bacon.

i've been lucky in life in that i've always worked in a field and had a job that was (at least in my eyes) socially relevant, humanly important, and worthwhile. i've always felt that i was a contributor to the good of society- just by showing up and doing my job. i've always felt that i literally "gave at the office."

and i'm not going to lie, as rewarding as it's been in that way- it's also taken quite a toll on me, because i take it so seriously. it's chipped away at my heart and soul for a long time. i literally have sometimes put blood, sweat, and tears into it. because i have always really thought it was important work.

and it occurs to me that i wouldn't have wanted any other kind of job for most of my life. i could never have stood it all these years if i wouldn't have had a "meaningful" (to me) job. i'd have had no heart for business, or public relations, or retail, or marketing. or any such thing that makes my blood run cold.

but now? you know what? i'm really thinking that i'd like a job where the weight of the world doesn't come home with me every night and weekend and sit on my chest. i'd kinda like a job that means nothing in this world and i feel no hyper-sense of responsibility. it even sounds fun to me to hand cheeseburgers through a drive-thru window or clean houses for rich spoiled people. something i'd care not one bit about beyond doing my best while i was there.

but here's the worry. what if after awhile- that gets old. what if i'm not suited to doing things that are trivial? what if i can't just work to live. what if i'm more of a live to work kind of person?

i guess the only way to settle it- is to try the unknown and unimportant for a bit. and if i don't like being worthless, i can always jump back into something more purposeful.

oh to be rich and not have to worry about such things as the meaning of your work. you can just sit back, putter around the house then go out to dinner and do nothingl at all for a living. and if you start to worry that you're not contributing to society you can throw some dog some money. ah. that would be the life.

not working to live or living to work. but just living to live.

the giver-upper

2011-10-06T23:37:00.003-04:00

"Age wrinkles the body. Quitting wrinkles the soul." douglas mcarthur

so you know. i am quitting. after 34 years working for the same employer in the same field, at the end of this school year, i'm sticking a fork in it. (in this job- i'll still have to work unless i decide to live roofless & foodless.)

and quite a few of the people i work with have made me feel quite valued. among the comments are "i really have no idea what i'll do without you." and "our boss has NO idea of how valuable you are or she wouldn't let you go." "you can't quit-we NEED you!" and "please don't go. please please don't go." not a week has gone by since i announced my retirement that someone hasn't made some comment about how much i'll be missed.

the most flatterig are the compliments that haven't been said to my face- but told to me later by someone else. i mean it's one thing to be complimentary to someone in person, but when you sing their praises when they are not around- that's really something.

so yeah. i'm really really and very flatterd. and i'm also really proud that i've been a stick to it kind of person. i mean really- it's rare anymore for people to stick with something for a year or two, let alone that long.

but on the other hand, i also feel a bit strange about quitting and about myself for quitting. i've never been a big fan of people (and or companies) that don't stay with things. there's something i like about the person who is loyal and can always be counted on to see something through and to follow through. i'm not a big fan of the people that company hop for the best personal opportunity. that's just me i guess. so few people in the world think that way, i know. it just always seems to me it's always about personal needs and personal advancement. and i guess i just don't like that kind of world. where everyone jumps ship at the first sign of trouble or chases some goofy rainbow.

and so, for me- even though i've given this career a really good run- i feel like a quitter in some ways too. i mean part of the reason i'm quitting is because i hate what the educational world is turning into- it offends my sensibilities- but the other side of me thinks "but now is when kids will need you more than ever."

and a large part of why i'm quitting is because i think my boss has completely wrong priorities and she won't listen to anyone and she doesn't value things that i think she should. but hey- 2 other bosses in my string of 10 bosses were way worse, so why am i being a no good quitter now? why don't i just "oulive" her like i've outlived everyone else?

i guess if i have to come up with something- i'd have to say it was a perfect storm of reasons to call it a day.

and all these wrinkly feelings are not to say that i'm not still completely sure i've made the right decision. my step has definitely been way lighter since i've gone and done it. and i am still to the point of giddy everytime i think about getting out. i'm even giddy through the worries of how i'm going to survive.

but i guess there's also a part of me that just doesn't like a quitter.

letting sleeping dogs lie

2011-10-05T22:46:00.003-04:00

do you think steve jobs' death qualifies as the something strange i was feeling was about to happen?

yeah. probably not. i mean the guy had pancreatic cancer. it was kind of expected that he'd die. probably what's odd about that is that he lived as long as he did. my experience with pancreatic cancer (and one of my best friends) was that it takes you quick. you can pretty much expect that if you're diagnosed.

at any rate, you do have to be a bit stalled today- thinking about what all steve jobs brought about in this world. i mean i was using the ipad that they gave me for work today and i absolutely marvel at the thing. the apps. wow. free voice dictation, free commmunication symbol programs, free math and reading games. puzzles, flashcards, games, music, video. everything you can think of you might ever need- right there in your hands. anyway- sad to lose such a genius. it really is.

but i don't know- if this was the odd thing i was sensing would happen, or not.

i'm more inclined to think it's another death that i learned of today that i might have sensed.

and don't laugh. i mean it. don't. but it was a dog.

it was the dog of one of my former students who died a few years back. and here's the thing- i didn't even like this particular dog. even while i like most dogs. except for chiuahuas and those greyhound spooky things. i think they are haunted. the greyhounds, not the chiuahuas. oh and i kinda hate poodles. on principle. but i digress.

i'm talking about my former student's dog. and i think he was part pitbull actually or maybe even full pitbull. and i didn't like him mostly because i was sort of scared of him. not because he was the public's perception of pitbulls, he wasn't that vicious looking really. he almost always looked to me like he was almost smiling. but because he was fiercely protective of this little girl confined to a motorized wheelchair. he LOVED her. and he viewed anyone and everyone- except her- with suspiscion and wouldn't let most people near her. however, she must have given him the sign that i was an ok person because he was friendly with me. but still i was quite wary of him. i knew he had the potential to be real mean. real real mean.

anyway, as it happened, a few days after my student died unexpectedly, my student's mother was for the first time since the death needing to go back and stay in the house they lived in and also that my student died in. and she (the mother) was a combination of afraid and heartbroken and she just didn't think she could stay there alone with her other two kids. so i told her i would stay over with her. and i bunked out on the sofa. and the pitbull who apparently was used to sleeping with the little girl- decided that i was the person he wanted to sleep with. not the mother and not one of her other two children. but me.

which i always thought was kinda odd. but perhaps he just associated me with her or something. because whenever i went there- i was there to see her. but i don't know. all i know is that this dog curled up on the sofa with me like we'd be sleeping partners for years. went right to sleep and didn't budge.

and i was afraid to move. at all. because i thought perhaps being startled from sleep, he might think "whoa, who the hell are you anyway?" and maul my face or something.

so i laid awake for a long time. kinda creeped out. then fell into one of the hardest sleeps i've ever had. and when the alarm went off- i woke up and i looked at the dog, who i swear hadn't moved an inch and said "ok, buddy, we have to get up now." and the dog looked right back at me and got up.

anyway, this dog. my sleeping buddy, who i really haven't seen or really even thought about for maybe a year or so- died today.

and my student's mother is very sad. because well, losing the dog is like losing another piece of her little girl.

and maybe that's the odd thing that i thought was going to happen. i don't know.

all i know is that this dog's death has evoked in me a ton of memories and feelings. that are not inconsequential to me and my life.

did you ever ever ever

2011-10-04T22:42:00.002-04:00

in your long legged life......

have a feeling that something oddly odd is about to happen?

why do i ask, you ask?

well two reasons- one is that i predicted something out of the blue that came true. nothing that makes any difference for me in the world, to be sure, but on the other hand it's just strange that i predicted it.

and so now i think i have special powers. ha ha.

but so- the other reason is that now i really have this terribly strange feeling that something really unusual is about to happen.

do i know what? no. but i just feel that something is.

do i know if it's good or bad? no, i do not know that either. but i just feel that something is about to happen.

i just wish i knew what. or at least have a clue whether it's a good thing or a bad thing.

guess i'll just have to wait and see. it would be nice if the psychic lady that emails me all the time asking me to buy a magic something or other was right- she keeps claiming that i will get lots of money come mid october. course she keeps insisting that for that to happen i have to buy her magic something or other.

she can keep dreaming about that happening.

but i'd certainly like to have lots of money come mid october. it's second on my list of things that i'd like to have happen to me come mid october. or anytime. it would solve a great many of my problems.

or maybe the house i'm living in will sell. and i'll be come homeless and out from under a mortgage and the chains to here. and OH some college loan debt paid off! that's 3rd on my list of things i'd like to see happen.

anyway, i'll keep my fingers crossed that if i'm right and something does change that it is something really good.

it would be nice to have something good happen. i'm due, i think.

35,000 miles

2011-10-03T23:05:00.003-04:00

so today i called and made an appointment for a scheduled service for my car.

and the guy asked my name and i told him and then he said "which car are you bringing in now?" (not that i have more than 1 car just sometimes i take my mother's in.)

and what do i say? i say "the red one."

i don't know why- it's just what came out. i'm kinda surprised actually that i didn't say "ruby." that's my car's name you know.

anyway- i think the guy might have fallen off his stool laughing at me. i know he's laughng when he says "well i kinda thought you might answer the model, but ok."

i answer "well you do service red cars, don't you?"

"yes mam, we do."

the unlovables.

2011-10-02T16:13:00.002-04:00

i mentioned last night that i'd been to a wedding. and then i went on and on about how my mother sometimes makes me crazy. but i didn't talk about the actual ceremony.

and i wanted to. because even while i don't care for many wedding sermons, i actually liked this one. what it was about was the committment factor. how when you vow to marry someone, what you are saying is "we belong to each other."

then the minister went on to talk about how we are all human and being human, we are just not always loveable. we just aren't. sometimes we're cranky or selfish or hellbent on our own way.

and marriage or even just family really is about loving people even when they are unloveable. you don't just throw them out with yesterday's newspaper or the trash, when they are unloveable. and he talked how love is a verb. not a noun. you love (and stick with) the people that you belong with- even when and especially when they are unloveable.

now here is the deal. i'm a divorced person. and i initiated the divorce. this is true. and you could say then that i ripped a marriage asunder and broke the vows. didn't love him when he was unloveable. so that could be real true. because i didn't stick with my husband. and i worried about this when i was divorcing. what kind of human being i was. and how i was breaking a vow i'd made. and i talked to a counselor about it even. about how i felt like a failure as a wife and a human being. and what the counselor pointed out to me was that a. i was human and b. i'd made a pretty valient attempt at sticking with my x and c. that it was actually him who broke the marriage vows- in that he turned his attention to other things besides me and beside our family. and so i couldn't really be expected to stick with that. especially as i was afraid of him at the time. and she said for us to stay together would only be possible if he would really try too. but he wasn't up for that and that was obvious to all even though not so clearly to me at the time.

then there were two other big times in my life that i thought when i heard this minister's wedding service.

one is that of a time between my son and i.shortly after my father died and when my grandson was an infant, we had a falling out. and i hate that time in my life to this day. because while there were somethings not under my control in that situation, i also know there are some things that i could have and should have handled differently. and sometimes i kick myself for not doing things differently. but if i think about it long enough- the one thing i'm proud of myself for and also proud of my son and daughter in law for- is that while it took sometime- we never gave up on the fact that we belonged together. as a family. we were all angry. we were all hurt. we were sometimes not speaking- but it is evident now by the relationship that we've rebuilt that none of us quit loving each other when we were unlovable.

the other situation that i was thinking of when i heard this minitster's marriage sermon was of the relationship i had with the man that i hoped and dreamed would be my husband. to say i loved this man- always seems like an understatement to me. i'd never felt that way about anyone in my entire life. i literally would have walked through fire for him. not only that i would have committed myself to a lifetime of walking through fire for him.

but here's what happened- at a time in my life when i was not loveable. for a lot of reasons- i was heavily greiving, i was physically unwell and i'd quit smoking and i was going through a major life change- he took one look at that - at me- and instead of loving me when i was unlovable- he became angry and walked. he threw me out like so much trash. and then took it one step farther- told me it was my fault. in fact told me i was evil. vile. despicable.

when i cried, he treated me with disdain. when i protested angrily he became cold and hard. when i tried to explain he told me i was making excuses for my behavior. when i tried to get help to intercede he called my friends sychophants and even one he called a twit. and finally and worst of all really was when he became indifferent to anything at all that i said.

and now i do wonder atsomething about all this. i wonder at my capacity to still love him through all of that. and in fact i still know to this day- that even while he didn't love me through my unloveableness- i did him through his.

i guess because i felt we belonged together. i really thought so.

and yes. i was wrong. and i was a fool. and my life after this fact was complete testimony to that. so it is.

and i have a friend or two that have ventured to ask me THE question. the question of my lifetime, i guess. and that question is "if he came back, would you forgive him and take him back?"

and while i always preface my answer to that question with "he's not coming back. he married someone else. ( not only just any someone else but a person by all accounts i've read of her is someone who i really coudln't see myself ever liking as a person) - i answer

to my friends' incredulousnes- that "yes, i'd forgive him. and i'd take him back. "

because here's the thing- while i find him completely unloveable right now- i do still love him. i just do. and the testimony to that is that even without me- i want him to be happy and also that i would forgive him. in the same way that my son has forgiven me and i have forgiven my son.

another detail about the wedding last night that i didn't mention when i posted yesterday was that at the hor de ourve table i suddently came face to face with my x's other x. and it was one of those sort of surreal moments. we both smiled and said "hello" and inquired of the other's health. and then we both high tailed it in other directions.

because i don't really care one way or antoher about her now- i don't like her but i don't dislike her. i'm nuetral about her. but i'm also uncomforatable around her because i know that she tried to blame me for some of their problems. she kept accusing my x of still being in love with me and his family of preferring me. but the real crux of the problem was that he started behaving towards here the way he did torwards me and that he started abusing substances for awhile again. and it came to a fever pitch (he told me later) when she started ranting at him about how he was treating her and he retorted back "you are alwasys accusing me of wanting xxxxx back, well it's no wonder, i put her through a million times more than i've ever put you through and she put up with it." to which she responded "well i don't have to."

and the crux of it is tho- i didn't really have to either- but i thought that's what love wsa supposed to be about. sticking through the unloveable parts.

and i guess i believe still that is so. ad so even while the words of the counselor are still remembered well by me- i also sometimes wince that i coudln't stick with a vow i'd made.

and i guess the only thing is- that IF i ever did marry again- i'd be certain and for sure that it would be someone who i could love even when they were unlovable. but moreover, if i ever have a real relationship again- i'd make certain that before i "fell" that i'd find out if they were the kind of person who could love me when i was unlovable too.

the reluctant complaining butterfly.

2011-10-01T21:40:00.003-04:00

ah. home sweet home.

i am happy to be here. tonight i had to go to a wedding. well ok. actually the wedding was this afternoon. but the reception this evening.

and because this was the daughter of a very close person in my father's life, i went with my mother.

and as you know- my mother- me = oil & vinegar.

again. do NOT get me wrong. i love my mother. i admire her even. i think she's a wonderful and accomplished person. but her ways are not mine. and my ways are not hers.

example: on leaving the wedding we see a girl of maybe 20 or so leaving the church with her family. and she's got on a dress that is cut at one shoulder and no wrap on. and what am i thinking? i'm thinking "wow, she's got to be freezing!" i mean it's barely 50 degrees. she's got to be cold as hell. and what is my mom thinking? and saying to me?

"her tatoos (across her back) make her look cheap."

another example: my mother's driving. i'm reading her directions to the reception hall. i tell her "next you turn right on xxxxx road." she proceeds to start to turn right on xxxxxxxx avenue. i say "not here, it says you need to turn on xxxxx road." annoyed with me, she says "what would YOU suggest i do?"

so in my most patient voice, i say " well i think maybe you should go up a little further and turn at xxxxxx road." she huffs impatiently at me but follows my direction. we get to xxxxxx road and she says "oh, well this is the way i always go to xxxx xxxxx."

me: "yes mom, this is the way."

and i know. part of it is she's getting older. and i'm a bit impatient with the woman who used to navigate without fear around chicago traffic and all department stores. and i should be and am awfully grateful that she's as together as she is- that she is still a safe driver and she is still ambulatory etc. that she wants to stay a part of the world.

but still and the same, i sometimes resent being her punching bag for when the world doesn't suit her. or she mixes something up. somehow it's always my fault. somehow.

but here's the thing that gets me most of all. that came to light tonight. -- i'm not an overly social person. you know that. i do love going out. i love getting dressed up. i love being complimented for how "wow, you look terrific- you look better than you ever have." i do love being with people and enjoy a nice party. i do love all that- but over that- i just want to blend in. i want to be there and enjoy, but i do not want have to work the room. i like to sit back. laugh at others' jokes. answer a question or two. smile. blend in. but that's it. i don't want to have to be "miss social."

it's not that i can't be. i can. i can talk small talk and chit chat with the best of them. and with anyone. from hillbilly to corporate ceo. i can tell a joke. i can make a snappy comeback. i can ask an interesting question or two. but. but. the thing is- i'd rather not. i'd rather someone else carry the day. i'd rather smile and enjoy and spend my time observing or being a wallflower if i can. i'd rather not have to carry the conversation.

and well, it's becoming increasingly my job now that my father is dead, to do that ball carrying. even while it's my mother that wants to be a part of things. it's her that wants to do the social things- but somehow it's me that has to do the work.

tonight we're at the wedding reception and we're at a table with 4 people that she knows much beter than i do. and two strangers to both of us. and what is she? she's almost completely silent. you can tell she wants to be there. you can tell she wants to be a part of things, but will she ask a question? compliment someone on their hair? comment on the proceedings?

no. she leaves all the socialness to be done to me.

to me. me- who doesn't even want to be there to begin with. and am only going to this event for her sake in the first place. if it were up to me, i'd have sent a nice present and stayed home and watched a movie on netflix. but she's the one who wants to go. and yet i'm the one that carries the ball.

and i do. and she has a nice time. and as i said- although it's not my favorite thing to do, i can do it. i can be social. i can chit chat and hold up my end of a conversation. and keep others involved in the process. everyone at our table- they have a good time. my mother included. she tells me so on the way home. "what a nice party." etc. so on.

and i'm thinking "thank you god, that's over and i'm almost home." but i'm saying "yes, yes it really was."

because it wasn't awful. not really. and as i said- i can do this stuff. and in many ways i'm glad i can do this for her. but oh. how. i. miss. my. dad. because i know that even while i play this role now for my mother- of her social facilitator- i know also that i'm a sorry replacement for him.

and i will say this. it did do me good to get out. it was good for my sagging ego, i guess.

as one of the couples was leaving- the wife came up to me and hugged me and said "xxxxx, you are just lovely and charming. it was so great to see you. xxxxx and i were so glad to get to sit at your table. it was so fun. and you look just beautiful. the older you get, the more lovely you're becoming. hope we'll see you again soon."

and i wouldn't have heard all those nice things sitting at home. and i wouldn't have heard all those nice things if i'd sat quietly at the table, so that no one would notice me. so maybe it's a good thing that i'm forced into this role of the social butterfly.

but oh my heavens. it's nice to be home and out of my heels and dress and in my bathrobe. because i'm exhausted.

the last post

2011-09-30T23:25:00.002-04:00

yeah. no. this is more than likely not my last post.

but i think it's been a couple of days since i posted. because- well because- it's been the oddest thing this week. at bedtime, i've actually been tired.

and i'm almost never tired at bedtime- unless i'm sick. and i'm not sick. but for some reason, i've either just gone to bed in the evening or i've fallen asleep on the sofa. and for the last couple of nights i've not even had the inkling to write at all.

and not writing is wierd for me- because usually i'm itching to write each day. either because i have somethign that i want to get off my chest or my heart or my mind or because i'm anxious to talk to someone anyone about something/anything or because i'm i just need to wind down. those are the reasons i write.

so back to the point. the point is that tonight i started thinking about if something were to happen to me- like i'd get crushed in a stampede or die in a fiery crash or choke to death on a grape- then the last thing i posted on here would be the last post.

and if you think about it- that's kind of intimidating. i mean. everything (or pretty much everything, if we're kind about it) is drivel. just plain blathering drivel. so what if it's the last thing i ever write? and then i'm remembered forever for whining about being lonely? or for quoting an irish proverb about cows making people cranky? or for not remembering to take my thyroid medicine?

hardly a great legacy to leave behind, huh? makes me seem silly and ridiculous and this blog- a waste of cyberspace.

but..

but then if i take the next moment and i turn the coin over to the otherside- you know what? i really really and really don't care what you think about me or what i write. or even how i write it. i don't. i really just don't care one whit.

so if tomorrow i fall down a staircase and snap my neck and you never hear from me again- you'll now know that my last words in my last post to you were

"i don't care."

everyone

2011-09-28T00:09:00.000-04:00

"everyone is nice until the cow gets into the garden."

damn cows.

when men don't sleep

2011-09-26T21:19:00.002-04:00

i read this interesting little factoid in the sunday (or saturday rather) supplement to my paper this weekend. that when women don't sleep well, it triggers tension between spouses. but when men don't sleep well, it doesn't make any difference.

ya gotta wonder why that is. is it that women are callous and don't care if their partners can't sleep? is it that women do care and try to help their partner out if they can't sleep, therefore the tension is relaxed? but men just don't care when their partner can't sleep and this upsets the woman? and then everyone is tense?

i know i had a spouse that didn't care whether or not i could sleep or not. or that i would often wait up almost all night waiting for him to come home and worrying myself to death and then pretend to be asleep when he came home so we wouldn't have to have a ridiculous half (his half) drunken argument. but i really think the tension there was caused by the alcohol. not the fact that i couldn't sleep. although i will admit that it was very hard to take care of two kids and work all day and pretend everything was peachy on very little to no sleep.

but i don't think the article meant situations like mine. and i do not really think that women are in general- uncaring. so i am sort of guessing that it has to do with a. the lack of support a woman feels for the troubles that make her stay wide awake and/or it's a lack of support for a person who is trying hard to function all day the next day without sleep.

and i still will argue with anyone who would dare to take me on- that a woman's life is much much more complicated than a man's is. even the most "share in the responsibility's man." and even if a man has a "big-ass" job and the woman doesn't.

and i'll even go so far as to say that i think it's because women in general care deeply about a lot more things simultaneously than men do. i not only think they are more prone to a multi-task during their waking time (proven by research) - i think we do double triple quadruple time juggling our thoughts and feelings.

of course i may be overgeneralizing about the genders and i am likely engaging in a bit of stereotyping based on my own perceptions of myself. and you could argue with me. but even so- you'll not likely convince me otherwise.

and to continue to overgeneralize- that is partly why i think men and women need each other. men need women so that they don't become ridiculously focused on one thing and "simple-minded." women need men so that they don't become a jumbled mess.

i do talk (as i did above) sometimes about my x. i hope you won't think that he was all bad. certainly he had his problems (but i certainly had mine) and our marriage didn't work out- but i will tell you this- that there were times when he could amazingly cut right to the chase of things and help me do that when i was unable to, for being overwhelmed.

i know that's something i very much miss in not having a man around. i really would like if once in awhile, i could turn to someone and say "please will you look at this mess with me and help me make sense of it?"

because i get a bit lost in stuff sometimes. and then i can't sleep.

not that there's any relationship to mess up for my lack of sleep. i can't stay up all night and no soul would have a care. but still.....

sacred dogs and scared gods

2011-09-23T20:54:00.002-04:00

back when i was in college, one of my textbooks in a discussion of dyslexia pointed out that to a child with visual perception issues the term "sacred gods" might just look like "scared dogs."

i always thought that was kind of funny. i mean, you know? it's funny. it just is.

today i ran into the grocery store really quick to pick up some diet coke. and by the carts there was this old hippie-ish guy with a long grey braided ponytail and he had on a tshirt that said "i'd rather die on all fours than live on my knees."

so what pops into my head? (besides the fact that i do not get wanting to be a 50-60 year old guy with a grey braided ponytail, that is)--

"sacred dogs/scared gods"

why? i don't know. my brain's wierd, i guess. i instantly associated the "all fours" with a dog and the "on my knees" with praying - i guess.

and i'm sure the guy's tshirt meant something along the saying "i'd rather die on my feet than live on my knees." i'm sure it was meant to convey that he would rather go out blazing, than die on his knees pleading for his life.

but i really don't know what the "all fours" was supposed to mean. some kind of 4 wheeled vehicle that hippie guy loves driving? he's a knuckle-scraping sexist ape and he's proud of it? i don't know. i have not a clue. i just can't get into a 50 to 60 year old grey ponytailed guy's head. nor really, do i want to.

and i guess if i really noodle it out- my instant summary of his tshirt motto doesn't even really make sense even if it is a dog and it is praying. because the dog would not be sacred and the god you're praying to would not be scared.

but all the same, the dyslexic phrasing is what popped into my head today when i saw the ponytail shirt. and then from there i started thinking about the edie brickell song that has the line "philosophy, it's the talk on a cereal box. religion- it's the smile on a dog."

smiles on dogs. that's either pretty scary or pretty sacred. one or the other.

"this may be the saddest dusk"

2011-09-21T21:22:00.003-04:00

a friend sent me a link today with the news that the band r.e.m. was disbanding. you might know that i'm a huge huge fan. i like their music, michael stipes' voice, but mostly it's for the sake of the lyrics. they are so intricate and interesting. and a lot of times they hit the nail on the head about feelings that i have.

i was fortunate once to get to see them live. it was however at a time when i was at a very low low in my life. and a friend, who although we've had a few misunderstandings over the years, was very sweet and bought me the ticket and in fact, would have bought another for me to bring a friend- in the hopes that it would have a ghost of chance of making me feel better. something- anything to help me feel better.

i did accept the ticket. but i refused taking another ticket and a friend with me. i told my friend it was because i didn't know anyone who was a fan enough that could/would go. (the concert was a state away)

but quite honestly- it was because i was at such a low low- that i really didn't want to be with or go with anyone. at the time, it seriously pained me to be around people and to be at all social. it was a time when every other second, i was gasping for air or on the verge of tears or full out crying.

it's very difficult to be around people when you are in such a state. i could not have survived a drive up with someone and i definitely could not have survived the concert or the drive back with someone.

i was a huge mess. a huge huge huge mess.

but- i went. by myself. and it was a sign of getting an eensy bit better- that i actually was interested in going to see r.e.m. enough to actually go somewhere. it might have been the first thing that i was actually interested in doing since my heart was ripped out of my chest.

but i still just couldn't bear to be social. i didn't have that in me. so i went alone.

and when i got there in the evening after driving several hours to get there, i went in, found my seat, then went to get something to drink. and i seriously do not know exactly why i did what i did next, but this is what i did--- out in the common area, beside a post, i kneeled down on the floor. kind of hunched over with my drink in front of me. i kind of think i did that- because i was quite often dizzy then. i think mostly from dehydration. because you know if you cry all day and only eat when someone makes you- because food tastes like cardboard- you tend to get dehydrated. and malnourished.

anyway- i might have thought that i needed a moment low to the ground to steady myself or something. i really am just not sure. but the point is- i was kneeling on the floor with my head down and this guy came up to me.

and i've never told anyone this. ever. because quite honestly, i'm still to this day not really sure it happened. i might have been halucinating. i probably was in that sore of condition.
but anyway- this guy came up to me and he kneels down beside me and says "have you seen r.e.m. before?" and i answer "no, i've always wanted to though." with my head still down, eyes on the ground.

and he says "do you have a favorite r.e.m. song?" and i say "i have a lot of favorites. it's hard for me to pick one i like the best, depends on what mood i'm in." still my eyes on the ground.

and he says "what song would you most like to hear tonight?"

and i was trying to say "night swimming." but i could not think of the name. i mean "duh" - but i just couldn't think of the name to save my life. and i started quoting some of the lines of the song. "photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago-"

and i looked up at him finally to see if he knew what i meant.

and i swear to you- that while i know it could not have actually have been him- i swear to you that this guy was a michael stipe doppelganger. looked just like him. i kind of gasped.

so then he says "i'm sure they'll play that tonight. are you here by yourself?"

and i lied and said "no." and "well i gotta get back to my friends." my imaginary friends.

and i got up and walked away. and went to my section and cried in the dark through the entire concert.

quite a wierd, sad dusk, huh?

eulogies

2011-09-20T19:53:00.003-04:00

my friend's dad died. another friend and i went to the funeral yesterday. and she and i sat at the back and listened to the non-comforting words given by the minister, who was trying to be of comfort.

seriously, i don't think there are any words that are comforting at those times. it would just be better if everyone sat quiet in their own thought,s if you ask me. at least we were spared the hell of audience participation at this one. i hate audience participation at funerals- the stories that go on and on about how aunt susie once baked cookies while wearing rollerskates or how grandma loved her cats etc. that people tell with tears in their eyes and can barely finish for choking up. i really hate that kind of stuff.

if anyone says of me at my funeral "xxxxx just loved fresh cut flowers in a vase on her table, her glass of wine, playing with her grandson, and doing her crossword puzzles with a cup of coffee on sunday mornings" i will rise up from my coffin. i will. don't think i won't. it might all be true. but seriously- i do not want to be eulogized just for being a human being who had likes and dislikes.

but so anyway- i suppose asking a mere mortal minister to speak words of comfort is a huge request, so i guess i shouldn't be hard on the guy for not hitting the mark for my friend's dad.

what really got to us though is that he betwowed upon the deceased- the virtue of patience. which seriously and really- this man was not known for. he really did have some really nice other virtues i think- but certainly- patience was not one of them.

it just wasn't true. so why say it?

i asked my friend later what she'd like said about her when she died. she told me that she wanted no funeral. and nothing said. wanted to be cremated and disposed of as cheaply as possible and wanted her family to take the money saved and to go on vacation. she said that if they went to the ocean, she'd like to be dumped there. apparently she'd told her family of all this and her son had quipped that they'd just dump her in their pond, because she'd never know the difference. ha ha.

anyway, i think her idea- is a darn good one. i really would like my family to do that for me as well. go on vacation that is- not dump me in a pond. i'm an organ donor and if there is anything left of me past the john prine-ish usable parts- i suppose i don't really care though.

but i guess i got to wondering later what if my family did have a funeral, what i would like them to say about me. i really don't want them or some minister lying about me. giving me character and virtues that i never posessed.

i know i'm not perfect. but i suppose you could quite honestly say that i'm a very fair person, that i work hard, that i really try to give people the benefit of the doubt, that i try to be forgiving and to be honest. you could say that if you asked for my help, i'd never refuse you, that i believed strongly in social justice. you might could say those things, i guess.

i don't really know what else.

i guess you could say i had a good sense of humor. but that's only if my brand is yours. there are so many things that other people laugh at, that i don't find funny at all. and things i think are hilarious- many people don't.

but so anyway. this week i have to go to another funeral. wonder what will be said about that guy? i think i'm going to start rating funeral speeches. 0 for no comfort. 10 for maximum comfort. i give the guy yesterday about a 3. he'd maybe have gotten a 5, but he got discounted 2 points for making stuff up.

satan hates you.

2011-09-18T22:39:00.003-04:00

but don't feel bad. according to the guy i heard speak yesterday- he hates me too. he hates everyone.

to be really honest even more than getting my head around the concept of a god who is good and all powerful, i have trouble getting my head around the concept of a really really bad guy like satan.

not that i don't believe there are people who do evil things or people that are just plain evil. i've met a few of them. but an overall powerful demonguy? yeah. can't put my head around that at all. can't believe in it.

it's too comicbookable.

now to be honest. i'd rather wish there was an evil person you might sell your soul to. because really, there would be a few things i might sell mine for.

but that's probably because i don't beleive in such a thing a hell you can burn in. or some other icky punishment. i just plain don't buy into that whole notion at all.

but sometimes- i would sort of like a world where people did actually get punished in the afterlife for doing bad stuff here. because all too often in the world people get away with all kinds of rotten things. and lots of times, many times, it seems like they not only get off scott-free, they thrive. while you struggle. and it's so unfair.

so sometimes you do really wish there would be somewhere where people who are awful to you would "get theirs."

but you know what? if you give in to that kind of vengeful thinking- then there really is no job opening for a satan anyway.

it's my party and i'll sleep if i want to.

2011-09-17T22:19:00.003-04:00

it wasn't really my party. it was a friend texting me about a week and 1/2 ago and saying "hey we are having a party at your house next weekend, do you prefer fri. or sat?"

and me answering "friday." and it was a nice party. we had a fire in the fire pit. tamarind martinis, slush, wine, beer, some snacks."

and slowly everyone left but two of my best friends. and we sat indoors and as we were talking, i got sleepier and sleepier, and i put a blanket around me and drifted off as they discussed the world and everyone in it.

i woke up this morning about 7, got up and went to bed until around 9. when i texted my friends later, they told me "yeah, you fell asleep and we sat and talked for around another hour or two and when we decided it was time to wrap it up, you looked so comfy, we decided to just let you sleep and we let ourselves out. thanks for the great party."

and then when i got up at 9, i got dressed and went to watch my grandson play soccer and he scored a goal. and then i took him and my son out to lunch.

then i came home and cleaned up my house from the party and the yard and then i mowed my yard.

then at 4 i went to watch my grandson play basketball. and he made a basket. then i went to my son's house for dinner, and afterwards we went for a walk and to the school playground and we played. then we walked home and decided to light a fire and cook s'mores.

and we sat around the fire as night fell and we cooked marshmallows and made s'mores, and the adults drank wine, until way way way past the 6 year old's bedtime.

and i have to tell you, these were two of the nicest two days in a row ever and i just got home and i feel all nice and smoky and toasty.

and i think i'll change into some sloppy old jammies, curl up on the sofa again and drift off to some lame movie.

because it's my party here, and i'll sleep if i want to. night.

amazing...

2011-09-15T23:12:00.003-04:00

“There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.”
― Elie Wiesel

this i think is one of the most profound amazing things ever uttered.

and here is a collection of other amazing quotations from Elie Wiesel.

“The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.”

“Whoever survives a test, whatever it may be, must tell the story. That is his duty.”

“Indifference is the sign of sickness, a sickness of the soul more contagious than any other.”

“Human suffering anywhere concerns men and women everywhere.”

“Which is worse? Killing with hate or killing without hate?”

“One person of integrity can make a difference.”

“To forget the dead would be akin to killing them a second time.”

“We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.”

it's a serious night. i do not apologize for that.

i'm alive!

2011-09-14T21:10:00.002-04:00

thanks to those of you who wrote with concern. i did not die. and i don't have a headache anymore. for those of you who are sad to hear the news- i stick my tongue out at you.

yes. i am fine. and in fact, according to my wii fit, i'm pretty strong, i have pretty strong abs, i'm a fantastic runner, and today my wii fit age is 28.

which is significantly younger than i am. significantly. in fact it makes me about as young as my children.

now my wii fit age is not always that young. most of the time it's between 30 and 40- which is still crazy good i think. and every once in awhile- i get a bad age like 58 or something.

that's usually when i have to do the double balance test. because balance is the one aspect of the wii fit program that i really really really really suck at. no matter how much i do those exercises or how strong my core muscles are- i suck at balancing myself.

so there you have it- i'm alive. i'm fine. and i'm unbalanced.

which probably doesn't surprise any of you.

knocked silly

2011-09-13T22:11:00.003-04:00

so yesterday, i was leaning over to get a head of lettuce out of the bottom drawer of my refrigerator. and when i straightened up, i hit the back of my head on the bottom of the freezer door.

and you know how in the cartoons, when some character hits their head on something or someone hits them over the head with a frying pan, little pretend birds fly around their head? well, now i know where that cartoon imagery comes from- because little flickers of light started flashing around everywhere. they could easily have been birds. twinkly birds.

anyway, there was no blood. and i don't seem to have a lump. but dog gone it, if i wasn't momentarily dizzy and then i got a headache. that persists to today.

not a horrible, agonizing, migrainy one, but sort of a dullish ache. and my left eye feels (although it does not look) droopy.

it's not the kind of thing that ruined my day or anything- but i am starting to wonder if i have a mild concussion or something. i didn't lose consciousness and i didn't vomit and i haven't felt dizzy since it first happened so i'm guessing i'm ok.

so yes, maybe this takes the cake as my most boring blog evar- but if i never blog again, assume i died of a traumatic brain injury.

accentuater of the positive

2011-09-12T21:38:00.003-04:00

so i canned my cable tv. costs too much. so now i have local channels through an antenna. and i have netflix for 8 bucks a month through my wii.

and besides the fact that it's way less expensive this way- i've noticed something. i've noticed that when i set out to pick out things to watch on tv rather than flipping through channels- i tend to watch more positive, more uplifting, and more lighthearted tv.

instead of creepy crime dramas like csi or criminal minds or law and order, i have picked out and watched comedies and even the dramas i've watched have been of the more positive types- billy elliott, apollo 13 etc.

and this surprises me- that i drift towards the lighter side of things. because i do tend to think of myself as a cynical and negative person. you'd think i'd gravitate towards the serious.

but i'm starting to rethink that. because of my newly noticed tv habits and also because of something i was thinking about today at work. i, alone, was the one unsurprised person that things were going well for a certain kid this year. everyone else had written her off as pretty much hopeless. and they can't believe it that she's suddenly blossomed. i did not write her off. and i even feel responsible for setting things on the right track for her, when everyone else thought i was out of my mind. and now they want to know what it was i saw in her.

and i don't know what it was exactly that i saw. i don't think i saw anything really. what i think is that i just "hoped" for the best and then thought about how we'd go about getting from where she was to where we wanted her to be. and put those things into place.

so maybe i'm not negative. maybe i'm a positive person. maybe the positive is what i accentuate.

i was talking to a friend yesterday who i hadn't seen in some time. and she told me she'd heard i was retiring. she asked me if i was scared not knowing what i was going to do. and i said "yeah, not really. yeah, i may startve or something- but i just am thinking that whatever it is, it's going to be better."

"a new adventure?" she asked?

"exactly" i answered.

and that is how i feel. even if i'm a little scared, i'm way more pleased about it than i am scared.

and then she said "was it sad leaving your old house?" and i said "no, not at all. i don't even miss it at all. and everyday when i come home to my new house and i feel happy."

the words flew out of my mouth before i knew what i'd said. i'd said "happy."

that doesn't sound like a negative person at all, does it?

omlets out of lemons

2011-09-11T15:43:00.003-04:00

yesterday i was bringing in some groceries and i set the bag too close to the edge of the counter and the weight of the ketchup bottle pushed it and the bag fell to the floor with the carton of eggs in it. the eggs (broken and unbroken) all stayed contained within the bag and within the carton. but of the 12 eggs- 7 were broken. that ended my plans to take deviled eggs to a homecoming 9/11 get together today. it started my plans to have an omlet for supper.

and it was quite good, my omelet. and i posted with sarcasm on my fb page that i was the positive kind of person who when confronted with broken eggs- instead of crying- makes a delicious omelet. a variation on the lemon/make lemonaide life philosophy.

anyway, a couple of my friends noted that this truly was how they knew me to be. positive in the light of misfortune and making the best out of what i was stuck with.

and i don't know whether that's how i am or not. in some things- sure.

regarding my office move that is certainly a lemon- i really have made the best out of it that i can. i certainly enjoy the nice friendly people that work in my hallway and i like that i'm treated with respect there. i also have gained a fair amount of sympathy for this happening to me and it's made other people that i work with - want to treat me more kindly and they've offered to be helpful in ways they've never been before. so i've enjoyed that and also taken advantage of it. i've sipped up that lemonaide through a straw.

but on the otherhand, i sure haven't been able to make lemonaide or omlets out of being dumped for a shiny penny by the love of my life. i still really haven't picked myself up out of that one. not really. yes, i function, but only in ways that i have to get through the days. not in any real sense.

i have not learned from the experience. i've been toughened by it yes, but learned anything? no. made an omlet? no. because basically, i still don't really know what i ever did that was all that terrible. i was asked to say how i felt. i answered. and that was that. so i was canned for being truthful that i was struggling?? not really much to be learned from that except that you don't ever want to fall in love with a man who doesn't really love you. and well, how you avoid that in the future, i don't really know. you're just stuck sucking on a lemon.

anyway- i wonder in which mirror image i should see myself in? the positive omlet maker or the negative sucker of lemons?

today a friend of mine was telling me of a very tough situation she was in with work. and she said it was SO bad that it was starting to mess with her marriage. until she and her husband had the conversation that "hey, this is stupid- we are letting something outside the marriage destroy it." and how could they let that happen? and right then and there- they decided that they would not let it. and he went from not backing her up to backing her up. which is good. but the problem with work still remains.

and someone had suggested to her that she suck it up, and get over it. "make lemons out of lemonaide" and she was ticked off. she said "xxxxx, you don't just suck it up when you get treated that way, you have to stand up."

anyway, sometimes i guess it's a broken egg- omlet situation that applies or sometimes you just stand up and start throwing the lemons back. either that or you give up and leave altogether- throwing your eggs and lemons in the trash- but i think you can only do that if you don't care at all.

the more i think it all over, the more confused i get. the only thing i'm really certain of is you can't make an omlet out of lemons.

or if anyone knows the recipe, i wish they'd let me know.

rain rain, go away

2011-09-08T22:54:00.003-04:00

my favorite rain song is the beatle's "when the rain comes"

"If the rain comes they run and hide their heads.
They might as well be dead..... it's all a state of mind."

but there's a lot to be said for "listen to the rhythm of the falling rain"

"listen to the rhythm of the falling rain telling me just what a fool i've been....."

i love the way the words just fall in that song. like raindrops. like teardrops.

and it is is rather what rain feels like to me. like heartache. or should i say that heartache seems rather like rain to me. rather like a pounding, drizzling rhythm you just get used to and learn to live with.

i guess it really is a state of mind.

wouldn't it be nice if the sun would shine again?

i was just thinking

2011-09-07T22:00:00.002-04:00

that since i've moved to my new home, i've not cooked at all. yes, i've microwaved stuff. i've heated up soup. i've made salads and once i even used my crockpot when i was entertaining. but i've not actually cooked a single meal.

but then i started thinking "when was the last time you actually cooked at your old house? and i really think it was back in late december or early jan when my daughter was home.

now you know. i'm really not much of a cook. yes, when the kids were home, i would put balanced meals in front of them. i did know the importance of balanced nutrition. but i can't really say that my meals were all that much to rave about and they were usually prepared when i was worn out from working all day and was thinking about what all had to be done before my head hit the pillow. and mostly they were (to me) just something to get out of the way.

now i have enjoyed eating here. this house is just cozier to me and i feel much more at home, so i'll actually sit by myself at the table or on the patio and relish the cottage cheese and tomatoes that i threw on the plate. tonight i even had clam chowder by candlelight, while i sorted through mail, read the paper and looked out the window at the rain.

but still and all, i've not actually cooked anything. and while i know i will when my daughter comes home for a visit at thanksgiving- it just seems like i ought to cook something before then. i have, afterall, mastered turning on the gas burners now. which i honestly never knew how to do on a gas stove before i moved here. i'd always had electric.

anyway, so now that i'm thinking i should actually cook something- and maybe this weekend- i'm wondering what it is that i'd like to cook. i could have another paella night. but then i was thinking about spaghetti- but not regular spaghetti- but the really good strange spaghetti my mother used to make. then i started thinking about stuffed porkchops. i really like them. i'd make meatloaf but i can't eat it anymore. maybe stirfry? then i was thinking- that i'd always wanted to cook a cornish hen. but then i thought duck. i do LOVE duck. do you think i could cook duck? i've never cooked duck.

so anyway, i don't know what i should cook. but there will only be one first cooked meal here- so it has to be something perfect.

because i did.

2011-09-06T21:41:00.002-04:00

do not get me wrong. i do love my mother. she is in many ways an amazing person.

but i gotta tell you that very often i do think that i was hatched. or adopted. or hatched and then adopted. because we are just not very much the same.

this weekend i was telling my son that i had watched a movie. and she overhears and says "i never heard of that."

and i said "neither had i, but i just thought it sounded interesting, so i watched it."

"what was it about?"

and i tell her what it was about and she says "so why on earth did you want to watch that?"

the question exasperates me. and i just wanted to say "because i did. is there some law that says i can't find something you don't find interesting, interesting?"

so i just say "it just sounded like it would be funny."

"why?"

so what do you say to that? it's like she's telling me that since she doesn't think it sounds funny or thinks it sounds wierd, that no person and especially her daughter should not think it sounds funny and should think it was wierd also.

all my life has been this way. and i don't mean to complain.cuz- it's not a big deal. but it's exasperating to me is all.

can't i just be who i am and like what i like? and dislike what i dislike? is that not ok?

code

2011-09-05T20:02:00.002-04:00

xxxx xxxxxxxxx,

x xxxx xxxx xxx. x xxxx xxx xxxx xxx xxxx x xxxxxxx. xx xxxxx xx xxxxx xxx xxx xxxx xx xxx xxxxx. xxxxxx xxxx xx. x xxx xxx xxx xxxxxx xxx.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

before meets after

2011-09-04T23:06:00.003-04:00

surveying the land

2011-09-03T22:16:00.002-04:00

so let me tell you how i wish my life had gone. i wish that by now i'd have retired from education and been able to live comfortably financially. i wish that i'd be happily married to the love of my life. i wish that he'd really loved me. i wish that my x sister in law were still alive and watching her children turn to teenagers and i were sharing with her those trials and joys. i wish that my dad were still here, just to talk to. to make me feel secure.

that's how my life should have gone.

but let me also tell you this. even if i don't have any of that- i could not be happier with some other things in my life. i LOVE my grandson. he is a light. funny. goofy. a joy. in my life. i love my son and am SO proud of him for the father he is and the person he is. and i LOVE my daughter in law for the strong caring person she is and how she keeps my son grounded. and i LOVE my daughter for her bravery and her sense of humor and her persistance even when things are hard. and i love her boyfriend who i've barely even met, because he seems nice and kind and intelligent and a good match for her.

and i love my friends. who love me for NOT being perfect and for who i am. and who have stuck with me even through all the crazy.

and i love so many of my colleagues who i respect and admire and who count me as an ally and a friend. and i love my kids, my students who make me know what life is really all about and what really counts and matters.

seriously. i'm blessed with so much and so many. in so many ways i could not be happier with how my life has turned out. and i know i should (and i do) thank my lucky stars for all these things.

do you know how many people would drop whatever they are doing to come help me if i were in trouble? or just lonely? well, i don't really know either, but i'm starting to believe there's more than a few.

so what's got me all gushy and stuff tonight, you ask? well, i just came home from dinner and drinks with some friends. but not my normal friends, some sort of extended friends. friends of friends actually. who i've become friends with through someone else.

and here's the kicker. i'm almost sure that the reason they invited me out this evening was because our mutual friend, who introduced us, is away. and in fact, out of the country for the week. and well, i can't explain why this is- but this particular friend looks after me.

she told me once that she knows that if i drop dead suddenly for some reason that she is the one that would find me. would be the first one to miss me. and since i'm on my own she takes that as her solemn yet absurd responsibility in life. and her kids have picked me out to marry their father if she dies except for i'm too old for him. which makes us laugh. but at the same time honors me. all this goofy, best friendy stuff between us.

but so anyway i would bet you dollars to donuts that since she is away this week that she said to our mutual friends, "now you make sure xxxxx has something to do this weekend. call her and invite her out." that's part of how she looks after me. she worries that i won't go out and i'll just sit here if she doesn't goad me.

i would bet on this. that she made sure i was occupied this weekend. i really would. it's too coincidental that they called. and so they did call me and when i got home from a wonderful day trip with my grandson and my son and daughter in law and my mother, i took them up on it. and we went out.

and when i got home here, i texted them and said "thanks for the night, it was good for the soul." and they all text back. and all their text back say "duh, we LOVE you."

and how can you not feel good about such things? how can i not feel good about my life?

no things are so not perfect. but just the same. they are indeed good.

babes in the woods

2011-09-02T20:01:00.002-04:00

sometimes i forget how young and naive some of my colleagues are. twice today i was reminded.

in the first instance, i was talking to this young teacher that i've consulted with for years and for some reason or another rather looks up to me and very often seeks out my advice. and today she was upset by something she'd been told about services for her kids. and she asked me- "xxxxx,can this be right?" and i said "well, no it's not right but it's what they want to do." and she said "but it's not right!" and i said "yes, i know, it's not right. and if you are wanting to stop them from doing it, you're going to have to stand up." and she said "will you help me?"

and i said "yes, xxxxx, but honestly, you are going to need to learn to stand up by yourself, next year i'll be gone, and they'll come up with something else or press this issue again and you're going to be on your own dealing with it."

she said "i know,i hate that you're retiring, you are so good at these kinds of situations, it's like you say something and suddenly everybody stops and listens to you. they don't do that for me."

and i said "that's because you're always hiding behind me or someone else, you haven't developed a rep for standing your ground. you are going to have to prepare your arguments, take a deep breath, articulate them, and not take no for an answer. the other thing you have to do is align yourself with some power. i have power for two reasons, one i do my homework and two- i know or i find out who to get on my side to counter-balance who they have lined up on their side."

"yes, you're right" she says and then she says "but why can't they just do the right thing in the first place, why do we have to fight in the first place?"

and i said "i don't know. i wish people weren't ridiculous and i wish life was easy too, but it's not. and this job is not easy. but it's the job you chose, so you have a choice, you can either phone it in and quit caring or you can learn to stand up."

she says " yes, i know. i just didn't know it would be so hard." i winked and said "i know- but you CAN do it. you're not the kind of girl who runs."

then later in the day another colleague and i had a conference and then following that a meeting with two administrators. one of ours and one of theirs. and the one of ours is new at his job. and the issue was a sticky one because ours had been given marching orders to hold the line on something and the other administrator was pushing the other way (which was the way that both my colleague and i know is right.) and we all talked for a bit and the teacher and i gave our perspectives and our arguments and then the other admin said "well, thank you for your input, now mr. xxxxxxx and i need to hash this out." and so the teacher and i leave and we start walking down the hall. and i laugh and say "i sure wanted to stay and watch that wrestling match." and she says "you think it will be a wrestling match? why?"

and i said "i know it will be a wrestling match, xxxx has been asked to hold the line by our boss and xxxxx knows the line needs to move. and so it will be an interesting match."

and she says "BUT xxxxx, how can he not see the logic and need? all of our arguments are so valid, i'm sure we changed his mind."

and i said "it doesn't matter if we changed his mind or not. he barely knows what we are talking about anyway. what it boils down to is whether or not he'll cave in to xxxxx's power and go face our boss' wrath for not standing firm on or whether he'll hold the line he was told to hold and bring in our boss to fight the battle. but we don't need to worry because if that happens. i xxxxx will bring in her boss who is ultimately our boss's boss and "right" will prevail." "but it's not about our convincing arguments, or swaying anyone- it's about who holds the most power. don't kid yourself otherwise."

she sighs. she says "i hate this. it's just wrong."

i say "i know, but this is just the way our world here works. that's why xxxx was hired, because he's a "yes man" to our boss. so the match is on, might as well enjoy the show is all i can ever think to do."

and it occurs to me that basically- this is really the way the whole world works. doesn't matter if you have good ideas or are in the right or make sound arguments or even if you can knit a sweater in record time. doesn't matter. what matters is who holds the power.

and it doesn't matter whether it's in a relationship or a work situation or politics or anything- only power matters.

and the best situations are one where the power is shared. where respect is given to each other. only then can logic and sound arguments prevail rather than power.

lifesavers

2011-08-31T20:13:00.003-04:00

so one of my great friends/colleague and i always try to crack each other up by saying things like "well, i'm off to change lives" when we are talking on the phone and one of us is about to enter a school. it's our way of making fun of those ridiculous people who use such stupid catch phrases.

but today when she called me after work, i reported to her that i was not in the business of changing lives anymore. instead i was now in the business of saving lives.

because in fact, today i did save a kid's life. literally.

and i'd brag about myself and tell you all about it except for if my boss were somehow find out about it, she'd jump to a conclusion about someone else and they'd be in trouble. she really can't be trusted these days at all. anyway they weren't really to blame at all. it was simply an accident what happened. and fortunately, i happened to be there and took action.

so anyway. suffice it to say that i literally did save a kid's life today.

and here's what's very odd about it all. because i don't really believe in such things. but i honestly had this thought afterwards- i thought "this is the reason i went through everything i've gone through- so that i could be here right here at this moment and save this kid's life."

really- you know i don't believe in crap like that. but all the same- it's what popped into my head. and it really did sort of for some reason make me feel better. cuz here's the thing- i do often think that my life has been exactly pointless. and that i've screwed it up. and that unfair things have happened to me. and i still really don't know what i live for. or why i live. i very often wonder "what's the point?" then i tell myself to suck it up and quit being a baby.

but today for a little while- i actually felt like my life had some real meaning.

what i can't be

2011-08-30T22:03:00.002-04:00

in my ongoing efforts to decide what i'll be doing for my next job act, i've decided to make a list of all the things i can't do. here are the first 10

1. a doctor. ick. needles and veins
2. a rocket scientist. i'm too dumb
3. a famous singer. i can only sing minimally.
4. a model. not pretty and too short
5. marketer. i have a soul and would like to keep it.
6. artist. poor fine motor skills.
7. translator. no habla espaniol. or japanese. or chinese. or...
8. chef. cooking terrifies me.
9. truck driver. hard to find a parking space so you can stop and go to the bathroom.
10. airline pilot. although i've learned to rather like air travel- i can't actually fly a plane.

tearbursts

2011-08-29T20:54:00.005-04:00

not sure what was going on with me today. i mean- now i'm fine but earlier today i kept bursting into tears.

first by chance i happened to read a poem. i didn't mean to- i never read poetry anymore (or listen to music for that matter.) but i opened this book to look for something and i saw this poem about a kid dying of cancer and it's like my eyes ate it up in one bite. and i burst into tears.

then awhile later i was driving in my car and i turned on the radio and i flipped the npr station to get a clearer npr station but instead i got a country station and they were playing this song called "love don't run." and before i could flip it again, i heard a couple lines and i burst into tears.

then later i was walking by a tv and they said 28 people had died out east from hurricane irene. and i burst into tears.

then i was at a school and they were telling me about this student that i'm particularly fond of doing really well this year after a horrible year last year and they were attributing it to them listening to me about the way i wanted things set up this year. they said "we should have listened to you last year." and "what are we going to do without you next year." and i started to burst into tears but fortunately held on long enough to get to my car. and i burst into tears.

and seriously- 4 more times today from various triggers i burst into tears.

and none of the bursts were long lived. just short bursts.

but is there something wrong with you when this happens to you? i felt like i was springing some kind of leak or something.

let's just hope it was a flukey bad day. i am fine right now- but i really can't walk around doing this all the time.

bells that toll

2011-08-28T21:24:00.003-04:00

this guy i know just told me that i remind him of neko case. actually, he tried to tell me this the other day. he told me to watch a video documentary of her and see who she reminded me of. and well, i watched the video and although i like her- i didn't have a clue who of our mutual friends and aquaintances she reminded me of.

so tonight he messages me again. and says "seriously, watch this video, she reminds me of you." ha ha. guess i didn't recognize myself.

i think i'm flattered. i mean i really do like neko case. she's an outstanding singer and song writer. a seriously cool person.

ah but why am i talking about this? well, before he popped on and messaged me again about this- i was sitting here thinking about some recent deaths of some people i know, which of course was making me think of some other deaths that have affected me greatly.

and i was thinking in particular for some reason about my grandmother's death. and the reason was- is that i was thinking "i wished i'd spent more time talking to her before she died." not because i was neglectful of her or because we'd had any unresolved issues, but i just think i missed an opportunity to understand some things.

i didn't know her as well as i should have or would have liked to. and because of the distance between us- and i was working and my children were young then- i really didn't get to spend much time with her right before she died.

i do know this tho- that she hated being sick as she was before she died. because she'd never really been sick her whole life. and it frustrated her- no end. and so i was kinda sitting here wondering what her thoughts were shortly before she died. i mean what's it like to be in your 90's and to realize you are probably going to die. that there's probably no other outcome at your age.

are you thinking- "yeah, led a good life..." or "wow, i botched that." or "wow, i'm really scared." or "i'm just so tired.." what? what are you thinking about?

anyway the coincidence here tonight was when he brought neko up, i remembered that has a pretty interesting song about death called "at last."

here is the whole song---

I can say that I've lived here in honor and danger
But I'm just an animal and cannot explain a life

Down this chain of days
I wished to stay among my people
Relation now means nothing
Having chosen so defined

And if death should smell my breathing
As it passes beneath my window
Let it lead me
Trembling, trembling

I own every bell that tolls for me

what you hear me saying

2011-08-27T19:55:00.002-04:00

don't do it. just don't. don't start any sentence in a conversation with me with "what i hear you saying is...."

really, seriously, i'm pleading with you. don't say that- UNLESS you absolutely know that the end of that sentence is "you want to punch me in the face."

because really and seriously- if you say "what i hear you saying to me" to me, that IS exactly what i'll be thinking- i'll be thinking "i want to punch you in the face."

what the hell ever happened to just saying "i disagree with you. here is why." or "i don't get what you are talking about."

why the hell do we want to xuck it up and muck it up with such ridiculous speech as "what i hear you saying....?" so that we can pretend that there is no disagreement.

and here's why you don't say such stupid dumb phrases as "what i hear you saying." it's because THEY ARE CONDESCENDING. and it's a blatant attempt on YOUR part to be in control.

and it implies to me that you think the world is all about who has power and who is in control. let me tell you a secret. not nobody is in power or in control. not you. not me. what we're trying to do here is solve a problem TOGETHER- we're not trying to establish who is the effing alpha dog. if i wanted to be the alpha dog, i'd piss on a tree. i just want to tell you what i am thinking here. you can respond to IT as you see fit. agree. disagree. question it. i don't care. but don't sieze this as the opportunity to puff your chest out. you look stupid. and puffy. and you just shut me the HELL down.

really. seriously. "come back to me when you are ready to say something else about it all. until then you're dead to me. because i'm not playing a stupid alphadog game here. i'm trying to do my job. and i'm trying to give you my best 33 years of experience and training guess on this kid. and i want to hear your thoughts. i do NOT want to establish power bases with you. i cede you the power. i don't want the power. all i want is for you not to patronize me and condescend to me with ridiculous phrases such as "what i hear you saying is." take your "how to manage people 5 dollar workshop crap and shove it up your axx!"

ok. now i'm done. thank you mbb readers for allowing me to get that off my bewildered chest.

Bottled up messages

2011-08-26T00:02:00.002-04:00

I'm fine.
No this is not over so don't rest easy. I have more power than you think I do.
That's very funny.
I'm sorry.
I'm bored by this.
Thanks.
I'm impressed.
I don't care.
I don't believe a word you say.
I'm proud of you.
I'm scared.
Don't be stupid. It makes you look dumb.
Stop please.
Please listen. You really don't know as much as you think you do.
I'm sorry but you are wrong.
You're right.
I miss you.
That'd be nice.
I like you.
I wish I'd never met you.
See! You could do it!
Let's do this later.

What's all this? It's things I have to say to various people for various reasons.

Sadface

2011-08-25T00:12:00.004-04:00

I'm very and completely sad tonight. There are actually several reasons. I do not feel like talking about any of them so please do not call me if u are a person inclined to do that sort of thing. I don't want to talk. What I want is just someone to come sit with me and say nothing at all. That would make me feel better.
But who wants to call up a friend and say "hey will you just come sit here with me and not say Anything for about 6 hours or so? Yeah, u can't do that.

so I guess the next best thing is to just cry myself to sleep.

Please don't think I'm unwell or depressed or that I need therapy. I'm not and I don't. I'm just sad and seriously there is no law against that. I'm appropriately sad for legitimate reasons. And it's also not a crime to not feel like talking about it all. And all I want is someone to understand that and come sit with me for a bit.

Oh and if you're wondering why I'm suddenly using caps it's because I'm typing this on this little nonphone phone. It puts caps on for me and against my will.

Ok. Going to bed now and again- please don't call. I'm fine- I'm just sad.

see i told you so

2011-08-23T22:27:00.002-04:00

see- i told you so- that talking about or even having hopes and dreams is never really a good thing. i yakked and yakked about them last night and "poof" - this morning- nothing. zilch. oh and... nada.

yeah, yeah, yeah, i know- i can't expect the cosmos to work miracles in a single night. but the way i look at it- the cosmos owes me.

ok. not really. what i do know in this life is that no one owes you anything. not a dime. and not even to be true to their word. they don't owe you. and you are owed nothing. whatsoever. from anyone or the world or anything at all.

and some people might take that little facty to mean that you shouldn't feel obligated to do anything nice or decent for anyone. "the world's a hardknock place annie- get used to it. get over it and go out and be grabby and stand up for yourownself and don't worry about anyone else."

however what i take it to mean is that the world is SO inherently unfair and unforgiving and unkind and unyielding- that i've decided all the more to be UNlike it.

i will be fair. i will do my best to forgive people. even the people i still don't forgive. i will be kind. i will do honorable deeds. i will tell the truth. i will stand up to wrongness.

why? because i like the underdogs in life. the people who triumph no matter who kicks them. or calls them names like "evil." i like the underdogs. i just do. i aspire to be one of them. that and well, you know what?

i don't know why. just that everytime i think about someone who has hurt me, i think the best revenge is NEVER becoming like them.

well, it's august 22nd

2011-08-22T21:55:00.002-04:00

and so i have decided to talk about my hopes and dreams. because if you've been following mmb, you'll know that my personalized horoscope that i don't believe said that if i talked about my hopes and dreams (that i don't believe in) they will come to be.

and honestly this is hard for me. because as i indicated before- it just seems to me in my life that if ever i want something too much, that's the surest indication that it's going to elude me. and so in general i've solved that little problem by just never wishing or hoping for anything at all anymore.

but i've decided that just this once. this one very once i will spill what i would hope and wish for IF i hoped and wished.

1. i would wish to get married again. no, not just to anyone, but to someone i loved, respected, and admired with all my heart. someone who would make me laugh and make me think and sometimes make me breakfast. and who would challenge me when i'm wrong but would also understand when i can't help the way i'm feeling or being. someone who would love me enough to know that i never mean not to be not perfect for them. someone who is kind. someone who would willingly share their ups and downs with me.

2. i would like my children to both be happy and have love in their lives always as well.

3. i would like my grandson to continue to grow stronger and smarter and sweeter.

4. i would like to have a big pot of money fall in my lap to release me from the worries of finances. i'd like to pay off the student loans and the mortgage and my car payment on ruby.. i'd like to be able to afford to travel and dine and to treat my friends occassionally. i'd like to add a substantial sum of money to my tiny account for my grandson's college. i'd like to feel secure while retiring from this awful job that i can afford healthcare and life insurance etc.

5. i'd like never again to hear that any of my family or friends has cancer.

6. i'd like to find a job that stimulates me yet doesn't tax me the way that this one does.

7. i'd like the billionaires and the politicians to quit meddling in education and instead work on providing the experts with the resources they need to help all children and to see that public education survives.

8. oh and i'd like world peace.

ok. that's about it. cosmos---- i've done my part- i've talked about my hopes and dreams. there right here on this table. now keep the deal and you do your part and hand it all over. k?

the resume blues

2011-08-21T18:54:00.002-04:00

since people are starting to ask me about what i'm going to do next and are making suggestions to me about places and positions for which i might apply- i am putting together a resume. i know i have several months to line something up and i have a safety net if i don't find something else. but.... i need to get started i think.

and- now you need to know that this is only the 2nd time in almost 34 years that i've attempted to do a resume. and the last time i started on one was about 8 or 9 years ago when i had hoped i might be moving away. but as things turned out that time, i didn't really get much past my basic information such as Name: Address: Contact phone: etc. before that possibility evaporated into dust.

so for all intents and purposes this is the first time in 34 years i've done a resume. and while it's infinitely more simple now because you don't have to type them picture perfect on a typewriter and there are just tons of free resume templates and advice about resumes on the internet, it is also a great deal more difficult because well, i've go so very much history. and well, because basically i hate speaking or writing in bullshitese such as you have to translate into for these things.

and then uniquely, as i understand things- i have worked for the same employer for all this time in various positions and so i've got to get all those responsibilities straight on a timeline. it's really not good to be inaccurate unless you're in politics or business, it never gets you anywhere.

and i've got to make sure i don't sound like the kind of person who just never could get a job anywhere else. or was turned down for promotions. i mean the truth is that i didn't stay in the same position just with the same employer. i did mix things up a bit. but i had to stay with the same employer- this was the only game in the town for someone in my field for all these years. unless i went into administration. and i honestly never wanted to go into administration even while i was encouraged to at times because it just seemed liked no fun to me and also not worth the bump in salary.

but you can't just say all that kinda stuff honestly- you have to say it "just so." in the right creepy, best-foot forward terms.

and then there is the subject of who to put down for references. yes, there are some people that i know i want to put down. i mean i know who "loves me" and who doesn't. but it's just well i don't know what it is. i guess i'm just creeped out about putting people in the "yes" category, the "maybe" category and then in the "hell no" category. it's just wierd to me.

and now one thing i know- is that resumes should only be 1 or 2 pages long. no one wants to read more than that to decide whether or not to throw it in the trash or put you on the list for some gruelling "tell us about yourself" interview.

so hmm. squishing almost my whole grown up life down to a few short sections and making it intriguing.

plus there are so many emotions tied up with it all. it's daunting.

and well truth be told. it's not really like i actually hate my current job. it's not like i really have any passions or ambitions. it's that i want to get the heck out of here and go live somewhere where i might have the possibility of a life that is not so boring. and also because i don't like the idoe and it's insanity and i don't like how my current boss is going about things. and i don't want and really can't afford to lose my retirement money. so well- it's time for me to go.

but putting together this resume- well, it's sort of just sort of feelig like a blues song.
the resume blues....

and here's what i'm considering for my cover letter- my sincere apologies to eric clapton

I'm sorry baby, but I can't afford to stay.
i have to write a resume so i can leave someday.
I really like my old job, but I'm gonna have to say goodbye.
oh now, I got to move, I really got to fly.

[Chorus:]
Same thing every morning,
Tell me what's it all about.
I get those resume blues every night.

I don't know how to write this, it's more than words can say.
Seems like I've been tryin' twenty-four hours, more like a million days.
I so want a new job, you know I woudn't tell you no lies.
If you don't believe I'm tryin', look at the tears standing in my eyes.

a comfortable house

2011-08-20T10:12:00.002-04:00

"a comfortable house is a great source of happiness. it ranks immediately after health and a good conscience." sydney smith

old sydney was a british writer and clergyman born in 1771 and dead in 1845. so says his one line biography. other than that i know nothing about him except what lies between the lines of this quote and a general sense of history of that time period. maybe i'll google him someday to learn more. but then again maybe i won't.
i don't really much care about him so much.

i just wanted to grab a quote to start out this post about my new house. and well, you know me- i couldn't go with the typical "home is where the heart is" junk. because well, you know, my heart is not really anywhere right now.

however, it can be said that i'm finding my new home quite comfortable. and in it's own way- a happy place. which is to say that i like it here. it's smaller, it's neater, it's more comfortable to me. it's not too much and it's not too little. and even while i had the experience of the lawnmower pulling me rather than me pushing it last weekend, most all of everything that has happened to me since i've been here has a nice memory associated with it.

unlike the old house. where there were- yes- some happy memories- of the kids etc, but also there were a bunch of memories that i'd like to throw in a shredder.

and it occurs to me that i have the opportunity in this new house and in whatever lodging i live in after this- to create only happy memories. only good times that please me. i guess that means living carefully and yet at the same time- a bit more freely.

now a number of my friends that i entertained at my old house have said to me on various occassions that they always felt at home in my old house. that it always felt comfortable to them to be there. and i always took that as a compliment to my "hostessing" skills. that i never made anyone feel like they weren't welcome.

and maybe that's true- because while this house is very different- the few of my friends that have been here at my new house so far have commented to me that they feel the same here.

but actually as i think about it- i guess i think it's not so much attributed to any great skill i have in making people feel welcome- as it's more that for the most part- what the people who come into my home bring to it. their own ability to make themselves comfortable where they are and then i respond to it. it's the opposite of "garbage in- garbage out."

so to make up my own quote "home is maybe the one place where you can keep anyone or anything you don't want in- out."

and i think that is what makes this place seem happy to me. and a comfortable house. i can start afresh from scratch and make it a place of happy memories only. and for now- my home.

wow. maybe i am.

2011-08-18T20:54:00.001-04:00

wow. maybe i am crazy. or wait, maybe i am psychic.

talk about a chills down your spine moment just a bit ago.

but the story starts this morning. around 11 with a phone call from a colleague who asked me to please come out to her school and take care of something. that someone was raising a fit about. i said "ok, i'll be there in a bit." and i finished what i was doing and started driving the most straightline route to the school. which actually isn't a straight road at all- it's a curvy road that bends around a river. and at one point you can't continue to follow the river anymore and you have to turn to cross a bridge to go over it or turn the other way and drive away from it. my school destination required me to go over the bridge.

now you need to know that right there near the bridge a year ago, in july i think two boys drowned while trying to save a friend that had fallen in the river. she was subsequently saved by another friend on the shore who used a stick to pull her in, but as i said- sadly the two boys drowned. (and it's not really a particular big or dangerous river and it's not like drownings happen in it very often.)

and i never noticed this before even while i drive this route probably 3 times a week that there had been two crosses placed there by the bridge. literally though i noticed them just today. on my way over to the school i was going to.

and i swear to you that i had the thought run through my head "something else might go bad here." which yeah- is a stupid way to phrase what i meant, but it's what my head said- just the same. and i had this eerie feeling. until i laughed at myself for thinking like a 12 year old lover of drama.

BUT get this- i get on facebook a bit ago and one of my fb friends posted that there has been a drowning out by the bridge.

and actually right now i don't know any of the details. one person is reporting that at least one person drowned but that someone else got pulled out. i'm sure i'll hear more later.

but how creepy creepy creepy is this? that i drove by there today, notice the crosses for the first time ever and the had what seems to be a premenatory thought.

anyway- you can think i'm crazy- but i'm telling you- if i think or dream tragedy about you- you might just want to listen.

i'm not crazy...

2011-08-17T22:26:00.003-04:00

there's a song i can't remember the name of- but a line in it says "i'm not crazy and you're not nice."

and for some reason the line has been playing over and over and over in my head today.

and maybe it was the tiny (big) victory of a judge in indiana calling our governor and state superintendent's attempt at writing our contracts to reflect slavery- "unconscionable" and throwing it out. it is true- i'm not crazy (anymore) and tony bennett and mitch daniels are not nice.

so maybe that's it- except for the fact that the line was playing in my head before i heard the ruling.

perhaps i'm psychic.

ha. but no kidding, despite the fact that i don't believe in such- sometimes i think i am. just a tiny tiny bit.

and yesterday i was actually feeling mighty strange and that is what led me to be goofing around looking at my horoscope that i talked about yesterday. because i just had this weird weird feeling that something significant had happened somewhere that i didn't know about. and i just couldn't put my finger on any reason i'd feel that way.

then it turns out today- i found out that something (besides the judge overturning the contracts) significant did happen to someone i know. not that it affects me really, but i think it's odd that i sensed something.

oh i'm probably just being stupid. as per usual. but anyway. back to "i'm not crazy and you're not nice." i'm just tryiig to figure out why that's played over and over in my head. it must mean something.