doffing a foolscap

i feel pretty sorry for that kid from notre dame. manti te'o. yes, i believe he's innocent and a victim. i don't believe he was in on it. and yes, i believe he's been a fool and been fooled. (i know there are people who don't, but i think they are wrong.)

so i feel sorry for him, because in the public eye, he is either seen as dishonest or as a complete idiot.

but, first, he's young. give him a break, just on that score. and second, i don't really care how old you get, almost anyone can be fooled by someone or something. and i think that when the heart is involved, there is so so so much of a chance of being made a fool. at any age.

so where does the kid go from here? is he going to be dogged all his life by this dumb event? no matter how much he achieves ever, is he always going to be mostly remembered as just the kid who was duped?

i hope not. i hope that those who are close to him, his friends and his family, make it clear and plain to him that he simply made a mistake believing in this person, and i hope they let him know that he is much more than that mistake. that's the only way to remove that foolscap from his head, i think. i don't think it's possible to take that cap off all by yourself.

and i want to thank some people in my life, who did just that for me, when i was feeling like for the rest of my life that when i looked in the mirror, all i'd ever see is that duncecap on my head. i want to thank them for helping me see that i had/have value and that i was/am a good person.

greys

so, it's to no one's surprise that lance armstrong was doping. just as people knew oj killed his wife, and you really didn't want your children around michael jackson, lance armstrong doped up to enhance his performance- this is a surprise to no one. a fact. and really, unless you were completely stupid, you knew it even before his confession.

but i was among those who really didn't want old lance to be guilty. not because i care about the sport of biking or lance, but because i was once comforted by something he said. it was after someone close to me died of cancer. and before she died, i was super aggravated with all the "pray for" people. i hated the thought that god might make people play the "game" of begging and praying for their lives or the lives of those they loved.

and after she died, i was super aggravated by those who said such things as "this" was part of "his" plan, just we could not understand it because we were stupid mortals. the people who set my teeth on edge the most were those that said that god had performed some miracle in their life, or that their own personal jesus had swooped in and saved their day.

truly an annoying thing to hear when "your own" personal jesus doesn't come in and save your day or make your dreams come true. makes you think "HEY, NO FAIR, jesus!"

also unfair is the deal where people tell you that you were being "tested" or "made stronger."

anyway in his "it's not about the bike" book, lance had the "audacity" to say that he really didn't attribute his being saved from testicular cancer by god. mostly he attributed his survival to good doctors and plain and simple luck, for which he had no explaination. i thought "thank YOU LANCE!" and "finally, AN HONEST PERSON talking about his recovery."

but here's the thing with people. they can be liars about one thing and truth tellers about others. people are usually not completely black or completely white. and i don't like that. i want people to be one or the other. simply bad. or simply good.

and i want that for myself too. it really upsets me to not be completely perfect, honest, and good. it aggravates the heck out of me that i can't be. that i've done wrong things, or made mistakes, (even if i was well-intentioned) and that quite often i think the worst of people. or that i can't forgive people for things.

i want things not to be grey. but since they aren't, i guess i will have to content myself with that while lance is a jerk, at one moment he said one thing that made sense to me. and that his being a "bad sportsman" doesn't negate what he once said.
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presto chango

yes. i deleted yesterday. yesterday's blog that is.

why? because it was too much. too much of how i no longer want to be. and it occurs to me that the reason i wrote it had to do with that i'd been "home."

and being back there always depresses me. and makes me depressing.

so now i've been back here (my new real home) for overnight and i feel set to rights. and i don't want that blog on here.

so read this. and don't weep. (-:

what are you doing today?

"what are you doing today?" i was asked about my birthday.

my answer was "whatever i want to and nothing i don't." was my answer.

which is mostly true. i am not doing anything i don't want to do, and i'm doing only things i want to do. i am not, however, doing everything i want.

simply because, as the stones sang, "you can't always get what you want."

i don't always think however, that "if you try, you get what you need" though. but then again, the stones didn't actually say that either, did they? what they actually said was "if you try, SOMETIMES, you get what you need."

to which i would say "and most times, you don't, no matter how hard you try or how sincere you are."

yes, i am a cynic. some would call me a pessimist. i would call myself a realist, i guess.

but so, here i was on the phone and my friend asking me "what are you going to do today?" with the strong insinuation that i ought to be doing something special for my birthday ON my birthday. and it's not like i'm feeling neglected by friends or family or anything. by the end of the week, i will have celebrated the event 4 (and maybe 5) times. just none of it on the actual day is all. but even so, i felt a bit defensive at my friend's question. a bit like a loser that she might feel sorry for.

except that i really don't really feel like a loser. i actually feel just fine and content. and if not a winner, at least a person who isn't 6 feet under or wanting to be.