hedgehogs and hegemony

“If somebody thinks they're a hedgehog, presumably you just give 'em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.” douglas adams

hegemony: preponderant influence or authority over others

so i'm thinking about how my life has turned out, and how my perception of myself has changed dramatically in the past few months.

and what has changed my perspective? sure, partially it's the move and the new environment. it's funny how getting out of hell on earth can do that for you. but part of it's that i've finally stopped letting someone's perspectives have the preponderant influence over me. and i've started to see myself as other people, (besides "him") see me, instead.

and apparently, these others- they don't see me as a hedgehog. or evil. or a bitch. or vile. or despicable. or whatever else i was called and presumed to be.

what a heady day it's been. some seriousness flattery and compliments coming my way. and. i'm feeling strong. and i'm feeling good. and i'm feeling appreciated for who i am and for what's in my heart. it's been a very long long time, since i've felt that way.

and it's not like people have shown me pictures of hedgehogs. and let me sort it all out by myself. i'm really not smart enough for that. instead, lately, people have shown me "pictures" of who i've been to them. and i'm starting to think- "hmmmm." and "maybe, maybe... THAT's what is really true."

and maybe the real definition of hegemony has more to do with cultural or political influence than an individual's influence over someone's personal perceptions of themself. but what can i say? hedgehogs and hegemony? who could resist how those two words sound together? not me.

a difference between day and night

you know, i've NEVER willingly been an early riser. but i'm starting to see the light. i'm starting to realize that mornings are actually quite nice.

you know what the trick is to enjoying the a.m.? i'm going to tell you. lean in here, so that you can hear...

the secret IS: ............ NOT BEING EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!

i never fully realized how exhausted i was before!!!!

in fact, i think the secret to enjoying almost everything in life is not being exhausted. and i'm sad for everyone who has never experienced this. i'm sad that i never experienced it before.

want to know another little secret about me? i have never enjoyed taking walks. i've tried to. i've wanted to. i've wanted to enjoy getting out in the fresh air, to walk a path, looking around at stuff. but i've never really liked it. whenever i have done it, i was always thinking that i'd be so so glad to get back home. and if i ever did it, it was because i thought i ought to get out and exercise or oxygen or i thought i at least ought not to be sitting on my butt. it was "i SHOULD to this," not "i want to do this."

but today? today, after work, it was nice out, and i went for a very long walk. an hour and a half of a walk. and i listened to npr and i enjoyed the sights of nature; i even looked at birds. and i peeked into people's backyards, and wondered about them and their lives. and it was delightful! and i would have kept going for much longer and not been bored, except that it was starting to get dark.

what a wonder! and the reason i suddenly liked walking? i really think it's because i'm NOT EXHAUSTED!!!

anyway, i really don't know how to act anymore. because everything that is in my life is stuff i enjoy. i love my new job. i love that it's part time, and that i'm not worn completely out when i finally get home, and yet, it's still what i consider "important work." i love my little apartment. i love that everything i need is within a few blocks from me. i love the people i've met. i LOVE not being tired beyond tired. and i am starting to love mornings. time for a nice cup of coffee, a little bit of reading and sitting in the sunshine before i take off for work. which is less than 2 minutes away. and then, a long walk when i get home? icing on this wonderful cake! it's all very sweet.

be wary

This is for a dear friend of mine. I haven't really said these things to her yet. I'm not sure if I should. However, these are the things i know.


1. Beware the man who can't/won't accept an apology or who sets conditions on apologies.

2. Beware the man who can't/won't issue an apology.

3. Beware the man who can't/won't deal with a challenge to his beliefs.

4. Beware the man who can't/won't be wrong.

5. Beware the man who can't/won't walk away from an argument, but also the man who can't/won't stay for the argument.

6. Beware the man who can't/won't listen and can't/won't give you the benefit of any doubt when you ask him to.

no thyme for me

i went to the grocery store and was taken with the fact that there was a sale on whole chickens. and i thought to myself. "hmm. chicken is damn cheap. i can eat for a long time on one whole chicken." and i reasoned to myself, that being half-retired meant that i had a lot of time and freedom on my hands and could thus spend my snowy friday afternoon roasting a chicken. and in my head, i made a kind of event out of it. i knew i had a nice bottle of white wine chilling already. i knew i had nothing planned for after work on friday. and i knew that i could damn well do what i wanted to. and if that included roasting a chicken and having a lovely supper- well, then i could. and i would.

and so i bought all the recommended cooking ingredients. and headed home with dinner plans.

but you should know- that i'm really not much of a cook. and have never really liked cooking all that much, if you want to know the truth. too much potential for complete disaster. too many critics. too much temptation to finish that chapter in a book or talk on the phone, and to let supper burn. wasted time.

so, it's rare for me to do something like this. but i was determined to do it anyway. and i went to the internet and looked up "how to roast a chicken." because even while i can (and have) roast a turkey like no one's business- i thought perhaps chickens might be different.

and so they are. in almost every recipe for roasted chicken, it calls for thyme. and my turkey recipe is thymeless.

i know so little about spices. parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. nice words to sing, but quite honestly, i couldn't tell you the difference between any of them. or what you use what for.

but because the internet said to, when i was at the store, i bought fresh thyme. and quite honestly, at the store, i don't like the smell of it. but hey, all the recipes say "use thyme, it's the bestest." and so i think "well maybe the crappy smell cooks out of it."

and i bring the thyme and the chicken and all the other ingredients home and this afternoon after i get home from work, i proceed to prepare my roast chicken. and i have to tell you that even while i'm offended by the recommended spice, that i'm pretty amused at the form of my little chicken, as i'm gussying it all up. i know all you vegetarians out ther will be disgusted, but im' thinking to myself, "you know? this little chicken body is oddly cute, in a way that a naked raw turkey is not."

and i'm thinking- "if it weren't for the feathers and the creepy bird eyes and beak,and if you could put fur on it and puppy dog eyes instead, it might make a cute little animal, actually."

but never mind all that. the point is that i proceed to follow the internet recipe for preparing a roasted chicken. with thyme.

and quite honestly, it was delicious. truly. but you know what? it would have been MORE delicious without the thyme. it was saved from being a perfect meal because of the thyme. and the next time i roast a chicken, i will leave out the thyme. i don't like it. no more thyme for me.

so why am i boring you with all this? well, quite honestly, it has almost nothing to do with chickens or thyme. it has to do with that while my little thymed chicken was in the oven, i sat down with a glass of wine and turned on a movie on tv.

it was an old movie starring barbara stanwick called "the gay sisters." and i was enchanted with it. old movies are a lot more intriguing really than most of what i see today.

but so anyway, there is a scene in the movie where two of the three gay(lord) sisters are getting hammered. they are getting hammered because of a big disappointment in their lives. and they are acting stupid, as hammered sisters will do. and the one, in exasperation, says to the other "where are all the little stars at dawn, fiona?" and fiona (barbara stanwick) answers "i don't know." and then "where's my girlhoood and the top of my head?" and then "and the first innnocence of my mind?"

and i'm sitting there with my wine and the smell of thyme, laughing and thinking "yeah fiona! these are all things that I WANT TO KNOW too!! ANSWERS PLEASE!"

but of course, it's the movies. and there are no answers. only happy "surprising" romantic endings. such as there never seem to be in real life.

and then the oven timer went off and i proceeded to enjoy my homecooked meal. with my wine pairing. and it was delicious. despite the thyme. but i'm still left here wondering "where are all the little stars at dawn? and where's my girlhood?and the top of my head?

because really, at this time in my life, i have no idea.