everything i need

so yeah. wintery weather has shut the whole state down. we are so-ordered not to go out. not to risk the sub zero temps. not to clog up the roadways.

and i've been very obedient. i went nowhere yesterday. no need or inclination. i had (and have) plenty of food, alcohol, duralogs, and all the other essentials.

what i should have done though, but didn't, was go out and clear off and behind my car in anticipation of how very much colder the air would be and how heavier the snow would be. silly, stupid me.

but all's well that ends well, because just as i was making a stab at it, the cute little couple that i live upstairs from came running up and said, "we will do that for you." and they claimed it was because they'd realized that i'd been the one who had been so generous to leave a shovel in the building entry way for all to use. i'd provided the "community shovel." anyway, so they did. they cleaned off my car. and dug around it so that i could actually back it out. and i'm sure i could have done it myself, if i'd have had to- but it likely wouldn't have taken me 3 hours- as opposed to their 20 minutes.

and so, thanks to them, if i absolutely had to- i could get out. but there is nothing i really need.

but i am starting to be guilty of craving things that i don't need, but also don't happen to have.

mostly food. for instance, i'd love to have some sweet pickles. or for that matter, some dill pickles. i'd love to have some beans for making chili, some clamato juice for making bloody mary's, some salami, some more cheese, some cottage cheese, some avocados, some tomatoes. some doritos. i must be craving tex/mex, huh?

the only non- food item, i'm worried about right now- is toothpaste. although, i can used baking soda if i need to. i've got plenty of that.

and i've got books, i've got heat, internet, hulu-plus and netflix. i've got everything i need.

just not everything i want. but that's no different than usual. it's rather like my life all the time.

Fantasy. Do not Attempt.

there's this car commercial (nissan, i think) where some commuters are in danger of being late until the beautiful woman driver takes things in her own hands and drives up a ramp and launches the car onto the top of a train, which carries them towards their destination. the last shot shows them getting there (whereever there is) early.

and at the bottom of the tv screen, there runs the warning "Fantasy. Do not Attempt."

and you think "duh." until you remember just how many really stupid people there are out there. including myself.

no, i would never be brave enough and or dumb enough to drive like that. i can rarely bring myself to go over the speed limit even. but yeah, once upon a time, i thought perhaps that dreams would come true for me. and i attempted to allow myself to dream.

and yeah. that didn't work out so well. you should never attempt to live out a fantasy. because the difference between the dream and the crashing reality is really just too wide a chasm to ever get over.

so now i don't deal in fantasy. at all. everything is, just what it is. and will continue to be, exactly what it is. and i stick firmly to that.

Fantasy. Do NOT attempt. my motto.

ever have that feeling?

ever have that feeling that you dodged a bullet? well tonight, in a way, i did. literally.

i was scheduled to work an intake down at one of our centers. and i wasn't really very happy about it because i didn't want to go back to work until next week. i was kind of mad at myself because earlier in the year, i'd actually scheduled it myself. so i didn't feel like i could ask to change it. so i was quite glad when a week or so before christmas, the director of the center asked to reschedule it to next week.

and so yeah, i was really happy to not have to go down there to work tonight. but really happy turned to "wow" when one of my coworkers texted me to tell me that there was a fatal shooting at the center today, right at the time that we were scheduled to start our intake.

so whew for me. but it's very sad. the person who was shot was just a kid. an 18 year old.

then i was told that they would understand if i didn't want to go down there to work anymore, that they'd look for another assignment. and well, you know? i'm not sure if maybe i'll feel differently and more frightened tomorrow, but at the moment i'm not feeling afraid.

i'm just feeling sad. ever have that feeling?

on pouring out your anger

my sister in law and i, along with two of her children, spent a quiet new year's. dinner, watching a basketball game, doing a puzzle, trying to get a fire going in her fireplace. some nice wine.

at some point during the puzzling, she told me how some people she knew were airing out their grief, anger, and sadness over a break-up on facebook. and i agree with her. it's just unseemly.

but i think that perhaps i'm not much better. i mean, i never vomited (and never would) on facebook, it's true. but lord knows that i've done it here. and i used to in other places. in place where i at least thought i was anonymous. at least i never ever named names.

but the thing is. emotions so raw and feelings so intense have to go somewhere. they really do. and you really long for someone/anyone to understand how you feel. you want people to be on your side. and to understand how you were wronged. you want some empathy. you want some relief for yourself, from the pain of it all. and sooner or later the thousands you spend on private counseling, run out.

and so it's understandable that it might spill out publicly, even if it's not at all dignified, and you will regret it.

that urge to regurgitate does lessen later (thankfully) but quite honestly, it never quite goes away. even now i struggle regularly not to spill out the contents of my heart here. and often when i'm chattering away here about pretty much nothing at all, it's only to keep my fingers busy, so that they won't betray exactly what i'd like to say. still.

but i do think i've quelled my feelings of being betrayed and hurt down to a low enough simmering point that with the continual stirring through writing, they will never rise up to the boiling point ever again.

i'm proud of that really. because it's been hard work. very hard work.

but i have to tell you, that mostly what drives me to work that hard is that i don't want to be that guy (gal) who vomits all over facebook. or anywhere else publicly. as i think that would make me look all the worse. and already i feel very pathetic for even still carrying this anger or any of these feelings at all.