dumb and dumber

so, i'm feeling pretty stupid tonight. fact is, i'm not the sharpest crayon in the box. and i know that. but it sometimes hits me harder than other times.

i think what upsets me more than anything is that even if one isn't endowed with a superior amount of grey matter, you can at least develop what you do have. and heaven knows, i haven't. i haven't even tried.

i've been lazy. almost all my life. and i'm rather ashamed of that. i think part of the problem is that when i was very young, things came fairly easy to me. then about the time i began to be challenged, i ceased to care very much. and i only consciously learned what i absolutely had to. i even ceased to be curious about much of anything.

and now, i'm indeed sorry for that. for wasting so much time in my life. and now, my extreme ignorance, leaves me quite unclear even where to start to not waste the rest of the time i have left.

it's not that i don't want to have fun and goof off anymore. i do. but i just think now that when you close your mind, as i have, you close your opportunities for such things as fun, as well. and that maybe i'd be less bored and have more fun if i knew more stuff.

am i making any sense?

what's got me thinking about this? well, it started on friday when i went to see a movie and there was a literary reference in it, that i vaguely knew. and that's good. but what occurred to me was that there were people in this world that could actually from memory quote such things. i can't from my own head, quote much of anything. so even while i recognized the quote, i started thinking that i knew little about the background of the quote or the poem from which it was pulled from.

and it just seems to me that i should become more educated. and part of what makes me think that is then on Saturday, someone paid me a compliment and told me "you know, that was quick thinking. you're really smart. i would have never of thought of that."

and well, thanks. for the compliment. but truth is- even if i have a tiny bit of innate ability, which is tiny indeed, i haven't done much with it. i just don't know much of anything. I've never taken the time or effort to learn much of anything.

and that's not very smart.

but where do i start? there's so very much to learn. where do i begin?

who will i be?

for that matter - "who am i?"

a very many of my friends who have known me a long time claim that i'm a very calm person. on the other hand, there are quite a few that would say that i can be quite emotional, and that i can get angry as easily as the next person. and then, look out. ill-advised words will be spoken.

i'm not sure it's wrong to get angry. it's a feeling. as "they" say, feelings are never wrong. but i guess what it comes down to is how you are able to deal with anger.

and let's face it, my past efforts on containing anger have not always been stellar. and i can tell you for certain that even as many times as i've allowed my anger to show and surface, there are multitudes more times when i've kept that anger suppressed. suppression, i can tell you, is just not good for the soul. it makes the soul sick, i know.

and so there was a point in my life, because of that, that i vowed to be more upfront and open about when i was angry. and what i was angry about.

sadly, however, i was definitely not good at walking that fine line between expressing the feeling and not stepping on other's toes. and if you must know, there are times when i actually think that people should feel your wrath (non-violently, of course) and that they should take responsibility for making you feel that way, by taking what you dish out.

maybe that's not really mature. but it's what i feel.

but i strive for maturity. i strive for the ability to turn the other cheek, rather than seeking revenge. i strive for the ability to understand that others might (although, not always) have good reasons for behaving the way that they do. i strive to maintain relationships with people. and i strive for forgiveness for and from people. i try to say that i'm sorry when i've been in the wrong. i try to accept when i've been wrong. i've never been of the opinion that you should throw away people or throw away friendships or love over anger. I think that shows immaturity, equal to no other. and i've little to no respect for people who do that.

and yeah. it's hard. and what it's come down to nowadays is that i stop and decide "who will i be?"

and so yesterday, i was incited to anger. It's a long story, and I won't bother to retell it all, but it broke out over the refusal of the apartment maintenance staff to deal with a snow removal issue. and when i decided to take care of it myself and then a maintenance staff worker came to yell at me for doing it wrong, there was a moment, when i put down my shovel, and i stepped towards him with some fairly choice words for him. (this is what i'm leaving out even while it might amuse you to hear the actual exchange.) and then i dared all 6'2" of him, with my 5'2" 100 lb glare, to make the next move. well, his move was to take the shovel from me and undo all the work i'd done.

to say that i saw a flash of blue hot anger before my eyes is no exaggeration. i was beyond incredulous at his action. my squinty eyes had to have grown as large as saucers. thinking that if i just opened my eyes wider, that i'd believe what i was seeing.

and right then, he and i both had to decide who we were. well, he ended up being a "take your shovel and (literally) run" kind of guy, and i ended up being a "get another shovel and shovel some more, kind of person."

but i also started writing a letter in my head. to the management company. and later that night, after an evening out and a fair amount of wine, i finished the last revision. and i tell you, it's a work of art. all of it's true. none of it is sarcastic. and none of it makes any assumptions about what I expect to be done. but, it will also likely get the guy fired.

and now i have to decide again "who am i?" am i the person who gets a low wage wimpy guy fired for being an ass? or am i the kind of person who realizes that the guy had probably just worked a 12 hour shift of snow removal and he was tired and he took it out on me? i have to decide, "who am i?" and "who will i be?"

........

so let's continue with the "nice things" jar.

my work got cancelled again today, and one of my co-workers invited me over for dinner. it's nice to have a new friend.

the mail got delivered finally again. and quite a few birthday cards showed up. nice.

my car got stuck trying to drive out of the apartment complex, and a nice guy stopped, hopped out of his car and pushed me free.

when i got back to my apartment tonight, there was a (shoveled) space still free.

my plans for this weekend got cancelled, but were quickly replaced by other plans.

i'm having lunch tomorrow with one of my favorite people in the whole world.

i got to the grocery store today and got myself some pickles. and some toothpaste.

maybe all this doesn't seem like much to you. but you know what? it's nice enough for me.

born into the ice age

it's my birthday! and my mother emails me to remind me that when i was born the weather was so very cold that they would not allow her to leave the hospital for a week.

and here it is xx years later, and we are in the midst of a polar vortex. i was scheduled to work both this morning and this evening, but that's all cancelled. and it's so icy frozen that there is not much thought on my part of going out. it's the ice age again.

and so, this may be the first birthday of my life that i will spend completely alone.

you might think this would be depressing. but i'm not really depressed about it. i'm enjoying the extra days of sloth. the wine stock is holding out; there are still duralogs; i am among those with heat and electricity. i've talked to my daughter, and i woke up (sleeping in) to a multitude of facebook birthday wishes and a number of texts. i don't feel alone or neglected.

and in fact, i actually feel quite good. and maybe even, dare i say it, a bit optimistic about the new year.
in fact, i decided last night that i would begin a trendy "happiness jar" where you write down the good parts of each day to save to look at whenever you are feeling down and blue. or just when you want to.

and i'm just feeling more in the mood to do this. sometimes i'm noticing nice things, these days.

except i don't really have a jar. and i see no reason to waste good paper and ink when i can just write things down here.

so here is a start to my virtual jar:

yesterday as i went out to try to dig out my buried and frozen car yesterday, the cute little couple downstairs came running out to tell me they would do it. they claimed it was in thanks for me providing "the community snow shovel" earlier in the week, which they'd used several times. but i just think it was because they are nice.

i have the day off. enough said.

my daughter called last night, and we talked of plans for my travel to see her and her sweet, handsome husband this summer. i am looking forward to this heartily! she also sent me the most delightful birthday card ever. it made me laugh and laugh. it is only rivaled by the happy shiny milk people card she sent me some years back.

my son and grandson called just now to wish me a happy birthday. my grandson laughed with delight to hear how the complete stranger at the colt's comeback game picked me up off the ground and shook me because he was so happy.

my son and his family gave me hulu plus for my birthday so i can from now on watch the daily show and the colbert report each night again.

i will be seeing one of my best friends later this week. and hopefully 3 others of my besties this saturday.

i am close to the end of this very good book, that i will now sit down with a glass of wine and finish.

happy birthday to both me and the ice age. as i freeze these moments in time.