calm during the storms

something seems to have fundamentally changed about me. i have ideas as to why. but i find it strange all the same.

it seems that i'm quite calm. all the time and in most any event. before, during, and after. i used to not be like that. i used to have high, high, high anxiety about almost everything. i was usually worse after the event. thinking about all that might have happened. most people that knew me never knew i was that nervous though. only the people really close to me. but i was nervous about all manner of things.

things like flying. getting places on time. making phone calls. meeting new people. social situations. storms.
the list goes on.

but you know what? i just traveled half way around the world and on trains, planes, and automobiles. oh and busses. and i met new people. in various social situations. and i wasn't nervous or anxious once.

and today, i was right in the middle of a tornado warning. a tornado apparently flew right over me here where i live. and you know what? i wasn't nervous, before-during-or after. i was and am completely calm.

i kind of think it's because i just don't care anymore. about much of anything. and i kind of think that before i used to be more worried about the effects to others, such as and especially my children.

but honestly, i don't really have to worry about them anymore. they are grown up, on their own, and doing well. and even my grandchild. i don't really worry about because his parents firmly have that all covered. and he's old enough now that he has some sense of his own. so none of it is on me.

and i just feel calm. all the time. maybe i'd better check my pulse. perhaps i'm dead.

Iustitia

so never in my long life have i been summoned for jury duty. until now. i just got this summons in the mail. and i almost threw it out just now, thinking it was junk mail. and quite honestly, i kinda thought it would be interesting to be on jury duty. i know. i'm the only person in the world that would think that.

but here's the problem. i won't be in town when they want me to serve. so now i have to figure out how to get out of jury duty because i'm just not sure being on vacation will be considered a hardship. so i guess i'll figure all that out tomorrow.

anyway, as i said, i was kind of interested in being a juror, if only to see if it's anything like it's portrayed on tv. and i'm curious to see if juries are only filled with people too stupid to get out of jury duty. maybe they'll defer my time to later so i can find out.

not a wink

i write this, juice bottle in hand. i have been up all night. i haven't slept a wink. what have i done? well, i unpacked. i ran the dishwasher. i wrote people on the computer. i put away all the laundry. i sorted out all the gifts i have for people. i finished 200 pages of a book. i made a grocery list. i played solitaire scrabble on my kindle. i sat on my deck staring at the moon. i took a bath. i washed my hair. i listened to the birds singing before the dawn. i looked at my pictures from my trip. i looked at my souvenirs. i staked my tomato plant.

i did a bunch more stuff too. but what i didn't do was sleep. my system is all messed up i guess. i slept not a wink on the plane on the way home. then i went to bed at 11 that night and slept until my son woke me up at noon. then i went to lunch, and i hung around at my mother's house before going to a little league game and then driving back here. thinking, of course, that i would then get a good night's sleep.

well, as you know, that was just a silly thought. because i slept not a wink.

and i've decided that since i have to work tomorrow that i won't sleep the rest of today either. so as not to mess myself up further. i'll just go to bed at 9 pm or some such ridiculous hour. when here, it's still light out.

what will i do in the meantime? well, i guess i'll go to that work meeting that i said i'd miss. i'll deliver some gifts. i'll go to the grocery store. i'll cook myself a meal. i'll vacuum. i'll go for a walk. i'll ride my bike to the library and return the book i finished and get another one.

what i won't do is sleep. not a wink.

Limited good fortune in a magical place

do you believe in magic?

my daughter's adopted country seems to me to be a magical place. magical for me in that almost everything i know about it delights me. it's beautiful and yet not at all perfect. which makes it even more beautiful. it's quirky and yet traditional. the people seem kind- yet distant and in a hurry. and i think also, part of the magic in this place is that i believe it's where my daughter has found something close to, if not exactly, true happiness- in this world. and that i think is something that is reserved for so few of us. and something that i feel she deserves more than almost anyone. i adore her husband. he is kind, sweet, smart, funny, and an honest to goodness- gentleman. and so it's very hard not to love a country which produced him and then put him in her path. very magical, i think.

and then, part of the magic for me is that this is a place that holds only good memories for me. i have been here 4 times now, and i can't think of one single moment that anything here caused me any unhappiness. (well, except for that Ferris wheel.)

so today we traveled to a part of this country that i had never been to before. and we went to a park where deer peacefully stroll about rather heaven-like grounds. and we visited a shrine. where they were selling fortunes. and the heading of my fortune said, "Limited Good Fortune." and i'm thinking, "well, that sucks."

but actually, it was only very slightly limited. i actually thought all of it was pretty good. and i'm going to write it all out here- partially because if i lose the little piece of paper then i'll always have it to remind me of the magic here.

here are my fortunes, by category:

Your desire: thanks to the help of others, it will turn out as you hope. Prospects excellent. (cool.)

The awaited one: will come, in spite of some difficulties. (hmm.)

Lost objects: look for a woman's advice. (ok.)

Journeys: a good time for setting out. ((-:)

Trade: profits will result, through the assistance of someone else. (yippee- profits!)

Agriculture: prospects excellent. Fulfillment of your hopes. (maybe this means my plants won't die while i'm gone?)

Directions: south is especially auspicious. (i've always been fond of south; it's usually warmer there.)

Quarrels: uncertain at first, but improvement in your favor later on. (I will be proven right in the end; sweet.)

Employees and dependents: hesitation is advised. (i don't have any employees or dependents, so no worries.)

Change of residence: it would be best to keep to your present home. (i had just been considering moving, but was leaning against it. and it seems my fortune believes i shouldn't too.)

Birth: easy. Be assured. (i've already been born. don't believe in being born again, so ?)

Illness: will be cured, although it may seem serious. (YAY for cures.)

Love and marriage: will not reach a conclusion so soon as hoped, but will turn out well in the end if you are patient. (well, i wanted to be married years ago, what's a little more time? and even if this never proves true, i believe now that i am quite strong and happy in my independence.)

so i believe i will take my "limited good fortune" and believe in this magic.