back to the future

"one faces the future with one's past." so said Pearl S. Buck.

the latest facebook quiz i took was "How strong are you?" not physically strong- psychologically strong.

and here are my results: Your resiliency level is: supremely gifted. You are mentally unswerving. You are able to overcome difficult situations and remain cool, calm, and collected. It always amazes people from the outside, but you know how to control your emotions. You are always prepared to seek solutions and get back on track. You almost never let disappointments deter you from what you want -- instead, you stay focused and plan to be successful. The hardships you've faced in your life have been instrumental in developing this kind of amazing strength and perseverance within you.

and while i wouldn't say i plan these days to be successful as in accomplishing any great feat or getting rich, i do plan the best i know how to make sure i never have to live under a bridge or anything. and in general i think this description of me is pretty much true. didn't used to be. but now- i'm the strongest i've ever been in my life. i'm a pretty tough cookie these days, really.

i'd have traded some of this strength though for having a less complicated life. but what ya gonna do? you're who you are because of your past. and you face the future with your past.

and so i wouldn't want to tempt fate by saying, "bring it on" but i do guess i'll survive whatever disaster is coming next.

ghosts of

"Reflect on your present blessings on which every man has some, not on your past misfortunes on which all men have some." charles dickens

oh. there are those times, those moments- when your heart is full. such is right now for me.

i am truly blessed with the best family. with the best friends. with such riches and fortunes that you just have to cry out, as if there were a god, and say, "thank you for all that i have."

i LOVE my daughter. i LOVE my son in law!

i LOVE my son! i LOVE his wife! i LOVE my grandson!

i LOVE my mother!

i LOVE LOVE LOVE my friends.

i am the luckiest, most blessed person in the whole of the wide world.

yes, i have some bitter bitter things and hateful losses in my life. but all these things that i'm so grateful for chase those scary ghosts away.

i did my best; it wasn't much

But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah


those are lines from leonard cohen's hallelujah, of course. and what made me think of it was that i heard it on the radio tonight. the kd lang version and also an israeli singer's version.

but truly there is no version like leonard singing it himself.

this music with these lyrics and that voice- exquisite.

"Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah"

and i think it's a rare person who doesn't think this is one of the best song's ever. because it really is.

but here's the thing- of all the people i know in the world or have even met in the world- it's quite likely that i can count exactly 4 who have ever even heard of the song.

i suppose i know all the wrong people. i don't know. but it seems peculiar to me that there are few songs that speak so perfectly of being human, yet most the humans i know have never heard it.

and i suppose i'd ruin the song for myself if i ever read the critical interpretations of the lyrics. i'm sure they'd all probably say i have it all wrong- but here's what i think the song's about-

that life sucks and thank heavens or something else inexplicable for it.

that's how i see life anyway. that it sucks, but somehow i've again worked myself around to being awfully glad to be alive.

"I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah"

Pieceful

here's something you didn't know about me.

it's that i love to do jigsaw puzzles.

yes, those old fashioned, boring, tedious, mind-numbing, addictive jigsaw puzzles.

and here's what's funny. i've always loved doing them, but i very seldom do them. i don't even think i had very many of them around when the kids were growing up. i guess because there never seemed like their was any leisure time back then.

But you'd have thought that when the kids dumped me for their own lives, i would have gone straight to the dollar store to pick up a bunch of them. and had one going at all times.

and you would have thought when the so-called great guy dumped me, i'd have gone on a puzzle bender.

but you know what? i didn't. once in awhile at christmas i'd get this old christmas one out. but that was mostly it.

and i don't know why. just never occurred to me, i guess.

but all the sudden about three weeks ago, i was walking past them at the target. and i thought, "hmm."

and so now i've got one going on my dining room table. and here's what it is. it's soothing.

it's soothing and settling. and calming. and cozy. and it's always waiting for me when i come back from where-ever i go. it's constant. but not in an annoying way.

and you know why, i think? because it's something you can concentrate on but it's not hard. and it's something that you know that you'll have success at. there's no time limit, no buzzers, no bells, no nail-biting moments, no anxious, nervous fears, and you know darn well in the end that you're going to win.

it's everything that the real world is not.

so here's what i think would be a great business. a puzzle pub/bar. where you could go and order a bottle of wine or beer if you can stomach the stuff and sit with strangers (and only strangers- you couldn't bring friends and if you did, they'd have to sit at other tables) and do puzzles together.

don't you think that sounds very cool? i'd go there everyday. right after work. of course somedays i'd drink tea or apple cider or ginger ale or something. because the main thing would be the puzzles.

i think if i started one of these bars, i'd call it "Pieces." Just so people could say, "i'm going to pieces."