there's this guy i work with who is just delightful. He's maybe in his 30's and he's gay. And he's the most upbeat, positive, sweet, energetic, enthusiastic, and kind person I've ever encountered. And he's not fake either. He's through and through exactly genuinely all of this. He doesn't have a dark side. It's nevr dark anywhere he is.
And he must have been raised by hippies or something because he believes in sunshine and rainbows and wearing a smile at all times. And it's apparently his mission in life to make everyone feel good about themselves. He has a compliment for everyone. If there's good, he'll find it and point it out. and he makes you feel like you are the most special person he's ever laid eyes on.
Tonight I walked into the room and he says, "oh! You're here!! And you are just adorable! Look at you! I always love to see you because you always look so perfect." I laughed and protested, " Don't be silly. I'm wearing jeans and a t shirt for Pete's sake. I wasn't even expecting to come in tonight. I have my grungy at home clothes on."
"Oh, but you're the kind of person who can throw on anything and wear it! You have a style about you." And then he turns to anoth coworker and says, "isn't she? Isn't she the kind of person who can do that? She just glows, doesn't she?" Turning back to me, "All the time, you just glow, you're that kind of person. You have that kind of beauty that just glows."
So it's hard to know what to say to such. So I say, "you're so sweet." And then he beams. He literally beams. So he's beaming and according to him, I'm glowing. And the funny thing is this- even though I know that I'm really rather mousy and goofy looking, somehow I believe him just a tiny teensy bit. I think maybe i am glowing, just a little bit at least. And even now, I feel a little like I'm glowing here in the dark.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Friday, September 11, 2015
The first tear
The wise folks on Pinterest inform me of lots of things. How to turn crayons into candles, how to tell if someone is lying, 127 uses for baking soda and vinegar. Facts about dogs.
Of course I believe it all. Because I'm gullible. And I believed this little fact right up until yesterday afternoon- that when you cry, if you're sad, the tears will fall from your left eye first. If you're happy- from the right.
So I believed that up until yesterday when I was reading something that was exceedingly sad to me. It was something about 9/11. And I can assure you of these things- It made me sad. It made me cry. And the first tear streamed from my right eye.
I don't like to cry. And truth be told, I rarely do. I cry much less than the typical man even. According to pinterest. Which also claims that women cry far more than men.
But really. I don't cry much. There was an era of mine where it was hard to stop myself, it's true. But that involved menopause and the fact that a person I loved crushed my soul and that i was grieving To start with. So, that explains that era. But before and after that- it really can be said that nothing much made or makes me cry.
And if I do cry, it's usually more because of frustration or anger. And it's usually brief.
But yesterday. It was sad. The deep kind. The quiet kind. The kind where if someone was behind you And couldn't see your face- they'd never suspect you were crying.
But so anyway. That's how I know that pinterest is wrong. Either that or I am. Just a wrong mixed up person. Because the first tear fell from my right eye.
Of course I believe it all. Because I'm gullible. And I believed this little fact right up until yesterday afternoon- that when you cry, if you're sad, the tears will fall from your left eye first. If you're happy- from the right.
So I believed that up until yesterday when I was reading something that was exceedingly sad to me. It was something about 9/11. And I can assure you of these things- It made me sad. It made me cry. And the first tear streamed from my right eye.
I don't like to cry. And truth be told, I rarely do. I cry much less than the typical man even. According to pinterest. Which also claims that women cry far more than men.
But really. I don't cry much. There was an era of mine where it was hard to stop myself, it's true. But that involved menopause and the fact that a person I loved crushed my soul and that i was grieving To start with. So, that explains that era. But before and after that- it really can be said that nothing much made or makes me cry.
And if I do cry, it's usually more because of frustration or anger. And it's usually brief.
But yesterday. It was sad. The deep kind. The quiet kind. The kind where if someone was behind you And couldn't see your face- they'd never suspect you were crying.
But so anyway. That's how I know that pinterest is wrong. Either that or I am. Just a wrong mixed up person. Because the first tear fell from my right eye.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
So yesterday
So yesterday. It was an important day. In someone's life. Not so much in mine. That's not to say it was a bad day. Had a nice visit from my brother and sister in law. And celebrated the birthday of my one x sis in law at a nice new restaurant. All good. And a good time was had by all.
But it wasn't necessarily an important day for me. In the grand scheme of things. But if it was an important day for you, i wish you well. Even if i shouldn't.
But it wasn't necessarily an important day for me. In the grand scheme of things. But if it was an important day for you, i wish you well. Even if i shouldn't.
Friday, August 7, 2015
Crossing the lines
So, i crossed over a line the other day. A personal line of behavior that i set for myself. The line wasi would never call someone a derogatory name or assign them a derogatory classification in public. That goes for individuals and for groups. I will allow myself to call someone's actions stupid though, because i don't think that's unkind or unfair to state my belief or my personal judgment that an action is stupid or any other adjective I might use.
Some might say my line is too fine and i should refrain from that too. But that's not how I feel about it, so it's not where I draw my personal line.
anyway, I'm not going to argue that with you. If you think that makes me a bitch or unkind or that I think I'm a god or something, that's ok. That's your opinion. It's just not mine. If you'd like some shinier penny who walks like she's on a rainbow and talks like a flower all the time, you go on ahead. And marry her. That's just not me. And i don't think it's healthy.
That all said- i will actually really hold back a critique, if I know the person who committed the action is sick or injured, is grieving,or cognitively disabled or mentally ill. I'm at least that kind ok? and even if you give me no reason to hold back, another line i draw is that i will try to make it known that any judgment of your behavior is my opinion only. I will say that I could probably do a better job of that than I do. Sometimes I give you enough or too much credit for knowing that. And I shouldn't.
So now- all that said! I will tell you how I crossed my line the other day. And why. And the why is NOT an excuse; simply a notation so you'll understand my thoughts.
So, I'll start with why. It started with my answering in the comment section, my thoughts on someone's FB posts. Actually, it wasn't a statement, it was a question. But it was the kind of question that implied my thought while it asked. And so someone answered. Not with a question or an answer or a rebuttal, but with an insult to me.
Some other people joined the thread and made arguments. I ignored her insult and answered the other posts. But then, she insulted me again. So this time, i spoke up for myself. And all was ok until later in the discussion, I cited an article. And wham. She came at me again.
At this point, I was plenty angry, but I knew that a bully can feed off your answers if they are not strong enough. And quite honestly, by this time, I was fairly convinced that while maybe she wasn't cognitively disabled,she wasn't all that bright. But I was still angry, so i pleaded my case to the originator of the thread. Telling him, that since he knew her, he needed to get her to stop OR I was afraid my anger was going to get the better of me. And if it did- I was quite convinced I would take it upon myself to annihilate her, verbally.
The person took the thread down. Ended it. But, I was still angry because he hadn't really stood up to the bully and told her that her behavior was out of line. I felt that he should. As my friend. And as a bystander to bullying.
So suffice it to say. I was angry. And admittedly immature about it. And in a post about something similar as the original topic, i labelled Republicans as stupid.
Childish, oh hell yes. Over my personal line. You betcha. But, I did it all the same.
And i am both sorry and ashamed. As I should be. And I am vowing to try to never, even if angry, cross that line again. I hope to be successful.
Here's what I am up against though. In my heart of hearts, where I can be true with my feelings, I actually do think a lot, if not most Republicans are just not very bright. And the ones that I think might be bright, i think are either ignorant, delusional, or worst of all- uncaring and unkind and selfish. I am stressing first that this is ONLY my opinion. And I am stressing second that I realize I'm crossing my line right this second. Just know though, that I'm only crossing it because I am trying to help you understand why my vow is a hard thing for me. In the same way, it's difficult for someone consumed with racism to hold themself back from behaving as a racist, it's hard for me to hold back my beliefs.
Another thing that makes this hard is that I'm human. And when I'm sick or stressed or grieving or angry or hurt, I am pretty weak. And while I believe it is still my responsibility to find a way to cope with any of those things, I truly am not mother theresa and I know it. So, hopefully on any day that I might slip, you will be. And you'll forgive.
Once in a land far away and in a time that was fictional, i voiced an opinion about something to a person who I loved, very much. An action, more or less. But because i was anxious and I was writing quickly, i dropped a comma from what I was saying. That comma would have made what i said what I really wanted to say. That I thought someone was trying to make a buck off his worries and concerns at the expense of those worries and concerns. The lack of comma made it sound like I was insulting him personally. When I explained, i was told I was forgiven. But the truth of the matter is that I never really was. And it later became plaster in a wall between us.
And so maybe I am still wrong to judge or express my judgments or opinions. But here's a rub with that. If I don't do that, I feel that I'm not speaking up against evil. Whether it is real or only my perception. So, in the end, I still have to keep my line where it is. I just really need to do a much better job of not crossing my line.
Some might say my line is too fine and i should refrain from that too. But that's not how I feel about it, so it's not where I draw my personal line.
anyway, I'm not going to argue that with you. If you think that makes me a bitch or unkind or that I think I'm a god or something, that's ok. That's your opinion. It's just not mine. If you'd like some shinier penny who walks like she's on a rainbow and talks like a flower all the time, you go on ahead. And marry her. That's just not me. And i don't think it's healthy.
That all said- i will actually really hold back a critique, if I know the person who committed the action is sick or injured, is grieving,or cognitively disabled or mentally ill. I'm at least that kind ok? and even if you give me no reason to hold back, another line i draw is that i will try to make it known that any judgment of your behavior is my opinion only. I will say that I could probably do a better job of that than I do. Sometimes I give you enough or too much credit for knowing that. And I shouldn't.
So now- all that said! I will tell you how I crossed my line the other day. And why. And the why is NOT an excuse; simply a notation so you'll understand my thoughts.
So, I'll start with why. It started with my answering in the comment section, my thoughts on someone's FB posts. Actually, it wasn't a statement, it was a question. But it was the kind of question that implied my thought while it asked. And so someone answered. Not with a question or an answer or a rebuttal, but with an insult to me.
Some other people joined the thread and made arguments. I ignored her insult and answered the other posts. But then, she insulted me again. So this time, i spoke up for myself. And all was ok until later in the discussion, I cited an article. And wham. She came at me again.
At this point, I was plenty angry, but I knew that a bully can feed off your answers if they are not strong enough. And quite honestly, by this time, I was fairly convinced that while maybe she wasn't cognitively disabled,she wasn't all that bright. But I was still angry, so i pleaded my case to the originator of the thread. Telling him, that since he knew her, he needed to get her to stop OR I was afraid my anger was going to get the better of me. And if it did- I was quite convinced I would take it upon myself to annihilate her, verbally.
The person took the thread down. Ended it. But, I was still angry because he hadn't really stood up to the bully and told her that her behavior was out of line. I felt that he should. As my friend. And as a bystander to bullying.
So suffice it to say. I was angry. And admittedly immature about it. And in a post about something similar as the original topic, i labelled Republicans as stupid.
Childish, oh hell yes. Over my personal line. You betcha. But, I did it all the same.
And i am both sorry and ashamed. As I should be. And I am vowing to try to never, even if angry, cross that line again. I hope to be successful.
Here's what I am up against though. In my heart of hearts, where I can be true with my feelings, I actually do think a lot, if not most Republicans are just not very bright. And the ones that I think might be bright, i think are either ignorant, delusional, or worst of all- uncaring and unkind and selfish. I am stressing first that this is ONLY my opinion. And I am stressing second that I realize I'm crossing my line right this second. Just know though, that I'm only crossing it because I am trying to help you understand why my vow is a hard thing for me. In the same way, it's difficult for someone consumed with racism to hold themself back from behaving as a racist, it's hard for me to hold back my beliefs.
Another thing that makes this hard is that I'm human. And when I'm sick or stressed or grieving or angry or hurt, I am pretty weak. And while I believe it is still my responsibility to find a way to cope with any of those things, I truly am not mother theresa and I know it. So, hopefully on any day that I might slip, you will be. And you'll forgive.
Once in a land far away and in a time that was fictional, i voiced an opinion about something to a person who I loved, very much. An action, more or less. But because i was anxious and I was writing quickly, i dropped a comma from what I was saying. That comma would have made what i said what I really wanted to say. That I thought someone was trying to make a buck off his worries and concerns at the expense of those worries and concerns. The lack of comma made it sound like I was insulting him personally. When I explained, i was told I was forgiven. But the truth of the matter is that I never really was. And it later became plaster in a wall between us.
And so maybe I am still wrong to judge or express my judgments or opinions. But here's a rub with that. If I don't do that, I feel that I'm not speaking up against evil. Whether it is real or only my perception. So, in the end, I still have to keep my line where it is. I just really need to do a much better job of not crossing my line.
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