getting by

we've covered this ground before. and so likely i'll be boring you. but whatever. i don't really care about you. (-:
as i told you last post, i had not been in a very good mood for a bit. but, i had several gatherings with old friends in the last few days. and that helped considerably. much as i hate to admit it, it helps me to process things if i socialize. even if i don't really ever talk about what i'm thinking, i gain perspective on life.

so some friends and i were out to dinner and back to one of the friends home the other night. and i'm not really even sure what brought up the conversation, but we got to discussing philosophies. and one of our group is a rather funny guy. on the surface, he seems almost simple. he never seems to think out thinks too deeply or worry to much about what other people think. but sometimes his thoughts are actually surprisingly complex for a person who usually just skims the surface of things. and he said something that i thought was quite compelling. and it prompted me to ask him the question, "so what do YOU think happens when people die?"

and it wasn't that i wanted to know the actual answer. because of course no one has the actual answer, but i was just really interested in what exactly he thought. because i thought his thoughts might be interesting and unusual. but that started the conversation of what everyone thought. and there were all manner of views about heaven etc. apparently, i'm the only one who just thinks you're nothing. or at least hopes that. and one of our group insisted that she'd had a near death experience and said that she's no longer afraid of dying- because it was so wonderful. and so then i asked, "well, ok, if you believe that, do you believe that everyone goes there, or do you think that "bad" people get punished somewhere else?

and that made one of our group burst into tears. (not too long ago, her sister had died of cancer. and her relationship with her sister had been complicated.)

at this point, we all instinctively turned the conversation back to lighter things. and i was sorry that i'd asked the questions.

so i spent the night at the one friend's house. and in the morning, we had a gals gab session about the night before. and we rehashed some of the conversations of the night and we discussed the death discussion and we both reflected that we thought it was highly unusual for this friend to "crack" and burst into tears. because this woman is perhaps the toughest, most resilient, most "get on and get over it" person anyone of us is ever likely to meet. and she's had no easy life. her father committed suicide when she was middle school aged. her mother remarried several times. she's had many a situation in her life from a young age and yet, she's always been the most grounded person we know. she never openly told me i was stupid for not getting over "the guy" but i do know she really thought that. because that's how she is. her view on it would be, "hey, he was a big old jerk to dump you, so waste no more of your life on him."

and so we were both mystified that this was the thing that our friend couldn't quite deal with with her usual even keel. not that it's not terrible to lose your sister to cancer, but why could she handle all the other stuff and not this? we did not have an answer. we were both simply glad that she has the most wonderful of husbands to help her handle it all.

and then we shared with each other some deaths that had fairly severely affected us. and that got us on to the subject of first holidays after the deaths of people you care about. and how those are really really hard. and she told me how the husband of a friend of hers who died around easter cringes at the thought of easter. or really any holiday. and she told me how her son in law can't stand christmas still because of the death of his mother. to the point where he finds it very hard to enjoy christmas with his sons. (her grandsons) and well, we resolved that we all just need to be more kind. and more understanding of people who are grieving at any time or for any reason. but that we need to be particularly kind and understanding around holidays. because they are just not times of joy for people who have a big old gaping hole in their hearts. and even the toughest of us can crack sometimes.

and why do i want to bore you with all this? because even while i'm sad that my friend is struggling, i take some comfort for myself in knowing that even the very toughest of us can crack a bit sometimes. because i've always felt like such an idiot. and it makes me feel better to just know i have friends that can help me feel better.

because i do feel better. and i guess sometimes, you really don't get on, but you at least get by.

the funk

for the last week or so, i've been in a worse mood than i've been in in a long time. no one really knows this. because my face has been on. and i've truly yet to meet the person who can really tell whether i'm really happy or not, when i am able to put a face on. i say that because there have been times in my life when i have been incapable of putting on that extra mask. and i'm not there in that place, and that's good.

but all the same, it feels really lonely that no one can tell the difference when i'm in a funk and when i'm not.

this is unfair. i realize that if i really wanted someone to care, the very least i could do is send up some kind of signal.

but i know myself. and i know that i won't. i'll keep feeling blue, until i work myself out of it. i won't ask for help. and i won't let on. because i just won't. it's how i am. and it's stupid. i know.

but i don't want sympathy. and i don't want advice. and that's pretty much what you get when you tell someone you are feeling blue.

so what do i want?

i want the weather to stop being crap.

i want my apartment complex to get rid of these stupid unlocky things to get into the buildings.

i want to be smarter.

i want to be less shy.

i want to not feel responsible for everything.

i want someone interesting to move in next door.

i want everyone i care about to be happy.

but really MOSTLY, i just want the weather to STOP being crap.

jocund company

yesterday i bought myself a small little pot of daffodils. i was at the grocery. i was sad. and there they were. for 3 whole dollars. i splurged. and bought a non-useful, non edible item.

flowers are not useful. well ok, they produce oxygen. and they will attract bees. and bees are good for us. people are worrying right now about bee extinction. because after the bees go, then we go.

but you definitely shouldn't eat a daffodil. they will poison you. so even if they are useful, they aren't edible.

i like daffodils though. mainly i like their color. but do i like daffodils because i like yellow? or do i like yellow because i like daffodils?

hard to say.

but they do make me feel better, sitting there by the window. so i guess you could call them anti-depressants also.

here is william wordsworth:

I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed--and gazed--but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

5 to 9

maybe i told you that i got it into my head to read dante's "inferno." one might wonder why i decided to do this. i am wondering why i decided to this.

someone did ask me and pretty much the only reason i could come up with is that rather than randomly (in my head) committing people that tick me off to a certain circle of hell, i thought i'd be more literate and commit them to the circle appropriate to them.

not really the reason. but is always good to become more literate. and honestly, i don't really regularly mentally commit people to any part of hell very often. mostly just when someone lies to me or breaks my heart or if they're someone trying to destroy the institution of public education through "reformy" methods. but anyway, more true would be for me to say, "oh my god, i'm in the x circle of hell" when i'm frustrated with the situation that i'm in. and i suppose it would be good to declare the circle with accuracy.

anyway, i am about done with it. and i'm quite glad. to tell the truth, i find the whole idea of hell so very ridiculous and stupid, as well as just plain distasteful. the only thing i'm really finding amusing about it all, is how dante creates the punishments to go with the sins. and i realize that mostly dante is making political statements as he creates the circles.

so my mind wandered while reading it- to what circle i might be committed to in dante's hell. i'm thinking the 5th. for wrath and sulleness. (-:

maybe someday i'll read about the spheres of heaven and consider where i might belong there. (-: but that's a pretty big might, i'd say. i can't really lay any claim to heaven, i know. fortunate that i don't believe in that either.

but for now, i'm getting ready to descend a little deeper and meet the devil, himself.