so in the last two weeks, i've been accused. of being happy.
and well, i just don't know how i feel about that.
ha. because well, i really wouldn't self-identify as happy.
i will say though- that i'm much happier than i once was.
and i will say that i know why i'm happier. because i like being only semi-employed. because i like living here in the bigger city over the small town that felt like death to me. because i feel that my children are both in good places in their lives. because i don't have worries on my mind 24/7. because while i'm teetering on the edge of poverty, i have enough.
so can i say that i'm as happy as i've ever been? no, i once was happier. but i can say that i am happier than i was for awhile.
so i guess it's all relative. but it's all a matter of perception too, i guess. apparently, however i feel inside, i appear to others as being a happy person.
somebody should clap their hands, i guess.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Sunday, September 21, 2014
the best you can
my memory is going. which is not all bad. somethings would be good to forget, no?
but i heard this song- "Humidity Built the Snowman" tonight, and i marveled that i'd completely forgotten about it because it's long been one of my favorite songs.
so here are the best lines.
I don't think that you know
That I think you don't know
That old barometer goes crazy baby
Every time it starts to snow
You won't find me walking
Round your part of town
Humidity built the snowman
Sunshine brought him down
The scientific nature of the ordinary man
Is to go on out and do the best you can
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
looking forward to saturday
Some humans ain't human
Some people ain't kind
They lie through their teeth
With their head up their behind
You open up their hearts
And here's what you'll find
Some humans ain't human
Some people ain't kind
john prine.
Some people ain't kind
They lie through their teeth
With their head up their behind
You open up their hearts
And here's what you'll find
Some humans ain't human
Some people ain't kind
john prine.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
an honor
so i told you how my former student died. and that i went to the funeral.
and i was telling a friend about it this weekend. she had asked me how the funeral was. and i told her that yeah, it was a good service. but you know- it was a service. for a kid. or young adult rather. who meant a lot to me.
my friend pressed me for more. she asked me if i was glad i went to the service. which i thought was an odd question. but i guess she was wondering if the service had helped me. and well, i don't know if it helped me or not. i was thinking of it more as something to just get through intact. and here i am, intact, so far. so i didn't know what to say. so i said, "well, yeah, i guess so. i mean i was mentioned in the service. would have been super awkward if i hadn't been there."
and she said, "you WERE? that's really special." i said, "i guess." and she seemed incredulous at my answer, so then she asked, so did they mention all the staff? and i said, "yeah, no, just me and the superintendent the first year she came to school because he allowed the new program."
and she said, "wow."
and i guess after she said that i started thinking about it more. i mean, i guess that's a real honor. of the literally hundreds of staff members who this girl had through her 13 years of school, only the superintendent, who practically turned a whole school upside down to bring this girl into that school, and i were mentioned. i had meant enough to the family to have me mentioned to the minister who mentioned me to the minister. that really is an honor that i suppose most people will never have.
and i really don't know that i deserve the honor, but i guess i'll take it. because you know, sometimes i'm really sorry that i chose the career i did. i don't feel sometimes like i made a difference or maybe it's that i think i could have made a bigger difference if perhaps i'd gone into public policy or science or medicine or something.
but then again, i guess that back when i was deciding what to be, i more or less fell into it and didn't give it lots of thought. i mean, i wasn't consciously thinking i needed or wanted to make a difference. i just wanted a job so i could eat and stuff. that was all. and it seemed like i'd be able to do it.
what i didn't know. and i don't think anyone ever knows until they go into it, how hard it is. how it would kick your ass most days. what i didn't know was that it was a field fraught with emotional pitfalls. and sweat and tears.
but here i am i guess. on the other side of it. and i guess that i'm glad that it's over. but i guess i'm also glad that someone thought i made a difference before i quit. that really is an honor.
and i was telling a friend about it this weekend. she had asked me how the funeral was. and i told her that yeah, it was a good service. but you know- it was a service. for a kid. or young adult rather. who meant a lot to me.
my friend pressed me for more. she asked me if i was glad i went to the service. which i thought was an odd question. but i guess she was wondering if the service had helped me. and well, i don't know if it helped me or not. i was thinking of it more as something to just get through intact. and here i am, intact, so far. so i didn't know what to say. so i said, "well, yeah, i guess so. i mean i was mentioned in the service. would have been super awkward if i hadn't been there."
and she said, "you WERE? that's really special." i said, "i guess." and she seemed incredulous at my answer, so then she asked, so did they mention all the staff? and i said, "yeah, no, just me and the superintendent the first year she came to school because he allowed the new program."
and she said, "wow."
and i guess after she said that i started thinking about it more. i mean, i guess that's a real honor. of the literally hundreds of staff members who this girl had through her 13 years of school, only the superintendent, who practically turned a whole school upside down to bring this girl into that school, and i were mentioned. i had meant enough to the family to have me mentioned to the minister who mentioned me to the minister. that really is an honor that i suppose most people will never have.
and i really don't know that i deserve the honor, but i guess i'll take it. because you know, sometimes i'm really sorry that i chose the career i did. i don't feel sometimes like i made a difference or maybe it's that i think i could have made a bigger difference if perhaps i'd gone into public policy or science or medicine or something.
but then again, i guess that back when i was deciding what to be, i more or less fell into it and didn't give it lots of thought. i mean, i wasn't consciously thinking i needed or wanted to make a difference. i just wanted a job so i could eat and stuff. that was all. and it seemed like i'd be able to do it.
what i didn't know. and i don't think anyone ever knows until they go into it, how hard it is. how it would kick your ass most days. what i didn't know was that it was a field fraught with emotional pitfalls. and sweat and tears.
but here i am i guess. on the other side of it. and i guess that i'm glad that it's over. but i guess i'm also glad that someone thought i made a difference before i quit. that really is an honor.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
