so we're on the airplane finally- after being told at first we were among the 14 people being held off the airplane because of heat index issues. they needed the plane to weigh less. but at the last minute, they figured something out and we were told to board. it was more than a little nerve-wracking to be told it's ok, when they'd just gotten done explaining how it was unsafe. but ok. the pilot himself even came out and said it was ok.
but it's always a turbulent climb out of the denver airport because of the airflow and wave action and you don't want to crash into the side of a mountain and all that. and it was a little tense. and my poor daughter in law who is as scared to fly as i used to be is almost in tears in the aisle seat. and my grandson is sitting with her by the window and holding her hand. i am in the seat across the aisle one row ahead. and i turn to try to make sure they are ok. i tell my daughter in law that i can see ahead to the flight attendant who is sitting in her little jumpseat looking positively bored that it's really ok, that it's all so normal that the flight attendant looks very bored. she nods her head, but i can tell she's barely hearing what i have to say. i understand. i used to be that afraid of flying as well. i got over it finally though, when i realized that i didn't care all that much whether i lived or died. that kind of feeling makes one quite calm actually.
but i will stop here and say that i was a bit nervous myself. for two reasons- one, although i don't care much if i die, i do care that my family lives. and that especially my grandson gets to live. the second reason being is that i am a person who likes things to be settled. and there is still something in my life that does not seem settled to me. and so i was kind of reflecting on if i were going to die, how exactly i would wish that situation to be settled. and i used to think that i'd want the chance to tell someone that i forgave them. BUT- oddly- in the moment of slight panic, i didn't feel that way at all. and what i thought was, if i could- i would tell that person that they were a complete and utter jerk to me. and that i would never forgive them and they could just live or die with that.
so much for me being a nice person, i guess. (-:
but back to my grandson. he's holding his mom's hand. she's too upset to even look at him. he looks at her and she doesn't look back, she's too scared. and he looks up at me and says, "Grandma?" and i THINK he says, "I don't know what to do." and i think he's asking that he doesn't know what to do to help his mother. So, i tell him, "you are doing a good job taking care of your Mom. It's ok." and then he says something else, that i don't really hear, so I repeat and say, "Just hold her hand. You are doing a good job."
so eventually, the climb is over and it's pretty clear sailing the rest of the way home. and we land safely. and i tell my grandson that i was so proud of him for taking care of his Mom, when she was scared. and he says, "but Grandma, I was scared too, that's what i was TRYING to tell you!"
and i feel horrible because here the kid was trying to tell me he was scared, but i was too deaf and stupid to understand. i just thought he wanted to know what to do for his mom. i told him i was sorry, that i had misunderstood what he was saying. and that he was very brave. because that's what being brave is- getting through what scares you.
but i still feel like a bad grandma. i mean really, if i didn't exactly hear what he was saying, instead of assuming, i should have at least said, "what?" and then i could have said, "we are just fine. i know it's scary, but really we will be fine. we'll get through this, this turbulence is normal and we'll take care of each other through it. just hang on." i could have said something more reassuring and calming to him. i mean really, that's what you need to do when someone is upset and worried.
and so we lived. to see another day. and i just hope that the next time he might look to me for calming reassurance, i do a way better job.
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Thursday, May 19, 2016
scott-free
so i met the first scott when he was in the 2nd grade. i was helping run a summer class for students with learning disabilities. he was a student. he was rather chubby and hapless. but i'm not sure he was aware that he was. he just kind of bounced around.
i met the other scott through chatting. he just appeared one day. i sincerely with all my heart wish that he never had. still.
the first scott, i never saw or thought about again until he was a grown adult and i was an older grown up adult after having been dumped unceremoniously (no, not unceremoniously, i think the word i want here is- cruelly) by the 2nd scott. over a misunderstanding of sorts. life is unfair and mean like that, you know.
so at the time i remet the first scott, i was barely breathing. because of the 2nd scott. and the first scott annoyed the ever-loving hell out of me as an adult. i dreaded having to interact with him at work. he was loud. he was flamboyant, gayly so, although he wasn't gay. he was young and idealistic and opinionated at a time when i wanted to be part of the wallpaper. he never called me by my first name, always my first and last together.
"xxxxx xxxxxxx! what do you think about this? xxxxx xxxxxxx?" pausing only briefly before launching ahead and telling me what he thought i ought to think. or what he hoped i'd think. as i said, he annoyed me. he was irrepressibly annoying. about history, about politics, about pop culture. about stupid stupid apple products. he seemed to never shut up. but. on the other hand, he also treated me with such respect and almost awe, i guess for being someone he respected in life, that it was hard not to like him at the same time. i guess you could say i was conflicted. he was the kind of person who not only wanted to pull you and everyone else out of their shells, but also didn't even seem to notice that there were these hard scaly surfaces surrounding some people for a reason, at the time in my life when i least felt like coming out from under cover.
people get hurt when they are out there without cover, you know.
but what ya gonna do when someone persistently insists?
so first Scott was great friends with other friends who have become great friends of mine. to this day. and together, whether they knew it or know it or not, they restored me. they propped me up. they filled me full of thoughts that they would miss me if i went. and that while they might laugh at me, occasionally, they would never desert me. that i could never do anything or say anything so wrong, so stupid or so bad, that they would toss me out on my ear. if i needed someone to talk to, to vent to, to cry in my beer with, they were there. first scott. and the others. mostly they just made me start to learn to laugh again. and care again.
2nd scott, i thought. that he was my prince charming. i thought he'd dropped into my life to rescue me. from bad times gone by. and he played the part so very very well. right up until he didn't and he refused to understand or listen and called me vile. and then he skipped off and married a woman who is so perfect and vegan, she makes my skin crawl just thinking about her.
and what i'm trying to say is that it's been a long road back from barely breathing with a sucking chest wound to now. where i am happy to breathe. delighted to breathe. get up in the morning happy to be alive to breathe. i never thought i'd feel that way. again. especially while on my own. as it seems i'm fated to be.
and then on sunday, the breath got knocked right out of me. first scott was killed. while sailing through an intersection on his bike while he was out on a sunday morning ride. the driver of the car never saw him. nobody's fault. but he was just knocked out of existence.
i was out and came home to quite a many messages saying, "omg, xxxxx, did you hear about scott?" and i sucked for air thinking it was second scott until i realized that no friend of mine ever even mentions 2nd scott to me anymore or ever again. and i realized they must be talking about 1st scott. and it bothered me, bothers me that my brain still went to second scott. wth?
especially because now i realize that the loss of the 1st scott is more air-sucking than the death of the 2nd scott from this world will ever be. because he is already dead to me. and has been for quite some time. and largely because of the 1st scott and all our friends. and oh.
oh. oh. i will miss this guy. more than i ever realized that i might. it's just wrong. wrong. wrong.
he leaves behind an adorable fiance, a first grader and a middle-schooler. he leaves behind so many friends, of whom i was just one, who probably never told him (as i never did) or even knew how much they appreciated him. he leaves behind a score of students who learned to think because he was irrepressible in teaching them to think for themselves.
and i am sad. so, so, so sad. for this world to be scott-free.
i met the other scott through chatting. he just appeared one day. i sincerely with all my heart wish that he never had. still.
the first scott, i never saw or thought about again until he was a grown adult and i was an older grown up adult after having been dumped unceremoniously (no, not unceremoniously, i think the word i want here is- cruelly) by the 2nd scott. over a misunderstanding of sorts. life is unfair and mean like that, you know.
so at the time i remet the first scott, i was barely breathing. because of the 2nd scott. and the first scott annoyed the ever-loving hell out of me as an adult. i dreaded having to interact with him at work. he was loud. he was flamboyant, gayly so, although he wasn't gay. he was young and idealistic and opinionated at a time when i wanted to be part of the wallpaper. he never called me by my first name, always my first and last together.
"xxxxx xxxxxxx! what do you think about this? xxxxx xxxxxxx?" pausing only briefly before launching ahead and telling me what he thought i ought to think. or what he hoped i'd think. as i said, he annoyed me. he was irrepressibly annoying. about history, about politics, about pop culture. about stupid stupid apple products. he seemed to never shut up. but. on the other hand, he also treated me with such respect and almost awe, i guess for being someone he respected in life, that it was hard not to like him at the same time. i guess you could say i was conflicted. he was the kind of person who not only wanted to pull you and everyone else out of their shells, but also didn't even seem to notice that there were these hard scaly surfaces surrounding some people for a reason, at the time in my life when i least felt like coming out from under cover.
people get hurt when they are out there without cover, you know.
but what ya gonna do when someone persistently insists?
so first Scott was great friends with other friends who have become great friends of mine. to this day. and together, whether they knew it or know it or not, they restored me. they propped me up. they filled me full of thoughts that they would miss me if i went. and that while they might laugh at me, occasionally, they would never desert me. that i could never do anything or say anything so wrong, so stupid or so bad, that they would toss me out on my ear. if i needed someone to talk to, to vent to, to cry in my beer with, they were there. first scott. and the others. mostly they just made me start to learn to laugh again. and care again.
2nd scott, i thought. that he was my prince charming. i thought he'd dropped into my life to rescue me. from bad times gone by. and he played the part so very very well. right up until he didn't and he refused to understand or listen and called me vile. and then he skipped off and married a woman who is so perfect and vegan, she makes my skin crawl just thinking about her.
and what i'm trying to say is that it's been a long road back from barely breathing with a sucking chest wound to now. where i am happy to breathe. delighted to breathe. get up in the morning happy to be alive to breathe. i never thought i'd feel that way. again. especially while on my own. as it seems i'm fated to be.
and then on sunday, the breath got knocked right out of me. first scott was killed. while sailing through an intersection on his bike while he was out on a sunday morning ride. the driver of the car never saw him. nobody's fault. but he was just knocked out of existence.
i was out and came home to quite a many messages saying, "omg, xxxxx, did you hear about scott?" and i sucked for air thinking it was second scott until i realized that no friend of mine ever even mentions 2nd scott to me anymore or ever again. and i realized they must be talking about 1st scott. and it bothered me, bothers me that my brain still went to second scott. wth?
especially because now i realize that the loss of the 1st scott is more air-sucking than the death of the 2nd scott from this world will ever be. because he is already dead to me. and has been for quite some time. and largely because of the 1st scott and all our friends. and oh.
oh. oh. i will miss this guy. more than i ever realized that i might. it's just wrong. wrong. wrong.
he leaves behind an adorable fiance, a first grader and a middle-schooler. he leaves behind so many friends, of whom i was just one, who probably never told him (as i never did) or even knew how much they appreciated him. he leaves behind a score of students who learned to think because he was irrepressible in teaching them to think for themselves.
and i am sad. so, so, so sad. for this world to be scott-free.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
things i'll never do
so here is a list of things that i'm certain i'll never do. they say you should never say never. but all the same, i'm never gonna....
own or fire a gun.
skydive.
be a vegan.
be a vegetarian.
go to paris.
eat turtle soup.
work in a coal mine.
scuba dive
join a fundamentalist church. or really any church again, but i'm hotly against the fundies.
shoot heroin
eat a dog. although, for entirely different reasoning than for not eating turtle soup.
support the privatization of public education.
support donald trump, ted cruz, or john kasich.
run a marathon- for both of these reasons- one, because i can't, and two, i think they are a brutal abuse of a body and why?
subscribe to cable tv or own a dish.
own an amphibian or reptile ever again.
join a cult.
talk down to a child.
own an expensive car ever again. even if i win or am offered one.
spend more than 60 minutes with someone i don't like unless i have to for work.
believe that i'm nobody or that my opinions and feelings don't matter or aren't worth your consideration. ever again.
turn down a great meal, unless i'm not hungry or i don't like you.
go to a heavy metal concert. or a yanni concert.
not listen to someone who politely asks me to listen. doesn't mean i'll do what you want or agree with you, but i'll at least give you a fair listen. because if i don't, i'm really no better than people i don't like.
dress like i'm 35 or really even 40. sorry, if you're sporting short skirts, long hair, or 'show your cleavage' blouses at my age, i just find you look unseemly and i don't want to be like you. sorry.
eat an octopus. and not for either of the reasons that i won't eat a turtle or a dog.
believe in fairy tales again. not that i wouldn't like to, but i've just found that they never come true. so why bother?
not going to give someone a chance to explain and at least try to listen. because i know how damaging and hurtful and heartbreaking it is to be treated that way.
say i love you unless i really mean it. and i mean really mean it- unconditionally. because i know what it's like to have it said to me and it not be meant in the end.
climb a mountain. ok, i will climb small hills and partially up the side of a mountain, but only until i panic from the height and my heart starts pounding in my ears, and then i'll stop and go back down. you go on though. i'll be real proud of you.
ride in a submarine. i do not like being enclosed. and i especially would hate being enclosed in something submerged. i've only later in years come to peace with being encapsulated in airplanes, but i'm never going to get in a submarine.
swim the English channel or across any large, cold, piece of water.
live in the arctic. ok, maybe Denmark. i would live in Denmark. and so would you, if you'd ever been there.
live on a farm. unless i loved a farmer, of course. and then i wouldn't care where we lived.
walk away from a difficult situation, unless i'm leading myself or others to safety.
park in a handicapped zone. unless of course, i've become handicapped or am escorting a handicapped child who could not be dropped off at the door alone.
wear a bright yellow dress. although, i look ok in light yellow- bright yellow makes me look like i'm sick.
go to work when i'm ill. ever again.
eat green beans or watermelon. i just do not like them. at all. ok, maybe if i was starving. but only if.
own a car with a spoiler on the back. seriously, who drives these? dumbest things ever.
hunt. i will fish though.
join an army.
steal from someone.
cheat on my taxes.
ride on a huge ferris wheel again.
go to a cage fight.
drive a motorcycle. or even ride on one again.
turn my back on a child.
not stand up to a bully. ever again.
finish this list, it seems. but i will stop for now.
own or fire a gun.
skydive.
be a vegan.
be a vegetarian.
go to paris.
eat turtle soup.
work in a coal mine.
scuba dive
join a fundamentalist church. or really any church again, but i'm hotly against the fundies.
shoot heroin
eat a dog. although, for entirely different reasoning than for not eating turtle soup.
support the privatization of public education.
support donald trump, ted cruz, or john kasich.
run a marathon- for both of these reasons- one, because i can't, and two, i think they are a brutal abuse of a body and why?
subscribe to cable tv or own a dish.
own an amphibian or reptile ever again.
join a cult.
talk down to a child.
own an expensive car ever again. even if i win or am offered one.
spend more than 60 minutes with someone i don't like unless i have to for work.
believe that i'm nobody or that my opinions and feelings don't matter or aren't worth your consideration. ever again.
turn down a great meal, unless i'm not hungry or i don't like you.
go to a heavy metal concert. or a yanni concert.
not listen to someone who politely asks me to listen. doesn't mean i'll do what you want or agree with you, but i'll at least give you a fair listen. because if i don't, i'm really no better than people i don't like.
dress like i'm 35 or really even 40. sorry, if you're sporting short skirts, long hair, or 'show your cleavage' blouses at my age, i just find you look unseemly and i don't want to be like you. sorry.
eat an octopus. and not for either of the reasons that i won't eat a turtle or a dog.
believe in fairy tales again. not that i wouldn't like to, but i've just found that they never come true. so why bother?
not going to give someone a chance to explain and at least try to listen. because i know how damaging and hurtful and heartbreaking it is to be treated that way.
say i love you unless i really mean it. and i mean really mean it- unconditionally. because i know what it's like to have it said to me and it not be meant in the end.
climb a mountain. ok, i will climb small hills and partially up the side of a mountain, but only until i panic from the height and my heart starts pounding in my ears, and then i'll stop and go back down. you go on though. i'll be real proud of you.
ride in a submarine. i do not like being enclosed. and i especially would hate being enclosed in something submerged. i've only later in years come to peace with being encapsulated in airplanes, but i'm never going to get in a submarine.
swim the English channel or across any large, cold, piece of water.
live in the arctic. ok, maybe Denmark. i would live in Denmark. and so would you, if you'd ever been there.
live on a farm. unless i loved a farmer, of course. and then i wouldn't care where we lived.
walk away from a difficult situation, unless i'm leading myself or others to safety.
park in a handicapped zone. unless of course, i've become handicapped or am escorting a handicapped child who could not be dropped off at the door alone.
wear a bright yellow dress. although, i look ok in light yellow- bright yellow makes me look like i'm sick.
go to work when i'm ill. ever again.
eat green beans or watermelon. i just do not like them. at all. ok, maybe if i was starving. but only if.
own a car with a spoiler on the back. seriously, who drives these? dumbest things ever.
hunt. i will fish though.
join an army.
steal from someone.
cheat on my taxes.
ride on a huge ferris wheel again.
go to a cage fight.
drive a motorcycle. or even ride on one again.
turn my back on a child.
not stand up to a bully. ever again.
finish this list, it seems. but i will stop for now.
Thursday, April 21, 2016
sometimes it snows in april
so you know. i didn't realize i was such a huge prince fan. til i heard he died today. and as soon as i heard, i wanted to listen to every prince song i ever knew. and so i did. and this confuses me, because i might have thought i was more of a david bowie fan than a prince fan and i didn't have this burning desire to listen to any of his songs when he died.
but a little prince fest i had here. and i'm all sad. i suppose quite a lot of people are. appreciating the brilliance.
in other news- i just saw that a little plane crashed just north of me. it creeps me out when i hear little planes crash. even if i shouldn't care anymore. and a whole bunch of local gang members of a gang "cutely" named the "Gett Money Gang" were busted. and it makes me more than a little sad to hear that people who were clever enough to make up that moniker for themselves formed a gang and committed evil and violence and stuff. and yesterday, presidential candidate trump was here yakking his yak and meeting with our prehistoric godwithasmallgwannabe governor. and a state senate candidate, currently a representative, a tool, who is running against another tool in the primary for us senate was outed for using money he shouldn't have used for a family vacation. and even if this takes him down, which it likely won't, the other guy will be no better. and. and. and....
sometimes it snows in april. a sad song, i think you'd have to say.
"sometimes it snows in april
sometimes i feel so bad, so bad,
sometimes i wish that life was never ending,
but all good things, they say, never last.
All good things they say, never last
And love, it isn't love until it's past."
and i don't feel like being nice or even fair today. i'm feeling irritable and grouchy. and sad.
don't worry. i'll be fine by tomorrow. sleep, some time with friends and family coming up. some baseball. some alcohol. some more fighting the good fight with my public school allies. all that will patch me up and prop me back up, as it always does. and so far always has. but for the rest of tonight i'm just going to be sad.
"and love isn't love until it's past."
but a little prince fest i had here. and i'm all sad. i suppose quite a lot of people are. appreciating the brilliance.
in other news- i just saw that a little plane crashed just north of me. it creeps me out when i hear little planes crash. even if i shouldn't care anymore. and a whole bunch of local gang members of a gang "cutely" named the "Gett Money Gang" were busted. and it makes me more than a little sad to hear that people who were clever enough to make up that moniker for themselves formed a gang and committed evil and violence and stuff. and yesterday, presidential candidate trump was here yakking his yak and meeting with our prehistoric godwithasmallgwannabe governor. and a state senate candidate, currently a representative, a tool, who is running against another tool in the primary for us senate was outed for using money he shouldn't have used for a family vacation. and even if this takes him down, which it likely won't, the other guy will be no better. and. and. and....
sometimes it snows in april. a sad song, i think you'd have to say.
"sometimes it snows in april
sometimes i feel so bad, so bad,
sometimes i wish that life was never ending,
but all good things, they say, never last.
All good things they say, never last
And love, it isn't love until it's past."
and i don't feel like being nice or even fair today. i'm feeling irritable and grouchy. and sad.
don't worry. i'll be fine by tomorrow. sleep, some time with friends and family coming up. some baseball. some alcohol. some more fighting the good fight with my public school allies. all that will patch me up and prop me back up, as it always does. and so far always has. but for the rest of tonight i'm just going to be sad.
"and love isn't love until it's past."
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