Xistential thoughts

So my x is here for a visit to see the grandson and friends. And while we have turned into two very different people and there is much history that is not good, we do seem to be able to get along and we do actually seem to be able to talk to each other.

And I have to admit that he's even been a bit sympathetic towards me and even comforting to me. And complimentary. He told me that he tells his friends how grateful he is that his children turned out well and that he tells them he had nothing to do with it, but that they were just lucky they had a great mother.

And then later he asked me if something about my current situation ever bothered me. And I was so amazed at the question and that he perceived something about the situation and was concerned. And so when he asked me the question, I was for a moment a bit speechless. And then I finally choked out. " yes. What it does is- is hurt my feelings tremendously." something I could never have admitted to him in years past. I would never have let my defenses down to admit that something hurt me.

And then he quietly said "I'm sorry." and " i don't blame you. It does seem very hurtful."


And I said "but there is nothing I can do, I don't think.". And then he said, "probably not, but i think space and distance will make it feel better."

I do hope he's right. I'm not sure he's right, but I hope so. But here is what was so interesting about all this to me- that he was doing something that it didn't ever seem to me like he ever did when we were married and that was that he was listening and considering how I felt and acknowledging that I had a right to my feelings.

And having him do all that actually made me feel a little bit better. And it was nice to feel like I could confide in someone who didn't dismiss my feelings or become defensive or tell me to suck it up.

And it strikes me that between the two of us there is now a great level of forgiveness that allows all this. I'm very grateful for it. And I wish him well.

important research

through the research efforts of others, i have learned two quite interesting and important things this week.

one is that cars that are red attract more bird shit than any other color car.

and the other is that people who do not cope with stress well have a higher incidence of developing dementia.

well and i guess one can avoid having a red car (unless you are like me and you took the car on the lot that they were offering because it was cheaper even though you really don't like red cars) but unless you're rich and stuff- you can hardly avoid being stressed. so the trick then would be to learn to cope with it well.

but what is coping with it well? what does that look like? that you aren't yelling at someone. that you haven't committed murder? that you aren't depressed? that you ignore all your troubles and worries completely and become drug addict?

yes, yes, yes. i know all the things you are supposed to do to relieve stress. exercise, eating right, getting enough sleep, having a network of friends, getting a dog.

yes, but what if, you do all those things that are within your control and the birds still shit on your car? what then?

ok, i'm being silly. it's not stress inducing when birds decorate your car. usually.

however, my point is that sometimes i think stress isn't really stress exactly, it's just unhappiness with how things are. you know what i mean? if you're happy in general- the things that stress you do not really stress you. if you are unhappy, lots of things that normally don't phase you at all tick you off and stress you.

things like having to go wash your car- AGAIN.

anyway, i know this. because i was happy once upon a time for a brief while.

How dumb do I look?

So I went the other day to a meet and greet for a politician. And I went because I'm diametrically opposed to this guy's counterpart. And I hoped to hear something a bit different, since I am one of the few remaining people in the world that believes my vote should matter.

And I did hear something different. I heard what I wanted to hear. But funny, I also heard a sliver of something I wasn't so sure about. But it was such a small sliver that i wasn't even sure if i heard it. Because it was so heady to hear what I wanted to hear. So I went home and looked it up.

And sure enough, it wasn't good and it was much like what I didn't like about his opponent. And I thought "wow, this is how politicians roll, they say one thing while meaning and doing a complete other. Anything to get elected. Kind of like the guy who says he loves you, but doesn't back up his words with his actions and who just leaves you in a lurch when you need something yourself. He really is worse than the guy who doesn't profess to love you at all. Or Kind of like the guy who never out and out lies to you, but just never tells you the complete truth either. He's actually the more dangerous evil."

Anyway, it got me to thinking, how dumb do I look? Did the guy not know I'm a veteran of such wars? doesn't that show on my face? Do I look like I can be bought with wine and a song?

Well that might have been me in the old days. But it's certainly not now.

So I wrote to the person who invited me to the meet and greet and I said "yeah, I'm really sorry to tell you but I've been down this type of road before and it doesn't end well and I can't support your candidate because he's not supporting me.". And the response back basically said "what do you want? He's better than the alternative. We need your support."

And I'm thinking "what?" and "wow" and "how dumb do I still look?"

Happy Thought

"the world is so full of a number of things,
i'm sure we should be as happy as kings."

this was the "happy thought" of robert louis stevenson.

he was quite the optimist.

i need to work on that.

hate- the other white meat

do you remember the first time you ever felt the emotion of hate? the reason i ask is because i was thinking about how everyone remembers the first time they fell in love, but you don't ever hear anyone talk about the first time they hated someone.

sure, i can remember saying stuff like "i hate that xxxxx.(fill in the blank- person, book, movie, teacher, class, whatever) and i can even remember one of my besties chastising me saying "hate is a bad word, you shouldn't say it EVer" in that moralizing tone that only 9 year olds can pull off really well. (she did tell me however it was ok to hate hitler.) anyway- but even while i remember saying it in those instances, i didn't actually feel it. it was just something i said. and i HONESTLY don't remember actually an occasion of feeling hate for the first time.

but there must have been a first time surely- because it's not now an unfamiliar emotion to me.

that is to say that i hate some certain things and some certain people. and i can say that i hate these things and people with all my heart. quite as viscerally as i love, i can hate equally. perhaps even more so.

people such as my childhood girlfriend say you shouldn't hate because hate consumes a person or it causes them warts or crossed eyes or some such awful thing. but i'm not sure i believe that it's bad for you.

hate is something that you feel. it's neutral. just something that happens. like weather. it's not morally bad or good. it just is.

and i would really think that the suppression of it, the inability to own it or just say it might just make you crazy and turn you into a hateful person.

now, am i saying you should ever act on it? no, no, no. unless you hate cancer so much that you find the cure. or you hate child abuse so much, that you work to stop it or you hate the situation you are in so much that you seek to make it better.

they just sentenced a man in the area to life plus 36 years for killing a little girl. and the tv interviewed several people who you could tell would have been quite willing to bash his brains in with the brick that he used on the little girl's head. or slice him to ribbons with the knife or whatever he used to dismember her afterwards. that's some pretty serious hate and you do hope they let the justice system mete out the punishment rather than take it on themselves, but the emotion? well, it kind of seems a rather natural reaction.

so back to my question, do you remember the first time you hated? because i'm wracking my brain here and i just can't. i hate that.

happy father's day to my Dad

today is father's day. and that's a downright peculiar day when you no longer have a father to honor. sure, i've taken some time today to honor my son who i believe is an excellent father. and i've said "happy father's day!" to a few friends of mine. but other than that, the day is kind of empty-ish for someone who no longer has her father here.

i would want to tell you that i had the world's best dad. i really in fact, did. i know lots of people think that, but they romanticize their dads. i truly did have the world's best dad. not because he was flawless but because at his core, he was the only man i ever met and ever will meet who was honest and with integrity always. always. and he was always, without fail- fair. and he could always always see the meaning and the intent behind whatever anyone's words actually were. he never got blinded by anger or pride or insult or injury. he was always forgiving. even when it was scary.

but i think the biggest thing with my dad is that he was just almost never selfish. not with his time. not with what little money he had. not with his talent. and he was one of those rare, if not extinct now, individuals who believed in the importance of community.

it was an odd thing that he was a registered republican. because he believed in open and fair immigration policies. he believed that we have an obligation to take care of those who either can't or don't take care of themselves. (emphasis on the "don't") he believed that people should share their wealth with others. and he believed in "there but for the grace of "God" go i." he believed in freedom. he believed in the responsibility. he believed in leading by example. he hated the ideas of sin taxes or zero tolerance. but he supported paying taxes for public services. hardly republican traits.

my father was immensely intelligent. he was in truth, gifted. and he could have worked at the top of his game. or really any game that he would have chosen. he could have run a corporation or a government agency. but i don't think he could have ever found it in his heart to close down a plant for people to lose their livlihoods, or to cut needed benefits to disabled or senior citizens. he maybe would have found a humane and efficient system of cutting waste or abuses, but he would have err'd on the side of giving too much over giving too little. and i know he would have ever put himself in the position of making the fast buck on the backs of others.

and there are many times when i reflect that i never really appreciated my father fully when he was alive. and there are often gifts of remembrances that i have of him that maybe didn't have meaning for me while in the moment, but have had oodles of meaning for me later.

and interestingly enough, after all the time i spent trying to get over someone in my life, it is actually my dad in the end really- (through memories of who he was) who gave me the gift of realizing that this person wasn't really "all that." that he wasn't really gold- that he was just glitter. and superficial glitter at that.

because a person of real substance, such as my father was- would NEVER have treated me as i was treated. no matter how much pride or anger he had or what he thought i meant by what i said. a person of caliber would never have thrown out the baby with the bathwater. a person of heart would never have not allowed for forgiveness.

so today on this father's day i say "thank you daddy" and "i love you and i miss you very much."

canine conversation

so i'm sitting here with the dog. he's sitting beside me sleeping and he's having a dream of some sort. he's shaking and he's moving his legs like he's trying to run while lying on his side and he's licking his chops and i don't know what all else.

but isn't it a mystery that dog's dream? really? what do they dream about? and why do they dream? i've heard people say that people dream to help them work out issues and problems and such, but seriously, what problems can a dog possibly have?

now if you must know- i'm not a dog lover really. (or any kind of animal lover really) but that is not to say that there haven't been dogs in my life that i've been quite fond of. because they do in fact seem to have unique personalities and temperaments. but then you gotta wonder why that is? what purpose does a dog having a personality have?

seriously, it's late at night and i'm sitting here beside a dog and i'm wondering "what the hell is it exactly with dogs?" really? "what's the purpose of a dog?"

i think what i'd really like is if dogs could talk. i'd like to have a conversation with a dog.

"hello dog, how was your day?"

"my day was great, i watched out the window for awhile, i chased a bug, i gnawed on a milkbone, i had some kibble. i slept in a puddle of sunshine. and you? how was your day?"

"well my day kinda sucked. the job's a bitch and my boss is mean. and i didn't get that report done because this lady came in and took up all my time. and it's cold out and i broke the heel on my shoe. and i dumped out the contents of my purse."

"aw, that's too bad, you want to rub me behind the ears a bit? that always seems to calm you down."

"no, i do not. let me get a glass of wine and then how about you tell me a story?"

"ok, i'll tell you about my dream last night. that's a great story."

behold, the power of cheese

so for some reason today i found myself on a tour of a restored village circa late 1800's/ early 1900's where i heard the story of Jacob Keller.
Jacob Keller it seems lived in switzerland and had a hankering to come to america. so much so that he murdered his rich uncle in order to "inherit" the funds for the voyage.
so jacob gets here and somehow lands in a small indiana settlement as the local cheese maker. and even while not being a particularly religious or righteous or religious guy (being a murderer and all) he found himself settled amongst a bunch of religious folk. and it seems that he liked their ways. he liked how calm and peace loving they all were. so he decided to ask to join their church. they welcomed him into the fold and i guess were all happy about their recruit right up until Jacob decided that as a christian man he must confess his big sin.
so the church folk don't really know what to do. they don't want to lose their new recruit or their community's cheese-maker but they can't just let a guy get away with murder. so they decide to write the police of the city where he killed his uncle on his behalf (because he couldn't write) to fess up and they tell the police that Jacob says he will subject himself to any punishment that they see fit.
so they don't hear anything for a long time. the mail was a bit slow back in the day. but then one day they get a letter that says "it seems that god has forgiven you, how can we do any less? please feel free to stay there and make cheese."
and so that's what old Jacob did. He lived out his days and nights (he slept in a little room on a cot with a straw mattress next to the room where he made the cheese) in the cheese house until he died. he never married or had children or anything else. he just made cheese.

apparently this was a story to demonstrate god's forgiveness. but i wouldn't really know.

boredumb

yes. right now i could be described as bored. are there things i could be doing? sure. i could start by starting to pack and pitching more of my stuff. because while i don't exactly know where i'm going yet, i do know that as soon as i return from my trip- that i am going somewhere. and i need to get together with some friends that i've not seen for a bit. and i need to do some shopping for some things i need.
so yes, i have people that i need to see and places that i need go and stuff that i need to do. but well, i don't know- just nothing right now is exciting me. so i'm just sitting here and doing mostly nothing at all. and i'm bored as dirt. pretty darn dumb, huh?
i think what i'd like is some excitement of some sort. some real fun of some sort.

typing sideways

so i was not happy with not being able to post pictures on the blog from my ipad, so i'm trying out an app that allows me to post them. but i can't size the pictures, plus the program won't turn sideways so that my keyboard will work with it. so i'm typing on it but the screen is turned sideways to my orientation. it's very weird and so i'll probably be looking for a new app eventually. but for now, this is kinda funny. it's like building little towers of words on each line. yes, i know- the little things amuse me. now i will post another picture because i like it.

old dog, new tricks

Trying this app out. here is an interesting picture.

eat, drink, and be married

so there i was. all set to start out blogging in a less serious and whiny mode. and what did i up and do last post? i maximized the seriousness.

well shame on me!

but you must give me a break- afterall- someone i knew just up and died and all.

well so one of my very good friends got married yesterday. today i'm recovering from the party which was a good time. all eat, drink, and be merryish.

and i am happy for her.

so the other day i told my grandson that i was going to this wedding. and he said to me "you're not married."

and i said "yes, i know."

and he said "why not?"

and i said "well who would i marry? i don't know anyone to marry."

and he cocked his head sideways and squinted his eyes, and then after contemplating it all, replied "you should go to work and find the nicest guy at work and you should marry him."


don't ya love that? anyway, i told him i'd think about it not explaining what a comical thing this was to contemplate with my old job.

ha. maybe in the next job. whatever that ends up being.

oh where oh where has my little dog gone?

so you're wondering where the rest of mbb went? well i vaporized it. why? you ask? well because, i just decided that it was time to start anew. "why?" you ask?

well for a moment there the answer was "i really just do not know."

but on reflection i think it had something to do with how completely liberating it was to dump the contents of my work computer, which i had to turn in this morning. now mind you, really, except for storing pictures, i really didn't do or store much personal stuff on that computer. so i took all those off first. but then i was able to go through the my documents file and dump about about a thousand reports and articles and just throw them out. because either they are already attached to some official file in the sky somewhere OR they just won't matter to me anymore. so i would highlight a bunch of them and hit delete. highlight a bunch more and hit delete. rinse and repeat. until there was nothing left to do but dump the recycle bin. and as happy as i was deleting the files, it was thrilling to dump that bin. whoosh and gone! and it felt great!

so then much later i got on here. and suddenly i thought, "hey, i think i'll dump all this crap too!" not that i'm healed or i'm over anything or i have a new life. but it occured to me that one of the first steps to having a new life someday was getting rid of the old one. throwing out the past.

and it was the de-creation story. on the first day there were a bunch of blogposts. on the next, those went up in smoke. and i deemed it good. not that any phoenix will rise from these ashes or anything. but it just felt good to burn it all down to ground level.

so here is mbb- sans the past.

because as you know- the present can become the past, just like that. and i'm thinking "well- it should."

so the other day, the dog ran away. crazy dog, loves to run. LOVES to run. so he ran. again. and we all set out to look for him. we hunted high and we hunted low. no dog. so i posted on facebook. and a few people responded sympathetically, but one actually said "hey, i've got nothing to do, i'll get in my car."

and so she did. for no particular reason- she just went out and looked. basically because that's the kind of person she is. if a dog is lost, she goes to look for it. if you post you like a plant, she goes out and buys you one. if you say you're bored, she talks to you. that's the kind of person, she ...... was.

and i say was for a reason. this woman actually posted to my facebook page again this morning in a follow-up to the dog (who was found finally) post. she posted at 9:50 this morning. then poof. this afternoon, she up and died.

and that's the thing that i've never been able to grasp about dying. how you can be one second and the next not be. just "poof" and you don't exist. you're gone.

and even when you expect a death. when you know it's going to happen and you've been grieving all along about it as in the case of my sister in law- i just cannot grasp that someone can be just gone like that. just absolutely gone. like my posts. like my past. gone.

and then you feel like you're just falling and you are grasping at everything and anything to try and catch yourself out of that free-fall.

and some people don't understand that. and not only do they not catch you. they push you. away.

and you keep falling. until you come to grips finally. and it's such a long process. and it occurs to me finally, that it doesn't stop until it stops. but you also realize that the only reason it ever stops is because of people like this woman who died, who in each their own ways puts their hands out to help break your fall.

and suddenly you land. in a big leafy pile of the past. and then sometimes, you just feel like torching it all.

and that's what i felt like last night. so that's where mbb went. it was torched in a bonfire.

and today i begin again. and someone who helped me land. well she's just gone.

It's magic.

Suddenly I feel differently.