oh where oh where has my little dog gone?

so you're wondering where the rest of mbb went? well i vaporized it. why? you ask? well because, i just decided that it was time to start anew. "why?" you ask?

well for a moment there the answer was "i really just do not know."

but on reflection i think it had something to do with how completely liberating it was to dump the contents of my work computer, which i had to turn in this morning. now mind you, really, except for storing pictures, i really didn't do or store much personal stuff on that computer. so i took all those off first. but then i was able to go through the my documents file and dump about about a thousand reports and articles and just throw them out. because either they are already attached to some official file in the sky somewhere OR they just won't matter to me anymore. so i would highlight a bunch of them and hit delete. highlight a bunch more and hit delete. rinse and repeat. until there was nothing left to do but dump the recycle bin. and as happy as i was deleting the files, it was thrilling to dump that bin. whoosh and gone! and it felt great!

so then much later i got on here. and suddenly i thought, "hey, i think i'll dump all this crap too!" not that i'm healed or i'm over anything or i have a new life. but it occured to me that one of the first steps to having a new life someday was getting rid of the old one. throwing out the past.

and it was the de-creation story. on the first day there were a bunch of blogposts. on the next, those went up in smoke. and i deemed it good. not that any phoenix will rise from these ashes or anything. but it just felt good to burn it all down to ground level.

so here is mbb- sans the past.

because as you know- the present can become the past, just like that. and i'm thinking "well- it should."

so the other day, the dog ran away. crazy dog, loves to run. LOVES to run. so he ran. again. and we all set out to look for him. we hunted high and we hunted low. no dog. so i posted on facebook. and a few people responded sympathetically, but one actually said "hey, i've got nothing to do, i'll get in my car."

and so she did. for no particular reason- she just went out and looked. basically because that's the kind of person she is. if a dog is lost, she goes to look for it. if you post you like a plant, she goes out and buys you one. if you say you're bored, she talks to you. that's the kind of person, she ...... was.

and i say was for a reason. this woman actually posted to my facebook page again this morning in a follow-up to the dog (who was found finally) post. she posted at 9:50 this morning. then poof. this afternoon, she up and died.

and that's the thing that i've never been able to grasp about dying. how you can be one second and the next not be. just "poof" and you don't exist. you're gone.

and even when you expect a death. when you know it's going to happen and you've been grieving all along about it as in the case of my sister in law- i just cannot grasp that someone can be just gone like that. just absolutely gone. like my posts. like my past. gone.

and then you feel like you're just falling and you are grasping at everything and anything to try and catch yourself out of that free-fall.

and some people don't understand that. and not only do they not catch you. they push you. away.

and you keep falling. until you come to grips finally. and it's such a long process. and it occurs to me finally, that it doesn't stop until it stops. but you also realize that the only reason it ever stops is because of people like this woman who died, who in each their own ways puts their hands out to help break your fall.

and suddenly you land. in a big leafy pile of the past. and then sometimes, you just feel like torching it all.

and that's what i felt like last night. so that's where mbb went. it was torched in a bonfire.

and today i begin again. and someone who helped me land. well she's just gone.