i got a rock.

my favorite cartoon of all time is the Charlie Brown Halloween special, where they all go trick or treating and after each house compare the loot they are given. Each time Charlie Brown announces sadly, "i got a rock."

this is funny, because this so summarizes a common experience for a lot of us. however well meaning and sincere we might be, when everyone else reaps the rewards of life, we get rocks. (-:

that is not to say that i didn't have a part to play in the creation of many of my own troubles. i own up. i take responsibility for those things. however, what is distressing to me is that even while a great many or even most of my friends and acquaintances put no more thought or care into many of their own bad (or good) decisions, than i did, they someone always seem to get candy anyway. while i got rocks.

and at some point, you really can't do anything but be mildly amused at your own bad fortune. it's either laugh or cry. or just quietly comment with resignation at the contents of your trick or treat bag, as good old Charlie Brown does.

i had the best time yesterday with some good old friends of mine. two couples came down here to visit and hang with me for the day. and it struck me, as it always strikes me, how very happily married these two couples are. and how after all these years, and through thick and thin, their marriages have only grown stronger and better. even while i'd have to say that these two couples are in many ways strikingly different than each other. the commonality though, is that they really would never think of leaving the other, in good times or in bad. there is never any question about forgiving with them. forgiving of each other is a given. always.

i love that. i do. but it does strike in contrast to my own life. they got candy. i got a rock.

now, both these couples know my ex husband. and they were friends with him and they know him to be both a good person and a bad husband to me. they also know that i was not a perfect wife. anyway, i think they all like him still and will often ask me of his well-being. how he's doing, what he's up to. if i've heard from him. and in response, last night, i showed them a piece of sculpture that he'd recently given me. (he made it) and i told them how he'd called me recently to tell me that he hoped his recent endeavors to to promote public schools in the state he lives in now, would in some measure, make up to me for how he'd treated me. and that even if i, too, wasn't perfect, he still feels that he owes me something.

and quite honestly, they (my friends) (and i) find that very sweet. and so in the long run, i guess in the end, i got something more than a rock.

now the other interesting thing to me last night, was at one point in the evening, one of the husbands made reference to the other guy in my life, who turned out to be a rock for me. and it's interesting to me, because really all of my friends and my family absolutely know not ever to mention him to me in any way at all. they really all know tht it's too sore a wound for them to touch. but my friend last night, had the audacity to make a teeny tiny little joke about him.

and what's interesting to me, is that for once, this really didn't hurt. i didn't even wince. in fact, i actually laughed. because it occurred to me that the "joke" was said with the greatest of affection for me. somehow it conveyed to me, that i wasn't considered by my friends to be a "loser" in that relationship or in life, that i wasn't really a loser at all, that i was really was someone of value to them. and that he was indeed a rock. and that i didn't deserve that rock at all.

yes, i'm sure my friend didn't have any idea that his comment, meant all that to me. but just the same it did. and i guess i can say aloud now "yeah, i got a rock, but i sure didn't deserve it."

and it occurs to me today that if i look into my bag of candy here, that scattered in with the rocks are some really sweet things, such as the good friendship of some very wonderful people. and a great family, who loves me. it's really not all rocks at all.

a day without sunshine

from steve martin: a day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

today is not a day without sunshine. it's quite sunny out actually. it's a very pretty day. but oh, so cold. oh so cold. a day without warmth.

a day without warmth, is like, you know, cold.

and that it is.

but no matter, i have a new coat. not dead of winter coat, but a really nice warm fall jacket-coat. and it's the perfect fall day to wear it.

i am happy because i only have to work three hours today and then i'm done for the weekend. it's one of the great joys of my life now, that i work just enough to be happy when the weekend comes, but not so much that i'm so exhausted and want to collapse.

so it's a day with sunshine. i would wish it for all, except for a certain few who deserve no sunshine. for them i wish eternal days without sunshine and no warm coat. i would wish that because i'm just that mean.

a person without kindness is like, you know, mean.

Carrot juice

I do not like it.

I thought I would. I am a great lover of carrots. I am a great lover of tomato juice. But carrot juice?

Ick. Yuck. Disgusting.

Actually, with the exception of tomato juice, grape juice, and cran-almost everything juice, I am not a big lover of juice, in general.

But it's ok. But carrot juice.. Blech. Gag. Yick.

gladness

have i told you lately how very glad and happy i am that i retired and moved? and now i work part time and live in a city?

well, if i haven't, can i tell you how very glad and happy i am that i've retired and moved here to work part time at a job with next to no pressure.

i met up with some old friends tonight. and they asked me if i'd had any second thoughts about it all and without skipping a beat, i answered, "no, NONE!"

these people knew how much i used to work (they were actually my neighbors back in the old town) and they asked if i was ever bored now that i worked just part time. and of course, i answered, "no" again.

and then they asked "what do you do with all your time?"

and first i answered "you know, i couldn't really tell you. a little of this and a little of that. and a lot of nothing. but i've not been bored yet. there's always something to do or somewhere to go if i want to." and then i said "oh yeah, one thing, i know i do more of is sleep."

they looked at me quizzically. i said "back in the day, i never had any time to sleep. and i think it was killing me. i was exhausted all the time. and now i don't have to be to work ever before 9 and it's just wonderful. i feel so much calmer and less overwhelmed. sleep's kind of magical if you ask me."

and just now i read an article about research that suggests that your brain "sweeps" out toxins while you sleep and that there could be a link between lack of sleep and sleep disorders with alzheimer's.

another reason to be so glad.

besties

i've told you before how one of my besties is 20 years my junior. i mention it again, because i do constantly marvel at that. because you would think (or i would have thought) that a person might feel closer to people more of their own vintage. and in lots of ways, i do have that with many of my similar aged peers. i feel closer to them because they know the same histories, the same music, the same references. but on the other hand, my younger bestie actually "gets" me better than my same agers do.

striking evidence of that to me occurred this week. my niece, my mother, my sister in law and i went to one of those paint while you drink events where you all paint the same thing under an instructor's direction. and it was striking as all get out to me how very different all four of our paintings came out.

so i posted all four pictures on facebook and captioned that picture with "can you tell which one is mine?"

and my younger bestie friend replied "yes, it's somewhat calm, but still unique. it's the third one."

bingo. that was it.

and i was amazed. as i have been amazed over the years of knowing this friend that she almost always gets what i'm thinking without me having to say or explain anything.

i like this. and i like that she can also apply this talent to shopping. often she'll pick up something that she sees when she's out shopping that she knows "will be perfect for me." and she's NEVER wrong. everything she ever picks up becomes a staple in my wardrobe.

and i'll never forget one time when one of our mutual friends was confused about how and why i was so equally nice to everyone all the time, whether i liked them or not, her instant reply to them- "you don't get it, she really doesn't care about anything enough to distinguish her response between whether she likes someone or not or even really decide if she likes anyone or not in the first place- and so in laziness, she's just nice to everyone equally."

again, bingo. i'd never actually even thought it out that far- but she was exactly on the money. i really don't care to waste time on such things. i don't care enough about anything to.

anyway, back to the pictures- what also cracked me up, besides that she actually knew which picture was mine, was what she said "it's somewhat calm, but still unique." i guess, i don't honestly ever think of myself as calm, but it appears that other people do. at my new job, i just got asked to do something new because "you are so calm, you're the best person for this job because your calm makes other people calm." but i also think that the reason people think i'm calmer than i am is because i don't say outloud everything that goes through my head. and so what appears on the surface is calmness. and that's why i thought it was interesting that my friend adds the word "somewhat" in her thoughts about my painting. i think she gets that what i might express might have that element of calmness, but it's maybe not all the way calm underneath.

as for the word unique. it's hard to say that i do feel all that unique, because to me, i just feel like me. but i do often get that from people. they'll say things like "you always have a creative idea, so what are you thinking about this?" and i do know that i am often annoyed that other people will assume that i'm thinking what or how they are thinking, when i'm not thinking that at all. but that's kind of my own fault that they might assume something like that, because unless it really matters to me that someone knows i disagree, i won't speak up and say that i'm thinking about something differently. to me, it's not worth the effort, unless it really makes a difference to the outcome of something i care about that anyone knows what i really think. but on the other hand, i guess- woe to everyone if i do actually care, because then i will make the effort to speak up, because i will speak up emphatically then. i guess that's how you can tell that i really care about something- if eventually, i will speak up or not. otherwise, i'm quiet and that makes me appear calm.

so i didn't mean to navel gaze this much again today, back to the point- i'm just amazed that my friend could pick out my painting just from knowing me. i wonder if i could pick out a painting of hers from a field. i'd like to think so.

NOOOOOO!

one of the reasons i love to watch the home & garden network is i love to see how positively spoiled and whiny most of the couples on those househunter shows are. seriously, they cry about the dumbest things. "this isn't granite" "there is no soaker tub." "the backyard isn't the size of a football field." and woe to the world when the couple disagrees about what is important.

whatever. seems to me that if you love someone, you really don't care if you live in a trailer or under a rock, so long as you got to live with that person that you love. but that's just me.

anyway, so tonight, the couple (who are just engaged) in question is looking for a house, and they can only afford so much. and not enough to please the girl. she's wrinkling up her nose. except for the girl's parents have offered to give them more money so they can get something nicer. the girl clearly wants to take the money and get something better. but the guy is clearly uncomfortable with that.

and she's pressuring him. and i just want to scream "NOOOOOOOOOOO- don't give in to her whining!" if she can't be happy living where you can afford, then she won't ever be happy with you. if you are not enough for her- poor, then you should ditch her cuz she's a spoiled brat and she doesn't really love you. and she'll always be wanting more than you have."

now, yes, i did accept some help from my family once, but it was a need, not because i wanted something better. and it wasn't from my inlaws. and the other time in my life, i accepted substantial help from someone else, i will regret for the all rest of my life.

anyway, now i see he caved. and my head is screaming at him- "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! you FOOL!"

the pumpkin of shame

so, i just took a survey as part of a study. and basically, my results were that i have next to no morals. (-: ok. i have some morals, but i seem to have little respect for conventions or conventional authority. at the same time, i seem to favor fairness.

all the same, for no reason last night, i stole a pumpkin. in my defense, i did not steal it for myself. i stole it for a friend. and probably because i'd had a bit of wine in me. and my friend said "i'd really like to have one of those pumpkins." and my thought was "there are a whole bunch of pumpkins here, and they won't miss just one.

and today, i am really ashamed of myself. perhaps more so, because i actually ended up with the pumpkin, and it now sits on my patio. it's the pumpkin of shame. because really, i won't even steal a pen or a paperclip from work. and generally, i won't tell a lie even to get myself out of trouble. if i found a wallet on the street with a fortune it, i'd turn it in somewhere without taking a dime. that's who i am. but last night, i stole a pumpkin. shame on me.

i like it all the same. it's very orange and round.

oh and if you are wondering how i ended up with the pumpkin- here's the story. when my friend said "i'd really like to have one of those pumpkins" unbeknownst to me, one of our other friends also picked up a pumpkin for her. when we got to the car, we discovered we had two. and rather than walk the quarter mile back to where we took them to return the extra pumpkin, we laughed, and then we kept them both. and i was bestowed with the secondary pumpkin.

the pumpkin of shame.

what's wrong with me?

i had three things i could have done tonight. three different things.

but i decided i didn't want to do any of them. so i stayed home.

now i realize that tomorrow i have several things to do that i am committed to. and perhaps that seemed enough to me. but is there something wrong with me that i'd just as soon stay home and do nothing?

i realize that as a grown up i have the right to do or not do whatever i please, but i worry about myself, that i'd rather just do nothing sometimes. or i guess most of the time.

here i sit in a middling sized city chock full of things to do and people to hang with- and yet, i'd rather be home? by myself? am i a hermit?

hell is other people

ain't that the truth?

actually, it isn't. there are some really nice good people in the world. that i like. but then, there are so very many that i wouldn't be unhappy if they wandered over the edge of something and were never heard from again.

the republicans come to mind.

and then there are the people that i actually know that i wish would choke on something.

strange but true

when i was a kid, i had to get braces. and when i'd go to the orthodontist, i'd always have to wait around in the waiting room that seemed to have an enormous collection of comic books, one of which was entitled "strange but true." well, actually, i'm not really sure if that was it's exact name, that might have been a subtitle. but that's what i called them anyway. the strange but trues.

and they were reading candy for the pre-pubescent set. of which i was one. each one would tell tales of absurd, crazy, creepy, sometimes gross, and just plain wierd but supposedly true mysteries. anyway, they fueled my belief in that the world is quite a wierd place sometimes, chock full of things that just cannot be explained.

and so it goes today. remember i told you some time back that i had an inkling that something wierd was afoot somewhere? for no reason, i just felt that something was shifting or changing?

well this evening, i do believe i found out what that was. and what it was, is not important to you, and i'm not going to tell you anyway- but what i'm getting at and trying to tell you about is that i think it's completely wierd how i would feel that. so very strongly. and now i here i find out that something in fact has just occured that had to be in the works about the time that i started strongly feeling the wierdness. strange. but. true.

and as corny as it seems, when things like this happen- i sometimes think that i am just a wee bit psychic. not that i am psychic in anyway or to any degree that it could actually be of benefit to me. but all the same, it's just kind of intriguing to me.

anyway, i'll let you know if i decide to start learning to read tarot cards or tea leaves or packing a crystal ball.