calm during the storms

something seems to have fundamentally changed about me. i have ideas as to why. but i find it strange all the same.

it seems that i'm quite calm. all the time and in most any event. before, during, and after. i used to not be like that. i used to have high, high, high anxiety about almost everything. i was usually worse after the event. thinking about all that might have happened. most people that knew me never knew i was that nervous though. only the people really close to me. but i was nervous about all manner of things.

things like flying. getting places on time. making phone calls. meeting new people. social situations. storms.
the list goes on.

but you know what? i just traveled half way around the world and on trains, planes, and automobiles. oh and busses. and i met new people. in various social situations. and i wasn't nervous or anxious once.

and today, i was right in the middle of a tornado warning. a tornado apparently flew right over me here where i live. and you know what? i wasn't nervous, before-during-or after. i was and am completely calm.

i kind of think it's because i just don't care anymore. about much of anything. and i kind of think that before i used to be more worried about the effects to others, such as and especially my children.

but honestly, i don't really have to worry about them anymore. they are grown up, on their own, and doing well. and even my grandchild. i don't really worry about because his parents firmly have that all covered. and he's old enough now that he has some sense of his own. so none of it is on me.

and i just feel calm. all the time. maybe i'd better check my pulse. perhaps i'm dead.