lost in the stars

http://youtu.be/YUtlk1M3by0

And we're lost out here in the stars
big stars, little stars blowing through the night,
And we're lost out here in the stars
big stars, little stars blowing through the night
And we're lost out here in the stars.

always just an ordinary girl

i freely admit that at times I can be a complete ass. Sometimes I actually know I'm being an ass at the time and do it anyway. other times, well, i really don't realize it until later. sometimes, much later.

but even if i am an ass or can be an ass, the one thing i can say for myself is that usually I'm a reflective ass. i reconsider what i said. what i did. and what i should have said. or should have done. but sadly, sometimes my reflections are equally assy. and sometimes i come back around full circle and decide that i wasn't an ass after all. which probably makes me an even bigger ass.

yeah. i don't know. i suppose i'm really not much different than most people. regrets, we all have a few. but then again, too many to mention. (-:

so yeah, i've done and said a lot of stupid things in my day. things, that when i'm in a low mood, i could kick myself for. but when i'm in a high mood, i shrug off and say, "oh well."

and sometimes i self-congratulate myself on at least being an ass who realizes she's one. and i think that i'm "oh so much better" than the people who are too arrogant to realize how assy they are or were. but you know, i'm not. i know i'm not. and i know that thinking that i'm better than they are puts me in the running for coveted "biggest ass ever."

my x husband once told me that when drinking people are at their most true. that this is when they are really honestly themselves. who they really are. and say how they really feel inside.

and i have to tell you that i disagreed with him then and i still disagree with him now. in my eyes, a drinking you is just a small part of you. that the chemicals in your brain are mixing up your brain as well as overriding some better parts of your brain. or at least the inhibitory parts of your brain. you may think something like, "i truly hate that bitch and wish she'd die" but the truly honest part of you is really saying, "i don't like her, but i don't believe anyone should die because i don't like them. i just sincerely wish that she'd never lived."

i'm very shy. very. i truly find it very hard to talk to people in social settings. up and until i start to drink. and then there is a brief moment of time, when i'm uninhibited enough to be funny and social. but that's a very brief period that lapses into incoherent and ridiculous all too fast.

so who is me? the sober me? the just half a glass of wine me or the fully out of my mind me?

i don't think people who drink are more honest. i think they are more inclined to say outrageous things or think outrageous things. it goes something like this. you might be thinking, "gosh, i'd like to talk to that person, but i can't think of anything to say" so you stay quiet. then on first drink, you might find the courage to go say, "hey, i just heard what you said, and here's what i'm wondering...." 2nd drink might find you saying, "you know really, i think what you're saying is truly stupid, but i like you for other reasons. 3rd drink and it could go either way, either an angry encounter which you'd never have while sober or an "i love you, man" moment.

but you aren't really angry and you're not really in love. not when you wake up the next day.

i like to drink. i'm not going to lie. that first glass of wine makes me genuinely happy. usually the second one too. but after that, people should always cut me off. always. i no longer have any judgement left as to what should be said or what should be left unsaid or what should be said instead.

that explains a lot of emails and a lot of blogposts right there. no one was here to cut me off. (-: not that i blame anyone but myself.

but i'm digressing. this post is not about the evils of drink. that's just something that's more likely to bring out the ass in me. trust me. i can be an ass without touching a drop. a lazy, vindictive, hurtful, hapless ass. i can make bad decisions. say things I feel so inarticulately that you think i'm saying the opposite of what i'm trying to say.

but you know what? i can also be a really good person. i can be quite kind. quite empathetic (although rarely sympathetic.) i can be exceedingly generous. i can be creative. i can work really hard. i can have intelligent thoughts from time to time. i can be fiercely loyal. i care about a lot more things than you will ever know i do.
i understand a lot more than you've ever given me credit for. i try really hard. and i mean, really hard, to listen and understand people. i try even harder than that not to be selfish. or petty. or judgmental. i am actually an optimist. i do truly believe there is always the potential for things to be better. and for people to forgive. and for people to come to true understandings. i believe fully that a person should always strive to recognize a sincere apology when they hear one.

so who is me? who is me really? well, you've "seen them all and man, they're all the same." i'm just about like you, you know. just about like everyone.

and while i sincerely wish you wouldn't have judged me so harshly, and sincerely wish that you'd chosen to see all of me instead of just the ass part, i guess i can't say that i should have ever expected anything more from you or anyone. it's just sad that i did.

"But it's just the same hard candy
You're remembering again
You send your lover off to China
Then you wait for her to call
You put your girl up on a pedestal
Then you wait for her to fall
I put my summer's back in a letter
And I hide it from the world
All the regrets you can't forget
Are somehow pressed upon a picture
In the face of such an ordinary girl "

pick a card

so on sunday, some friends and i went to see a psychic/tarot card reader. oh me. and oh my. if all of what the psychic said comes true, i'm going to have quite the life from here on out.

we'll see if it all comes pans out. i will know by the first of the year as that is when the first thing is supposed to change, according to sunday's seer. and if i don't see the first proposed change by then, then we can probably deduce that psychic predictions are just so much hokum. so, i'll keep you posted.

i have to say that i did kind of get a kick out of it though. i especially got a kick out him telling me that he believed i had some psychic ability myself, that i had four angels about me at all time- two of whom were loved ones who had passed on and two of whom were stranger angels, and that it was quite clear that i am a natural, although reluctant, leader. (the last thing is something that every personality test i've ever taken concurs with. and that i can only be convinced to take the lead when i'm quite sure that everyone else will completely eff things up.)

anyway, he also said that i will live to be quite old. which i doubt. and that i'm a worrier (which is true) and that because of this, i'm unwilling to trust that things will work out or that people will do the right things. oh and one more thing. he said that he was quite quite sure that i was some kind of teacher. well, and how about that? that's what i was/sorta and am/sorta. he also said i'd have thyroid problems. which was wrong of course, because i already do have thyroid problems.

so who the heck knows? one thing i became quite convinced of while this guy was talking to me though, was that he truly believed himself to be psychic and that his visions were true. he did not really think that he was ripping me off for 15 bucks.

it wasn't the worst money i've ever spent though. it's provided me with much amusement.

as the world turns. on a dime.

i got my haircut today and bought a rug.

that's the short story. a longer story is that my hair cut is beyond adorable. maybe the best haircut i've ever had. and that my rug, i got at a low, low, low, low discount price.

a seriously good good day, i'd say.

an even longer story would be to tell you that i HATE long hair on women my age. i HATE it. i don't care how nice of hair it is or whether your husband or boyfriend likes it, it smacks of "i can't accept that i'm older." and it makes you look older, whether you know it or not. or whether it does or not, because it just looks like you can't accept who you are. and that's just ugly. anyway, over the summer, my hair just plain got too long. it went from good to dragging my face down. so even while everytime i get my hair cut it makes me nervous, i went today. because i couldn't stand it anymore. and since i hate planning ahead, i went to the cheap walk in places and took my chances.

oh anyway, the point is- my hair cut looks both cute and rather sexy. (i feel fine saying that because once i had the ugliest haircut ever.) anyway, later today I tried on a dress, heels, jewelry that i plan on wearing to a rather important event next week. and while i probably won't photograph well, because i usually don't, i can tell you that in person, i'm going to look good.

and it makes me laugh. because my haircut was 13 bucks and i kid you not, my dress which is super nice was all of 9.99. really. i'm telling you- it cost me 9 dollars and 99 cents. crazy crazy deal from last spring. so ok, my shoes were more. but i bought them some 10 years ago, so they don't count. so for all of less than 25 bucks, because i need to buy a new pair of pantyhose, i'm going to look like a million. that makes me happy.

and then my rug. this hallway runner rug was $229 dollars. and it wound up costing me 28 bucks. SCORE! don't even ask me how i finagled that. because to tell the truth, i'm not even sure i understood how it happened. but my home is brightened up for next to nothing. seriously, i've walked on it all evening just for the sake of walking on it and looking at it.

so you wonder why i go on about this and why more important things aren't on my mind? well, the truth is that many more important things are on my mind. that i was thrilled about the nobel peace prize awards. tthat education issues in my state are at a critical point with midterm elections are coming up. that i'm struggling with trying to be the bigger and more kind person with a long time friend, even while it hurts my feelings a bit. and brings up bad memories of other things.

yeah. there's all that, that is so much more important. but you know? sometimes i just need to be delighted by things to keep the world turning for me. and i have to tell you that being able to pull off things that look good on a poverty budget makes me happy as all heck.

Vehicle of novelists and poets

do you know what's delightful?

riding your bike to work.

i mention this because it is. delightful.

after years and years of driving, driving, driving, driving from school to school to school to school- you know what i do now? i get up, get dressed, and ride my bike to work to work. and just stay there. until i ride my bike home again.

it's really, as i said, delightful.

i'm going to be sad when it gets too cold for that.

but i'm riding for as long as i can. i even bought a little hat and some sporty warm gloves so as to extend my rides into the late fall and early winter.

"The bicycle, the bicycle surely, should always be the vehicle of novelists and poets." ~ Christopher Morley