always just an ordinary girl

i freely admit that at times I can be a complete ass. Sometimes I actually know I'm being an ass at the time and do it anyway. other times, well, i really don't realize it until later. sometimes, much later.

but even if i am an ass or can be an ass, the one thing i can say for myself is that usually I'm a reflective ass. i reconsider what i said. what i did. and what i should have said. or should have done. but sadly, sometimes my reflections are equally assy. and sometimes i come back around full circle and decide that i wasn't an ass after all. which probably makes me an even bigger ass.

yeah. i don't know. i suppose i'm really not much different than most people. regrets, we all have a few. but then again, too many to mention. (-:

so yeah, i've done and said a lot of stupid things in my day. things, that when i'm in a low mood, i could kick myself for. but when i'm in a high mood, i shrug off and say, "oh well."

and sometimes i self-congratulate myself on at least being an ass who realizes she's one. and i think that i'm "oh so much better" than the people who are too arrogant to realize how assy they are or were. but you know, i'm not. i know i'm not. and i know that thinking that i'm better than they are puts me in the running for coveted "biggest ass ever."

my x husband once told me that when drinking people are at their most true. that this is when they are really honestly themselves. who they really are. and say how they really feel inside.

and i have to tell you that i disagreed with him then and i still disagree with him now. in my eyes, a drinking you is just a small part of you. that the chemicals in your brain are mixing up your brain as well as overriding some better parts of your brain. or at least the inhibitory parts of your brain. you may think something like, "i truly hate that bitch and wish she'd die" but the truly honest part of you is really saying, "i don't like her, but i don't believe anyone should die because i don't like them. i just sincerely wish that she'd never lived."

i'm very shy. very. i truly find it very hard to talk to people in social settings. up and until i start to drink. and then there is a brief moment of time, when i'm uninhibited enough to be funny and social. but that's a very brief period that lapses into incoherent and ridiculous all too fast.

so who is me? the sober me? the just half a glass of wine me or the fully out of my mind me?

i don't think people who drink are more honest. i think they are more inclined to say outrageous things or think outrageous things. it goes something like this. you might be thinking, "gosh, i'd like to talk to that person, but i can't think of anything to say" so you stay quiet. then on first drink, you might find the courage to go say, "hey, i just heard what you said, and here's what i'm wondering...." 2nd drink might find you saying, "you know really, i think what you're saying is truly stupid, but i like you for other reasons. 3rd drink and it could go either way, either an angry encounter which you'd never have while sober or an "i love you, man" moment.

but you aren't really angry and you're not really in love. not when you wake up the next day.

i like to drink. i'm not going to lie. that first glass of wine makes me genuinely happy. usually the second one too. but after that, people should always cut me off. always. i no longer have any judgement left as to what should be said or what should be left unsaid or what should be said instead.

that explains a lot of emails and a lot of blogposts right there. no one was here to cut me off. (-: not that i blame anyone but myself.

but i'm digressing. this post is not about the evils of drink. that's just something that's more likely to bring out the ass in me. trust me. i can be an ass without touching a drop. a lazy, vindictive, hurtful, hapless ass. i can make bad decisions. say things I feel so inarticulately that you think i'm saying the opposite of what i'm trying to say.

but you know what? i can also be a really good person. i can be quite kind. quite empathetic (although rarely sympathetic.) i can be exceedingly generous. i can be creative. i can work really hard. i can have intelligent thoughts from time to time. i can be fiercely loyal. i care about a lot more things than you will ever know i do.
i understand a lot more than you've ever given me credit for. i try really hard. and i mean, really hard, to listen and understand people. i try even harder than that not to be selfish. or petty. or judgmental. i am actually an optimist. i do truly believe there is always the potential for things to be better. and for people to forgive. and for people to come to true understandings. i believe fully that a person should always strive to recognize a sincere apology when they hear one.

so who is me? who is me really? well, you've "seen them all and man, they're all the same." i'm just about like you, you know. just about like everyone.

and while i sincerely wish you wouldn't have judged me so harshly, and sincerely wish that you'd chosen to see all of me instead of just the ass part, i guess i can't say that i should have ever expected anything more from you or anyone. it's just sad that i did.

"But it's just the same hard candy
You're remembering again
You send your lover off to China
Then you wait for her to call
You put your girl up on a pedestal
Then you wait for her to fall
I put my summer's back in a letter
And I hide it from the world
All the regrets you can't forget
Are somehow pressed upon a picture
In the face of such an ordinary girl "