So, I'm sure all grandparents are in love with their grandchildren. I am no exception. And i don't know if this is pc to say or even if it makes sense, but I think it's easier to love your grandchildren than it is to love your children. I guess because you don't feel that pressing responsibility to get things right with your grandchildren that you did with your children. Your only real job is to love them. And enjoy their sweetness and their silliness.
And their perfection and their imperfection. And even when/if you are worried about them, you have the longer view that comes with age maybe- that nothing really matters except making sure that grandchild knows he is loved.
Anyway, it's a good gig being a grandma. And I'm happy to be one.
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Monday, May 25, 2015
Everything is not everything
I read that. In a book about a mathematics professor seeking out the origin of the numeral zero. The guy related the concept of zero back to Hindu and Buddhist roots. And that's where "everything is not everything" comes in. Eastern philosophy.
That's quite the concept, yes? As is "anything is true, or false, or both true and false, or neither true or false."
All this reminded me how small my mind is. math And eastern (and western) logic mystifies me, really. But even so, I have to say that to me there is something soothing and comforting in the everything is not everything concept. It can be stretched in my head to mean that even if things suck, that isn't the final view or only way it's ever going to seem. I know that's not really what it has to do with, but i don't think there's any harm in understanding it in a way that makes you feel better.
That's either true, false, not true, both, or neither, right?
That's quite the concept, yes? As is "anything is true, or false, or both true and false, or neither true or false."
All this reminded me how small my mind is. math And eastern (and western) logic mystifies me, really. But even so, I have to say that to me there is something soothing and comforting in the everything is not everything concept. It can be stretched in my head to mean that even if things suck, that isn't the final view or only way it's ever going to seem. I know that's not really what it has to do with, but i don't think there's any harm in understanding it in a way that makes you feel better.
That's either true, false, not true, both, or neither, right?
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Avoiding the issue
Well then. It's a cold day in hell. Well,ok. I don't really know about hell, but good gosh, it's cold out here. Here is not hell. It's not heaven either, of course, but it's much farther away from hell than my life used to be.
Let's count the not hell things:
1. I like my semi-employed status. A lot.
2. I like that I'm not chronically sleep deprived like I was for sooooo many years.
3. I like my friends. I have good ones and some really great ones.
4. I love my family. I do.
5. I love my cheap apartment.
6. My car has been dependable, even if it is red.
7. There is sherbet in my freezer.
8. I like that I can ride my bike to work.
9. I like summer, and maybe someday it will be here.
10. I like that I can watch old re-runs of grey's anatomy while I'm on the treadmill.
11. I like that I live right beside the walking trail.
12. I like that I can stop writing this list whenever I want.
Which is now.
Let's count the not hell things:
1. I like my semi-employed status. A lot.
2. I like that I'm not chronically sleep deprived like I was for sooooo many years.
3. I like my friends. I have good ones and some really great ones.
4. I love my family. I do.
5. I love my cheap apartment.
6. My car has been dependable, even if it is red.
7. There is sherbet in my freezer.
8. I like that I can ride my bike to work.
9. I like summer, and maybe someday it will be here.
10. I like that I can watch old re-runs of grey's anatomy while I'm on the treadmill.
11. I like that I live right beside the walking trail.
12. I like that I can stop writing this list whenever I want.
Which is now.
Friday, May 8, 2015
Let's face it...
So you all know that the reason I started this blog was to have somewhere to put my feelings. It wasn't to communicate great ideas. I mean, you know, i don't really have any of those. It wasn't to entertain. Clearly- because while friends sometimes tell me I'm quite funny, on here I am not, really. I never strive much for levity, anyway. And it sure wasn't to communicate with anyone because let's face it- there are about 2 people who ever read this blog.
So, as I said, this blog was about somewhere to throw out my feelings to someone, anyone, who will listen. Because let's face it, if a tree screams in a forest and no one is around to hear it- it hasn't really screamed at all, has it? Again- if there really ever is anyone listening. It's sort of a message in a bottle crapshoot, I guess.
So, I'm reminded of why I started this today because of someone else's grief. And the thought that this person might need to speak to a counselor. Which in theory, I think is a good idea. But here's the rub- I would want this person's counselor to be really good. Really good. And let's face it, there are so very few people (psychologists) that really are any good. I know this. I tried a lot of them before i wound up here. And please don't think I'm a spoiled brat who won't listen or heed any counseling advice. I listened good. And i heeded much too much and I am convinced now that I just plain wasted a huge amount of money.
Because here is what I know after all these years, many tears, money spent, crazy things done, and angry tirades spoken- I know that anyone who walks away from you while you're grieving, complicating your grief multiple times over , is a plain old fxxxing asshat. A miserable human being. And a jerk. I don't care what other nice qualities they might have, or things they have accomplished in life or even if they are mother Theresa or if you love them beyond your life itself, or if your behavior and words were jerky too. I don't care. And that's what they should have told me from day one. And on day two, they should have figured out a plan to have me find a way to better dispell my grief. Like for instance, you know what would have helped me? If one of them would have said- "it's ok if you write him- write away, just before you hit send- let's you and I talk over what you wrote. Then if you still want to send it- have at it." give me a plan that addressed what I needed and help me! You know?
THAT would have helped me a lot! Instead I got all this wasted time- let's talk through your feelings, let's give you an anti-depressant, let's explore your past, life is a journey, grief is a wondrous part of the human experience kinda crap that I got.
So ok, I've vented for myself here- as this blog was intended for. But now I want to talk about what I think will help this person I know who is grieving- a plan! A plan about where to put and express what they are feeling. A place to put those feelings. and An action plan to use when it all gets to be too much.
Because, let's face it. Sometimes it is. Just too much.
So, as I said, this blog was about somewhere to throw out my feelings to someone, anyone, who will listen. Because let's face it, if a tree screams in a forest and no one is around to hear it- it hasn't really screamed at all, has it? Again- if there really ever is anyone listening. It's sort of a message in a bottle crapshoot, I guess.
So, I'm reminded of why I started this today because of someone else's grief. And the thought that this person might need to speak to a counselor. Which in theory, I think is a good idea. But here's the rub- I would want this person's counselor to be really good. Really good. And let's face it, there are so very few people (psychologists) that really are any good. I know this. I tried a lot of them before i wound up here. And please don't think I'm a spoiled brat who won't listen or heed any counseling advice. I listened good. And i heeded much too much and I am convinced now that I just plain wasted a huge amount of money.
Because here is what I know after all these years, many tears, money spent, crazy things done, and angry tirades spoken- I know that anyone who walks away from you while you're grieving, complicating your grief multiple times over , is a plain old fxxxing asshat. A miserable human being. And a jerk. I don't care what other nice qualities they might have, or things they have accomplished in life or even if they are mother Theresa or if you love them beyond your life itself, or if your behavior and words were jerky too. I don't care. And that's what they should have told me from day one. And on day two, they should have figured out a plan to have me find a way to better dispell my grief. Like for instance, you know what would have helped me? If one of them would have said- "it's ok if you write him- write away, just before you hit send- let's you and I talk over what you wrote. Then if you still want to send it- have at it." give me a plan that addressed what I needed and help me! You know?
THAT would have helped me a lot! Instead I got all this wasted time- let's talk through your feelings, let's give you an anti-depressant, let's explore your past, life is a journey, grief is a wondrous part of the human experience kinda crap that I got.
So ok, I've vented for myself here- as this blog was intended for. But now I want to talk about what I think will help this person I know who is grieving- a plan! A plan about where to put and express what they are feeling. A place to put those feelings. and An action plan to use when it all gets to be too much.
Because, let's face it. Sometimes it is. Just too much.
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Holding it
My friend asked me if I felt finally that I knew who I was. We were discussing life and all that. I said, after some thought, that i did. Because at this point in my life I finally feel free to be who I am. I am not bound by any circumstances to be anything other than who I want to be.
And I like that. I have nothing to hold in or hold back. And it strikes me that not much good comes to anyone or anything for people holding things in or holding back. Doing so really hurts people, I think. Moreover, I think it hurts you.
Oh anyway. Another friend recently asked me if I was happy. And you know? I just might be. I'll hold onto that.
And I like that. I have nothing to hold in or hold back. And it strikes me that not much good comes to anyone or anything for people holding things in or holding back. Doing so really hurts people, I think. Moreover, I think it hurts you.
Oh anyway. Another friend recently asked me if I was happy. And you know? I just might be. I'll hold onto that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
