Crossing the lines

So, i crossed over a line the other day. A personal line of behavior that i set for myself. The line wasi would never call someone a derogatory name or assign them a derogatory classification in public. That goes for individuals and for groups. I will allow myself to call someone's actions stupid though, because i don't think that's unkind or unfair to state my belief or my personal judgment that an action is stupid or any other adjective I might use.

Some might say my line is too fine and i should refrain from that too. But that's not how I feel about it, so it's not where I draw my personal line.

anyway, I'm not going to argue that with you. If you think that makes me a bitch or unkind or that I think I'm a god or something, that's ok. That's your opinion. It's just not mine. If you'd like some shinier penny who walks like she's on a rainbow and talks like a flower all the time, you go on ahead. And marry her. That's just not me. And i don't think it's healthy.

That all said- i will actually really hold back a critique, if I know the person who committed the action is sick or injured, is grieving,or cognitively disabled or mentally ill. I'm at least that kind ok? and even if you give me no reason to hold back, another line i draw is that i will try to make it known that any judgment of your behavior is my opinion only. I will say that I could probably do a better job of that than I do. Sometimes I give you enough or too much credit for knowing that. And I shouldn't.

So now- all that said! I will tell you how I crossed my line the other day. And why. And the why is NOT an excuse; simply a notation so you'll understand my thoughts.

So, I'll start with why. It started with my answering in the comment section, my thoughts on someone's FB posts. Actually, it wasn't a statement, it was a question. But it was the kind of question that implied my thought while it asked. And so someone answered. Not with a question or an answer or a rebuttal, but with an insult to me.

Some other people joined the thread and made arguments. I ignored her insult and answered the other posts. But then, she insulted me again. So this time, i spoke up for myself. And all was ok until later in the discussion, I cited an article. And wham. She came at me again.

At this point, I was plenty angry, but I knew that a bully can feed off your answers if they are not strong enough. And quite honestly, by this time, I was fairly convinced that while maybe she wasn't cognitively disabled,she wasn't all that bright. But I was still angry, so i pleaded my case to the originator of the thread. Telling him, that since he knew her, he needed to get her to stop OR I was afraid my anger was going to get the better of me. And if it did- I was quite convinced I would take it upon myself to annihilate her, verbally.

The person took the thread down. Ended it. But, I was still angry because he hadn't really stood up to the bully and told her that her behavior was out of line. I felt that he should. As my friend. And as a bystander to bullying.

So suffice it to say. I was angry. And admittedly immature about it. And in a post about something similar as the original topic, i labelled Republicans as stupid.

Childish, oh hell yes. Over my personal line. You betcha. But, I did it all the same.

And i am both sorry and ashamed. As I should be. And I am vowing to try to never, even if angry, cross that line again. I hope to be successful.

Here's what I am up against though. In my heart of hearts, where I can be true with my feelings, I actually do think a lot, if not most Republicans are just not very bright. And the ones that I think might be bright, i think are either ignorant, delusional, or worst of all- uncaring and unkind and selfish. I am stressing first that this is ONLY my opinion. And I am stressing second that I realize I'm crossing my line right this second. Just know though, that I'm only crossing it because I am trying to help you understand why my vow is a hard thing for me. In the same way, it's difficult for someone consumed with racism to hold themself back from behaving as a racist, it's hard for me to hold back my beliefs.

Another thing that makes this hard is that I'm human. And when I'm sick or stressed or grieving or angry or hurt, I am pretty weak. And while I believe it is still my responsibility to find a way to cope with any of those things, I truly am not mother theresa and I know it. So, hopefully on any day that I might slip, you will be. And you'll forgive.

Once in a land far away and in a time that was fictional, i voiced an opinion about something to a person who I loved, very much. An action, more or less. But because i was anxious and I was writing quickly, i dropped a comma from what I was saying. That comma would have made what i said what I really wanted to say. That I thought someone was trying to make a buck off his worries and concerns at the expense of those worries and concerns. The lack of comma made it sound like I was insulting him personally. When I explained, i was told I was forgiven. But the truth of the matter is that I never really was. And it later became plaster in a wall between us.

And so maybe I am still wrong to judge or express my judgments or opinions. But here's a rub with that. If I don't do that, I feel that I'm not speaking up against evil. Whether it is real or only my perception. So, in the end, I still have to keep my line where it is. I just really need to do a much better job of not crossing my line.