the shape of my heart

it's pretty snowy out. it's valentine's day and i have no valentine. and i've done nothing but what i please all day. and it's not been not nice. not thrilling, but within the frame of things- quite nice.

i had a nice facetime call from my grandson. and he asked me to show him the view out my window when i told him there was snow. the view through my phone camera looked pretty beautiful. perhaps even more beautiful than it was. it looked pretty through the frame.

so last night a friend gave me and another friend free tickets to a show with the city's philharmonic. and he gave us each a candy. apparently, he thought we'd be feeling alone on this saturday night. sorta sweet.

and it was nice. and also nice was my friend telling me that from here on out in her life, she was going to try to be more like me. ha. yeah. i know. what? but apparently she admires my calm in life. and that i seem fairly happy even though i don't have much.

and it's true. i don't have much. but i have all i really need.

and conversely..

i told her that earlier in the week that some other friends were asking me what i'd given up for lent. and i said, i haven't given up anything for lent. i can't give up anything for lent. i need everything i have. i take anything out. and it upsets the delicate balance.

and i think that's the secret. keeping the balance. keeping inside the frame.

when i was a little kid, i was sort of fascinated by the symmetry used in cutting out a construction paper heart. and i was also fascinated with the fact that after you cut your heart out, the scraps also formed a heart. you had the outline of a heart. and a heartshaped hole that you could look at the things of your life through.

and that's kinda how i feel about Valentine's day. i can look through the cutout and see the things in my life that i love. and visually ignore what's outside the borders.

and that's the balance and frame i need for being happy. and the shape of my heart.

moonshadows

so while i was waiting for someone's plane to get in this morning, i was listening to part of a tedtalk on happiness. and you know how i feel about tedtalks. but there i was. waiting for the plane. with nothing to do. so i was listening to this. and the first thing the guy said was that people a year after winning the lottery and people a year after becoming paralyzed rate themselves as being about the same amount of happy.

so then the guy went on to explain that our ability to not get hung up on bad stuff and move on was because of our big old humany frontal lobes. and he said you pretty much get over anything at all after about three months. because. your frontal lobe. apparently, it has the ability to look ahead. to the future and stuff. which helps you get over stuff. hmmm

well, and maybe that's so for most people. but me, i must have the tiniest frontal lobe in the world. or perhaps i have frontal lobe damage. perhaps i have trouble seeing the future.

so then the plane landed and i didn't get to hear the rest of the tedyak. and i'm wondering now if he ever explained why lottery winners weren't happier than people who can't walk. and i also wonder if he ever talked about people who were paraplegics and who had also won a lottery. how happy were they?

i guess i could go look it up to listen to the rest of it. not right now though.

"And if I ever lose my eyes
If my colors all run dry
Yes, if I ever lose my eyes
Ooh, I won't have to cry no more"