Xistential thoughts

So my x is here for a visit to see the grandson and friends. And while we have turned into two very different people and there is much history that is not good, we do seem to be able to get along and we do actually seem to be able to talk to each other.

And I have to admit that he's even been a bit sympathetic towards me and even comforting to me. And complimentary. He told me that he tells his friends how grateful he is that his children turned out well and that he tells them he had nothing to do with it, but that they were just lucky they had a great mother.

And then later he asked me if something about my current situation ever bothered me. And I was so amazed at the question and that he perceived something about the situation and was concerned. And so when he asked me the question, I was for a moment a bit speechless. And then I finally choked out. " yes. What it does is- is hurt my feelings tremendously." something I could never have admitted to him in years past. I would never have let my defenses down to admit that something hurt me.

And then he quietly said "I'm sorry." and " i don't blame you. It does seem very hurtful."


And I said "but there is nothing I can do, I don't think.". And then he said, "probably not, but i think space and distance will make it feel better."

I do hope he's right. I'm not sure he's right, but I hope so. But here is what was so interesting about all this to me- that he was doing something that it didn't ever seem to me like he ever did when we were married and that was that he was listening and considering how I felt and acknowledging that I had a right to my feelings.

And having him do all that actually made me feel a little bit better. And it was nice to feel like I could confide in someone who didn't dismiss my feelings or become defensive or tell me to suck it up.

And it strikes me that between the two of us there is now a great level of forgiveness that allows all this. I'm very grateful for it. And I wish him well.