i've been having this email conversation with my daughter about this, that, and the other. about various and assorted sundries. except that's not exactly right, the topics, although numerous, were not exactly "small" to us. actually the conversation has been about some fairly major things happening in our lives. her job. my job hopes. her relationship. other stuff. significant to us.
and pretty much right now, things are at a standstill for both of us. not bad. not good. just limbo. and i threw out "why do i hear tom petty playing in my head?" meaning the song lyric- "the waiting is the hardest part..."
and she writes back and says "you hear tom petty because he is the soundtrack to our lives." and goes on to explain that she has often heard snippets of tom petty lyrics in her head during prominent moments in her life.
oh she makes me laugh. because i do too. "waiting" right now because i'm waiting to hear about a job, which means i'm waiting to hear where i'll live. which means my life is basically all held up and i hate it. i just want to get "there." whereever "there" is.
but then i started reflecting on various other moments in my life and the attached lyrics- "won't back down... you can stand me up at the gates of hell, but i won't back down" for when i stood up to a boss pressing me to do something illegal and wrong. and for when my ex was pushing to move back when it wasn't safe yet."
and "the waiting" for a different situation- back when i was in love.
and "don't do me like that" for when someone was ripping my heart out.
and then i got to "an american girl" which everyone seems to think is about suicide but it's not. not in my head. in my head it's about being disillusioned by life and the things that happen to you and at a terrible moment wanting to jump over the edge because someone has let you down. and then realizing that it is up to you and nobody else but you to keep going. because nobody else is ever going to keep those promises you were raised on. because you are the only one you can ever really trust.
i seem to have that moment over and over again in my life. it's a perpetual theme song for me.
"oh yeah, all right, take it easy girl, make it last all night.. oh yeah, "i'm" an american girl."
Saturday, July 21, 2012
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I finally had a minute to catch up with these posts. Glad i did. All very good.
I'm excited for you....you aren't standing still there girl. The good thing is you are not doing nothing and expecting things to get better. That means you pass the insanity test first and, second, it means things will change. And odds are the change will be for the better. How much better is yet to be seen. Change is always a work in progress. But i think you'll manage that process well and a year from now you'll look back and be amazed at how comfortable you are and how glad you've pushed yourself to do what you did.
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