snapshot

i haven't seen it, but my daughter tells me of a photo she took of me while we were on vacation that a couple of people she knows have responded to. one saying "your mother looks very strong and dignified."

i like that. i'd like to appear to be a strong and dignified person. what i'd like even better is if i actually were a strong and dignified person.

ironically, i read an article today about the 10 things you should do or not do if someone dumps you, in order to preserve your dignity. you know how many of those things i did "right?" exactly 2. otherwise i was a textbook case of what not to do.

the worst things i did that i shouldn't have were that i tried to hang on and i didn't just delete him from everywhere.

which brings to mind a quote i read recently that said something to the effect "if love doesn't hold him, then what makes you think your words will? walk away."

and so yeah- completely lost my dignity on that one. completely and utterly.

am i more dignified today? have i gained some in the years since? i'd like to think so. i would actually like to think that if it happened today i'd have enough dignity to tell him to go straight to hell and then turn and walk quickly the other way. that IS what i should have done. silly me though- i loved him. and i thought somehow he'd remember that he loved me if myself or someone said the right thing. what didn't ever seem to occur to me was that if he really loved me in the first place, he wouldn't have dumped me. he would have stopped to consider the other side of things instead.

love, it truly makes you stupid, huh? and certainly not dignified.

ironically one of the things he and i disagreed about always was whether people could actually change. he thought not. i thought so. and i still think so. and so i think that quite possibly someday i actually could be a dignified person, just like the woman in the picture.