the things you pray for.

i'm not a praying man. ok, let's be accurate, i'm not a praying woman.

praying never seemed to help me. so one day, i just quit. and then after i thought about it all, i realized how silly i'd ever been to pray at all.

so as i said, i'm not a prayin' woman.

but once upon a time i was. and let me tell you, i was a bad pray-er. i mean, i prayed selfishly. for things that i wanted to happen. to my credit though, i did quite often say "thank you" for certain blessings i thought (at the time) that i'd been given. cuz i was so grateful. and i guess also, i did used to pray that the being i was praying to would keep the people i loved and cared about safe from harm. i was at least that nice.

but i was also sorta crazy about it. because i worried that the being i was praying to might think i didn't deserve stuff. so i used to be a "deal pray-er." i'd say "ok, i'll give up x, if you make sure y happens. and that would lead me to speculate on what exactly i would trade for what. and often, i'd say "ok, if you just make sure my children are happy, i will give up everything that i ever wanted for myself."

because my children being happy and loved is the one thing that i wanted and still want most of all.

so fast forward. here i am today, and i'm not a pray-er. but i seem to have gotten exactly what i prayed for. i got my deal. i gave up what i once prayed for for myself, and now it seems that both of my children are happy.

and it does fill me with much joy.

so my daughter recently got married. and yes, most usually a marriage is cause for joy. but oh my heavens, now that i've met her new husband and seen with my own eyes how he loves her, adores her, listens to her, understands her, cares about her, and treats her, and i felt the regard he had for me, as her mother; i am absolutely pierced with happiness for her. i could not dream of better for her. i honestly could not dream of better for anyone. i really can't. he's simply a wonderful man.

and of course as we gathered to celebrate, i got to spend time with my son and his wife and my grandson. and i was so absolutely touched by the sweetness of their little family. and my son, he seems to be living a very happy life as well. my grandson is well adjusted and loved and happy. and i give my wonderful daughter in law tons and tons of credit in the world for putting and keeping this little family together. and i marvel at my son who has grown into such a good man. to watch him coach his son's baseball team is another joy, beyond description. it's touching, really. to watch him in action.

i'm so very proud of both my children. it seems they both "turned out" despite my many blunders and despite my profound imperfectness as a parent. and i'm so very happy for both of them.

and as i reflect on everything, i cannot come up with any good reason why it has all turned out this way. and even though it's silly, i almost have to wonder if maybe it was the praying.