wackaworld

isn't it weird when people who really ought to be mad at you- aren't.

yet- people who have no business being mad at you- are.

the world's wacky place, i tell ya.

no, i do not care to have the interpretation of that dream.

i get it. what my brain is trying to tell me.

so senator ted cruz. he's quite the jerk, huh? "green eggs and ham?" and he quotes it while completely missing the point of it. what a tool.

and yeah, i see flaws in universal healthcare. but seriously? this ted cruz guy's a tool.

read anything good lately? i'm reading something really strange right now that i got free off of amazon. i even forget the name of it, and i'm too lazy to walk back into the bedroom, to get it. anyway, it's about how rich people are screwing with poor people, although written some time ago about another time. but it surely could be now. i really need to download the new ravitch book. i can't wait to read that.

ha. omg. i just turned john stewart on. and he's reading "the bore-ax" - a parody of cruz's reading. ha ha.

anyway. so what else? my cold is better. my job is happy. and i'm still glad to be here.

tomorrow, in addition to downloading the book and going to work, i need to go to the grocery store and do my laundry. the cupboard really is bare. and i'm out of unmentionables. i've just been either too busy or too sleeping to get to those things.

so that's about it. i'm going to watch the rest of stewart, then colbert, and then read my strange book. and fall asleep.

and maybe i'll dream another dream that i do not care to have an interpretation of.

over the edge

last night dreamed this: i was scampering along a path. yes, i know scampering is a goofy word, but that best describes what i was doing. i was scampering- not running. not walking. not hopping. scampering.

so i'm scampering along this path and on the edges of the path, there is foliage. flowers, shrubs, etc. mixed in with rocks. and i'm happy.

i'm just scampering for no reason what-so-ever, down this path. happy.

then i become aware of my view to my right. it's a breath-taking sight across a canyon and down to a clear blue/white stream. and a mountain on the other side.

and just when i realize that i'm very close to the edge of the path- and that this edge drops down into this canyon- the ground breaks under my right foot.

and that's when i wake up. when i'm struggling to grasp something or regain my balance. on the crumbling ground. and there is that horrible fear that i'm going to fall.

and i wake up.

and i think "wow, i'm glad that wasn't true."

cooking once, cooking twice

cooking chicken soup with rice.

i actually am. cooking chicken soup with rice, that is. cuz i'm not going to lie, i kinda feel like crap. don't you hate the common cold?

and don't you hate how whiny people become when they've caught one?

well, too bad. i'm going to be whiny today. and in fact, i'm going to declare this "the worst sunday ever."

even if it's not that bad.

but, because i don't feel well because of this stupid cold, and having to drive 3 hours while sick, and because i saw someone's dopple-ganger today. and in particular, a dg who is disconcerting to me- I AM going to whine.

so i am home now. and i've turned the football game on, and i've had a cup of tea. and now i am actually cooking chicken soup with rice.

because i deserve it. i deserve something medicinal that skates the borders of healthy and comfort. and perhaps a shot of brandy too.

i'm not bullshit

that's the very nice compliment i was given tonight. (-:

i was subbing for another teacher. who i actually think is a very good teacher. and i think his students do too. but i was there tonight and since i wasn't left any plans due to the last minute arrangements, i proceeded as i thought best. and it seems i was appreciated.

it was a good evening. good questions, people contributing, people working together to come to solutions. lightbulbs going off above heads. and all that.

and i was out and out thanked by each of the students. for breaking it all down. for addressing individual issues. for allowing all to partcipate and practice without feeling threatened.

and one lady told me "xxxxx, thank you, you're not bullshit. i'm really started to get some of this stuff tonight. thanks to the way you took us through everything step by step. "

and it feels good. to not be bullshit.

a perfect me.

geez! i would like to say to myself "quit your whining xxxxx!"

upon re-reading the last post.

i do whine sometimes. i shouldn't. no one likes a whiner. in truth, i don't really either.

anyway, there actually are some other faults that i have that i would change if it were possible.

i would be more outgoing. i can force myself to be, i guess. but i'd like to be more outgoing without it being painful.

i would be quicker on my feet in an argument. i hate being a slow thinker.

i would be funnier. not that i'm never funny. but i'd like to be funnier, more often.

i would have a better memory. not for the icky things i don't want to remember. but for important things.

i would like to not be quite so lazy. that's a weird thing with me. i think because for so long i never had a single free moment to myself, where i wasn't crushingly exhausted and where at the very least some worry wasn't needling me- i actually enjoy doing absolutely nothing at all now. it has turned me into a sloth at times.

so more positive, more outgoing, smarter, funnier, and less lazy.

oh and i'd really like to be beautiful, charming, happy, and kind too.

then i'd be perfect. and you would like me. (-:

both sides now.

"Being sappy isn’t love. Telling someone you love them doesn’t mean that you do."

this from a facebook article expressing how love is a verb and talking about how that "in love" feeling is really more about yourself than it is about actually loving the other person.

ah. how true i think that is. these days.

i gotta tell you. (and long time readers well know) - that even while it's been a long time, i still struggle with a life episode where someone professed to love me and then when he was angry over something i expressed to him, suddenly up and didn't.

and i gotta tell you- that part of what has been hard about it was him leveling charges at me of motives and thoughts that i didn't have. and calling me evil. and all that for a very long time made me question myself. and whether or not i was some really worthless human being who really didn't care about other people at all.

i can't tell you how deep these charges penetrated my being. to the point where i questioned whether or not, i really had cared about my sister in law dying or was just upset because it roughly corresponded with the time of our break-up. and to the point where i also questioned whether my being upset about a student death really had more to do with the break up rather tha whether i really cared about the loss of the child.

i seriously questioned whether or not, i used these things as excuses or rationalizations for my grief or if i was just upset about my own life and being dumped. i seriously questioned whether or not i was really a horrible human being. i questioned my own degree of selfishness.

and over the years, i've struggled with these things. and even while i have felt for sometime now that i can be exonerated from these things- that i truly was just sad and struggling with grief and caring. and that he was obtuse enough not to understand- even while i felt that i had come around and resolved the issue of me, i have to say that it wasn't until something happened today that i realized for certain how wrong he was about me.

what happened today was this: one of our students came back to class after being out for a bit of time. and i told her that we'd missed her and that i'd wondered where she was. and she proceeded to tell me that she'd been absent because her sister's 5 year old child was in hospice. and she went on to explain that the child suffered from mitochondrial myopathy. and she started to explain what that was. and i stopped her and i told her that i knew exactly what that was. that i'd had a former student with it. and she asked me if this ex student of mine was still living. and how old he was. and i told her "yes, that he'd exceeded his life expectancy expectations and was actually now just starting his first year in college, but that there had been many times along the way where it was thought he might die. but then i added that while he was doing alright, that i was no stranger to children dying. that many of the students i'd worked with had died at severely young ages.

and that's when i burst into tears. and i hugged her and i said "please give your sister this hug from me because i have imagined a million time what that would feel like as a parent, even while i can never actually know. all i know is how very hard and sad it is to watch when you care about the child and when you care about the family. and there is nothing you can do." and then i said "and so this hug is for you too."

and then she cried. and thanked me. for understanding.

and she said "one of the hardest things is this whole concept of getting prepared for death. because this is not the first time we've prepared for it. and it's just worse almost when you prepare and then your hopes get raised. only to have those hopes dashed over and over again."

and i nodded "yeah, i know." and i was thinking about my x sister in law. and how that up and down and up and down experience took it's toll on us all.

and as i walked away from that encounter, with tears in my eyes, it suddenly became crystal clear to me that i am in fact a caring human being. and not the evil selfish bitch that he told me i was. because at the moment of this spontaneous gush of tears, he wasn't even in my thoughts at all. i was swamped instead with thoughts of my students who had died, completely. and their families. nothing about him, involved. i realized that i had truly cared.

and love is a verb. it's not when someone tells you they love you. that's only their selfish feelings. what it is- is when someone shows they love you by understanding. and giving you the benefit of the doubt, rather than accusing you and calling you disgusting and evil.

so then also today, while i was eating my lunch and sitting around here, i flipped on the tv to of all things- that i would never watch- "katie couric." and she announced that she is engaged again. and she spoke about how she never thought she'd find love again after her husband died. and i thought "don't be all encouraging, katie couric. like it could happen to any one of us. because someone in your position with your cute little looks and your money, sure it was easy enough to find new love. for the rest of us, it's not happening."

those were my bitter thoughts. but i stayed tuned for just one more part. the part where she said what made her fall in love with him. and she said "first, his integrity. most important to me is that a man have integrity."

and i thought "well, even though i can't deal with your happiness that's never possible for the rest of us, i do get that. i do get that if there ever is a next guy, he will have integrity. the next guy, if he ever will materialize will be dripping with that. and because he has integrity, instead of professing love, he will demonstrate that love is a verb."

because love isn't saying that you love someone. or feeling head over heels. or that the person makes you happier than sunshine. love is sticking with someone through anger and troubles and sadness. love is having the integrity to do that. love is a verb.

and sometimes now, i wonder now if i really loved him. or was i just all infatuated as well. i wonder that because i've felt complete hate for him. and i've told you before i can't forgive him. and you'd think if i really loved him, i could forgive him.

but i think what i really can't forgive is that i didn't see him for who he really was. i can't forgive myself for being so very very stupid that i didn't see that he lacked that integrity. i can't forgive myself for not realizing he wasn't who i thought he was at all.

and i think maybe i realized that i only loved who i thought he was. but i don't know.

and then this thought struck me: maybe love is just the blind leading the blind.

when i was a teenager, i think it was joni mitchell who sang "i've looked at love from both sides now, from give and take,and still somehow- it's love's illusions i recall, i really don't know love at all."

a pretty sappy song. for something that isn't sappy.

to hell in a purse

i swear it seems like the world is going there. (my daughter, when about 4 years old, changed the idiom to her own understanding. (-: handbasket to purse.)

anyway.

the other day I saw a quote on facebook. something to the effect that no matter how bad things get, eventually love will always win out. i have to say that while that's a really nice notion, i'm not so sure that it's very true.

i know that from my own life experiences. and i'm not at all hopeful that love is going to win in the situation in syria. i'm not too sure that arial castro's suicide had any more to do with love than his crimes. i'm not at all confident that my governor and my legislators will ever have any love in their hearts for children or for democracy, for that matter. i'm not sure that politicians will ever give up their election money in return for having a safer and/or a healthier world. i'm not sure the religious right will ever realize that their stance against gay marriage is a despicable denial of human rights. i'm not sure that rich white men will ever care about children who have already been born as much as they seem to care about a fetus. or for that matter, that they will ever stop using fetuses to get elected.

i'm really just not sure that good ever wins over evil. or that love ever triumphs.

yes, i'm pessimistic. and i'm cynical. and i'm discouraged. and not at all hopeful.

and what ya gonna do? in a world where it doesn't seem like you can do anything that helps. in a world that's going to hell in a purse.

i guess the only answer is "the best you can."

just another perfect day

i slept in as long as i wanted to.

I went to exercise and then had a delightful swim. it's wonderfully hot outsie

i had left over picnic food which i am enjoying with a delicious mimosa on my deck

i have the whole afternoon to read and watch movies. i have no work or work-worries hanging over my head. my bills are paid and i have nowhere i have to go that i don't want to go.

tonight i'm going to go see one of my favorite bands.

really. it doesn't get much better than this.

except for this- i can sleep in as long as i want tomorrow too!

after years upon years of my days (even my free days, which were few and far between) being nothing at all like this, i really doubt that i'll ever get tired of this semi-retirement thing.