both sides now.

"Being sappy isn’t love. Telling someone you love them doesn’t mean that you do."

this from a facebook article expressing how love is a verb and talking about how that "in love" feeling is really more about yourself than it is about actually loving the other person.

ah. how true i think that is. these days.

i gotta tell you. (and long time readers well know) - that even while it's been a long time, i still struggle with a life episode where someone professed to love me and then when he was angry over something i expressed to him, suddenly up and didn't.

and i gotta tell you- that part of what has been hard about it was him leveling charges at me of motives and thoughts that i didn't have. and calling me evil. and all that for a very long time made me question myself. and whether or not i was some really worthless human being who really didn't care about other people at all.

i can't tell you how deep these charges penetrated my being. to the point where i questioned whether or not, i really had cared about my sister in law dying or was just upset because it roughly corresponded with the time of our break-up. and to the point where i also questioned whether my being upset about a student death really had more to do with the break up rather tha whether i really cared about the loss of the child.

i seriously questioned whether or not, i used these things as excuses or rationalizations for my grief or if i was just upset about my own life and being dumped. i seriously questioned whether or not i was really a horrible human being. i questioned my own degree of selfishness.

and over the years, i've struggled with these things. and even while i have felt for sometime now that i can be exonerated from these things- that i truly was just sad and struggling with grief and caring. and that he was obtuse enough not to understand- even while i felt that i had come around and resolved the issue of me, i have to say that it wasn't until something happened today that i realized for certain how wrong he was about me.

what happened today was this: one of our students came back to class after being out for a bit of time. and i told her that we'd missed her and that i'd wondered where she was. and she proceeded to tell me that she'd been absent because her sister's 5 year old child was in hospice. and she went on to explain that the child suffered from mitochondrial myopathy. and she started to explain what that was. and i stopped her and i told her that i knew exactly what that was. that i'd had a former student with it. and she asked me if this ex student of mine was still living. and how old he was. and i told her "yes, that he'd exceeded his life expectancy expectations and was actually now just starting his first year in college, but that there had been many times along the way where it was thought he might die. but then i added that while he was doing alright, that i was no stranger to children dying. that many of the students i'd worked with had died at severely young ages.

and that's when i burst into tears. and i hugged her and i said "please give your sister this hug from me because i have imagined a million time what that would feel like as a parent, even while i can never actually know. all i know is how very hard and sad it is to watch when you care about the child and when you care about the family. and there is nothing you can do." and then i said "and so this hug is for you too."

and then she cried. and thanked me. for understanding.

and she said "one of the hardest things is this whole concept of getting prepared for death. because this is not the first time we've prepared for it. and it's just worse almost when you prepare and then your hopes get raised. only to have those hopes dashed over and over again."

and i nodded "yeah, i know." and i was thinking about my x sister in law. and how that up and down and up and down experience took it's toll on us all.

and as i walked away from that encounter, with tears in my eyes, it suddenly became crystal clear to me that i am in fact a caring human being. and not the evil selfish bitch that he told me i was. because at the moment of this spontaneous gush of tears, he wasn't even in my thoughts at all. i was swamped instead with thoughts of my students who had died, completely. and their families. nothing about him, involved. i realized that i had truly cared.

and love is a verb. it's not when someone tells you they love you. that's only their selfish feelings. what it is- is when someone shows they love you by understanding. and giving you the benefit of the doubt, rather than accusing you and calling you disgusting and evil.

so then also today, while i was eating my lunch and sitting around here, i flipped on the tv to of all things- that i would never watch- "katie couric." and she announced that she is engaged again. and she spoke about how she never thought she'd find love again after her husband died. and i thought "don't be all encouraging, katie couric. like it could happen to any one of us. because someone in your position with your cute little looks and your money, sure it was easy enough to find new love. for the rest of us, it's not happening."

those were my bitter thoughts. but i stayed tuned for just one more part. the part where she said what made her fall in love with him. and she said "first, his integrity. most important to me is that a man have integrity."

and i thought "well, even though i can't deal with your happiness that's never possible for the rest of us, i do get that. i do get that if there ever is a next guy, he will have integrity. the next guy, if he ever will materialize will be dripping with that. and because he has integrity, instead of professing love, he will demonstrate that love is a verb."

because love isn't saying that you love someone. or feeling head over heels. or that the person makes you happier than sunshine. love is sticking with someone through anger and troubles and sadness. love is having the integrity to do that. love is a verb.

and sometimes now, i wonder now if i really loved him. or was i just all infatuated as well. i wonder that because i've felt complete hate for him. and i've told you before i can't forgive him. and you'd think if i really loved him, i could forgive him.

but i think what i really can't forgive is that i didn't see him for who he really was. i can't forgive myself for being so very very stupid that i didn't see that he lacked that integrity. i can't forgive myself for not realizing he wasn't who i thought he was at all.

and i think maybe i realized that i only loved who i thought he was. but i don't know.

and then this thought struck me: maybe love is just the blind leading the blind.

when i was a teenager, i think it was joni mitchell who sang "i've looked at love from both sides now, from give and take,and still somehow- it's love's illusions i recall, i really don't know love at all."

a pretty sappy song. for something that isn't sappy.