because i'm happy

so in the last two weeks, i've been accused. of being happy.

and well, i just don't know how i feel about that.

ha. because well, i really wouldn't self-identify as happy.

i will say though- that i'm much happier than i once was.

and i will say that i know why i'm happier. because i like being only semi-employed. because i like living here in the bigger city over the small town that felt like death to me. because i feel that my children are both in good places in their lives. because i don't have worries on my mind 24/7. because while i'm teetering on the edge of poverty, i have enough.

so can i say that i'm as happy as i've ever been? no, i once was happier. but i can say that i am happier than i was for awhile.

so i guess it's all relative. but it's all a matter of perception too, i guess. apparently, however i feel inside, i appear to others as being a happy person.

somebody should clap their hands, i guess.

the best you can

my memory is going. which is not all bad. somethings would be good to forget, no?

but i heard this song- "Humidity Built the Snowman" tonight, and i marveled that i'd completely forgotten about it because it's long been one of my favorite songs.

so here are the best lines.


I don't think that you know
That I think you don't know
That old barometer goes crazy baby
Every time it starts to snow
You won't find me walking
Round your part of town
Humidity built the snowman
Sunshine brought him down
The scientific nature of the ordinary man
Is to go on out and do the best you can

looking forward to saturday

Some humans ain't human
Some people ain't kind
They lie through their teeth
With their head up their behind
You open up their hearts
And here's what you'll find
Some humans ain't human
Some people ain't kind


john prine.

an honor

so i told you how my former student died. and that i went to the funeral.

and i was telling a friend about it this weekend. she had asked me how the funeral was. and i told her that yeah, it was a good service. but you know- it was a service. for a kid. or young adult rather. who meant a lot to me.

my friend pressed me for more. she asked me if i was glad i went to the service. which i thought was an odd question. but i guess she was wondering if the service had helped me. and well, i don't know if it helped me or not. i was thinking of it more as something to just get through intact. and here i am, intact, so far. so i didn't know what to say. so i said, "well, yeah, i guess so. i mean i was mentioned in the service. would have been super awkward if i hadn't been there."

and she said, "you WERE? that's really special." i said, "i guess." and she seemed incredulous at my answer, so then she asked, so did they mention all the staff? and i said, "yeah, no, just me and the superintendent the first year she came to school because he allowed the new program."

and she said, "wow."

and i guess after she said that i started thinking about it more. i mean, i guess that's a real honor. of the literally hundreds of staff members who this girl had through her 13 years of school, only the superintendent, who practically turned a whole school upside down to bring this girl into that school, and i were mentioned. i had meant enough to the family to have me mentioned to the minister who mentioned me to the minister. that really is an honor that i suppose most people will never have.

and i really don't know that i deserve the honor, but i guess i'll take it. because you know, sometimes i'm really sorry that i chose the career i did. i don't feel sometimes like i made a difference or maybe it's that i think i could have made a bigger difference if perhaps i'd gone into public policy or science or medicine or something.

but then again, i guess that back when i was deciding what to be, i more or less fell into it and didn't give it lots of thought. i mean, i wasn't consciously thinking i needed or wanted to make a difference. i just wanted a job so i could eat and stuff. that was all. and it seemed like i'd be able to do it.

what i didn't know. and i don't think anyone ever knows until they go into it, how hard it is. how it would kick your ass most days. what i didn't know was that it was a field fraught with emotional pitfalls. and sweat and tears.

but here i am i guess. on the other side of it. and i guess that i'm glad that it's over. but i guess i'm also glad that someone thought i made a difference before i quit. that really is an honor.

Here i go again

i know, just a post or two back, i was lamenting that the world was too serious these days. and here i am back already about to type up my thoughts on something serious. here i go again. arggg. does it help that the phrase "here i go again" is inextricably linked with the OK Go video?

yeah, probably not. but i'm proceeding anyway.

yesterday i went to a neighborhood block party. not my own neighborhood but that of some friends, who in fact, generously let me live with them for a month when i first moved here until my apartment was ready. so, while it wasn't my neighborhood, i actually knew a great many of the neighbors. and one of them is a spanish teacher in a catholic school. and it all began with my innocent question: how's your school year starting out?"

and her answering with a great deal of enthusiasm, that her year was starting great. best schedule ever. best students ever. best everything ever. and then she said, "of course, there was the suicide."

like i'd heard all about this suicide. i hadn't. i said, "oh, how sad, a student?" and she proceeded to answer in the affirmative, a senior. good kid. great family. no known problems. just up and decided along-about thursday night to kill himself.

so at the patio table with us were two older retired people. one who was clearly suffering dementia. and another who was clearly a retired teacher. (you can tell these people, i think a mile away by how they ask questions and cock their heads and endeavor to understand.)

so the retired teacher says, "really, no indications of problems, beforehand?

"welll....." the catholic spanish teacher continued, "i guess there was the trouble he got into last year with drugs and then him being suspended the first day of class for failing a drug test."

and we all lean in. even the woman riddled with dementia perked up at this. and i say, "so it seems he did have some problems, then?"

and the happy (yet sad) little catholic spanish teacher went on to explain how the school had changed it's drug testing policy this year, that not only would drug tests happen randomly, that if there was a suspicion of drug use, they could drug test. and that on the very first day of school, the suspicious ones flagged the suicide-bound kid to be drug tested. on the very first day of school. and he'd had alcohol, pot, and something else (i forget now) in his system. on the very first day of school. so the drug test was apparently the schools way of asking for a report on "what did you do during your summer vacation?"

so the kid failed the drug test. and he was immediately suspended. (so as to isolate him and punish him, apparently) and according to the happy/sad catholic spanish teacher, his parents went on tto do all the right things, got him into counseling. signed him up for a rehab stint. which was to begin, when? the day following his suicide.

at this point the all of us are bug eyed. because it's clearly obvious, that the kid just couldn't bear the thought of going to rehab. but it's also clearly obvious, that happy/sad catholic spanish teacher doesn't make this connection.

she goes on to say, how God will help the family and the school community heal from this. and that they (the school ) are keeping special watch on the suicide kid's 3 younger brothers. and how the kid's grandpa had also been a suicide way back when, and how it was the kid's father who found both the kid and his father. and how much more wat this poor guy going to have to take and how they were all rallying around the father.

and i'm just sitting there wondering if perhaps the father feels any anger about the school's drug policy rather pushing this kid into his actions.

but i don't ask. the retired teacher doesn't ask. the lady with dementia doesn't ask. we all just agree that it's a terrible shame. that drugs are bad. that depression is bad. that community is good. and everyone (except me) agrees that God is good and that he will right things. or give them the power and strength to right things.

me? what i am i thinking? i'm thinking how much better it would have been if the parents had just been quietly told that it was suspected that their son was using drugs again. or if the school hadn't suspended him, isolating him from any good influences he might find there. how much better it would have been if they were getting him into a rehab center, they could have done so right away before the kid had time to think about it. (and yes, i realize there's a waiting list.) but if they couldn't get him into somewhere right away, that they perhaps could have anticipated (or perhaps a mental health professional could have insisted they anticipate) that this might be a trigger for the kid to do something drastic. even if not suicide, perhaps running away?

and i'm angry, because i'm sorry. the school fucked up with it's ridiculous drug testing and suspension policies. the mental health professionals fucked up because they either failed to warn the parents of this drastic possibility or they didn't even see it. i mean, had they done any due diligence to find out about the grandfather or any other indications of mental health problems in the family? had they sought ought or gotten any information about the kids' former problems? were they asleep at the wheel, what?

and i'm also angry that when i first asked the happy sad catholic spanish teacher, how her year was going that she didn't lead off with, "well, it's been rather disturbing..."

really? you lead with that it's a great year??? i find that disturbing as all hell. and i find little confidence in a god that puts people like this in his parochial schools. i can't really see how a staff like that or a community like that is going to help the next kid. it certainly didn't help this kid. that's for sure.

and i'm thinking, "there are none so blind as those who are ignorantly blind to everything around them."

yeah, i know. here i go. here i go, again.