an honor

so i told you how my former student died. and that i went to the funeral.

and i was telling a friend about it this weekend. she had asked me how the funeral was. and i told her that yeah, it was a good service. but you know- it was a service. for a kid. or young adult rather. who meant a lot to me.

my friend pressed me for more. she asked me if i was glad i went to the service. which i thought was an odd question. but i guess she was wondering if the service had helped me. and well, i don't know if it helped me or not. i was thinking of it more as something to just get through intact. and here i am, intact, so far. so i didn't know what to say. so i said, "well, yeah, i guess so. i mean i was mentioned in the service. would have been super awkward if i hadn't been there."

and she said, "you WERE? that's really special." i said, "i guess." and she seemed incredulous at my answer, so then she asked, so did they mention all the staff? and i said, "yeah, no, just me and the superintendent the first year she came to school because he allowed the new program."

and she said, "wow."

and i guess after she said that i started thinking about it more. i mean, i guess that's a real honor. of the literally hundreds of staff members who this girl had through her 13 years of school, only the superintendent, who practically turned a whole school upside down to bring this girl into that school, and i were mentioned. i had meant enough to the family to have me mentioned to the minister who mentioned me to the minister. that really is an honor that i suppose most people will never have.

and i really don't know that i deserve the honor, but i guess i'll take it. because you know, sometimes i'm really sorry that i chose the career i did. i don't feel sometimes like i made a difference or maybe it's that i think i could have made a bigger difference if perhaps i'd gone into public policy or science or medicine or something.

but then again, i guess that back when i was deciding what to be, i more or less fell into it and didn't give it lots of thought. i mean, i wasn't consciously thinking i needed or wanted to make a difference. i just wanted a job so i could eat and stuff. that was all. and it seemed like i'd be able to do it.

what i didn't know. and i don't think anyone ever knows until they go into it, how hard it is. how it would kick your ass most days. what i didn't know was that it was a field fraught with emotional pitfalls. and sweat and tears.

but here i am i guess. on the other side of it. and i guess that i'm glad that it's over. but i guess i'm also glad that someone thought i made a difference before i quit. that really is an honor.