I always find the time and space between Christmas and New Year's to be slightly awkward. Perhaps that's because I've always worked in education and I've never gone back to work in between the two holidays. and i was exhausted. Not sure. But it's truly a strange little piece of time that I don't always know exactly what to do with. Yes, i could use the time wisely and take down the tree and put away the decorations. And I could use the time to catch up on correspondence, errands, and cleaning closets. and i could call friends that i never have time to go out to lunch with and go out to lunch with them. i could even concievably go on a small trip.
but here's the thing. i just don't want to. do any of that. what i want to do is absolutely nothing and/or whatever occurs to me. which is mostly nothing. i'm pretty happy just pushing the pause button on all the year's activities and being a bit of a sloth.
how delightful it is to wake up on your own (not with an alarm.) and instead of getting up- pulling down a book from the shelf and reading for an hour before even considering rising out of bed. how delightful to reach into the fridge and get out and heat up some wonderful left overs. how nice to just have a cup of tea while pondering nothing much more than why that stupid poinsettia decided to up and start dying right after christmas for no apparent reason. how sweet to find some crazy old movies to watch on tv. how good to curl up in a blanket on the sofa even if you're not particularly cold or tired.
yes, i'm sure there are lots of people that would find all this tedious, boring, and befitting only really old people. i'm sure there are people out there who are diving in belize or skiing in vail. i'm sure there are people jogging or snow-shoing winter trails in national parks in preparation for the new year's marathon. but they are not me. and i have to say- that i'm kinda glad.
i rather like this awkward pause in life. and i hope nothing happens to interrupt it.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Saturday, December 27, 2014
happy holidays
i'm not gonna lie. i haven't always enjoyed the holidays. rest assured, that i did this year. my family and so many of my friends did so many thoughtful things that helped to make it so. i'm very blessed.
but as i said, i haven't always been able to enjoy the holidays. you know- grief and heartbreak and all that. i vividly remember having a christmas meltdown in the dollar store one year because the christmas music and the people and the junk was all just too much for me. it was cacophony-defined. i remember dropping my stuff on the floor, running out of the door and sitting in my car in the parking lot for about and hour crying before going home instead of driving my car into a tree.
and i know i had a legion of people who were worried about me. and tried a great many things to make me feel better.
but i'll tell you what didn't make me feel better ever- and i'll tell you what ground salt into the wounds-
people telling me that time would heal.
people telling me that they understood.
people telling me that love would heal.
people telling me that someday i'd feel better.
people telling me that god was there.
and now i'll tell you what did help me feel better-
people just willing to sit with me without saying anything much at all.
people that invited me to things over and over even when i told them no over and over.
people that told me jokes.
people that told me stories.
people who did errands for me when i couldn't take going out.
people that didn't take it personally when i was grumpy with them.
people that sat and watched movies with me.
people that never let on they could see tears welling up in my eyes.
people that were not willing to let me be completely alone, but didn't expect anything from me when i went out with them.
people that didn't forget about me.
people who told me that they loved me and never worried about hearing it back.
all those things and people conspired to make me whole and well again.
and that's not to say, i can't still be bitter and angry sometimes. and that's not to say i can't be blue from time to time. and that's not to say i still don't fanticize about putting some evil people in a pot of boiling water and watching them try to climb all over each other to try to get out of the pot. (-: just kidding...
and the feelings are fairly momentary.
and for the most part every day, even during the holidays, i'm pretty happy these days. and the holidays this year were happy for me. i even played christmas carols on the piano. everything was great, really- except for the wicked sore throat.
but as i said, i haven't always been able to enjoy the holidays. you know- grief and heartbreak and all that. i vividly remember having a christmas meltdown in the dollar store one year because the christmas music and the people and the junk was all just too much for me. it was cacophony-defined. i remember dropping my stuff on the floor, running out of the door and sitting in my car in the parking lot for about and hour crying before going home instead of driving my car into a tree.
and i know i had a legion of people who were worried about me. and tried a great many things to make me feel better.
but i'll tell you what didn't make me feel better ever- and i'll tell you what ground salt into the wounds-
people telling me that time would heal.
people telling me that they understood.
people telling me that love would heal.
people telling me that someday i'd feel better.
people telling me that god was there.
and now i'll tell you what did help me feel better-
people just willing to sit with me without saying anything much at all.
people that invited me to things over and over even when i told them no over and over.
people that told me jokes.
people that told me stories.
people who did errands for me when i couldn't take going out.
people that didn't take it personally when i was grumpy with them.
people that sat and watched movies with me.
people that never let on they could see tears welling up in my eyes.
people that were not willing to let me be completely alone, but didn't expect anything from me when i went out with them.
people that didn't forget about me.
people who told me that they loved me and never worried about hearing it back.
all those things and people conspired to make me whole and well again.
and that's not to say, i can't still be bitter and angry sometimes. and that's not to say i can't be blue from time to time. and that's not to say i still don't fanticize about putting some evil people in a pot of boiling water and watching them try to climb all over each other to try to get out of the pot. (-: just kidding...
and the feelings are fairly momentary.
and for the most part every day, even during the holidays, i'm pretty happy these days. and the holidays this year were happy for me. i even played christmas carols on the piano. everything was great, really- except for the wicked sore throat.
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
what about it, virginia?
so - "it's comin on christmas, they're chopping down tree..."
i've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of santa claus. and how we purposely tell kids this unreal person is real. i started thinking about it because my daughter told me that my grandson asked her if she believed in santa claus. she confessed to me later that she wasn't sure if the way she'd answered him was the right way to answer. i thought she handled it quite well, better than i would have if i'd have been put on the spot. she said simply, "i want to."
that answer was good enough for him, i guess, as his belief remains solid even while i'm fairly certain that a number of his friends know the truth. and good for them for not telling him and also not making fun of him. but maybe no one at his age is sure enough really to be the spoiler for him- as it seems to be a major topic of conversation amongst them.
sometimes people equate the belief in santa to a person's belief in god. with the train of thought being that it's no more harmful to believe in santa than it is to believe in god. but here's the thing- people that believe in god generally really believe in god. for the most part when they are passing on their faith in god to their children, they really aren't trying to foist what they "know" to be a false belief. but with santa, truly what they are doing is lying. and you have to wonder if it isn't damaging to lie to children.
i kinda worry that he's going to be a bit heartbroken when he finds out. he seems like that kind of kid.
but here's the crazy part for me. i simply cannot remember when or how i discovered there was no santa. so i could not have been all that traumatized by it all, i guess. apparently, i wasn't an observant or pensive enough kid to wonder, "hey, why'd you lie to me?" i think it was way more disturbing to me when i'd hear my mother say one thing in public and another thing in private in her ladylike attempts to be socially polite. i accutely noticed that and it really did make me wonder if i could trust the things she said. so that kind of falsehood bothered me, but the passing off of a purely fictional character as real, didn't? i'm not sure why.
and i don't know of any of my peers who were traumatized by finding out the truth either. but i'm guessing that perhaps there are some kids, who when they find out, are pissed off. or sad. or hurt.
when my children were little, i supported the myth. and quite honestly, i can't remember the point where either of them realized the truth either. i'm pretty sure i didn't tell them. but i'm also pretty sure they weren't heartbroken by the news either. maybe i was unconscious at the time or something. who knows? but i wonder now that i'm older if i had a do-over if i would perpetuate the story.
i'm really not sure that i would. would that have made my children's childhoods less magical? not that their childhoods were all that magical. but i did love to read to them. and i loved encouraging their imaginations. but i'm just not sure you have to lie to a kid to stir his or her imagination.
and i guess if i'm wondering now if in this mixed up world if it's not better to instill trust in a child over a sense of magic.
and of course we all know the "yes, virginia story"- and for lots of grown-ups and some kids- that's soothing. but i really don't know if i even like that story very much anymore.
i don't have any great conclusions to my ponderings tonight. maybe i'm too tired. maybe my throat is too sore. maybe it's just too weighty a subject for my small brain.
i've been thinking a lot lately about the concept of santa claus. and how we purposely tell kids this unreal person is real. i started thinking about it because my daughter told me that my grandson asked her if she believed in santa claus. she confessed to me later that she wasn't sure if the way she'd answered him was the right way to answer. i thought she handled it quite well, better than i would have if i'd have been put on the spot. she said simply, "i want to."
that answer was good enough for him, i guess, as his belief remains solid even while i'm fairly certain that a number of his friends know the truth. and good for them for not telling him and also not making fun of him. but maybe no one at his age is sure enough really to be the spoiler for him- as it seems to be a major topic of conversation amongst them.
sometimes people equate the belief in santa to a person's belief in god. with the train of thought being that it's no more harmful to believe in santa than it is to believe in god. but here's the thing- people that believe in god generally really believe in god. for the most part when they are passing on their faith in god to their children, they really aren't trying to foist what they "know" to be a false belief. but with santa, truly what they are doing is lying. and you have to wonder if it isn't damaging to lie to children.
i kinda worry that he's going to be a bit heartbroken when he finds out. he seems like that kind of kid.
but here's the crazy part for me. i simply cannot remember when or how i discovered there was no santa. so i could not have been all that traumatized by it all, i guess. apparently, i wasn't an observant or pensive enough kid to wonder, "hey, why'd you lie to me?" i think it was way more disturbing to me when i'd hear my mother say one thing in public and another thing in private in her ladylike attempts to be socially polite. i accutely noticed that and it really did make me wonder if i could trust the things she said. so that kind of falsehood bothered me, but the passing off of a purely fictional character as real, didn't? i'm not sure why.
and i don't know of any of my peers who were traumatized by finding out the truth either. but i'm guessing that perhaps there are some kids, who when they find out, are pissed off. or sad. or hurt.
when my children were little, i supported the myth. and quite honestly, i can't remember the point where either of them realized the truth either. i'm pretty sure i didn't tell them. but i'm also pretty sure they weren't heartbroken by the news either. maybe i was unconscious at the time or something. who knows? but i wonder now that i'm older if i had a do-over if i would perpetuate the story.
i'm really not sure that i would. would that have made my children's childhoods less magical? not that their childhoods were all that magical. but i did love to read to them. and i loved encouraging their imaginations. but i'm just not sure you have to lie to a kid to stir his or her imagination.
and i guess if i'm wondering now if in this mixed up world if it's not better to instill trust in a child over a sense of magic.
and of course we all know the "yes, virginia story"- and for lots of grown-ups and some kids- that's soothing. but i really don't know if i even like that story very much anymore.
i don't have any great conclusions to my ponderings tonight. maybe i'm too tired. maybe my throat is too sore. maybe it's just too weighty a subject for my small brain.
Monday, December 15, 2014
things to live for.
i think i told you not long ago, that some friends and i went to see a psychic. well, one of my friends got told that her current boyfriend was "the one"- her soulmate. turns out not. they broke up. personally, i am glad. quite honestly, i didn't like the guy much. so i think she's better off. but ain't it sad? cuz this means that a. i'm not finding the man of my dreams before the new year. b. things aren't going to get better at work (not that they are that bad, really) and c. i'm not going to live an extremely long life.
but on that last one, i just think, "well, oh well."
but so this weekend, my mathematical genius grandson says to me, "you know, Grandma, i think you have about 25 good years left in you." he clearly meant this as a compliment. i struggled not to laugh and i struggled even harder not to ask him, "but how many bad years do you think i have left?" instead, i say to him, "well how old will i be when i die then if i live another 25 years?"
and in a flash, (seriously, less than a flash) he says "82." and i didn't even know he knew how old i was in the first place. let alone how the heck he can add in his head so fast. i'm not kidding, he was like lightning. really i think the kid's a genius when it comes to math.
anyway, so my grandson predicts i have 25 good years left. but i doubt he's psychic, i think he just was trying to say that i didn't act like an old grandma. which i try not to. and maybe he's sucking up to me because he knows Christmas is coming and that old grandmas like to give gifts and such. which is true- we do.
and then later in the weekend, when i went outside where he was bouncing on a trampoline to tell him i was leaving and heading home, he stops bouncing and he says, "oh. well, i'm going to try really hard not to cry, Grandma."
and i said, "well, no need to cry, in fact- i'm going to be back next weekend and i'll see you then."
"well, that's good, i can stand a week!" he says. and he hugs me and says, "bye Grandma, I love you."
but on that last one, i just think, "well, oh well."
but so this weekend, my mathematical genius grandson says to me, "you know, Grandma, i think you have about 25 good years left in you." he clearly meant this as a compliment. i struggled not to laugh and i struggled even harder not to ask him, "but how many bad years do you think i have left?" instead, i say to him, "well how old will i be when i die then if i live another 25 years?"
and in a flash, (seriously, less than a flash) he says "82." and i didn't even know he knew how old i was in the first place. let alone how the heck he can add in his head so fast. i'm not kidding, he was like lightning. really i think the kid's a genius when it comes to math.
anyway, so my grandson predicts i have 25 good years left. but i doubt he's psychic, i think he just was trying to say that i didn't act like an old grandma. which i try not to. and maybe he's sucking up to me because he knows Christmas is coming and that old grandmas like to give gifts and such. which is true- we do.
and then later in the weekend, when i went outside where he was bouncing on a trampoline to tell him i was leaving and heading home, he stops bouncing and he says, "oh. well, i'm going to try really hard not to cry, Grandma."
and i said, "well, no need to cry, in fact- i'm going to be back next weekend and i'll see you then."
"well, that's good, i can stand a week!" he says. and he hugs me and says, "bye Grandma, I love you."
Sunday, December 14, 2014
back to the future
"one faces the future with one's past." so said Pearl S. Buck.
the latest facebook quiz i took was "How strong are you?" not physically strong- psychologically strong.
and here are my results: Your resiliency level is: supremely gifted. You are mentally unswerving. You are able to overcome difficult situations and remain cool, calm, and collected. It always amazes people from the outside, but you know how to control your emotions. You are always prepared to seek solutions and get back on track. You almost never let disappointments deter you from what you want -- instead, you stay focused and plan to be successful. The hardships you've faced in your life have been instrumental in developing this kind of amazing strength and perseverance within you.
and while i wouldn't say i plan these days to be successful as in accomplishing any great feat or getting rich, i do plan the best i know how to make sure i never have to live under a bridge or anything. and in general i think this description of me is pretty much true. didn't used to be. but now- i'm the strongest i've ever been in my life. i'm a pretty tough cookie these days, really.
i'd have traded some of this strength though for having a less complicated life. but what ya gonna do? you're who you are because of your past. and you face the future with your past.
and so i wouldn't want to tempt fate by saying, "bring it on" but i do guess i'll survive whatever disaster is coming next.
the latest facebook quiz i took was "How strong are you?" not physically strong- psychologically strong.
and here are my results: Your resiliency level is: supremely gifted. You are mentally unswerving. You are able to overcome difficult situations and remain cool, calm, and collected. It always amazes people from the outside, but you know how to control your emotions. You are always prepared to seek solutions and get back on track. You almost never let disappointments deter you from what you want -- instead, you stay focused and plan to be successful. The hardships you've faced in your life have been instrumental in developing this kind of amazing strength and perseverance within you.
and while i wouldn't say i plan these days to be successful as in accomplishing any great feat or getting rich, i do plan the best i know how to make sure i never have to live under a bridge or anything. and in general i think this description of me is pretty much true. didn't used to be. but now- i'm the strongest i've ever been in my life. i'm a pretty tough cookie these days, really.
i'd have traded some of this strength though for having a less complicated life. but what ya gonna do? you're who you are because of your past. and you face the future with your past.
and so i wouldn't want to tempt fate by saying, "bring it on" but i do guess i'll survive whatever disaster is coming next.
Monday, December 1, 2014
ghosts of
"Reflect on your present blessings on which every man has some, not on your past misfortunes on which all men have some." charles dickens
oh. there are those times, those moments- when your heart is full. such is right now for me.
i am truly blessed with the best family. with the best friends. with such riches and fortunes that you just have to cry out, as if there were a god, and say, "thank you for all that i have."
i LOVE my daughter. i LOVE my son in law!
i LOVE my son! i LOVE his wife! i LOVE my grandson!
i LOVE my mother!
i LOVE LOVE LOVE my friends.
i am the luckiest, most blessed person in the whole of the wide world.
yes, i have some bitter bitter things and hateful losses in my life. but all these things that i'm so grateful for chase those scary ghosts away.
oh. there are those times, those moments- when your heart is full. such is right now for me.
i am truly blessed with the best family. with the best friends. with such riches and fortunes that you just have to cry out, as if there were a god, and say, "thank you for all that i have."
i LOVE my daughter. i LOVE my son in law!
i LOVE my son! i LOVE his wife! i LOVE my grandson!
i LOVE my mother!
i LOVE LOVE LOVE my friends.
i am the luckiest, most blessed person in the whole of the wide world.
yes, i have some bitter bitter things and hateful losses in my life. but all these things that i'm so grateful for chase those scary ghosts away.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
