happy holidays

i'm not gonna lie. i haven't always enjoyed the holidays. rest assured, that i did this year. my family and so many of my friends did so many thoughtful things that helped to make it so. i'm very blessed.

but as i said, i haven't always been able to enjoy the holidays. you know- grief and heartbreak and all that. i vividly remember having a christmas meltdown in the dollar store one year because the christmas music and the people and the junk was all just too much for me. it was cacophony-defined. i remember dropping my stuff on the floor, running out of the door and sitting in my car in the parking lot for about and hour crying before going home instead of driving my car into a tree.

and i know i had a legion of people who were worried about me. and tried a great many things to make me feel better.

but i'll tell you what didn't make me feel better ever- and i'll tell you what ground salt into the wounds-

people telling me that time would heal.

people telling me that they understood.

people telling me that love would heal.

people telling me that someday i'd feel better.

people telling me that god was there.


and now i'll tell you what did help me feel better-

people just willing to sit with me without saying anything much at all.

people that invited me to things over and over even when i told them no over and over.

people that told me jokes.

people that told me stories.

people who did errands for me when i couldn't take going out.

people that didn't take it personally when i was grumpy with them.

people that sat and watched movies with me.

people that never let on they could see tears welling up in my eyes.

people that were not willing to let me be completely alone, but didn't expect anything from me when i went out with them.

people that didn't forget about me.

people who told me that they loved me and never worried about hearing it back.

all those things and people conspired to make me whole and well again.

and that's not to say, i can't still be bitter and angry sometimes. and that's not to say i can't be blue from time to time. and that's not to say i still don't fanticize about putting some evil people in a pot of boiling water and watching them try to climb all over each other to try to get out of the pot. (-: just kidding...

and the feelings are fairly momentary.

and for the most part every day, even during the holidays, i'm pretty happy these days. and the holidays this year were happy for me. i even played christmas carols on the piano. everything was great, really- except for the wicked sore throat.