meat sacks

so you know. i go to a lot of funerals. i mean, i go to the regular number that normal people go to- relatives, relatives of friends, friends, etc. but then my former job involved going to a lot of funerals.

so i've seen all kinds. and that gives me a lot of perspective about what i'd want in a funeral for myself. and this kind of gets into the psychology of how you percieve human life. do you think you're a soul inside a meatsack or do you think you're just a meatsack that happened somehow to have perceptions, thoughts, and feelings while you were alive but that all disappears when your light goes out?

personally, i believe the latter. i think when your light goes out, it goes out, and that's that. except for the memories that living people have of you.

so in one sense, i believe funerals should be whatever those people who you left behind want. i get that. whatever helps them deal with the fact that you are no more.

but, if you just ask me what i want, i don't really want anything. i don't want people performing songs or putting up a pictoral history of my life, or releasing balloons, or a somber service, or a celebration of my life or anything. at all. i don't want a luncheon or a eulogy or hymns. nothin' that's what i want.

that said, i really basically would leave it up to my family, my son and my daughter to decide what they want. and what helps them. and if it would help them financially to do nothing at all, i'd be just fine with that.

i always laugh a bit when i think about how my brother and i made decisions about the funeral service for my father. my mother, of course, had her ideas, but for the most part my brother and i were ruled by the strong admonition by my father, before he died, telling us that we were not to spend a penny more than his GI bill covered. so when it came time to pick a casket, we went for the basic box. because it was cheap. and the funeral home people seemed rather upset with us, because my father was well known in our community and they figured we'd have a large, lavish funeral. and i almost felt like they felt we were skimping out, not just on their profits, but on his prominence in life. whatever, my brother and i didn't care. and it was one of the rare times in our lives, that i feel like my brother and i really bonded over something. and it amused us both no end. to say, "only the cheapest, for our dad." my dad would have laughed with us, had he been there. and that makes me happy when i think about it.

but so, yeah. i don't guess i want anything. except what satifies both of my kids. because after all, what am i besides a meatsack, except to them. i guess what i really don't want is for people to make more of me than i ever was. talking about me like i was wonderful and perfect, when i was nothing really but plenty-flawed and messed up and human.

nope

i had the ocassion on friday to visit one of the schools i used to work in. and i ran into several people that i used to work with.

and it is nice, very nice, to learn that you are severely missed. or that your work is missed, rather. it makes me feel a little bit like it was all worth it. and that you actually made a difference. but you know what? people missing me doesn't entice me to ever go back. people missing me and a huge pile of cash couldn't convince me to go back.

there is but one thing that could ever convince me to go back and do that again. and that would be if the only other ways i could make enough to survive were coalmining, working on a submarine, working as a pr person, or selling my organs.

yeah. it's not much fun being poor, which i recently learned i am considered. but i've got a warm apt., a running car even if it is an ugly color, food to eat, running water, and plenty to do, so i don't really see myself as poor as in unfortunate.

so, nope. not going back to those old days. even if i'm missed.

still, it's nice to know that i am.

a momentary gloat

don't you ever tell me that i don't know what i'm talking about.

because i do. i DO. I DO.

is there anything that is more gratifying than finding out you were right all damn along?

maybe if people would listen to you in the first place. that might be even more gratifying.

but being proven right eventually is pretty darn sweet.

sadly, it's tempting to say, "I TOLD YOU SO!" but i refrain as best i can. because that isn't nice.

it's not really kind at all.

but, deep down inside, being proven right when everyone thought you were wrong, feels pretty good. and because people spent all that time and energy doubting you and making you feel bad about yourself or like you were stupid- humanly- you do sort of want to rub it in. you do.

thank goodness my better nature eventually prevails though. but for right now, in secret here- i just want to gloat.

i'm promise i'll stop though as soon as i close this page.

ah, vanity

i was on tv this week. yeah. i was. i was interviewed regarding a local issue. and they used a small portion of the interview in the context of telling a story. and i did well. really. i sounded pretty darn articulate, actually. which i don't believe i very often sound when i'm speaking.

the tv lady even complimented me afterwards. she said i was quite knowledgable and seemed pretty at ease in front of the camera. so i felt pretty good.

until i watched the clip. i did think i sounded ok. as i said, articulate even. but then there's vanity. i looked SO OLD on camera. so very very very OLD. i had no idea i was walking around looking so damn old. i guess i don't look in the mirror enough or something.

now i did think my hair looked ok. not too long and not too short. good color (which is natural these days, by the way.) but my face. oh my heavens- crinkly eyes and forehead creases, and my neck. yech. and my skin tone. arggg. i looked 106.

but what ya gonna do? you get older, and you're going to look old, i guess. i don't believe in plastic surgery for cosmetic purposes, and i don't like wearing much make-up, and i really can't quit laughing so that my eyes won't crinkle or quit worrying, so my forehead won't crease. and my neck? well, my neck attaches my head to my body and it's got that enlarged, messed up thyroid thing going. so i can't really do all that much about my neck either.

so i guess i'll have to learn to live with looking this old. my grandson told me not long ago that i looked like i had about 25 good years left in me, after all. so i'll have to learn. but i sure don't like it. not one bit.

especially since it's likely only going to get worse.

today's pondering mind

"Every man is a piece of the continent, A part of the main.."


so, i heard a snippet of a radio program today about how some people want sealed adoptions unsealed. i'm not sure whether they were talking about just my state or if this is everywhere, but apparently there are a whole bunch of years of sealed adoptions that can't be unsealed unless they pass a new law.

the people being interviewed were so against these adoptions staying sealed, it was grating to me. and i guess i can see if you need some kind of health information, but you'd think there'd be a way to give a person that without divulging the identity of a birth parent.

i guess i just don't get it. i'm not adopted, of course. and i've never had a child who i put up for adoption. so i guess i'd be considered a neutral party. either that or someone who has no right to an opinion. probably the latter. but my opinion is this- the records should remain sealed as to identity unless the parent wants them unsealed so that they can be found if an adopted person is seeking.

one of my very best friends is adopted. maybe my most well-adjusted friend in the world. and she has never ever had the urge to look up her birth parents. true, she won the lottery with her adoptive parents, but she really just feels that there's no point in knowing. and she doesn't care. she has everything she needs to be happy in her life without that. i've never asked her how she'd feel if someday her birth mother came looking for her. i should. i'd be curious to know. i don't think she'd be that receptive though. but i don't know. i should ask her.

i know we're all connected in this world. but that doesn't mean we have to know everything about everyone, even ourselves, i think.

maybe, i think it's only important to know things if not knowing those things affects you somehow. otherwise i think you should leave it alone. and i just don't see how knowing whose body you came out of is all that important. who takes care of you is.

things that suck

well, that sucked, didn't it? the end to the superbowl that is.

i do so hate the patriots.

let's just list all the other things that have sucked lately.

the attack on public education by my state's governor and legislature.

tests that punish 3rd graders.

blizzards that aren't.

people who don't deserve good fortune having it.

people who deserve good fortune and don't get it.

when children die young.

when people are mean.

when people are indifferent.

when people aren't honest.

ok. so that's enough of that. talking about sucky things.

let's talk about something else.

whatever you want...