Yes, only love can break your heart...

if you are my vintage, you know this song. I'd write all the lyrics out for you, but it's too hard for me to do. they are just too true.

so, here is something you'll find stupid. my dog, that wasn't really even my dog died. yesterday. he was put down. as they say. and yeah, i'm sure it was all for the best, but i gotta tell you that i am bluer than blue and sadder than sad over this.

that dog was my friend. and i mean that. not in the "dog's are man's best friend" way- like they are useful and uplifting to be around. i mean it in the sense that this dog was my friend. i spent a lot of alone time with this dog. i talked to this dog. i poured my heart out to this dog. sometimes without saying a word. but there was this understanding on my part that there was nothing i could tell this dog that he would not understand. nothing i could tell this dog that he would not forgive me for. nothing i could tell this dog that would make him hate me. nothing that i could tell this dog that would make him anything less than ecstatic to see me the next time i came to town.

he was my friend who i trusted, when truth be told, i trusted absolutely no one. and while it is true, i'm a bit more trusting today than when that dog and i first became friends, on his absenting the world, i find there is not really anyone else left here on earth that i feel that i can completely confide in about everything. yes, there are a few people who i might confide in for somethings, but not for everything.

not like this dog. and so yeah. i loved that dog. and as Young sang, "Only love can break your heart."

and my heart is shattered right now into little pieces. again.

now, please don't worry. i'm ok. i'm going on with life. i've no thoughts that i can't go on. or that i can't get up tomorrow morning. i have learned to be very steely, you see. in ways that i never ever was before. i can. i will assimilate this awful thing into my being. and while it hurts, i'll be ok.

so that out of the way. the other thing i wanted to say here was that another thing makes this hard for me to deal with is just the concept of death. "what if your world should fall apart?" and so, you know how you have these anchors in your life. people- dogs- whatever who you just count on being there? they keep you stable? well, as you know from the past, i have a lot of trouble when my anchors disappear. and i don't quite get the concept of how a soul can be here in one minute and not the next. and i don't have the christian comfort of thinking i'll see loved ones in heaven or the buddhist or hindu belief that we'll be reincarnated or anything. i do think now that you are just gone when you are gone. and that is that. these souls were just there. and then they're not. that's just what i think. and really, what i want to think

cuz, truth be told, i'm not too consoled by the christian thought that we might see each other in heaven again someday. i honestly don't believe i'd qualify for heaven in the first place, even if i stopped my evil, sinful disbelief and bad behaviors right this minute. and even if i somehow squeaked in, there would be people up there in heaven, i'd be afraid to see again. you know, the kid i wasn't nice too. or the friend who i didn't take time to understand or care about. or even my father, who has to be disappointed that i didn't amount to much even while he gave me everything.

reincarnation is something taht is a bit more consoling to me. but i don't really relish the thought of coming back as a starving kid in africa or house cat or something.

and i'm sure there are many more theories on the afterlife, but i know of none that comfort me more than just ceasing to exist.

but still, dammit. i want to see my friend, Arthur again. i loved him. he loved me. and yes, only love can break your heart.