moonshadows

so while i was waiting for someone's plane to get in this morning, i was listening to part of a tedtalk on happiness. and you know how i feel about tedtalks. but there i was. waiting for the plane. with nothing to do. so i was listening to this. and the first thing the guy said was that people a year after winning the lottery and people a year after becoming paralyzed rate themselves as being about the same amount of happy.

so then the guy went on to explain that our ability to not get hung up on bad stuff and move on was because of our big old humany frontal lobes. and he said you pretty much get over anything at all after about three months. because. your frontal lobe. apparently, it has the ability to look ahead. to the future and stuff. which helps you get over stuff. hmmm

well, and maybe that's so for most people. but me, i must have the tiniest frontal lobe in the world. or perhaps i have frontal lobe damage. perhaps i have trouble seeing the future.

so then the plane landed and i didn't get to hear the rest of the tedyak. and i'm wondering now if he ever explained why lottery winners weren't happier than people who can't walk. and i also wonder if he ever talked about people who were paraplegics and who had also won a lottery. how happy were they?

i guess i could go look it up to listen to the rest of it. not right now though.

"And if I ever lose my eyes
If my colors all run dry
Yes, if I ever lose my eyes
Ooh, I won't have to cry no more"

la la la. la la. la la

so i have been enjoying vinyl. for years, i haven't listened to very much music. well, because music makes you feel. and to feel is, of course, bad. (ok, ok. ok. it's not bad. but for quite a while, it has just been better for me to keep feelings tamped down. where they could be kept under control. because for a while there- they got quite out of control. and trust me, that is NEVER gonna happen again.)

ANYwho--- i've been enjoying vinyl. because my son and daughter in law bought me this little record player. it's one of those retro things. that looks like a little suitcase when it's closed. they are in all the stores these days. mine is turquoise. and really, it's quite cute. I even bought a little retro table to set it up on. with wrought iron legs.

and i have a grand total of 5 albums here to listen to. one i bought, two my daughter and her husband gave me, one i bought with a gift card my son and family gave me, and one my son dredged out of storage, where i'm hoping that i can rescue some more.

and one of the great joys is picking up the arm and placing the needle down right at the song that i want to hear. it's a much more satisfying tactile thing than punching a button on a cd player. or clicking on a computer link. you feel like you've actually done something. something skillful, when you do it just right. like threading a sewing needle. or sticking a landing off a balance beam.

not that i can stick a landing off a balance beam anymore. i'm not even sure that i can still hoist myself up on a beam anymore. let alone balance on it and perform tricks. old age, it brings you down, i guess.

but i can still artfully and accurately place a needle down right at the beginning of a song. and i like that i can do that. that i have the steady eye and hand for that. it makes me feel in control of my life for a very brief moment.

so there is a an album that has been playing in my head for days now. that i want to pick up next time i'm in the record store. which is another delightful thing about vinyl that i'd forgotten about- spending hours browsing through album covers to select something new to take home. there's some kind of time warp thing that happens when you do that. like being in the library browsing through the stacks. and then suddenly, you're late for your dentist appointment.

so this album that i've been craving is Crazy Horse. Everybody Knows This is Nowhere. and of course, i want to hear Cinnamon Girl. because that is one great song.
but mostly right now i want to hear the title track. i just want to sing along with it- the la la la part.

and it's not that the lyrics mean a damn thing to me. i have absolutely no wish to go home again. there is no one i'd like to go back and get to know. or anything like that. i just want to sing along with it. everybody, everybody, knows this is nowhere. la la la. la la la la.

and yeah, i could pull it up on youtube. but it just would not could not be the same. as setting that needle down just at the right place to hear that guitar intro and old Neil's funky voice chiming in. and then mine. on the la las.

so actually, awhile back i read a book written by Neil Young. and in it he talked about that he specifically puts certain songs in certain order on his records. and actually, i get that. but just the same, i will order the songs how i please. it will be everybody knows first, cinnamon girl second and then after that, who knows. except that i probably won't ever put the needle down on the losing end. because well, you know. i have to be in control.

everybody, everybody knows. la la la. la la. la la

tak a cup o' kindness

happy new year. almost. in a few hours, it will be 2016. how do you feel about that? i'm ok with it. i don't expect it to be much different than 2015, i guess. probably the same equal amount of bad and good as this year.

are you ringing in the new year at a party? i'm not. i'm home. wearing my flannel jammies and a baggy old sweater and some old slippers that my daughter once gave me. i cooked myself an early dinner of some lobster (yeah, really, it was on special) and am now enjoying a beer. i'm listening to a jazz album that i bought at the half priced bookstore today to play on my new little retro record player. i'm quite cozy. if you were here, you'd be cozy too. after this album plays, i'll put on my charlie brown christmas album that my daughter and her husband bought me. also, i spent a good part of the day at the library choosing several books to pick from for tonight's reading. oh. and one more thing, to set the scene- i have not taken down my christmas tree (because after all, i only quit celebrating it just yesterday.) so i have the regular lights off and am writing by the tree lights.

a friend texted me a bit ago and asked me what i was doing tonight. i told her and added, "please don't worry about me, i don't have any cats."
she knew what i meant- that i wasn't all lonely and sad with cats crawling all over me. and i'm not. there were a few things i could have done tonight. if i hadn't wanted to stay home. and i think you're only really lonely if you have absolutely nowhere you could go.

but i was out and about most of this week and i'm going out tomorrow night and have a full weekend planned. so, it is by choice that i'm hanging out alone tonight.

so here is what i'm musing on all alone in my cozy new year's eve nest:

i had a quick chat with another friend earlier tonight as he was getting ready to go to a party. out of the blue, as we were saying "later"- i told him to have a cup of kindness for me. i guess, in my head i was thinking about the auld lang syne song because it's new year's eve. i don't know. it just popped out. so. i've actually always rather liked that song. it seems kind of sweet. in a sweet sort of way. and so i looked it up to listen to it on youtube and found a version sung in "old english" or funky scottish or something with a translation and the line i quoted to my friend turned out actually to be "we'll tak a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang's syne."

for old time's sake.

and when they put it that way, i understand the song differently than i ever have before. before i always thought people were looking back on the year or years gone by with wistfulness and longing with a twinge of sadness because the year was coming to a close. they hated to see it go. but when they put the word yet in there, it changes the meaning for me. it means that the past may still yet be too painful or close to look back on with kindness or longing, but let's drink to feeling better about it someday.

and of course, that interpretation may be all wrong, but i have to say i, personally, rather like it. because you know? there are a number of things in the past that i've not really ever come to grips with. and really, if i had my druthers, i'd forget about completely. to say it more clearly, i'm still unsettled and unhappy about some of the past. i'm still angry and don't look fondly upon some of it. and i still regret some things as well. at the same time, times gone by deserve some reverence. because it's stuff you lived through. so "we'll tak a cup o kindness yet" sounds hopeful, doesn't it? like someday the rerun of your past won't be like some horror show to you? and more like a hazy montage with some nice jazz music playing as it runs on the screen.

but you know? i just was looking up the burns' poem that the song was based on and it seems it is really the pining of a broken hearted soul- whether it was actually written by burns or whether it's an old Scottish folk song. it's certainly sad.

"since you have rob'd me of my Heart; It's reason I have yours: Which Madam Nature doth impart to your black Eyes and Browes: with honor it doth not consist, to hold they Slave in pain. Pray let thy rigour then resist, for Old long syne."

He's begging her to come back. because of the times they had.

"But since that nothing can prevail and all hopes are in vain; From these rejected Eyes of mine still showers of Tears Shall rain: Though thou wast Rebel to the King and beat with Wind therein, Assure thy self of welcome Love, for OLd long syne."

he gave up. sad. all the more reason for a "cup o' kindness"

and i suggest we all tak one. (-:

and so just now i read that Japanese department stores play this at closing time to shoo customers out of the store. maybe the best use of the song i've heard yet.

anyway. time for another beer. time to start on a book. Happy New Year to you.

Dumb

This morning was a delicious Sunday. Slept until 9:30 and then drank four cups of coffee while finishing a book I'd been reading. I read without stopping,, except to refill my coffee cup, until well into the afternoon.

Then when I finished the book, I thought i ought to go over and put my time in on the treadmill and exercise bike. Never occured to me to eat. I never even thought about it or felt hungry. So, I go get on the treadmill and along about 25 minutes in, I start to feel light headed. But I think- good grief, I can finish five more minutes.

Except i couldn't. I felt myself starting to swoon and promptly go off and sat down on the floor and put my head down. I started sweating and my heart was pounding. i just thought I'd wait it out.

So as it happened, there was another girl in the fitness room, a girl I nod to on a regular basis. and apparently even though her back was to me, she sensed something was wrong, got off her treadmill and came over and said, "hey, you ok?"

And because I really couldn't deny it, i told her no. And I asked her to get me some water, which she did. And then she got this old fan they keep at the back of the room and aimed that at me.

When i came to a bit, she insisted on walking me back to my apt. And gave me her phone number and made me promise to call 911 first and then her if I felt faint again. I promised I would.

I texted her later to tell her thanks. And then even later she texted again to check in on me. She was so very nice. And i just felt dumb.

Really, you can't not eat, drink only coffee and lay around half the day and then go get on the treadmill. That's just plain STUPID.

And dumb.

Anyway, I drank a lot of water and ate and then felt just fine. And actually wanted to go back to finish my workout. But I just felt too dumb to show my face there again today.

Hopefully, tomorrow, I will be smarter.