cheered up sleepy jean

"oh what can it mean?"

what it means is that while responding to someone who asked me how i liked my "new life," i starting listing all the things i loved and something popped out that i honestly hadn't thought a whole heck of lot about before. and that is that with my new life here, i'm getting a normal amount of sleep for a human being on a regular basis.

and well, it's quite transforming really.

because i've been running a sleep deficit for years upon years upon years.

some of the reasons for my lack of sleep were stress and grief related- true.
and some of my deprivation was due to that i've always had the tendency to be an insomniac. in that the more i need to sleep, the more i simply can't.

but part of the issue was that i really and truly worked almost all the time and when i wasn't working, thoughts of work were constantly crowding my mind and preventing the zzz's. or if i wasn't worrying about work, i was trying to get out my feelings and frustrations by writing until the wee hours. and it was just like i could not sleep until i got them out.

and so i'd be up late, most usually until after midnight and oft-times until after 2 or so and then i'd be up again at the crack of before dawn. usually at 5:30 or 6. i probably averaged about 5 hours a night on weekdays and i CRAVED saturdays when i could sleep in late if there wasn't some activity to get up for. and if i couldn't sleep in on saturday it was all over again for the week.

and what are the tolls of not sleeping enough. they range from issues of mental health such as depression and anxiety, and for some, even psychosis; to making mental mistakes to crankiness, to weight gain. even to dying younger. and if you are an early riser, apparently you get worms.

at any rate, these days i don't have to be at work until at the earliest on three days a week, 9 o'clock. and i live less than five minutes away by bike from work. so even if i don't get to sleep at a respectable hour here, i can, in effect have a "mini" sleep-in every morning. and there is really nothing to worry about with this job. i go in, i do my job and with the exception of a small amount of paperwork that involves very little thought, there is nothing to bring home in my arms or in my head.

and so also, since i'm not so keyed up with stressful work and other concerns, i am even getting to bed a bit earlier throughout the week. which means i probably now average about 8 hours a night noq. if you count just the 5 weekdays and count by 4 week months, then i'm getting 60 more hours of sleep a month!!! that will add up to what? 720 hours a year? 720 divided by 24 is 30, right? so does that mean 30 more days of sleep a year? ???? someone check my math here! that's crazy.

and, that's significant, no? and apparently i look better because of it as well. or so i've been told by a number of people. and well. also, i'm just happier than i've been in ever so long. yeah. sleep!!!!

trustiness

so you know. actually right now in my life, i am quite happy. i like where i work. i like where i live. the new city. the new apartment. the neighborhood. etc. i like just everything that is in my life right now.

but do i still have sadness? yes. i do. i still am not happy about my love life. or, as it is right now, my lack there-of.

so i went out to dinner with a friend tonight. and i asked my friend if she thought i was ridiculous to try to seek out some opportunities. she assured me not. i was glad. and i thought to myself about how a few years back i simply could not even be asking this question of her or anyone. because frankly i just could not trust anyone with anything. i was stalled and immobile. that's how affected i was by some past events in my life.

anyway, i get home after dinner and as per usual, after i changed out into my sweats and t shirt, i got online and i see this-

"trust the one who can see the sorrow behind your smile, the love behind your anger, and the reason behind your silence."

and i think "yes, EXACTLY!"

and i'm thinking that as i seek out some other opportunities, THIS is exactly what i'll keep in mind. i won't be fooled by a fairy-tale and a false "hope" or "promise." i won't be fooled by a "pretty-face" and a weak-hearted person who really only cares about himself. i won't be fooled by what seems good on the surface, but isn't real. i will hold out for real substance and real understanding of who i am and what i have been through and what is in my heart. and THEN i will trust again. and only then.

and only then.

it's official

arrgghh. it's official. i've become a yuppie. (or is that even what they are called now?)
you want evidence?

today the only productive thing i've done so far is drive to a bookstore, buy a present for someone, using gift cards. and on my way out the door, i went over to the in-store starbucks and bought.... wait for it......a pumpkin spice latte. now i ask you, if that isn't proof of my yuppie status, what is?

truth is, i kinda hate it. i don't really like being a caricature of a person. makes me feel like sometime soon i might start listening to enya or celtic music while driving down the street in my bmw or something.

except the good news is, i don't have a bmw, i have a ford. and i do not like enya or celtic music, or wearing north face jackets. i don't do pilates or practice fung shua, or go running with my partner in matching exercise wear and shades. on top of that i don't live in a loft, and i'm not remodeling a vintage home, and i don't have a dog to take out for walks down a greenway while carrying plastic bags for poop. i don't even have a yoga mat. and i can't really be considered young anymore, plus i forgot for the 6th time to drop the recycling off. so maybe i'm safe.

i did really really really like that pumpkin spice latte though.

shades of blue

so when i last wrote, someone misinterpreted that i was complaining or worried or blue about being "poor." no, no, no. i was not. i was trying to convey that i was quite content with right here where i am right now, poor or not. and inwardly, i was marveling that i could be this poor and yet, be so very content. but i was also begging the gods and the universe to not mess with me. i've been messed with quite enough for one life-time, thank you very much.

and it helps that following that post, i actually did come in at 80% of my savings goal for september. which is darn near amazing considering all the extra expenditures i had this first month here in the apt. in the new city, and the fact that actually it was (and will be monthly) quite an ambitious goal. but this ambitious goal setting is me trying to take extra pre-caution against something, somehow, someways going terribly wrong in the way that most of my life has somehow gone terribly wrong.

it's all to say i just do not trust in the fates at all or anymore.

so, as good as things are for me, my best friend is going through a horrible experience right now. her father had a heart attack followed by his appendix rupturing and now he is on a ventilator and sedated and they are not sure they can wean him off the vent. which means that they (my friend and her family) will likely have to make the decision of whether or not to let him go. unless things improve dramatically and soon.

and it makes me thank whoever it is i should thank for when my own father was in similar shape, he at least was coherent, clear, intelligent as ever, and demanding he be allowed to make his own decision to let go. as my friend was telling me of her family's horrible situation, i could literally see my father's blue eyes flashing in response to the conversation i was having with one of his doctor's when it was his decision time. you never saw a brighter, more intense blue than my father's eyes. and i never saw the intensity of those eyes any more clearly than on that day. it is a color burned into my memory.

i told my friend. i told her that i was so sorry for her to have to make that decision and how vehemently my father felt and conveyed his own. she told me that she knew for a fact what her father would want- the same as my father. but she worried that she was going to have to fight some members of her family about it.

and that makes me sad for her. has me feeling a bit blue. in a greyish sort of way.