shades of blue

so when i last wrote, someone misinterpreted that i was complaining or worried or blue about being "poor." no, no, no. i was not. i was trying to convey that i was quite content with right here where i am right now, poor or not. and inwardly, i was marveling that i could be this poor and yet, be so very content. but i was also begging the gods and the universe to not mess with me. i've been messed with quite enough for one life-time, thank you very much.

and it helps that following that post, i actually did come in at 80% of my savings goal for september. which is darn near amazing considering all the extra expenditures i had this first month here in the apt. in the new city, and the fact that actually it was (and will be monthly) quite an ambitious goal. but this ambitious goal setting is me trying to take extra pre-caution against something, somehow, someways going terribly wrong in the way that most of my life has somehow gone terribly wrong.

it's all to say i just do not trust in the fates at all or anymore.

so, as good as things are for me, my best friend is going through a horrible experience right now. her father had a heart attack followed by his appendix rupturing and now he is on a ventilator and sedated and they are not sure they can wean him off the vent. which means that they (my friend and her family) will likely have to make the decision of whether or not to let him go. unless things improve dramatically and soon.

and it makes me thank whoever it is i should thank for when my own father was in similar shape, he at least was coherent, clear, intelligent as ever, and demanding he be allowed to make his own decision to let go. as my friend was telling me of her family's horrible situation, i could literally see my father's blue eyes flashing in response to the conversation i was having with one of his doctor's when it was his decision time. you never saw a brighter, more intense blue than my father's eyes. and i never saw the intensity of those eyes any more clearly than on that day. it is a color burned into my memory.

i told my friend. i told her that i was so sorry for her to have to make that decision and how vehemently my father felt and conveyed his own. she told me that she knew for a fact what her father would want- the same as my father. but she worried that she was going to have to fight some members of her family about it.

and that makes me sad for her. has me feeling a bit blue. in a greyish sort of way.