Friday, January 25, 2013

no thyme for me

i went to the grocery store and was taken with the fact that there was a sale on whole chickens. and i thought to myself. "hmm. chicken is damn cheap. i can eat for a long time on one whole chicken." and i reasoned to myself, that being half-retired meant that i had a lot of time and freedom on my hands and could thus spend my snowy friday afternoon roasting a chicken. and in my head, i made a kind of event out of it. i knew i had a nice bottle of white wine chilling already. i knew i had nothing planned for after work on friday. and i knew that i could damn well do what i wanted to. and if that included roasting a chicken and having a lovely supper- well, then i could. and i would.

and so i bought all the recommended cooking ingredients. and headed home with dinner plans.

but you should know- that i'm really not much of a cook. and have never really liked cooking all that much, if you want to know the truth. too much potential for complete disaster. too many critics. too much temptation to finish that chapter in a book or talk on the phone, and to let supper burn. wasted time.

so, it's rare for me to do something like this. but i was determined to do it anyway. and i went to the internet and looked up "how to roast a chicken." because even while i can (and have) roast a turkey like no one's business- i thought perhaps chickens might be different.

and so they are. in almost every recipe for roasted chicken, it calls for thyme. and my turkey recipe is thymeless.

i know so little about spices. parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme. nice words to sing, but quite honestly, i couldn't tell you the difference between any of them. or what you use what for.

but because the internet said to, when i was at the store, i bought fresh thyme. and quite honestly, at the store, i don't like the smell of it. but hey, all the recipes say "use thyme, it's the bestest." and so i think "well maybe the crappy smell cooks out of it."

and i bring the thyme and the chicken and all the other ingredients home and this afternoon after i get home from work, i proceed to prepare my roast chicken. and i have to tell you that even while i'm offended by the recommended spice, that i'm pretty amused at the form of my little chicken, as i'm gussying it all up. i know all you vegetarians out ther will be disgusted, but im' thinking to myself, "you know? this little chicken body is oddly cute, in a way that a naked raw turkey is not."

and i'm thinking- "if it weren't for the feathers and the creepy bird eyes and beak,and if you could put fur on it and puppy dog eyes instead, it might make a cute little animal, actually."

but never mind all that. the point is that i proceed to follow the internet recipe for preparing a roasted chicken. with thyme.

and quite honestly, it was delicious. truly. but you know what? it would have been MORE delicious without the thyme. it was saved from being a perfect meal because of the thyme. and the next time i roast a chicken, i will leave out the thyme. i don't like it. no more thyme for me.

so why am i boring you with all this? well, quite honestly, it has almost nothing to do with chickens or thyme. it has to do with that while my little thymed chicken was in the oven, i sat down with a glass of wine and turned on a movie on tv.

it was an old movie starring barbara stanwick called "the gay sisters." and i was enchanted with it. old movies are a lot more intriguing really than most of what i see today.

but so anyway, there is a scene in the movie where two of the three gay(lord) sisters are getting hammered. they are getting hammered because of a big disappointment in their lives. and they are acting stupid, as hammered sisters will do. and the one, in exasperation, says to the other "where are all the little stars at dawn, fiona?" and fiona (barbara stanwick) answers "i don't know." and then "where's my girlhoood and the top of my head?" and then "and the first innnocence of my mind?"

and i'm sitting there with my wine and the smell of thyme, laughing and thinking "yeah fiona! these are all things that I WANT TO KNOW too!! ANSWERS PLEASE!"

but of course, it's the movies. and there are no answers. only happy "surprising" romantic endings. such as there never seem to be in real life.

and then the oven timer went off and i proceeded to enjoy my homecooked meal. with my wine pairing. and it was delicious. despite the thyme. but i'm still left here wondering "where are all the little stars at dawn? and where's my girlhood?and the top of my head?

because really, at this time in my life, i have no idea.

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

doffing a foolscap

i feel pretty sorry for that kid from notre dame. manti te'o. yes, i believe he's innocent and a victim. i don't believe he was in on it. and yes, i believe he's been a fool and been fooled. (i know there are people who don't, but i think they are wrong.)

so i feel sorry for him, because in the public eye, he is either seen as dishonest or as a complete idiot.

but, first, he's young. give him a break, just on that score. and second, i don't really care how old you get, almost anyone can be fooled by someone or something. and i think that when the heart is involved, there is so so so much of a chance of being made a fool. at any age.

so where does the kid go from here? is he going to be dogged all his life by this dumb event? no matter how much he achieves ever, is he always going to be mostly remembered as just the kid who was duped?

i hope not. i hope that those who are close to him, his friends and his family, make it clear and plain to him that he simply made a mistake believing in this person, and i hope they let him know that he is much more than that mistake. that's the only way to remove that foolscap from his head, i think. i don't think it's possible to take that cap off all by yourself.

and i want to thank some people in my life, who did just that for me, when i was feeling like for the rest of my life that when i looked in the mirror, all i'd ever see is that duncecap on my head. i want to thank them for helping me see that i had/have value and that i was/am a good person.



Sunday, January 20, 2013

greys

so, it's to no one's surprise that lance armstrong was doping. just as people knew oj killed his wife, and you really didn't want your children around michael jackson, lance armstrong doped up to enhance his performance- this is a surprise to no one. a fact. and really, unless you were completely stupid, you knew it even before his confession.

but i was among those who really didn't want old lance to be guilty. not because i care about the sport of biking or lance, but because i was once comforted by something he said. it was after someone close to me died of cancer. and before she died, i was super aggravated with all the "pray for" people. i hated the thought that god might make people play the "game" of begging and praying for their lives or the lives of those they loved.

and after she died, i was super aggravated by those who said such things as "this" was part of "his" plan, just we could not understand it because we were stupid mortals. the people who set my teeth on edge the most were those that said that god had performed some miracle in their life, or that their own personal jesus had swooped in and saved their day.

truly an annoying thing to hear when "your own" personal jesus doesn't come in and save your day or make your dreams come true. makes you think "HEY, NO FAIR, jesus!"

also unfair is the deal where people tell you that you were being "tested" or "made stronger."

anyway in his "it's not about the bike" book, lance had the "audacity" to say that he really didn't attribute his being saved from testicular cancer by god. mostly he attributed his survival to good doctors and plain and simple luck, for which he had no explaination. i thought "thank YOU LANCE!" and "finally, AN HONEST PERSON talking about his recovery."

but here's the thing with people. they can be liars about one thing and truth tellers about others. people are usually not completely black or completely white. and i don't like that. i want people to be one or the other. simply bad. or simply good.

and i want that for myself too. it really upsets me to not be completely perfect, honest, and good. it aggravates the heck out of me that i can't be. that i've done wrong things, or made mistakes, (even if i was well-intentioned) and that quite often i think the worst of people. or that i can't forgive people for things.

i want things not to be grey. but since they aren't, i guess i will have to content myself with that while lance is a jerk, at one moment he said one thing that made sense to me. and that his being a "bad sportsman" doesn't negate what he once said.
`

Sunday, January 13, 2013

presto chango

yes. i deleted yesterday. yesterday's blog that is.

why? because it was too much. too much of how i no longer want to be. and it occurs to me that the reason i wrote it had to do with that i'd been "home."

and being back there always depresses me. and makes me depressing.

so now i've been back here (my new real home) for overnight and i feel set to rights. and i don't want that blog on here.

so read this. and don't weep. (-:

Monday, January 7, 2013

what are you doing today?

"what are you doing today?" i was asked about my birthday.

my answer was "whatever i want to and nothing i don't." was my answer.

which is mostly true. i am not doing anything i don't want to do, and i'm doing only things i want to do. i am not, however, doing everything i want.

simply because, as the stones sang, "you can't always get what you want."

i don't always think however, that "if you try, you get what you need" though. but then again, the stones didn't actually say that either, did they? what they actually said was "if you try, SOMETIMES, you get what you need."

to which i would say "and most times, you don't, no matter how hard you try or how sincere you are."

yes, i am a cynic. some would call me a pessimist. i would call myself a realist, i guess.

but so, here i was on the phone and my friend asking me "what are you going to do today?" with the strong insinuation that i ought to be doing something special for my birthday ON my birthday. and it's not like i'm feeling neglected by friends or family or anything. by the end of the week, i will have celebrated the event 4 (and maybe 5) times. just none of it on the actual day is all. but even so, i felt a bit defensive at my friend's question. a bit like a loser that she might feel sorry for.

except that i really don't really feel like a loser. i actually feel just fine and content. and if not a winner, at least a person who isn't 6 feet under or wanting to be.