something cool.

so this kid who had just gotten his g.e.d. diploma was walking to a job interview. some ways away. and he was walking during an ice-storm.

and part way there he stopped and asked a guy, who was out shoveling his walk, for directions, to make sure he was on track. and the man gave the kid directions, but he also added that he'd be better off taking a bus because it was quite some distance away.

the kid says "thanks." and he walked on.

some time later the guy who was shoveling snow got in his car with his wife to go get a cup of coffee. and who do they see? the kid still walking. the ice still pelting him.

so they stop to give the kid a ride.

and they learn that he's on the way to interview for a job at a fast food joint for a job that will pay minimum wage.


and the guy tells the kid that even if he gets the job at the fast food joint that he'd like to offer him a job for TWICE the money at his restaurant. (which was where he was shoveling the walk when the kid stopped for directions.)

true story. cool. huh?

that's the world i want to live in.

and here's a joke for you

so yesterday, was much too much. i know. i was going to stop yakking all about my internal feelings. it's mighty mighty boring.

so today- here is a joke. which perhaps i'm the only one who will think it's funny. but funny, i think it is- so here it is...


An Indian chief had three wives......:

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

those who lift and those who lean

a poem by ella wheeler wilcox-


“Lifting and Leaning
There are two kinds of people on earth today,
Just two kinds of people, no more, I say.

Not the good and the bad, for 'tis well understood
The good are half bad and the bad are half good.

Not the happy and sad, for the swift-flying years
Brings each man his laughter and each man his tears.

Not the rich and the poor, for to count a man's wealth
You must first know the state of his conscience and health.

Not the humble and proud, for in life's busy span
He who puts on vain airs is not counted a man.

No! The two kinds of people on earth I mean
Are the people who lift and the people who lean.

Wherever you go you will find the world's masses
Are ever divided in just two classes.

And, strangely enough, you will find, too, I ween,
There is only one lifter to twenty who lean.

In which class are you? Are you easing the load
Of overtaxed lifters who toil down the road?

Or are you a leaner who lets others bear
Your portion of worry and labor and care?”

so, i'm back in my hometown this weekend. for a number of reasons- my grandson's basketball finale, an education meeting, and a hometown theater production that my mother was in. and since i was in "rome," i did as "the romans" there, and i went to church this morning.

and yes, i know what you are thinking. that i'm quite the hypocrite, given how you know i feel about church these days. but. before you judge, hear me out on this, because hypocrite or not, i did find some rearrangement of thought there this morning.....

so, you also know how i used to be quite fervent in my beliefs. and i'm not sure i ever told you why- but basically it was because when my children were infants, church was the one place i could take them, stick them in the nursery where i didn't have to worry about them for a whole hour, and i could sit and listen to adults talk about ideas bigger than themselves. (remember, i lived in the small town.) and so at the time, we had an extremely intelligent and intellectual and well-read minister (how misplaced was he?) and well, whether or not i could believe in spiritual hocus pocus or such, i could believe in all these grand ideas and social/political philosophies. and then one day, suddenly, i just started feeling it. feeling that "THIS is what God is, God is the GOOD, the INTELLIGENT, the TRIUMPH over what all is base and rude, and meaningless in your life and in life, in general." and as i started to believe in that, i started to be grateful for it all. grateful to the God, who inspired this triumph in people.

fastforward to later. when i felt like all of the sudden that this god could not even exist. because surely a god like i had believed in would recognize the goodness that was in me, and well reward me for it. this god, surely if he knew how deep and pure my love for someone was, would certainly intervene for me in circumstances that were ripping this relationship asunder.

well imagine, how very pissed off i was, when he didn't. so pissed off, that the FEELING, the KNOWLEDGE, the spirit of that God failed me, that i couldn't deal with him, except by realizing that he never really existed. that i had been fooled into believery. and i had been quite the fool.

now let me tell you something- i'm not still yet again a believer. in this god. or that God. i'm still right there firmly in the atheist category. not that i don't recognize that even if there was such a God as i once believed in, that it was selfish, and childish, and ridiculous of me to expect him to give me good things or tit for tat. seriously, i recognize that i was quite as bad as all those "pray for" people in the world, that i hate. expecting anything at all that way. it was vain, even arrogant of me, to expect that. i do get that.

and some would think now that, given my realization of my own failings, that they were MY failings and not God's, that i could now instantly believe again. but i can't. and i don't. and at times, i really still think and wonder "was i hypnotized back then? when my kids were all safe in the nursery and i was all safe in the pew and i had my "revelation of belief" - was i simply just unbelievably naively hypnotized or something? because seriously, if you look at science and math and all that is truly evidentially proofable and true, you really can't intellectually believe in a God. even if you really want to. you just can't. it makes no more logical sense than believing in Santa Claus or the easter bunny or aunt jemima.

but fast-forward with me again now. back to today, where i went to church, because it's a familial and social convention. and we had a sub minister. who i knew. know. and who i know to be mensa smart. literally. and i'mthinking to myself, how can this genius smart guy still believe in this God? but i don't let it trouble me too much, because i'm thinking "oh well, he does. just listen to him and see what he has to say today."

and he interwove some really great stories with this poem. that i'd heard before. when the same guy had spoken at a funeral of someone i'd known. his story was different and actually his points were different when he recited the poem this time, but when he started reciting, i remembered it instantly for the effect that it had had on me the first time i'd heard it.

and i got to thinking that perhaps it doesn't matter to me so much whether or not i believe in a god. or anyone else does for that matter, or why they do, but what does matter to me is whether or not they believe in this lift/lean philosophy in life. that it's preferable to be a lifter, rather than a leaner.

and i don't mean that in the more selfish sense as in being such with your own family, or even you're own job or business if you happen to own or run one, but in the whole societal sense. because of course you care about the members of your family or what profits you and yours. duh. but. is what you are doing or about to do good for people as a whole? or isn't it? does it involve you leaning on people? or does it involve you lifting people? and not just some people who are special to you, or just the people you judge worthy of being lifted. but all people.

i have to tell you. the less inclined i am to believe in a god, the less inclined i am to believe in capitalism. or the idea that lifting some people will raise to the lifting of all people. and i think in the end, that this might have been the one thing that i fundementally didn't like about the whole God thing in the first place, even when i believed in God. i didn't like that whole "God helps those who help themselves" idea.

because quite honestly, that does sort of lead you to the hopeful belief that if you have good and pure intentions, that God will protect you somehow or at the very least he will open a window for you when another one shuts. plus it also gives you another false hope that what is good for you, will be good for other people.

if god makes you rich, well then you will be generous and give back and help other boats rise too. well, that's all good and fine, if you're an andrew carnegie in the end. doing "real and permanent good." but geez, look at the depravity of the bill gates foundation and the sam walton bunch. they aren't lifting any boats. they seem downright set on sinking boats so that only their "special boats" can rise. seriously, i'd rather they fund the PUBLIC post office (since libraries are taken) than what they are doing to all the little boats of education and scientific discovery in the name of "philanthropy." they are leaning on people. not in the sense of depending on them, but in the sense of leaning on them to do things their way. leaning on them to believe and act in certain ways with the promise of a carrot, but also with the threat of taking away your carrot, if you aren't a good donkey or something.

really. it would be like andrew caregie saying "you can enter my libraries and check out some books, but ONLY if you write a better grant than that guy, or are clean and tidy and wear the right clothes, or "walk this way" or show me in some way that you are worthy of coming in the door and that you'll be accountable for all those books." so to bill gates, i say- "that's just bullshit. you're not a lifter, you're a leaner."

so my belief in god and free trade capitalism have gone right out the window together, it seems. and what remains is that idea of who i want to be. not someone who leans on people. or someone who believes someone else, be it a god or a significant other, or a philanthropist should be there to help prop me up. but i want to be someone who helps lift others up.

that's my religion, right there. so see, i did get something out of church today. even if it wasn't god. it was good.

and that brings me around to thinking about a conversation i'd had with my sister in law last week. and i was kind of reflecting that for the most part, i'd been sort of a failure in life thus far. and i thought outloud that perhaps that was because i just never had anything like ambition in me. i never aspired to be anyone or do anything remarkable or achieve anything. i'd not built a bridge, or cured cancer, or become the top of some organization. i'd not written a song that made the whole world sing. anything like that. i'd somehow just been content to just do or try to deal with whatever ever it was in front of me at the time. i said "perhaps i'm just lazy." to which she responded that i certainly wasn't lazy. and that while maybe, i was right, that i was not at all ambitious personally, the one thing i was- was purposeful. she told me, that she'd never seen me in all the years she'd known me that i didn't have a sense of purpose.

and i'm thinking now, that this perhaps is what i'd really lost for awhile. this sense of purpose. and maybe now, i've found it again. or remembered it again.

wtf?

i admit it. i have really gotten into the pbs soap opera "downton abbey." my mother got me watching it. it fit in well with my escape from my reality scenario. what can be better than an addictive fictionalized tv series about british aristocracy when you're feeling like your own life lacks something.

not that my life lately has been that bad. it's been mildly good actually. but still, escapism is a nice thing.

so but wth? the 3rd season was what? all of 4? episodes long. and then, wtf? all this dying? what the heck is with all this constant dying? mortality in childbirth? car crashes? can't the crawleys all be intact and happy for more than 5 or so minutes at a time?

all this tragedy, it's a little bit too much like real life for my tastes.

but no matter. unlike real life, where deaths of people you love throw you off kilter for quite some time, giving people time to stomp on you some more, you can expect the granthams to bounce back and regain their stiff upper lips just in time for pbs to do some fundraising before the next season.

perhaps it was no escape afterall.

the stuff dreams are made of

i don't dream often these days. or perhaps i do, but just don't know it. but when i do dream, and i do semi-wake to remember them, i'm kind of disturbed. about the content.

this morning i woke up with the dream of a question put to me. it went like this..."if you could get away with one (just one) murder in your life, with no consequences either here or in an afterlife, would there be someone that you'd kill?"


to which i was answering... "well, yes. in fact, there is someone i would kill."


and that's disturbing, is it not? because as i was waking up, i was thinking "wow, i am a horrible person, because i would kill this person." and i'd not blink an eye. or feel badly about it. this person truly disgusts me.

but i was disturbed by this. and i had to talk myself around to "of course, i'd never kill someone. no matter how much i hate them." but it took me awhile.

and then i started thinking whether there would be circumstances where i would actually kill someone. perhaps if someone i loved were being threatened. and then i thought, "but i would never own or carry a weapon of any kind, so if i were going to kill someone, i'd have to kill them with whatever was at hand. a brick. a pointy umbrella. or a butter knife or something. so chances are that i'll never kill someone. whew.

what's also kind of disturbing to me is that i'm not sure what in the dream preceeded the question. i'm not sure even who was asking me the question. and it got me wondering, what would have happened if i hadn't of awakened at that point. it also got me thinking, that a person has no control over what goes through their heart or mind while they are sleeping. if they could move, they could do horrible things and not even ever remember it. that's creepy huh? and who are you really? the person you are when you are awake? or the person you are when you are asleep? the person who wouldn't ever kill? or the person who most certainly would?

anyway, this person i was thinking i would kill, better hope i never develop the habit of sleepwalking. because apparently, it's the stuff my dreams are made of.

dispirited

so sometimes, i turn on the tv for no reason and there is just wierd stuff on. and i'm compelled to watch it. so i've watched a lot of crazy stuff.

so i've watched a few episodes of "long island medium." and of course, it's probably all bunk. but there are lots of people who swear by her. and the whole idea of mediums. and so i watch it with interest.

and i may have written before about how disturbing it is to me thinking about the whole issue of dead people you know hovering around you all the time. i do not know why this is comforting to anyone at all. especially, according to the Long Island medium, they seem to be able to read your thoughts.

and so they (the spirits) are going to know what all you really think about things. and they are going to know if you are less than honest or if you are a big phony. or if you are actually very selfish. or lazy. or whatever. do you see what i'm saying? it would seem they see your each and every flaw and mistake, and they even know when you have bad intentions. because let's face it, if we're human and we're not sister simone or someone, we are probably a little bit awful, don't you think? or is it just me? am i the only person who knows themself to be awful on the inside sometimes?

i mean, i watch those people coming to see lim and they all seem so nice, sincere, and they all seem like good and wonderful folk who would never have a thing they'd want to hide and who would never hate someone else or someone.

which brings me to another thought. even IF, all these people are really like this (and not like me)- i'm sure that there are tons and tons of truly just awful people out there. how come the lim never picks up on spirit trying to talk to them? if you are terrible, do you just not have a spirit following? everyone in the dead zone gave up on your soul? what? how dispiriting.

the acquisition of new skills

so i'm learning a few new tricks here.

first i'm acquainting myself with the fine art(s) of lobbying. i'm learning the ropes and intracacies of the general assembly and trying very hard to be master over my introversion. reviewing all i ever knew about non-confrontational,yet effective, communication. reading a bit of george lakoff. learning to reframe things.

and then also, i'm working on actually becoming good at cooking. i do not know why this suddenly interests me, i literally used to hate it. but it seems to make me happy now. maybe because i actually have the time, and i'm not trying to do it under pressure? i'm only cooking for me, so if i screw up, who cares? and maybe partially, because i'm so enjoying grocery shopping here. there is every kind of grocery imaginable within close range of here. i like just strolling around them and it puts me over the moon to buy obscure items or ingredients. or maybe it's because i actually have a set of sharp, nice knives, and chopping is theraputic? or maybe i just like my tiny little kitchen. who knows? this week, i'm trying jambalaya, on my own.

and i'm thinking that my next venture might be to concentrate on learning a second language. all these enl people i'm meeting- so smart and so interesting, they are inspiring me to attempt this. or maybe it's all those episodes of "international house hunters" i watch. right now, i'm trying to decide what language to start with. Spanish might be nice, because i know a tiny little bit, but my new friends make fun of the way i say "guadalahara" and i can't roll my r's. or maybe i should go with japanese as it seems that i could really use that one. french is out. i'd consider russian.

and then there are the old goals of actually mastering playing an instrument competently (instead of like a 6 year old) and becoming a better than snail-paced runner. running is the weak leg of my tri-atholon skills. only problem is that i think those triathalon people are ridiculous. and i don't want to be one. (-: it just makes me mad though, that i can't actually run. running just seems like a practical skill, you know? to get away. to catch up.

anyway, geez, what's next? growing orchids?

popeless, popeless, popeless.

that can be al yankovich's next song. a parody of neil young. or has al also mercifully retired?

i don't know why exactly this whole pope thing amuses me, but it does. he wants to read books and pray. i mean, isn't that what he did anyway? he's got to retire to do that?

i suppose it's that it takes a lot of weight off his shoulders. i do get that. i was real tired of having weight on my shoulders too. but you would think that a guy who had ambitions to be pope wouldn't be much like me.

i actually didn't like this pope very much. not that it matters if i like any particular pope or not. i'm not catholic and all. but here's something else i've always wondered- do they have to get a guy who is a hundred and 10, everytime? why not a young pope? a vibrant pope? a dancing or singing pope would be great. how about a pope that tells jokes and juggles?

in the meantime- we find ourselves somewhat popeless. some people might be wondering "who's going to wave at us now?" i'm finding that doesn't matter much to me. i think the sun is still going to come up tomorrow. pope or no pope.

hedgehogs and hegemony

“If somebody thinks they're a hedgehog, presumably you just give 'em a mirror and a few pictures of hedgehogs and tell them to sort it out for themselves.” douglas adams

hegemony: preponderant influence or authority over others

so i'm thinking about how my life has turned out, and how my perception of myself has changed dramatically in the past few months.

and what has changed my perspective? sure, partially it's the move and the new environment. it's funny how getting out of hell on earth can do that for you. but part of it's that i've finally stopped letting someone's perspectives have the preponderant influence over me. and i've started to see myself as other people, (besides "him") see me, instead.

and apparently, these others- they don't see me as a hedgehog. or evil. or a bitch. or vile. or despicable. or whatever else i was called and presumed to be.

what a heady day it's been. some seriousness flattery and compliments coming my way. and. i'm feeling strong. and i'm feeling good. and i'm feeling appreciated for who i am and for what's in my heart. it's been a very long long time, since i've felt that way.

and it's not like people have shown me pictures of hedgehogs. and let me sort it all out by myself. i'm really not smart enough for that. instead, lately, people have shown me "pictures" of who i've been to them. and i'm starting to think- "hmmmm." and "maybe, maybe... THAT's what is really true."

and maybe the real definition of hegemony has more to do with cultural or political influence than an individual's influence over someone's personal perceptions of themself. but what can i say? hedgehogs and hegemony? who could resist how those two words sound together? not me.

a difference between day and night

you know, i've NEVER willingly been an early riser. but i'm starting to see the light. i'm starting to realize that mornings are actually quite nice.

you know what the trick is to enjoying the a.m.? i'm going to tell you. lean in here, so that you can hear...

the secret IS: ............ NOT BEING EXHAUSTED!!!!!!!

i never fully realized how exhausted i was before!!!!

in fact, i think the secret to enjoying almost everything in life is not being exhausted. and i'm sad for everyone who has never experienced this. i'm sad that i never experienced it before.

want to know another little secret about me? i have never enjoyed taking walks. i've tried to. i've wanted to. i've wanted to enjoy getting out in the fresh air, to walk a path, looking around at stuff. but i've never really liked it. whenever i have done it, i was always thinking that i'd be so so glad to get back home. and if i ever did it, it was because i thought i ought to get out and exercise or oxygen or i thought i at least ought not to be sitting on my butt. it was "i SHOULD to this," not "i want to do this."

but today? today, after work, it was nice out, and i went for a very long walk. an hour and a half of a walk. and i listened to npr and i enjoyed the sights of nature; i even looked at birds. and i peeked into people's backyards, and wondered about them and their lives. and it was delightful! and i would have kept going for much longer and not been bored, except that it was starting to get dark.

what a wonder! and the reason i suddenly liked walking? i really think it's because i'm NOT EXHAUSTED!!!

anyway, i really don't know how to act anymore. because everything that is in my life is stuff i enjoy. i love my new job. i love that it's part time, and that i'm not worn completely out when i finally get home, and yet, it's still what i consider "important work." i love my little apartment. i love that everything i need is within a few blocks from me. i love the people i've met. i LOVE not being tired beyond tired. and i am starting to love mornings. time for a nice cup of coffee, a little bit of reading and sitting in the sunshine before i take off for work. which is less than 2 minutes away. and then, a long walk when i get home? icing on this wonderful cake! it's all very sweet.

be wary

This is for a dear friend of mine. I haven't really said these things to her yet. I'm not sure if I should. However, these are the things i know.


1. Beware the man who can't/won't accept an apology or who sets conditions on apologies.

2. Beware the man who can't/won't issue an apology.

3. Beware the man who can't/won't deal with a challenge to his beliefs.

4. Beware the man who can't/won't be wrong.

5. Beware the man who can't/won't walk away from an argument, but also the man who can't/won't stay for the argument.

6. Beware the man who can't/won't listen and can't/won't give you the benefit of any doubt when you ask him to.