poisonwood easter

a friend of mine gave me the book "the poisonwood bible" to read. as we had been discussing alumni of my parents' and my brother's alma mater. and barbara kingsolver is one of those.

and i've avoided reading this book up to now, because i so hate oprah winfrey. if she likes something, it makes me not want to like it. i know that's silly and childish, but she's (Oprah) SO wrong on education issues that i can't stomach her. and if oprah stamps her stupid little circle on a book, i try like hell not to read it. and yes, i know, i've probably missed a lot of great great books because of that. still, childish, i am. and there are so many great books in the world, surely i can find a few that oprah and her staff have not ruined for me.

but my friend took the trouble to bring this book to my house for me. and since i have great respect for my friend, i figured, i should ditch my oprahhate, just this once. after all, it's timely even- what with the state of the congo and all.

so, i am not finished with with the book yet. i'm only about 3/4 through it and i don't know how it ends. but i just finished a particularly astonishing part of it.

it's also easter today. and on top of that, tomorrow is the anniversary of my father's death. and i went to church with some of my family today and my mother had easter flowers dedicated for us in memory of him. and there is an interim minister there. who wasn't much. his little bio, that he seemed to have provided the information for himself, smacked of him thinking he was a clever man. but you could tell he really wasn't.

but at least he wasn't like the minister/father in the book. he wasn't a self-righteous, arrogant, egotistical pig of a man. just a little vain and stupid is all.

so the book makes you think quite a lot about the whole concept of the christian god. and you think about it through the eyes of 5 very distinct and different mature and immature precocious storytellers. and i'm just at a part where one of the daughter/storytellers in the story has the whole god thing, that she's been taught all her life, thrown right up in her face.

another character tells her "i'm telling you what i'm telling you. don't try to make life a mathematics problem with yourself in the center and everything coming out equal. when you are good, bad things can still happen. And if you are bad, you can still be lucky."

and her thoughts answer, "i could see what he thought; that my faith in justice was childish, no more useful here than tires on a horse. i felt the breath of god grow cold on my skin."

and i felt somewhat slapped in the face myself, as i read these words. remembering how i learned this same lesson in life, in less dire circumstances, of course. still it really stings.

because deep down, i'd always had some kind of faith in justice. and when things weren't what i considered just, i couldn't stand it. the whole feeling of that almost made me crazy for awhile. ok, it did make me crazy for awhile. and now i just feel stupid. just as this poor character feels stupid, as she has the rug of her whole life pulled out from under her.

i don't know how this book is going to end. what i really hope though is that it doesn't end up sappy. i pray that it does not end up sappy.

but so on the eve of the anniversary of my father's death, all these thoughts from this book and all those gibberishy words of the minister this morning are streaming through a big teabag in my head. and i think of my dad and i marvel that he had a faith and a belief in god. because i'm not sure how he really could have. but he did. but he certainly didn't have any of my childish thoughts about that things had to be just, like a fairytale because his life certrainly wasn't just. so i don't know how he could have believed. or why. except maybe it made as much sense to him as anything else did.

so even while i want to finish the book. i have to lay it down for the night. i can't be chopping through all this poisonwood. and instead of thinking about all this stuff, here's what i'm going to do. i'm going to think about my son and how proud i am of him. and i'm going to think about my daughter and how happy i am for her. and i'm going to think about my grandson and how much he amuses me. i'm going to think about my daughter in law and how sweet she was to me this weekend. i'm going to think about my family and how amazing they all really are. i'm going to think about my friends and how good they are to me. i'm going to think about all the good, strong, courageous people that i've come to know.

that's the kind of easter i'm going to have.

spooky

so, last night, i was messing around with google earth. I love the google earth. simply for the "fly-over" thing. you know- you put in a destination and it "flies" you from where-ever you are to the location you asked for.

so, i was doing that last night, and i put in a location of somewhere i've never been. and i take off and i land in this place that i swear to you that i have never been. and this wasn't a famous place. just a place. that i've never been.

and you know what? once i dreamed this exact place. and i remember this dream and this place vividly because it was a very sad dream. a very sad dream. which was odd because at the time when i dreamed it, i was the happiest i ever was in my life. and so i really couldn't understand the dream at all at the time, although i did later.

but so last night i saw this place on google earth. and i swear to you that i was never actually there. except in that dream. spooky, huh?

what i shouldadid

yes, i know. it's "what i should have done." but I like shouldadid better. it's something we used to say as kids.

so one of my friends, who knows how much i love a good glass of wine and who loves to tease me, put this thing on facebook today and dedicated it to me. it was a picture of a wine bottle with the label reading:

"Do not let this wine bottle serve as an inspiration to call your ex in a pathetic attempt to get back together. Some very fine grapes have died in the making of this wine. Show some respect."

ah. funny, funny. and good advice. from a wine bottle. and a friend.

not that i ever called him. i have this talking on the phone hatred, almost phobia. so i never called him. but i sure did email him. and email him. and email him.

and not always under the influence of wine. i can't really blame it all on the wine talking. i might have been crazy for a time though.

it's just that i sincerely thought at the time that he had a human heart. and i also thought that if i could just find the "right" thing to say, he'd get it, that he was throwing something and someone valuable away. i tried logic. i tried illogical, irrational arguments. i tried empathy. i tried appealing to his sympathy. even other people tried appealing to him. i tried anger. i tried love. i tried it all. but, as it turns out, i was just stupid with love. he had no heart. much as i wanted to believe that he did.

so long story short, let me and this wine bottle serve as a cautionary tale to you if you are ever in such a situation- if someone tells you they are through with you- let them walk. show some respect for the grape. and show some respect for yourself. while you still have some.

really, it's what i shouldadid.

boing.

so even while i'm retired from education, my part time job that I work,in order to be able to eat and stuff, revolves roughly around the public school schedule. therefore, i'm on spring break this week.

and while per usual, i'm not going anywhere, it's been good. to start, there were the ncaa games to watch, and then there were some nice talks with my daughter. sleeping in. and then my son's family came to visit me. which was awesome.

and now that they are gone, i have a few days to do whatever i please, and nothing, before heading to the hometown for the easter holiday.

and everything is quite and rather nice here for those of us pinching our pennies and not going somewhere tropical on our spring break. EXCEPT for that it's cold and snowy.

and DARN IT, I'M TIRED OF WINTER, AND I WANT SOME WARM WEATHER!!! my apt sits on the very edge of a very cool, walking/jogging/running trail that cuts through the city. i have an itty bitty balcony patio that i just bought a little bistro table and chairs for. and when it gets really warm, there's a very nice pool here to use. i've planted a tomato plant and a sunflower in pots. i'm considering what other flowers i want to pot. (i also have started a banana plantation in a tiny little terrarium. (-:) where is my sun? where is

but so far, the only warmth i'm feeling is from the shower and the fireplace. my spring is broken!

rave reviews!

so i don't want to brag.

ok, yes. i want to brag. even while i really hate braggers. i do still want to brag.

because i'm awfully proud of myself tonight.

you see i did something today that i've never done before and that's that I stood up before my entire state senate and a pretty decent sized visiting audience and spoke on an issue that i really care about.

and well, i was one of many speakers, and there were a great many of them who were awesome, but i, my little self, got a huge number of really super compliments on my little 5 minute talk. my favorite was "you were so eloquent and passionate today! i almost cried, seriously!"

i cannot tell you how proud this makes me. because i can tell you how very HARD this was for me. i mean, i had no problems writing my speech. except for editing it to not go over the allotted time. and i don't have problems reading aloud. actually, i'm a pretty good "outloud" reader, in that i know i can read almost anything with expression. once a long time ago, i tape recorded an entire chemistry book for a student, explaining illustrations and all, and when i went back to check it for accuracy, i found that even while i didn't even know what i was reading about in at least half the book, i made it sound like a storybook. (-: it made me laugh. but so anyway, getting up in front of people and all, though? do you have ANY idea how very introverted i am, by nature? any idea?

i want to throw up; it makes me so nervous. once an administrator i worked with called me "a little firecracker" because he said that I was so very quiet for the most part, but then when i have something to say, i really say it. bang!"

and i told him, truthfully, that it's because i'd really just rather not speak unless i feel compelled to. I am happy to let others have the spotlight, so long as i feel that there is nothing to be added. but i cannot stand to be quiet, when something NEEDS to be said. and so it bursts out of me.

anyway, today i'm very proud to say that someone found me to be eloquent and passionate. and other people said a lot of other nice things. but i'm really proud of eloquent and passionate. because i've always wanted to be those things. (-:

procrastination

i can waste time like no one else. and be completly happy about it.

after working today, i had planned on taking on three projects that i need to get done before tuesday, and i was going to go to my little gym to do my daily workout. after that i was going to go shop for a little cafe table to put on my balcony and stop for fancy yuppy coffee on the way home.

but you know what? i did none of that. what did i do instead?

well, nothing, really.

well not exactly nothing. i mean, i did watch 2 big ten basketball games. i had a couple glasses of wine. i texted for awhile with my 20 something niece, who from time to time amuses me by texting me out of the blue to tell me what she's doing and that i'm her favorite aunt. today she was enjoying st. pat's activities with her friends. mimosas, a parade, green beer, and a sports bar. i enjoyed her life from afar. we agreed to have mimosas together when we meet up in may for her brother's college graduation. then, i talked on the phone with a good friend for maybe an hour. i answered 3 emails that i'd neglected earlier in the week. i watched a movie. i caught up on my words with friends games. i hunted down some paperwork i need. cleaned out my "work bag."

and that's really it. i'm not even sure how that little bit of doing nothing even took all day. but here it is. after midnight and i can rightfully claim that i procrastinated the day away and accomplished exactly nothing.

yeah me!

great expectations

so yes, this blog is about the dickens' book. i just read it. i never had.

and i had great expectations about it. i like dickens. and for the most part, i wasn't disappointed.

EXCEPT for the ending. with estelle. i found that to be completely not right and not to my liking.

so after i read it, i did as i often do when i finish books, i went to read what others thought of the book. usually, i'll read the cliffnotes, the sparknotes, wikipedia, etc.

and in the wikipedia article, i read that the way it ended was NOT the way dickens originally ended it. and that he only changed the conclusion reluctantly, on the advise of others to make it more happy and more saleable.

and i thought "damn you dickens, capitulating to popular thought is not something i would have expected from you."

what i felt didn't ring true was that estelle could change and be humbled. not that i don't think people can change. i very much believe that people can change. and for the better. but just not estelle, or people like her. and they especially don't change because they are treated ill. which she was. in fact, what i've found is that the worse people are treated, the worse they become. but particularly a person like estelle. she's not going to change if she's treated poorly. in fact, i don't even think she would change even if she'd been treated well. i just don't think she'd change.

what i pictured estelle as, is a sociopath. you know? a person who only sees the value in others for what they can do for her. a person who can come across completely charming and would give you the world IF they want or need something from you. but once they don't, or once someone stands in their way about something, they can't lose "you" quickly enough.

trust me. i've known a few sociopaths. and you can't expect anything truly good from them, ever. they are only in "it" for themselves. and they are emotionally crippled. and god forbid you ever need something from them that causes them any problems or doesn't give them a gain. so yeah, i really really do not think estelle could change. and i think dickens had it right the first time.

the only person that estelle could ever be really happy with or good to is another sociopath who had the same goals as her. well, pip. he was just too sweet to ever be like estelle. you could tell that throughout the book, but most especially when he doesn't tell magwich that his daughter turned out to be a sociopath. he was so sweet, he let poor magwich believe the happily ever after ending that he'd hoped for. and so, you certainly did not want to see pip sucked back in to her deal in the end.

apparently dickens also changed his last sentence from "I could see the shadow of no parting from her." to "I saw no shadow of another parting from her."

i think dickens' first ending and final sentence saying that he could clearly see that not parting from her would mean he could expect to live his life in a horrible shadow if he went back to her- was perfect. and in the second version of the ending and the sentence, it means to me that he thought with her x and the past out of the way, they would live happily ever after. seriously, that's much too simple and disney an ending to such a great story. it's too slapped on. and well i expect more from dickens than that.

things of note

i was sick almost all weekend.

one of my children had exciting news for me this week.

i got a very touching little video from someone this last week, that i've probably watched a 100 times now.

my x's longer than expected surgery ended up well.

someone i've long been jealous of completely creeped me out this week. and voila- i'm no longer jealous!

this is the latest i've ever been doing my taxes. and i need to get on them.

i HATE the time change. why can't we just stay on the same time all year. i HATE changing times. it's disorienting.

time for bed. i NEED sleep!!!

don't let it bring you down....

i had a pretty long conversation last night with one of my best friend's mother. who is a recent widow.

and she told me that she always knew that her husband would die before she did, but that she always assumed that it would be sometime in the future. not now. she wanted to know how long it was acceptable for her to grieve. trying to crack a joke, she asked "just exactly how long can i be an ass?"

i told her "i think as long as you want to." although i'm sure not everyone would agree with me on that. Some people aren't very tolerant of grievers.

she is worried about her daughter. she doesn't want to share with her how awful she feels, because she knows her daughter, my friend, is not doing very well with it either. she doesn't want to upset her. she said "you know, she was daddy's little girl. and now, she's not."

she wondered if she was going crazy. i assured her she was not.

she said "i know i will be ok?" (it was a question.)

I said, "of course you will." (it was a lie of an answer, how the hell do i know?)

and she said "but not yet."

i said, "really, that's ok."

she said, "i don't know why i'm so upset, i didn't really even like him."

i smiled.

she teared up.

i (internally) reflected that there were a lot of similarities between my friend's father's death and my own father's. except that my father was not really in that ill of health until the medical establishment got ahold of him. her's was. but towards the end, it was some the same. a decision had to be made. it was inevitable. and it was on the way.

once someone asked me if i thought someone's sudden death was worse than a death you can see coming. i've had experience with grieving from both, you know. so i think they thought i'd know. and at the time i said "yeah, i don't know." i didn't know.

but now, i'm inclined to believe that it's almost worse when you know ahead of time. because you think you can prepare yourself. and it's disturbing when you really can't. you feel like a failure or something.

Anyway, I've felt sad all day. Neil young sings in my head.

"Just find someone who's turning....."

I just wish i could.

on being devoured by the earth, part 2

ok, so as i felt inclined to comment on my own post just now, obviously what i wrote just now (in jest) bothered me a bit.

and since it bothers me, i want to reflect on it a bit.

so first, please know that there is a big difference between saying something a bit colorfully and actually wishing it. please know that i'm never going to arrange for a giant sinkhole to come and dine on him and his ridiculous new wife. i'm venting a little frustration and anger is all.

but so, it bothers me that he (and she) still anger me even after all these years. it might be indicative that i'm not over things. and that i'm not happy in my life. and all that stuff, that would clearly be considered unhealthy.

but interestingly enough, just this morning, i exchanged texts with someone regarding an old work situation, where i felt (and still feel) that i'd been screwed royally. and i said "even while i am as happy as a clam about how things turned out, and i wouldn't want it to have ended up any other way, i am STILL angry about "it."

my fellow texter's reply? "well, you should be. i don't blame you one bit. you wouldn't be normal if you weren't angered by it all."

so that's roughly what i want to say to any of you who would judge me as harshly as i judge myself on things here. because while i actually would have things in this case turn out differently than they did, my life now is not unhappy. i am not bitter. i'm not what you would call a bitter person today, if you met me now. but what i am, still, is angry about it all. and the further i get away from it all, the more right i feel i have to be angry as all hell.

and from time to time, i feel that it's healthy to vent that anger. and that's why i wrote what i wrote.

on being devoured by the earth

so we wake up this morning to the news that the state of florida has started to eat its residents. I guess one guy escaped from a giant sinkhole that decided to ingest his home, but his brother remains "missing." i have to say, that this distant relative of schrodinger's cat is most likely dead. so much for physics. so much for cats.

very sad indeed. i'm not trying to make fun of cats or sinkholes or this tragedy, however. i wouldn't do that. really. but what i would like to reflect upon today is the phenomenon of being sucked up by the ground.

because i'm not going to lie. there was awhile. quite a long while actually, where i literally wished for the earth to swallow me whole.

i was so devasted, heartbroken, destroyed. that i didn't want to live. i wanted to be devoured by the earth. or struck by lightening. or dumped from a plane without a parachute. trying not to land on anyone, of course. ok, maybe i would have like to have landed on one particular person and take him out with me, but that was then. now i only wish him happiness.

ok, truthfully, if you really want to get truthful, what i really want right now is for someone to sell him some sinkhole land in florida.