don't let it bring you down....

i had a pretty long conversation last night with one of my best friend's mother. who is a recent widow.

and she told me that she always knew that her husband would die before she did, but that she always assumed that it would be sometime in the future. not now. she wanted to know how long it was acceptable for her to grieve. trying to crack a joke, she asked "just exactly how long can i be an ass?"

i told her "i think as long as you want to." although i'm sure not everyone would agree with me on that. Some people aren't very tolerant of grievers.

she is worried about her daughter. she doesn't want to share with her how awful she feels, because she knows her daughter, my friend, is not doing very well with it either. she doesn't want to upset her. she said "you know, she was daddy's little girl. and now, she's not."

she wondered if she was going crazy. i assured her she was not.

she said "i know i will be ok?" (it was a question.)

I said, "of course you will." (it was a lie of an answer, how the hell do i know?)

and she said "but not yet."

i said, "really, that's ok."

she said, "i don't know why i'm so upset, i didn't really even like him."

i smiled.

she teared up.

i (internally) reflected that there were a lot of similarities between my friend's father's death and my own father's. except that my father was not really in that ill of health until the medical establishment got ahold of him. her's was. but towards the end, it was some the same. a decision had to be made. it was inevitable. and it was on the way.

once someone asked me if i thought someone's sudden death was worse than a death you can see coming. i've had experience with grieving from both, you know. so i think they thought i'd know. and at the time i said "yeah, i don't know." i didn't know.

but now, i'm inclined to believe that it's almost worse when you know ahead of time. because you think you can prepare yourself. and it's disturbing when you really can't. you feel like a failure or something.

Anyway, I've felt sad all day. Neil young sings in my head.

"Just find someone who's turning....."

I just wish i could.