all i really need is love,

but a little candy now and then, doesn't hurt." charles schultz

so i'd asked 3 of my nieces to come over to swim today. the plans were made while the weather was warm and sunny. but lo and behold, this day turned out to be rainy.

so try to get three siblings of 3 different ages and 3 different temperaments to decide on a plan b. i dare you. it's no easy task. but i wisely decided to just let that be their job, and my part would be the chauffer.

so it was decided. a trip to a "local" candy store. and then off to the movies. and wow, they even jointly decided on a particular movie to see. it was kind of like a mini-miracle. and so we bought the tickets online and then off, we set.

it seemed like it was going to be easy. easy, like taking candy from a baby.

but because being new here, i had no idea how to get to the candy store. and my mapquest directions failed us. siri failed us. the girls' memories failed us. and an hour later and much traffic later, we got to the candy store that was tops 12 miles away from where we started. such is life sometimes. and now i know where a good candy store is.

and, miraculously, we weren't even late for the movie. we even got to see 3 or so previews. and the movie was quite good. a good time was had by all.

and i even have some candy left over. all i really need now is love.

"Parents shouldn't assume children are made out of sugar candy and will break and collapse instantly. Kids don't. We do." Maurice Sendak

the secret to days and nights

i've discovered quite late in life here, that the secret to most things in life is not to ever expect too very much. or anything at all, really. that's best.

nothing.

that's the secret for dealing with bouts of insomnia. to dealing with being alone. to dealing with other people. to just getting through each day. expect nothing and you don't feel disappointment, or disheartenment, or desertion, or disenchantment.

i speak of insomnia. which used to be chronic. and it was often caused by anxiety or anger or worries or sadness about stuff. these days though, it is less frequent, although an occasional visitor. as in tonight. but it's really not because of anxiety or sadness or any other icky anymore. there is really nothing to feel icky about. so, it just is, sometimes. and even while it's not because of some intense worry, it used to be quite annoying to me. until i realized the secret of expecting nothing from it. or rather, expecting nothing of myself, in light of it. if i can't sleep anymore, i just get up and do stuff. whatever there is to do. like organize a drawer or two. or run the dishwasher. or write a letter to someone. or all of the above. really, it's like a crying baby. as annoying as they are, they eventually stop. if you just find something else to occupy your mind.

getting through the day. when you expect nothing from the day, there is no great disappointment when nothing of note happens. when Prince Charming doesn't ride up on his horse. and when you don't win the lottery. and when you don't expect anything nice from anyone, you aren't crushed and defeated when the day ends in stanley fashion. you aren't even mildly dismayed. you're just no worse off than you were before.

anyway, it's 3:39. and i don't expect to sleep at all the rest of the night. "and so, what?" you ask. and i say "nothing. that's what." that's the secret.

when i grow up

all i did was turn on the tv today. and i didn't even turn it on for any particular purpose. just i came home after having coffee with someone, and for some reason i flipped it on. and something really icky was on the channel it turned on to, so i flipped it just once, and it landed on toddlers and tiaras. which is a horrible show depicting a horrid group of people who force their tiny children into high-heeled hairsprayed pagentry. and i was about to flip on to the next bad show.

but sometimes things will catch your ear. and the pageant announcer, in a very serious pageant voice, was announcing this little girl in the 2 and 3 year old division. and he said "when xxxxx (i forget the name) grows up, she either wants to be an octopus or a photographer. no smile. no pause for laughter. not even a quizzical amused look. just that, while the camera panned to a mother shoving a tiny tot towards an x marked on the floor, and an "aunt" stood up in front of the child to demonstrate the semi-pornographic choreography the child was supposed to perform.

and first i laughed. and then i was sad. because i realized that the kind of parent that sprays a glow tan product all over the body of a toddler, or glues false eyelashes on a baby is just not the kind of parent who is going to let his or her child grow up to be an octopus, no matter how much she wants to be one.

progress update

i really can't say it enough. how happy i am that i retired from my old job. chief among the things i do not miss is writing up reports. i can't even tell you how many reports i wrote up between the years of 1979 and 2012. i would venture to say thousands. many thousands.

and that doesn't even count the continual progress reports. which sometimes were very hard to write when you dealt with students who were, in many cases, in physical decline. many times, a child just "standing still" was considered progress, in that there was no decrease in skills. or sometimes progress would be that they didn't decline as much as you thought they would. it was down right hard. being positive when there was really not too very much to be positive about. i had to be rather creative about it at times. and it sort of broke my heart sometimes.

oh but anyway.

tonight's blog is my personal progress report. but since i'm not forced to put it in any particular format or form, i'm just going to list some things towards my goal of being a "better" person. i'm definitely not going to put my accomplisments in quantifiable terms. if i never measure write up anyone's progress in quantifiable terms again, i'll die a happy women.

1. i have been playing my guitar. i'm still really bad, but hey my "ode to joy" and my "brown eyed girl" and my "hey mr. tamborine man" - they are not as horrible as they once were. i have learned notes and strumming patterns.

2. i have been cooking. tonight i made a salmon steak and a wonderful avacado, tomato, and mozzerella salad. it was delicious. i paired them with a delicious crisp white wine.

3. i have moved to a new city and i'm getting along well. i explore. i try to go somewhere new here each week.

4. i have a new job and i think i'm becoming quite decent at it. and the people at work seem to like me.

5. i am developing quite the green thumb. i have 6 very very healthy plants growing on my patio. that i've grown from seeds and had to repot 3 times now, they've grown so much. oh and there is my indoor bamboo plant. it is thriving too.

6. i've finally learned to not hate excel. ok, i still sort of hate it, but i'm minimally proficent at some of it now.

7. i've improved my math skills. really, i have. i have been doing little math practice drills on the computer regularly. and i'm improving.

8. i have decluttered my life,and my apartment could actually be described as clean, neat,and tidy. it's a rare day when i don't make my bed.

9. i've been taking my medicine, and i'm eating breakfast. oh yeah. and drinking water.

10. i'm laughing outloud sometimes, now.

11. i've read 14 books since january. oh, and i've re-read two.

12. i've saved money this year. really. and with a fraction of my old pay.

13. i'm up to running up to two miles again. even while i still really hate running.

14. i've been getting lots more sleep.

speaking of sleep- i should get some. good night.

fakey

when i was in jr. high, the worst thing you could call someone was a fake. and if you were talking about someone who seemed to you, fake, you'd say "they are so fakey."

ah. the irony. because it seems to me that being a grown up is all about being fake. and the fakier you are- the better. smiling when you feel sad. holding in anger. never speaking up about what upsets you. being friendly to people you not only don't like, but actually hate. pretending you are not ever jealous or spiteful or selfish. it almost seems these days, like the worst thing you could possibly be now is genuine.

ah, but there are truly those people in the world who are genuinely nice and good. how they got that way i don't know. they are all sunshine, rainbows, unicorns. or they are all about steven covey or some such.

i guess i wish i could be one of those folk. but i truly don't know how.

the very best i can do is be fake. smile on the outside. churn on the inside.

it might be why i lie awake at night. trying to resolve it all.

that is not to say that i am never happy. actually, despite all and everything, i do again feel quite happy sometimes. really. and i even almost get irritated with people who can't find anything to be happy about. that's how far i've come. amazing huh?

but the truth is, there are lots of times when i either don't really feel the way i act. or even worse? - i don't really feel anything at all. i just know that it's socially appropriate to feel a certain way, so i just act the way i'm supposed to. i don't really know what else to do. i mean, i can't just tell people how i really feel. or that i don't really feel sometimes. what would become of me? i'd be friendless.

so, i was very very tired today. because i was up so very late last night, traveling. and i came home from a few hours of work and had lunch and sat down on the sofa and flipped on the tv. tv is so very vegetative. at one point the Long Island medium came on.

and i have to say "she is rather eerie." my brain tells me she's fake. but then again, seriously, sometimes, she's rather eerie in what she seems to know.

it kind of freaks me out, and i particularly find it disturbing that according to her, our dead loved ones know not only what we've been up to, but also seem to be able to read our minds. and i suppose that's all good and fine, if you are a sunshine, rainbow, unicorn person. but what if you're not? what if you are a complete fake, a good lot of the time? i don't really know how i'm supposed to feel differently than i feel. feelings just are. they aren't molded.

and i mean, what are you going to do when you die then? seriously, i think if my dead loved ones could read my thoughts, there is no way they are going to be meeting and greeting me at the pearly gates. because i'm sure i've disappointed every last one of them, by now. now that they truly know me. i'm really quite sure that not even jesus could love me after reading my thoughts. so how are they going to?

so i was asleep earlier tonight. and now i'm wide awake. i'm awake because i had a nightmare. in my nightmare, my x sister in law- one of my living ones, was choking me. and the crazy part was, that in the dream, i wasn't so upset that she was choking me as that i was upset that she was choking me for a really dumb reason. not because she was legitimately angry with me, but because she was angry about something else that didn't have anything to do with me, some work thing, and she was taking it out on me.

and then (in my dream) i thought "well, oh well. if she could read my thoughts, like my dead sister in law, she'd have reason to choke me."

then i woke up, and now here i am. wondering about being all fakey in front of the dead. wondering if they want to choke me.

no conclusion was reached

today i had discussed a situation with a co-worker and i threw out some thoughts about the situation and what could be done. but i told her that i had not, as yet, discussed it all with our boss.

and so afterwards, she went in to our boss and shared what i had said. the boss responded and seemed to lean towards what i was saying, but also didn't fully decide on it. my co-worker emailed me and concluded with "no conclusion was reached..."

i wrote her back and said that when i die, that is what i'd like put on my gravestone. "no conclusion was reached..."

because don't you think that's perfect for me? not only am i always thinking and re-thinking things, but for the most part, my life seems to have played itself out that way. i mean, now i'm a renter and not a home owner anymore. there was, and is not likely to be a "happily ever after" for me in a relationship. i have part time employment and to afford life and such, i likely will, until i die.

i seem to be retreating backwards or something. but there is really no aspect that is summing itself up into neat tidy conclusion. nothing's really concluding itself. and everything seems temporary.
and just hanging there.

"no conclusion was reached...." that's my life. seemingly.

getting what you give

a happy event has come to pass in my life. my daughter has gotten herself hitched. (-: and to me, it's particularly happy because i have enormous good feelings about her new husband, even while i've only met him in person once, and that was before they began dating. but even while i've not officially met him, he's been particularly thoughtful in sending me pictures and notes (on his own, i might add) and i've skyped with the two of them on a few occasions.

but other than that, you can't really say that i know him, and i can understand anyone looking in from the outside, questioning, "why do you have such a good feeling?"

well, i'll tell you. i learned everything i think i needed to know from an interaction that just happened a few days ago, right before the hitch. and here's how it went-

my daughter called me on skype very late last thursday night (which would have been her friday morning to tell me that sat. (her tomorrow) would be the "Big day." and while she was telling me, i noted that she did not look particularly happy. that made me kind of nervous. i wasn't sure what to think. so i asked her "are you really nervous about this big step?"

and she responded "yes, i am." but she also went on to tell me that they'd had a bit of an argument over something. and she spelled out some details on it all. and she told me of some "he saids" and some "i saids."

and i responded, "well, you know, you might want to think about how what you said might have sounded to him." and i cautioned on the flip side that she might want to consider how things he'd said, weren't perhaps the way he really meant them. when people are in disagreement, they say things, perhaps not as articulately as they want to or wish they would have. i also asked her to think about (in so many words) how they were both "operating" on individual fears right now because of the upcoming "big day" and how this was a very big life change for them both.

and then i went on to say "and you know? neither one of your stances on this issue are right or wrong, but i'm thinking what you need to do is realize that you don't have to decide on what is right for you both, right now. try one way for awhile, and agree that at a future date in time, you'll come back and talk about it. don't set it in stone."

so about the time i get that out of my mouth, her phone rings. and she says "it's him, i'll call you back in a little bit."

so in a little bit, she comes back on the skype, and her whole demeanor is different. there is happieness in her face and in the way she is holding her body. and the first thing she says is "he says "hi" and he says to tell you "thank you for the good advice." and i'm estatic! when i hear this. i think, "thank you buddha for neither one of them seeing my advice as meddling." "but i'm also estatic because i'm thinking "how wonderfully respectful on his part to tell me "thank you." i'm thinking "i LOVE this guy! and i'm feeling really good about my only daughter's upcoming marriage to him. all this flashes through my mind in an instant!

and that's enough. but then it gets even BETTER! because she continues, "and he was calling in the first place to tell me that he'd thought it over a bit and had decided that perhaps i was right in the first place."

and right there, i have to tell you- I AM OVER THE MOON in love with this kid now! why? because i believe he might just be the very first man in the history of the world to admit outloud that he might have been mistaken. and he also might have been the first man in the history of the world to have actually considered that he might be "wrong" in the first place. (-: (-: (-:

bless his heart.

so there's one more thing that my daughter doesn't know. and she'll read about it here. but quite honestly, while i said that i believed there was no right or wrong on this particular issue, and i do believe that; i have to say that, in my mind, he orginally had the idea that i personally, if i were in her shoes,would have liked the best. (-:

funny awesome, huh?

so then later this weekend, i hosted a couple of bestie friends at my apt. who were down here helping me plan for the reception i'm giving for the happy couple when they visit in june. and how in the world i ever got blessed with such great and true friends, i'll really never know. i could not do this without them. that's a truth.

but the one of them has been having a particularly tough time in her life. she is stil grieving her father's death in october, her workload is beyond overload, and her husband just had a serious health scare. financial worries. some other stuff. including, she told me- that i left her to move down here.

and so after the other friend had gone home, she stayed and we talked a bit about how overwhelmed she is. tears appeared quite a few times. it broke my heart because i know she is,and is thought of, as a particularly strong person. she's not a crier. usually she is the strong one. and in fact, that's part of the trouble, she is the one that all are leaning on. even though right now, she needs someone to lean on herself. but right now, it's all too much. and tears spilled out along with her troubles.

so she is a fair amount of younger than me, but we have such similar slants on the world, the age difference doesn't seem to matter to me. i often find her full of good and great advice for me. plus she's fun, and she keeps me young. but what also happens quite often when she talks of her own problems, is that i reflect on events in my own life. seeing things through the events in her life, helps me better understand my own life. and gives me a better grip.

on the other hand, i do not like that she will often call me "yoda" though. as if i am some diminutive little and old, green creature with a serious speech and language issue. but i will "suffer" the title, because it implies that she believes i've been wise on a instance or two.

she told me that she just didn't think she could make it. she told me that she tries to count her very many blessings. she tells me she feels awful because she knows many people have it worse off than she does. she tells me she hates how short she is with her children, and her husband, and even at work.

and i ask her, "well don't you think that this is normal to feel this way right now? don't you realize you that you are still grieving?" and in particular, as she goes through "firsts" in her life without her dad, who was very important to her, that she is regrieving.

i tell her it's a process to grieve. that it takes a long time before you can carry your grief rather than it carrying you. i try to remind her in so many words (without making her feel overloaded) that i need her
and that i appreciate her. i want her to know that there is a reason to hang on, if it ever gets to the point where it all seems too much and it seems there's no escape. i want her to know that i'm here. and will always be here for her, even at the worst of times. and especially at the worst of times.

i hope i conveyed that. i feel like i must have at least come close. as later on she texted me. and thanked me for being yoda.

and she says "i'm so glad you are in my life. i'm not sure what you ever get out of the deal though."

and i answer "well, in this case, i've gotten myself a caterer. but in general, when we go through your life, it helps me understand my own."

and i mean that. as i reflect on the two recent occassions where i've given advice to others, i realize that i have put things more in perspective for myself. and i realize i could be alanis morrisette paraphrasing "i'm the good advice, that i just didn't take...."

"Why won't my arms move?"

"You've been mostly dead all day."

(from the princess bride)

the princess bride has nothing to do with this blog post. my blog post today is simply just about my arms.

there seems to be something wrong with them. but i really can't figure out what exactly.

i've internet searched about my arms a good part of the afternoon; i've visited scores of medical sites; and none of them describe what the heck is going on with my arms. no one else in the history of man seems to have ever had my arm problem. except some of the people with fibromyalgia. they seem to have every symptom of everything known to man though. and i do not have fibromyalgia.

anyway.

i mean, whatever is wrong with them is minor. it's not extremely painful, just sort of a dull soreness of the muscles of my upper arms that's been going on for months and months now. and stiffness, to the point of that i can't achieve my full range of motion, but enough rom for most all activities that i ever seem to need to do. so it's not a big deal. but it's just really wierd.

anyway, my search for the cause of my arm problem was almost fruitless. i say almost, because during the course of my search, I did learn how to make pancakes out of only 1 banana and 2 eggs.

my clippings

so my kindle. you know how much i love it. and one of the things i like about it is that i can highlight passages in books that i like. but you know, i hardly ever go back and look at them.

but here i am looking at them. and i thought i'd share some of them with you.

"the dark bitter smile of one who is without hope"

"you have clearly proved, that ignorance, idleness, and vice, are the proper ingredients for qualifying a legislator"

"i have no pocket money and no pockets, and all the stars are my trinkets."

"the face of your friend may be quite different in the dark."

"Some people charge him with talking around in conversation that God was all goodness and would find a way to save all his poor human children. It was a horrible thing to say."

"What an ass you are!" he said. "Are you so unobservant as not to have found out that sanity and happiness are an impossible combination? No sane man can be happy, for to him life is real, and he seees what a fearful thing it is. Only the mad can be happy, and no many of those."

"The heart breaks when, after having been elated by flattering hopes, it sees all its illusions destroyed."

"ah, sir" replied Caderousse, "we cannot console those who will not be consoled."

"if one's lot is cast among fools, it is necessary to study folly."

"It was like the last feeble echo of a sound made long and long ago."

"Then tell Wind and Fire where to stop," returned madame; "but don't tell me."

"Conceal your wounds when you have any; silence is the last oy of the unhappy."

"I am at the age of extravagant hopes,"

"The truth is rarely pure and never simple."

"Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast."

"You made your false idol of me, and I had not the courage to come down, show you my wounds, tell you my weaknesses. I was afraid that I might lose your love as I have lost it now."

"There was nothing to say to tragedy that had outlived hope."

"We must be so intelligent that he does not suspect us of being intelligent at all."

"only cold paper and dead words."

"No artist desires to prove anything."

"The ugly and the stupid have the best of it in this world."

"The moment was lost in vulgar details."

"There is always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love."

"You could die just the same on a sunny day."

"Successful love may sometimes use the language of flattery, I admit. But hopeless love, dearest, always speaks the truth."

"in considering what Tess was not, he overlooked what she was,"

"Why, you are a man of heart!" "Sometimes," replied Phileas Fogg, quietly; "when i have the time."

"Those were drinking days, and most men drank hard."

"How do you explain him to yourself?"

"he was young, abstract, and therefore cruel,"

"made me cry again, inwardly, - and that is the sharpest crying of all."

"Bygones would never be complete bygones till she was a bygone herself."

"We learn to put our feelings back into ourselves, and to jog on with our duties as patiently as may be. I don't complain of this- I only notice it."

"one can always be kind to people about whom one cares nothing."