the secret to days and nights

i've discovered quite late in life here, that the secret to most things in life is not to ever expect too very much. or anything at all, really. that's best.

nothing.

that's the secret for dealing with bouts of insomnia. to dealing with being alone. to dealing with other people. to just getting through each day. expect nothing and you don't feel disappointment, or disheartenment, or desertion, or disenchantment.

i speak of insomnia. which used to be chronic. and it was often caused by anxiety or anger or worries or sadness about stuff. these days though, it is less frequent, although an occasional visitor. as in tonight. but it's really not because of anxiety or sadness or any other icky anymore. there is really nothing to feel icky about. so, it just is, sometimes. and even while it's not because of some intense worry, it used to be quite annoying to me. until i realized the secret of expecting nothing from it. or rather, expecting nothing of myself, in light of it. if i can't sleep anymore, i just get up and do stuff. whatever there is to do. like organize a drawer or two. or run the dishwasher. or write a letter to someone. or all of the above. really, it's like a crying baby. as annoying as they are, they eventually stop. if you just find something else to occupy your mind.

getting through the day. when you expect nothing from the day, there is no great disappointment when nothing of note happens. when Prince Charming doesn't ride up on his horse. and when you don't win the lottery. and when you don't expect anything nice from anyone, you aren't crushed and defeated when the day ends in stanley fashion. you aren't even mildly dismayed. you're just no worse off than you were before.

anyway, it's 3:39. and i don't expect to sleep at all the rest of the night. "and so, what?" you ask. and i say "nothing. that's what." that's the secret.