getting what you give

a happy event has come to pass in my life. my daughter has gotten herself hitched. (-: and to me, it's particularly happy because i have enormous good feelings about her new husband, even while i've only met him in person once, and that was before they began dating. but even while i've not officially met him, he's been particularly thoughtful in sending me pictures and notes (on his own, i might add) and i've skyped with the two of them on a few occasions.

but other than that, you can't really say that i know him, and i can understand anyone looking in from the outside, questioning, "why do you have such a good feeling?"

well, i'll tell you. i learned everything i think i needed to know from an interaction that just happened a few days ago, right before the hitch. and here's how it went-

my daughter called me on skype very late last thursday night (which would have been her friday morning to tell me that sat. (her tomorrow) would be the "Big day." and while she was telling me, i noted that she did not look particularly happy. that made me kind of nervous. i wasn't sure what to think. so i asked her "are you really nervous about this big step?"

and she responded "yes, i am." but she also went on to tell me that they'd had a bit of an argument over something. and she spelled out some details on it all. and she told me of some "he saids" and some "i saids."

and i responded, "well, you know, you might want to think about how what you said might have sounded to him." and i cautioned on the flip side that she might want to consider how things he'd said, weren't perhaps the way he really meant them. when people are in disagreement, they say things, perhaps not as articulately as they want to or wish they would have. i also asked her to think about (in so many words) how they were both "operating" on individual fears right now because of the upcoming "big day" and how this was a very big life change for them both.

and then i went on to say "and you know? neither one of your stances on this issue are right or wrong, but i'm thinking what you need to do is realize that you don't have to decide on what is right for you both, right now. try one way for awhile, and agree that at a future date in time, you'll come back and talk about it. don't set it in stone."

so about the time i get that out of my mouth, her phone rings. and she says "it's him, i'll call you back in a little bit."

so in a little bit, she comes back on the skype, and her whole demeanor is different. there is happieness in her face and in the way she is holding her body. and the first thing she says is "he says "hi" and he says to tell you "thank you for the good advice." and i'm estatic! when i hear this. i think, "thank you buddha for neither one of them seeing my advice as meddling." "but i'm also estatic because i'm thinking "how wonderfully respectful on his part to tell me "thank you." i'm thinking "i LOVE this guy! and i'm feeling really good about my only daughter's upcoming marriage to him. all this flashes through my mind in an instant!

and that's enough. but then it gets even BETTER! because she continues, "and he was calling in the first place to tell me that he'd thought it over a bit and had decided that perhaps i was right in the first place."

and right there, i have to tell you- I AM OVER THE MOON in love with this kid now! why? because i believe he might just be the very first man in the history of the world to admit outloud that he might have been mistaken. and he also might have been the first man in the history of the world to have actually considered that he might be "wrong" in the first place. (-: (-: (-:

bless his heart.

so there's one more thing that my daughter doesn't know. and she'll read about it here. but quite honestly, while i said that i believed there was no right or wrong on this particular issue, and i do believe that; i have to say that, in my mind, he orginally had the idea that i personally, if i were in her shoes,would have liked the best. (-:

funny awesome, huh?

so then later this weekend, i hosted a couple of bestie friends at my apt. who were down here helping me plan for the reception i'm giving for the happy couple when they visit in june. and how in the world i ever got blessed with such great and true friends, i'll really never know. i could not do this without them. that's a truth.

but the one of them has been having a particularly tough time in her life. she is stil grieving her father's death in october, her workload is beyond overload, and her husband just had a serious health scare. financial worries. some other stuff. including, she told me- that i left her to move down here.

and so after the other friend had gone home, she stayed and we talked a bit about how overwhelmed she is. tears appeared quite a few times. it broke my heart because i know she is,and is thought of, as a particularly strong person. she's not a crier. usually she is the strong one. and in fact, that's part of the trouble, she is the one that all are leaning on. even though right now, she needs someone to lean on herself. but right now, it's all too much. and tears spilled out along with her troubles.

so she is a fair amount of younger than me, but we have such similar slants on the world, the age difference doesn't seem to matter to me. i often find her full of good and great advice for me. plus she's fun, and she keeps me young. but what also happens quite often when she talks of her own problems, is that i reflect on events in my own life. seeing things through the events in her life, helps me better understand my own life. and gives me a better grip.

on the other hand, i do not like that she will often call me "yoda" though. as if i am some diminutive little and old, green creature with a serious speech and language issue. but i will "suffer" the title, because it implies that she believes i've been wise on a instance or two.

she told me that she just didn't think she could make it. she told me that she tries to count her very many blessings. she tells me she feels awful because she knows many people have it worse off than she does. she tells me she hates how short she is with her children, and her husband, and even at work.

and i ask her, "well don't you think that this is normal to feel this way right now? don't you realize you that you are still grieving?" and in particular, as she goes through "firsts" in her life without her dad, who was very important to her, that she is regrieving.

i tell her it's a process to grieve. that it takes a long time before you can carry your grief rather than it carrying you. i try to remind her in so many words (without making her feel overloaded) that i need her
and that i appreciate her. i want her to know that there is a reason to hang on, if it ever gets to the point where it all seems too much and it seems there's no escape. i want her to know that i'm here. and will always be here for her, even at the worst of times. and especially at the worst of times.

i hope i conveyed that. i feel like i must have at least come close. as later on she texted me. and thanked me for being yoda.

and she says "i'm so glad you are in my life. i'm not sure what you ever get out of the deal though."

and i answer "well, in this case, i've gotten myself a caterer. but in general, when we go through your life, it helps me understand my own."

and i mean that. as i reflect on the two recent occassions where i've given advice to others, i realize that i have put things more in perspective for myself. and i realize i could be alanis morrisette paraphrasing "i'm the good advice, that i just didn't take...."