all in a day's work

so i've told you how i like my new job. i get to do something that i think contributes to the world. the hours are great. and i find it interesting, but not very stressful.

and last night, it got really interesting. first i prevented one of our students from going into a diabetic coma. yeah me. then later, i avoided being run down by three police cars heading to the scene of some crime a block away from the inner city center, where i was working. quite exciting, huh?

but here's the thing. while i am jazzed because i like my work, and i feel like it's important- let me tell you what prompted the student to have the diabetic "event." it was her "job" - more or less.

ok, this woman does not have a job. hasn't been able to find one. in these economic times. she is working very hard to get her g.e.d. diploma. hoping this will give her a better chance in the world. in the meantime, she has bills to pay. gas, groceries, rent, utilities. just like the rest of us. she needs to pay her bills. so since she has no job, she has to do what she can to pay those bills. so you know one of the things she does? she sells her plasma.

which is what she did yesterday before she came into class and showed up in front of me. now, i'm not really sure why in the hell they would let a woman with both high blood pressure and diabetes give plasma, but they did. and so there she was suddenly, "melting" right there in front of me. fortunately, before she completely melted, she was able to tell me that she was diabetic and that she had medicine in her purse. we got her that and got her orange juice, and eventually her vision came back, and her color came back, and her coherence came back. and eventually she was ok enough to get home. (and yes, we made sure she got there.)

but before she left and as she was recuperating, i spent some time talking to her about her life. and this is NO joke. this is when she relates to me about her economic circumstances, and how she sells her plasma, in order to make ends meet.

this is not a lazy woman. this is not an irresponsible woman. this is not a stupid woman. this is a woman in dire straights. and in ill health, who was born into bad circumstances.

and giving plasma to her is - all in a day's work.

the most interesting thing i've read today

It's this... http://www.salon.com/2013/07/23/rejection_is_more_powerful_than_you_think/


this lends perspective to why it was especially hard for me to deal with the complete rejection of someone who i erroneously believed loved me and rejected me for reasons that weren't even true. just what he thought to be true.

and saying this is not meant to be more whining after all this time, BUT i also read recently about how each time you tell the story of something that happens to you, the more it becomes just a story of something that happened and less of you still living it.

yes. i'm STILL trying to heal. sue me.

it's just that in all other ways these days, i'm pretty darn happy. but if you bring up this subject and this person, i still feel a searing sense of sadness laced with white-hot intense anger. so while it's not helpful for my composure to talk outloud about it now, it is helpful for my sense of well being for me to express it outloud here sometimes.

anyway, i thought this article quite interesting. it makes me feel less like a complete wimp.

waving at saturn

yesterday i saw a picture of people who got together to have their pictures taken, waving at saturn.

unfortunately, i didn't have time to read why they were waving at saturn. i suppose it was some sort of whimsical thing.

in a minute, i will google for the reason, and then i'll know what the point of it was. but for just now i'm going to remain ignorant.

i'm wondering...

will people get together to wave at the other planets? will pluto, the ex planet, be sad that no one is waving at it? what about the sun and the moon? will people wave at them too? what about stars? shouldn't we also wave at stars?

will there be gatherings to wave at other things? like trees. or sand dunes? or islands?

don't we usually just wave at other people? ok, i admit it, i have a time or two waved at dogs that i've owned. but i just can't think of any other things or creatures that i've waved at.

maybe when i was a little kid, i used to wave at planes. but i think even then i had the vaguest sense that i was waving at the pilot or the people in the plane, and not actually at the plane itself. maybe not. kids are just goofy enough to wave at planes. and i was a real goofy kid.

anyway. for the moment, it's a mystery to me- why people were waving at saturn.

ah. nothing.

i had plans to go out tonight. actually, i had plans to go out tomorrow night, but i overbooked myself. so i switched one of my plans to tonight. and then suddenly this afternoon i got a text and the person i was supposed to hang out with told me she was not feeling well. and you know what i felt? relieved! to have an evening to myself to do ... nothing.

i was relieved. i've worked every night this week and will be busy all weekend and have to work 3 or 4 nights next week. and quite frankly, that's too much for me.

i read somewhere that the major difference between an introverted person and an extroverted person is that an extrovert is energized by social contact while an introvert is drained by social contacts. and they need alone time to recharge.

i never read anything more true. because while i do sincerely like (some) people, and for the most part, i like being busy, being around people too much wears me the heck out. and i tend to prefer being with people who do not demand that i am "on"- they just let me be. my best friends

it's ironic that i was a teacher. because teachers pretty much have to be "on" from the moment they arrive at work until the last kid and staff member goes home. it was exhausting to me, even while i enjoyed it. i liked it best when i could facilitate rather than "perform." facilitating- "hey, what happens when you....?" than when i had to "teach" or "perform" or be "on."

according to my personality survey. i am an intj type personality. the i stands for the introvert. very few women are intj's. something like .03 or .02 of us. and the personality profiles say while we tend to be like architects; we can be leaders, but we tend to be quite happy to let other people run the show, until we realize that if we let them, things will get screwed up. and yeah. that's definitely me.

anyway. yeah tonight! nothing. and little i me can soak up energy to be ready to be social this weekend. ah. nothing.

multi-sucking

it used to be my life. it was horrid. and now npr says that multi-tasking is bad. and that it makes you a crazed person. and that no one is really very good at it anyway.

and so i will just stop right now and do nothing else but say how happy i am, that in my new life, i rarely have to multi-task. it is a wonderful luxury to be able to do but one thing at a time.

one. thing. at. a. time. it. is. nice. and i feel so much better.

fear does not make right. it should not make might.

yeah. so i will be the 7 billionth person to make a comment about the george zimmerman verdict. it was disgusting. and i'm not really sure how the jury members will be able to sleep at night ever again. i say i don't know how, but i also know they will. i know that they, in their minds, believe their decision was right, and they, in their minds, understood george zimmerman's fear of a skittles-weilding black kid in a neighborhood, where he didn't, in george zimmerman's mind, belong.

and since they believe they were right, they will be able to sleep.

but how how awful is it that they believe they were right? the racism here is so thick you could cut it with a knife. it's almost a bigger racism than george zimmerman's- in that george zimmerman at least was "in the heat of a moment." they were not. they were sitting in complete safety and comfort in an air conditioned courtroom. there was no inkling of a reason for them to feel george zimmerman's alleged fear. but they did. and that's how deep below the skin surface the racism in this country is.

just the fact that we even have a stand your ground rule is a horrible thing, i think. and very likely has it's roots in fear. and racism is a fuel for fear. and fear, a fuel for racism. i mean, i can understand the idea that if someone is actually attacking you, you have the right to fight back. but if someone is NOT attacking you, adn you only percieve that someone is or will, then really you should have no right to an attack or a chase based on your fears.

and what kind of an attack does it have to be? i feared once that a boss was threatening me. it threatened my family's livelihood- (actually it was true.) did that give me the right to go after her? a guy dumped me once, because of a mistaken belief on his part. it hurt me more than anything ever had. it threatened my very life, i felt so suicidal. it certainly felt like an attack of my nervous system. does that give me the right to hurt him back? or to try to destroy his life?

the problem is partly that perception is not always reality. and we can't live in an "eye for a percieved eye" world. and even when reality is the perception, please, we can't live (we can't all survive) in "an eye for an eye" world.

we need a justice system. not a vigilante system. and not a Wild West system.

i read a short story once about a one death wish rule. the people in the story were given one free pass to kill whomever they wanted to kill with no consequences guaranteed here or in the here-after. and the story gave me some pause, because quite actually there is someone i would kill if i knew there would never be any consequences. it makes me shudder, thinking that i would. if i could. how horrible is it to know this about yourself? what's interesting though, is that it never gave me any pause to think about how a rule like that would also give someone else a free pass to kill me if they hated me or feared me. and wanted me dead. i never thought about that. maybe because i know that the only person who has ever hated me that much now hates me much more- hates me to the point that he doesn't think about me one way or another. i'm not a person he wants to kill, i'm worse- i am nobody. so i don't feel worried that someone will come after me.

but what if you're a person or among a group of people who are feared so immensely, that people have worked up a hatred for you? and through that hatred, they've worked up an even greater fear of you? or anyone that looked like you. what if?

there used to be a guy who lived in my hometown. who, very likely, was schizophrenic. i can't say for sure, as i didn't have access to a diagnosis. all i know is that everyone believed he was crazy. he stood out, in that he was always alone and he was either staring some blank stare or he was staring menacingly at others and mumbling stuff to himself. sometimes he's shout out some declaration of something or other. he wore big baggy lumpy clothes even in the dead of summer. if anyone ever ventured to actually talk to him, he more or less snarled at them. so,i, myself, believed he was crazy, and i often wondered why in the hell his family didn't find some safe supervision for him. i remember thinking that if i had a child (even if he was an adult) i would never allow him to be unsupervised. maybe that's a violation of a mentally ill person's rights, but i also believe that if you are a caretaker for someone with a mental illness, you have to consider the safety of others. anyway i had a fear of him and what he might do, to the point that i turned my children away from a local ice cream stand once, and directed us to another, because i saw him come in the door. when my then husband asked me why; i said, "i just don't want our children to be there when he decides to take out the village."

turns out later, he hung himself. and i remember thinking "thank god, he took that way. instead of taking others with him." and maybe that's a very callous thought. he was someone's child after all. but still that was how great my percieved fear of him was. i was glad when he was dead and gone and hadn't hurt anyone else in the process.

but here's the thing- while i was afraid of him, and i did percieve him as a threat to others where-ever he was, whether he was packing skittles or not, i also never felt that it was my right to take him or any other mentally ill person out of this world. i never felt it was my right to stand my ground in the ice cream store. no matter how much fear i had of him. i felt i had an obligation to keep my kids safe and leave the ground, but i didn't feel a justification to stand our ground.

one more story. one time my grandson was with his mother in a local shopping center. i believe he was all of 4 or 5 years old. and he wasn't doing anything. just standign by his mother. suddenly a person who was on a group home (for cognitively disabled) outing to the store, came after him and hit him. walloped him. for no good reason whatsoever. seems to me in a stand your ground kind of situation, it would have been well within my daughter in law's rights to strike back at this person, who hurt her child. it seems with a stand your ground rule, it would have been within her rights to kill the person. and it seems to me that it would now still be within her rights to have such a percieved fear of anyone who looks cognitively challenged, that she could take out any mentally challenged person she ever encountered.

after all, all you have to do now is percieve the fear, and it is justfiable in a court of law to take the law into your own hands. it's disgusting.

people i don't like and people i like

i don't like people who are negative.

i don't like people who are super positive.

i don't like people who are too enthusiastic.

i don't like people who are too trendy.

i don't like people who are set in their ways.

i don't like people who worry too much about fitness and health.

i don't like people who are slovenly.

i don't like people who try to be clever.

i don't like people who are loud or swear a lot.

i don't like people who won't listen.

i don't like people who bore me.

i don't like people who think they are funny or witty.

i don't like people who never get angry.

i don't like people who are competitive.

i do like people who are genuinely funny.

i do like people who are honest.

i like people who are self-effacing.

i like people who smile real smiles.

i like people who read a lot.

i like people who don't make you guess all the time.

i like people who make mistakes and apologize.

i like people who are quiet most of the time.

i like people who are not defensive.

i like people who are patient.

i like people who do not jump to conclusions.

i like people who are kind.

i like people who reconsider.

Here comes the

Sun flower.

surviving the trip

i'm in my car. and i'm listening to "tell me more" on npr. and they are talking to an anthropologist who has done a study of the "artifacts" left by illegal immigrants from mexico over the course of a number of years. and at the end of the interview, the guy says that the trends in artifacts show that illegal immigrants are more focussed now on surviving the trip than they used to be.

and i don't know why, but this strikes me both funny and sad. i guess earlier ii's were less concerned with the details and more concerned with the prize of a paying job. i guess just figuring that it's enough to just want it. nowadays, they are more savvy. they seem to realize that if they don't pay attention to the details, they are never likely to attain the prize. 1st step- survival.

ain't it so? and ain't it sad kinda?

i don't know why people are so hostile to illegal immigrants. i mean "wth?" it's not really like they are taking the jobs that any of us want in the first place. and as for learning our language, does that matter really? and to whom? as for using our social services, i don't know- isn't the whole idea of social services supposed to be that they are supposed to help people?

i suppose the rub is that they don't pay taxes for those services. well how about we just ask them to? make that a stipulation of their working here? if they make a dollar, have them fork over 5 cents. seriously, how hard would that be? i say, "open the borders and put tollbooths there. as they come in, have them pay a small toll to the troll." hire lots of trolls. that would give americans jobs too, wouldn't it?

have food and water and lodging stations set up. travel plazas of a sort. wouldn't that also create more jobs for americans too?

i think the whole problem is with the undocumentedness of it all. well that seems to me more of a problem with the employers than the employees. why aren't businesses required to document their jobs and who they are hiring to? why not prosecute those guys, if you gotta prosecute someone?

i don't know, i guess, i just can't begrudge anyone the ability to survive and make a living because of an accident of the location of their birth.

i don't know- really- aren't we all just trying to survive the trip, no matter what language we speak? seems like we could just help each other.

well, she was an american girl...

raised on promises....

as opposed to what tom petty sings, sometimes it's not a great big world, it's a rather small one.

so i found myself without plans for the big american holiday here and i called up a fellow "ex-pat" from my hometown and asked her if she was busy. she answered "no, let's do something."

so we went downtown and had dinner and afterwards went to the restaurant's ajoining beer garden to sample some live music. and i should note that this fellow ex-pat was besties with one of the new besties of one of my besties from work. but she also is the sister of a girl that my brother took to the high school prom back in the day.

small creepy world. but it get's even sadder. just before we were going out, i get a text from her hometown bestie telling me "i don't know if you know it or not, but it is exactly one year to the day that xxx lost her s.o.

and yeah, i knew it was close to that anniversary, but i didn't know how exactly close. and so i was a bit trepidatious. as well as being a bit shy about that i don't really know this girl real well in the first place, even while we grew up literally within 2 blocks of each other. who the hell knew how the evening was going to go?

anyway, we met for dinner first and we got along swimmingly. found out we shared a great many things in common that we didn't know we did. we shared taht we had always both been haters of the 4th of july. and she shared with me that it was the anniversary of the death of her s.o. i just said "yeah, i was thinking that it was, you ok?"

and she says "yeah. i really think i am. i just needed to hang with someone who isn't going to make me talk about it. i am just so glad you called."

then she says "you know the last time i think i saw you?" and i asked "when?" and she says "we were at a football game and you were with that guy...."

and i thought "oh crap." and i told her "you know what? i don't want to talk about him either."

we laughed. and shoved the past away. behind our laughs.


and then, after dinner, when we went to sample the band playing outside, prelude to the fireworks, and things got really strange. the place was crowded. and on first glance we thought we were the oldest people there. but soon we found a whole section of us "old folk." and somehow we got talking to a guy named ed. who it turns out is besties with the hometown bestie of my very own brother. and seriously, he had the pictures on his cell to prove it.

so this guy is an engineer. my brother's bestie is a doctor. and my brother is a lawyer. and it's all just kinda wierd. we all talk about our jobs and where we all went to college. and how in the hell we all landed here.

and ed seems quite surprised that i had spent all of my life until the last year in the same small town. he says "really, i can't believe it. i saw the two of you walk in here and i thought to myself right away when i saw you that you must be from a big city. New York or somewhere. the way you carry yourself, your demeanor, your self confidence. i thought right away you were way out of my league. you walked in like you owned the place"

so maybe that's a line. but it's funny as hell to me. because i'm not out of anyone's league, really. i AM a country mouse. from the small town.

so after the music and the fireworks, my fellow ex-pat and i are leaving. we decided we had a good time and made plans to get together next week. and she thanks me for making tonight a good night for her. when it could have been an awful anniversary night. and on the traffic jammed ride home, i reflected to myself, how wierdly enjoyable the evening was. to be with an old new friend. to meet a wierd guy named ed who thought i was a big city girl. it all felt so wierdly independent or something. independence dayish.

and in keeping with the america theme of the evening, i turn on the radio and there is tom petty singing "well, she was an american girl. raised on promises..."

and i thought how true that was for me and my friend. we'd both been brought up in a small little town where you are raised to believe in the promise that you'll end up happily ever after.

and then somehow you don't. but you realize you're going to be ok anyway, probably.

well, she was an american girl....

buttercup- one lucky duck

so the best of the internet today brings us buttercup, the duck, who was born with the backward foot.

quite a story i think. that a duck is born with a backwards foot. and someone is surgically attaching for him a new forward foot.

but that wasn't the story. the story was that his new foot was brought about by 3D printing.

i'm not all that sure i understand what is so miraculous about being able to print "things."

i'm only sorry that i didn't think of marketing that. because it's really to me, rather a simple concept. in fact i used to do it all the time. i used to print off copies of things like the pattern for cubes on cardstock. and then i'd cut the patterns out and fold them together to make "dice" for games. stuff like that. so printing more complicated things on more complicated materials to assemble, doesn't really seem like all that big of a deal to me.

anyway, don't you think that a duck who was born with a backward foot might be lucky enough to have found a human who could replace his foot, and THAT would be the big story, without the so-called miracle of his foot being a printed foot?

anyway. buttercup. one lucky duck.