when bad things happen to good people

the actual title to this post is" when bad things happen to good people, when good things happen to good people, when bad things happen to bad people and when good things happen to bad people.

i actually did read the book "when bad things happen to good people." because until i settled on my lack of religious beliefs, it really did upset me when bad things would happen to good people. quite honestly, i just could not get that my x sister in law who really was maybe the nicest person in the world, could get cancer and die and have to leave her little three year old twins. i mean, is that not the definition of UNFAIR? it was like a puzzle with impossible pieces that wouldn't fit, no matter how you tried to force them- trying to figure out how this could have happened. she did not deserve this. her family did not deserve this. her children most certainly did not deserve this.

and it started me thinking a lot, a lot, a lot, about how unfair the world was to MOST people in the world. murder, abuse, rape, hunger, cancer, violence, greed, corruption. whose life hasn't been touched by at least one of these to at least a little degree? but worse than that, how many people in the world live their lives from start to finish in horrible conditions? it's really staggering when you think of it. and i guess, when my sister in law died, it started me thinking of it. up to then, i'd pretty much had faith, that if you were good, tried hard, and prayed hard, things would work out for you.

how silly i was. anyway, so for awhile after she died, i think i was in too much shock to really think too much about it, but after about 6 months, it really really hit me. i don't know. maybe it was the holidays that coincided. i don't know. but all i do know was that it hit me. and that's when i started thinking. about how unfair it all was.

so, what i came up with is this. that what happens to you in this world is a badly rigged against you, crapshoot. there isn't rhyme. or reason. and there isn't any magic of any kind that can alter events in your favor. not magic. not belief. not nothing.

and whether you are good or bad or in between, good, bad, or in between things can and will happen to you. and really, all you can do is decide who you want to be. do you want to be a good guy or a bad guy?

i don't know why i chose to be good. i think because all the people i really liked are good people. people that are forgiving and who try to help you, instead of ditching you. and who aren't hateful. those are the people that i like. but it was no longer because i feared any sense of retribution from some diety if i was bad or could expect good things if i was good. and it also wasn't because i feared imprisonment or anything. i just up and decided that who i wanted to be was good. because i like the people who are good.

and that's a good thing for the world, i think. in that there are at least of couple of people, i could gladly kill if i wanted to be a bad person. and there are quite a few more that i would stick pins in, voodoo style if i followed my feelings and believed in such things. what i'm saying is that i could be really really bad, if i let myself. but i don't want to be.

you know, i haven't talked much about my mother on here. and that's because we are such very different people and i often do not know how to deal with her. just as i know she does not know how to deal with me. but one thing i do know is that she's a really good person. her heart is good, i mean. she makes me crazy often, but she's a really good person. and she hasn't deserved a lot of the crap that has happened to her. she certainly didn't deserve to have to spend her retirement years alone without my dad, i know that. but she confounds me sometimes with the way she thinks about things. and i often think she's just plain wrong.

but i'll tell you one time, when she completely nailed it. i remember the moment vividly. she stopped by my house just after i was ditched. just after. and i was sitting there alone. and it was one of those horrible moments when i could not hide my tears, which i always like to do if possible. and i could barely speak. and when she askeed me what was wrong, i somehow got out "xxxx just broke up with me." and without hearing anything else, or knowing anythng about it, she said this. "This is NOT your fault."

how the hell she ever thought to say that to me astounds me to this day. because she knew nothing about what happened. she also had never ever said this or conveyed this to me about absolutely anything else in my life. in everything else, she'd always pretty much taken the stance that whatever it was, was my fault. that's how i always felt anyway. and for her to say this to me at this particular time, was striking.

because you know? i wouldn't believe her for a full 10 years. i always have blamed myself. always. but the funny thing is- now i do believe her finally. i really do. it was not my fault. it was just stupid, really. and whether i was or am a good person or a bad person, had nothing to do with it at all.

and in the end, all i could really do is decide who i want to be. whether good things or bad things happen to me from here on out.