i volunteered my time tonight to help a co-worker learn our new system. and i realize that people just plain hate change. and that i was the messenger of that change. but i was very taken aback by how not very nice to me that she was.
but in my head, i kept regrouping, and i'd smile and try again to help her understand how to do things and patiently answer her rather hostile-toned questions. i tried really hard to understand that when i would furrow my brow to think, she thought i was frowning at her. so i'd smile more. i praised her whenever she did things right and tried to very gently steer her when she didn't.
but still she was nasty.
anyway, the night went on and on. and never really got any better. i felt completely defeated. and so then one of our other co-workers who'd been listening pulled me aside and told me not to take it personally, that this woman was always negative. and that she was being really rude, considering all i was doing was trying to help her. on my own time, to boot.
so that made me feel better.
but you know? it might be awhile before i try to be helpful again. i don't really like being punished for my good deeds.
but the other thing the experience taught me is that i will try really hard not to be negative to other people when they are trying to help me.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Friday, July 18, 2014
role reversal
so, i sent my friend a short note telling her that i'd been to visit one of my former students before she died. this student is now a young adult and she and her family have struggled with her health issues all her life, but most intensely in the last year or so. and now, she's been sent home to die. and her mother had me contacted to let me know and i asked for the privilege of intruding on their intensely personal family time to come visit with her.
her home health care nurse (and my friend) called me on Thursday morning and woke me up to tell me that when they'd asked my student if she wanted me to visit, that she'd burst into smiles and indicated with her limited motor ability, "yes!" she'd like me to come. (later they showed me the pics of this moment.)
so, after work Thursday morning, i set out to drive back up north and go visit with her. and it was the most bittersweet of visits. she and her family were clearly glad to see me, and we sat out in the warm sunshine of their backyard, reminiscing about the good old days. Catching up on the new days. we spoke of the immediate days to come. the mother shared that they felt blessed to have these last days to say good bye. she reminded me how cruel it had been for the family of another one of my students, who died in surgery. suddenly, shockingly. with no warning. this grieving mother said, "so, this is so much better."
i didn't want to stay too long. she was clearly fatiqued. her eye lids, at intervals, slowing shutting, then shuttering open to allow her quick looks around at all of us who'd gathered, then slowly shutting again. her skin was cold, not cool, to the touch, even in the warmth of the sun. and the smiles. the peaceful, sweet smiles, in between. they are a vision, i won't likely ever forget. i close my eyes now and i can see those smiles as clearly as if i was still there. there she was, making dying look easy. dreamy. peaceful. and the calm emanating from her had a magical effect on all of us. we became calm too.
but sad. so very sad. and so when i got home late last night, i wrote my friend and told her that i'd visited with my student. to see her one last time. i told her how sweet the visit was. she answered. "i hope you won't go to the funeral. you need to have good memories of at least one of your students."
and she's referring to the fact, that i worked with the most medically fragile of our school population. A great many of my students, lost their battles and struggles to live over the course of my career. you'd think i'd be used to it. but i'm not.
and i still have the great urge (if i ever see him again) to punch the man who told me once that he didn't believe that any one of their deaths should have such an effect on me, since after all, his sister was a nurse and she saw dying people all the time. and she didn't crack up.
really? REALLY??? REALLY???? like the death of some relative strangers who come into your hospital or whereever would have the same effect on you as the death of a child, who you had a many yeared relationship with starting when they were three and ending when... ? Who you spent countless hours working with and on their behalf. often at the cost of your own family. and your own self. Whose families invited you in to their homes and shared their hopes, dreams, and worst fears with? and multiply that by 10. plus the recent death of your sister in law, who was the closest to a real sister as you'll ever get.
so. really? REALLY? REALLY???
as i said, i STILL want to punch him for his insensitivity. and that was YEARS ago. really, i'd like to do more than punch him for dumping me when i needed him most. because i expressed a little pain and grief. inarticulately.
and i think about him and all these things, and i lose my calm. so i close my eyes again. to picture those sleepy, drowsy, calm, peaceful smiles i saw yesterday.
i answer my friend. i say, "sometimes, i feel like the teacher of death."
she answers me back and says, "u r. but i think it's a good job for u."
i don't know exactly what she means by that. i'm supposing that she means i'm good at comforting people. (although, clearly, not myself.) or more likely she's just trying to be funny. and make me laugh by summoning up a picture of the grim reaper with an apple in her hand. but, i don't know.
all i know is that it doesn't ever seem to get any easier. and i believe i will choose at this point to quit being the teacher. and try instead to be the student. and let my former student teach me. how to deal with all this gracefully. and calmly.
i'll start by closing my eyes.
her home health care nurse (and my friend) called me on Thursday morning and woke me up to tell me that when they'd asked my student if she wanted me to visit, that she'd burst into smiles and indicated with her limited motor ability, "yes!" she'd like me to come. (later they showed me the pics of this moment.)
so, after work Thursday morning, i set out to drive back up north and go visit with her. and it was the most bittersweet of visits. she and her family were clearly glad to see me, and we sat out in the warm sunshine of their backyard, reminiscing about the good old days. Catching up on the new days. we spoke of the immediate days to come. the mother shared that they felt blessed to have these last days to say good bye. she reminded me how cruel it had been for the family of another one of my students, who died in surgery. suddenly, shockingly. with no warning. this grieving mother said, "so, this is so much better."
i didn't want to stay too long. she was clearly fatiqued. her eye lids, at intervals, slowing shutting, then shuttering open to allow her quick looks around at all of us who'd gathered, then slowly shutting again. her skin was cold, not cool, to the touch, even in the warmth of the sun. and the smiles. the peaceful, sweet smiles, in between. they are a vision, i won't likely ever forget. i close my eyes now and i can see those smiles as clearly as if i was still there. there she was, making dying look easy. dreamy. peaceful. and the calm emanating from her had a magical effect on all of us. we became calm too.
but sad. so very sad. and so when i got home late last night, i wrote my friend and told her that i'd visited with my student. to see her one last time. i told her how sweet the visit was. she answered. "i hope you won't go to the funeral. you need to have good memories of at least one of your students."
and she's referring to the fact, that i worked with the most medically fragile of our school population. A great many of my students, lost their battles and struggles to live over the course of my career. you'd think i'd be used to it. but i'm not.
and i still have the great urge (if i ever see him again) to punch the man who told me once that he didn't believe that any one of their deaths should have such an effect on me, since after all, his sister was a nurse and she saw dying people all the time. and she didn't crack up.
really? REALLY??? REALLY???? like the death of some relative strangers who come into your hospital or whereever would have the same effect on you as the death of a child, who you had a many yeared relationship with starting when they were three and ending when... ? Who you spent countless hours working with and on their behalf. often at the cost of your own family. and your own self. Whose families invited you in to their homes and shared their hopes, dreams, and worst fears with? and multiply that by 10. plus the recent death of your sister in law, who was the closest to a real sister as you'll ever get.
so. really? REALLY? REALLY???
as i said, i STILL want to punch him for his insensitivity. and that was YEARS ago. really, i'd like to do more than punch him for dumping me when i needed him most. because i expressed a little pain and grief. inarticulately.
and i think about him and all these things, and i lose my calm. so i close my eyes again. to picture those sleepy, drowsy, calm, peaceful smiles i saw yesterday.
i answer my friend. i say, "sometimes, i feel like the teacher of death."
she answers me back and says, "u r. but i think it's a good job for u."
i don't know exactly what she means by that. i'm supposing that she means i'm good at comforting people. (although, clearly, not myself.) or more likely she's just trying to be funny. and make me laugh by summoning up a picture of the grim reaper with an apple in her hand. but, i don't know.
all i know is that it doesn't ever seem to get any easier. and i believe i will choose at this point to quit being the teacher. and try instead to be the student. and let my former student teach me. how to deal with all this gracefully. and calmly.
i'll start by closing my eyes.
Wednesday, July 16, 2014
too much.
so my bestie from college took some days off from her hectic work and she came to visit me. just to get away from it all for a bit. i was happy. she was to arrive on sunday afternoon. on friday evening i got a text from one of my co-workers telling me the timeline on something had been moved up. I wasn't too upset or worried about it, as I had a handle on what needed to be done to get it going and i knew it was doable. it did involve a bit of work though, that i'd sort of put off, because they'd not given us all the tools we needed to complete the project until just last week.
but i had plans for friday night and for saturday and so i decided to set aside time to do that on Sunday morning before my friend arrived. Well, first i didn't get up until 10. then i had some other things i needed to do and so i didn't get started until noon. which was fine, especially since my friend texted and said she wouldn't be here until 4 or so and that she'd text me when she got here so i could let her in. i settled in to work. and work i did. i worked with only breaks to go to the bathroom for 5 hours. i was really focused.
which wouldn't have been a problem, except for i was concentrating so hard and not paying attention to the time at all and my phone was set on vibrate but sitting away from me on the sofa, where the vibrations wouldn't make much noise. plus, you might recall that i don't hear well.
so my friend did get here about 4 and she texted me. i did not answer. she decided maybe i was out on my bike or possibly napping and so she decided to take a walk. well, she walked and she repeatedly called and texted me for 45 minutes. i heard none of the texts and none of her phone calls. i was working and i was focused.
so then from walking, she was hot and she got in her car and turned on the air conditioning and texted another friend of ours to see if she knew where i was. she didn't hear back from her. she was out on a bike ride. so then she called her husband. and told him that she didn't know what to do. and that she was afraid that i was inside and had had a heart attack or maybe fallen and hit my head or something awful. she started crying.
while she was talking to him, i got to a stopping place and went to my phone where i read the last of many texts to me which said, "xxxxx, call me PLEASE, you are scaring me." right away i called her without listening to the voicemails or reading the other texts and asked her, "what the hell? what's the matter?"
well by this time, she's so upset and worried and crying so i can just barely understand her saying that she's down in the parking lot in her car. i run down the stairs and out the door, where i find her, in fact, in tears. i hug her and then proceed to help her bring her stuff in while she explains how she's spent the last hour and her fears that i was hurt or ill or dead. and then she said, "i need a drink."
so i got her that drink. and then another. and i feel just awful for how i made her feel. but we drink and she calms down and i tell myself, "well at least she cares about me." so then we decided to go out to eat before going to see a late movie. so we go to eat and as we were finishing our meal, i got a phone call telling me that one of my former students was in very bad shape and in fact had been sent home to die. her mother wanted me contacted.
so yeah, i'm rattled. but after the email and immediately, there is nothing i can do. so i put down my phone and we proceed to go to the movie theatre. so this is one of those nice movie theaters where you can drink. and we get a couple glasses of wine and we sit in our seats and i reach in my purse to turn off my phone ringer. but my phone's not there. so my friend calls my phone and the people at the restaurant answer it. they tell us they are only open for another 45 minutes. the movie starts in 15 minutes, so i ask my friend if i can take her car and go get it so she can stay there and won't miss any of the movie. she agrees and hands me the keys.
so i go out to her car and here's the really stupid part. i do not know how to start it. because it's a new car that doesn't use the key. so there is a place to put in the key and i do that, then i see a start button which i push. i see a lovely visual of what's behind me, and i put the car in reverse to back out of the parking space and nothing. the screen says something about the brake and i don't understand what that means so i think "maybe the emergency brake is on. i push on that. i try several other things and give up, resigned to go in and tell my friend, i'm too stupid to drive her car.
so i do that. and she laughs and says, "i'll go get your phone, you stay here." so she goes and since i have put on the emergency brake, she doesn't know how to take it off because she's never used it before. after a while though she does get it figured out, goes to get my phone and gets back only missing about 30 seconds of the movie. whew.
so after the movie, we laugh and laugh and laugh. i tell her that i'm really sorry for making her mini-vacation from work a living hell so far. we laugh and laugh some more.
and the rest of her visit is in fact delightful. however after she left today, i was just settling down trying to process the bad news i got and figuring out to go visit her before she dies. and i get a text from my co-worker again and she's very upset because she's gotten another message about our project and it wasn't very nice. (and now mind you, the last two days we've been off.) so i listen to her and i tell her, that it's really all good and that our boss has simply misunderstood some circumstances. i tell her to answer him and to reassure him, that in fact, all is well. i get off the phone and i write up some more stuff. that really could have waited until tomorrow but since he was all hyper, i decided to just get it done tonight.
and in between i'm emailing back and forth about my student. and i'm thinking. i have not had time to process this. not one moment. i can't process it because i just haven't had time because of work and company and stupid things.
and i thought how much my life used to be like this almost all the time. and how i'm SO glad that for the most part it's not anymore. because i gotta tell you. it's too overwhelming for me. and not that i'm not glad for my friend's visit, i really was, and am. but sometimes too much is just too much. and i'm glad that most of the time anymore, my life is not too much.
but i had plans for friday night and for saturday and so i decided to set aside time to do that on Sunday morning before my friend arrived. Well, first i didn't get up until 10. then i had some other things i needed to do and so i didn't get started until noon. which was fine, especially since my friend texted and said she wouldn't be here until 4 or so and that she'd text me when she got here so i could let her in. i settled in to work. and work i did. i worked with only breaks to go to the bathroom for 5 hours. i was really focused.
which wouldn't have been a problem, except for i was concentrating so hard and not paying attention to the time at all and my phone was set on vibrate but sitting away from me on the sofa, where the vibrations wouldn't make much noise. plus, you might recall that i don't hear well.
so my friend did get here about 4 and she texted me. i did not answer. she decided maybe i was out on my bike or possibly napping and so she decided to take a walk. well, she walked and she repeatedly called and texted me for 45 minutes. i heard none of the texts and none of her phone calls. i was working and i was focused.
so then from walking, she was hot and she got in her car and turned on the air conditioning and texted another friend of ours to see if she knew where i was. she didn't hear back from her. she was out on a bike ride. so then she called her husband. and told him that she didn't know what to do. and that she was afraid that i was inside and had had a heart attack or maybe fallen and hit my head or something awful. she started crying.
while she was talking to him, i got to a stopping place and went to my phone where i read the last of many texts to me which said, "xxxxx, call me PLEASE, you are scaring me." right away i called her without listening to the voicemails or reading the other texts and asked her, "what the hell? what's the matter?"
well by this time, she's so upset and worried and crying so i can just barely understand her saying that she's down in the parking lot in her car. i run down the stairs and out the door, where i find her, in fact, in tears. i hug her and then proceed to help her bring her stuff in while she explains how she's spent the last hour and her fears that i was hurt or ill or dead. and then she said, "i need a drink."
so i got her that drink. and then another. and i feel just awful for how i made her feel. but we drink and she calms down and i tell myself, "well at least she cares about me." so then we decided to go out to eat before going to see a late movie. so we go to eat and as we were finishing our meal, i got a phone call telling me that one of my former students was in very bad shape and in fact had been sent home to die. her mother wanted me contacted.
so yeah, i'm rattled. but after the email and immediately, there is nothing i can do. so i put down my phone and we proceed to go to the movie theatre. so this is one of those nice movie theaters where you can drink. and we get a couple glasses of wine and we sit in our seats and i reach in my purse to turn off my phone ringer. but my phone's not there. so my friend calls my phone and the people at the restaurant answer it. they tell us they are only open for another 45 minutes. the movie starts in 15 minutes, so i ask my friend if i can take her car and go get it so she can stay there and won't miss any of the movie. she agrees and hands me the keys.
so i go out to her car and here's the really stupid part. i do not know how to start it. because it's a new car that doesn't use the key. so there is a place to put in the key and i do that, then i see a start button which i push. i see a lovely visual of what's behind me, and i put the car in reverse to back out of the parking space and nothing. the screen says something about the brake and i don't understand what that means so i think "maybe the emergency brake is on. i push on that. i try several other things and give up, resigned to go in and tell my friend, i'm too stupid to drive her car.
so i do that. and she laughs and says, "i'll go get your phone, you stay here." so she goes and since i have put on the emergency brake, she doesn't know how to take it off because she's never used it before. after a while though she does get it figured out, goes to get my phone and gets back only missing about 30 seconds of the movie. whew.
so after the movie, we laugh and laugh and laugh. i tell her that i'm really sorry for making her mini-vacation from work a living hell so far. we laugh and laugh some more.
and the rest of her visit is in fact delightful. however after she left today, i was just settling down trying to process the bad news i got and figuring out to go visit her before she dies. and i get a text from my co-worker again and she's very upset because she's gotten another message about our project and it wasn't very nice. (and now mind you, the last two days we've been off.) so i listen to her and i tell her, that it's really all good and that our boss has simply misunderstood some circumstances. i tell her to answer him and to reassure him, that in fact, all is well. i get off the phone and i write up some more stuff. that really could have waited until tomorrow but since he was all hyper, i decided to just get it done tonight.
and in between i'm emailing back and forth about my student. and i'm thinking. i have not had time to process this. not one moment. i can't process it because i just haven't had time because of work and company and stupid things.
and i thought how much my life used to be like this almost all the time. and how i'm SO glad that for the most part it's not anymore. because i gotta tell you. it's too overwhelming for me. and not that i'm not glad for my friend's visit, i really was, and am. but sometimes too much is just too much. and i'm glad that most of the time anymore, my life is not too much.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
fun and games
i always wonder why i'm so predisposed to be lazy. and i have almost no competitive spirit really. i not only don't want to reach for success on any exterior level, i have little to no ambition to reach, achieve, or surpass personal goals. but maybe that's not quite it.
so a friend of mine is an avid outdoor enthusiast. she and her family bike and hike and climb. and she's always encouraging me to do so too. but i kind of avoid such things with her, because when i'm with her, i always feel slow. and out of shape. and let's put it this way, bored. all i can think about when we're riding is "go faster, keep up, go faster." and it's monotonous to me. and grueling.
but put me on my bike alone, where i'm free to meander as i please and go as slow or fast as i please, and i'm a really happy girl. because i can think my thoughts and look at things i want to look at without trying to go as fast as i can maintain. if it takes me all day to get to point b from point a, it doesn't matter. i like sauntering. i like stopping when i feel like it. and i always wonder about the people (on my left) who are whizzing past me in such a hurry. where are they going, i wonder? and if they want to go that fast, why not get in a car?
and then one night while i was visiting my daughter, after dinner she, her husband, and i played jenga. you know, where you are supposed to build a tower using the blocks you take out of the foundation. But you are supposed to want to put your opponents in a precarious position, so that they crash the tower and they lose and you win. it was fun. and then while considering a move and outloud voicing my thoughts on the possibilities, my daughter noted that i really didn't play the game right, because i wasn't trying to put my opponents in the position to lose the game, i was trying to make sure the tower got as high as it could so that the game could continue. that's not the game, she informed me.
but then there are my words with friends games. where, i almost always win. i almost always beat anyone i play. even at the times when i've asked the game to match me with someone with like abilities, i almost always win. one such player asked me if i cheat and use the word finder apps on the computer. and i say no, but i don't think they believe me. i just play. because i like to play. and i very much enjoy the feature that allows you to try out words without getting penalized. and that you can take as long as you'd like to reply. but, i wonder if i'd like playing as much if i didn't usually win. i have one friend who i play all the time. and she's never, not once beat me. i've even more or less tried to lose to her and somehow can't. and she's not a stupid person at all. but she's just no good at this. and i wonder why in the heck she keeps asking to play again. and will often have multiple games going with me. i honestly think that she's hoping one day she'll get really lucky and beat me. and then that will be the day she stops playing. she can feel like she's done something. achieved something that she couldn't do before.
i don't know. but it's got me thinking that maybe my lack of competitive drive comes from that i simply don't like to lose.
i watch my little grandson who has become something of a relief pitcher when his team is getting overwhelmed. and i almost hate watching because i can't stand the pressure. but, he's exactly like his father, my son, who although he feels the pressure, also seems to withstand it. and most times, because he's calm, he gets them out of their jams. even while he's certainly not the fastest or maybe even the most versatile of pitchers. what he does and can do is keep his calm. i admire that in him, as i admired it in my son. me, i'd be saying, "please take me out, surely there is someone who can pitch better than i can." but not him. in fact, in a recent game where the team he was playing on already had the game won and he started to get in a bit of trouble himself, because of fielder errors and just plain good hits, the coach came to take him out. and he said he'd go, but if it was ok with the coach, he'd really like to finish the inning. and then within four or so pitches, he finally did. the thing was he wanted to work his way out. while i would have just wanted the hell out of there.
and i suppose that part of this is that he's not yet really learned that sometimes things are just hopeless. (and i hope he never really does.) But, i also think that in a way that to him, this competition with others and with himself is just plain fun. it's a fun challenge. all i know is that to me, it's not fun at all.
so a friend of mine is an avid outdoor enthusiast. she and her family bike and hike and climb. and she's always encouraging me to do so too. but i kind of avoid such things with her, because when i'm with her, i always feel slow. and out of shape. and let's put it this way, bored. all i can think about when we're riding is "go faster, keep up, go faster." and it's monotonous to me. and grueling.
but put me on my bike alone, where i'm free to meander as i please and go as slow or fast as i please, and i'm a really happy girl. because i can think my thoughts and look at things i want to look at without trying to go as fast as i can maintain. if it takes me all day to get to point b from point a, it doesn't matter. i like sauntering. i like stopping when i feel like it. and i always wonder about the people (on my left) who are whizzing past me in such a hurry. where are they going, i wonder? and if they want to go that fast, why not get in a car?
and then one night while i was visiting my daughter, after dinner she, her husband, and i played jenga. you know, where you are supposed to build a tower using the blocks you take out of the foundation. But you are supposed to want to put your opponents in a precarious position, so that they crash the tower and they lose and you win. it was fun. and then while considering a move and outloud voicing my thoughts on the possibilities, my daughter noted that i really didn't play the game right, because i wasn't trying to put my opponents in the position to lose the game, i was trying to make sure the tower got as high as it could so that the game could continue. that's not the game, she informed me.
but then there are my words with friends games. where, i almost always win. i almost always beat anyone i play. even at the times when i've asked the game to match me with someone with like abilities, i almost always win. one such player asked me if i cheat and use the word finder apps on the computer. and i say no, but i don't think they believe me. i just play. because i like to play. and i very much enjoy the feature that allows you to try out words without getting penalized. and that you can take as long as you'd like to reply. but, i wonder if i'd like playing as much if i didn't usually win. i have one friend who i play all the time. and she's never, not once beat me. i've even more or less tried to lose to her and somehow can't. and she's not a stupid person at all. but she's just no good at this. and i wonder why in the heck she keeps asking to play again. and will often have multiple games going with me. i honestly think that she's hoping one day she'll get really lucky and beat me. and then that will be the day she stops playing. she can feel like she's done something. achieved something that she couldn't do before.
i don't know. but it's got me thinking that maybe my lack of competitive drive comes from that i simply don't like to lose.
i watch my little grandson who has become something of a relief pitcher when his team is getting overwhelmed. and i almost hate watching because i can't stand the pressure. but, he's exactly like his father, my son, who although he feels the pressure, also seems to withstand it. and most times, because he's calm, he gets them out of their jams. even while he's certainly not the fastest or maybe even the most versatile of pitchers. what he does and can do is keep his calm. i admire that in him, as i admired it in my son. me, i'd be saying, "please take me out, surely there is someone who can pitch better than i can." but not him. in fact, in a recent game where the team he was playing on already had the game won and he started to get in a bit of trouble himself, because of fielder errors and just plain good hits, the coach came to take him out. and he said he'd go, but if it was ok with the coach, he'd really like to finish the inning. and then within four or so pitches, he finally did. the thing was he wanted to work his way out. while i would have just wanted the hell out of there.
and i suppose that part of this is that he's not yet really learned that sometimes things are just hopeless. (and i hope he never really does.) But, i also think that in a way that to him, this competition with others and with himself is just plain fun. it's a fun challenge. all i know is that to me, it's not fun at all.
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