role reversal

so, i sent my friend a short note telling her that i'd been to visit one of my former students before she died. this student is now a young adult and she and her family have struggled with her health issues all her life, but most intensely in the last year or so. and now, she's been sent home to die. and her mother had me contacted to let me know and i asked for the privilege of intruding on their intensely personal family time to come visit with her.

her home health care nurse (and my friend) called me on Thursday morning and woke me up to tell me that when they'd asked my student if she wanted me to visit, that she'd burst into smiles and indicated with her limited motor ability, "yes!" she'd like me to come. (later they showed me the pics of this moment.)

so, after work Thursday morning, i set out to drive back up north and go visit with her. and it was the most bittersweet of visits. she and her family were clearly glad to see me, and we sat out in the warm sunshine of their backyard, reminiscing about the good old days. Catching up on the new days. we spoke of the immediate days to come. the mother shared that they felt blessed to have these last days to say good bye. she reminded me how cruel it had been for the family of another one of my students, who died in surgery. suddenly, shockingly. with no warning. this grieving mother said, "so, this is so much better."

i didn't want to stay too long. she was clearly fatiqued. her eye lids, at intervals, slowing shutting, then shuttering open to allow her quick looks around at all of us who'd gathered, then slowly shutting again. her skin was cold, not cool, to the touch, even in the warmth of the sun. and the smiles. the peaceful, sweet smiles, in between. they are a vision, i won't likely ever forget. i close my eyes now and i can see those smiles as clearly as if i was still there. there she was, making dying look easy. dreamy. peaceful. and the calm emanating from her had a magical effect on all of us. we became calm too.

but sad. so very sad. and so when i got home late last night, i wrote my friend and told her that i'd visited with my student. to see her one last time. i told her how sweet the visit was. she answered. "i hope you won't go to the funeral. you need to have good memories of at least one of your students."

and she's referring to the fact, that i worked with the most medically fragile of our school population. A great many of my students, lost their battles and struggles to live over the course of my career. you'd think i'd be used to it. but i'm not.

and i still have the great urge (if i ever see him again) to punch the man who told me once that he didn't believe that any one of their deaths should have such an effect on me, since after all, his sister was a nurse and she saw dying people all the time. and she didn't crack up.

really? REALLY??? REALLY???? like the death of some relative strangers who come into your hospital or whereever would have the same effect on you as the death of a child, who you had a many yeared relationship with starting when they were three and ending when... ? Who you spent countless hours working with and on their behalf. often at the cost of your own family. and your own self. Whose families invited you in to their homes and shared their hopes, dreams, and worst fears with? and multiply that by 10. plus the recent death of your sister in law, who was the closest to a real sister as you'll ever get.

so. really? REALLY? REALLY???

as i said, i STILL want to punch him for his insensitivity. and that was YEARS ago. really, i'd like to do more than punch him for dumping me when i needed him most. because i expressed a little pain and grief. inarticulately.

and i think about him and all these things, and i lose my calm. so i close my eyes again. to picture those sleepy, drowsy, calm, peaceful smiles i saw yesterday.

i answer my friend. i say, "sometimes, i feel like the teacher of death."

she answers me back and says, "u r. but i think it's a good job for u."

i don't know exactly what she means by that. i'm supposing that she means i'm good at comforting people. (although, clearly, not myself.) or more likely she's just trying to be funny. and make me laugh by summoning up a picture of the grim reaper with an apple in her hand. but, i don't know.

all i know is that it doesn't ever seem to get any easier. and i believe i will choose at this point to quit being the teacher. and try instead to be the student. and let my former student teach me. how to deal with all this gracefully. and calmly.

i'll start by closing my eyes.